(Commercial. Yup, it's Vitameatavegamin. This time, a rather portly middle-aged man is standing behind the podium, smiling bravely. He is dressed in a brown wig and drag.)
ANNOUNCER: (the off-screen voice, in falsetto) Hello, friends. I'm your Vitameatavegamin girl. Are you. . . .
(The rest of the commercial is drowned out by the hysterical laughing of the stage hands. Quick change to Catfight's new sponsor. We focus on a busy sidewalk. A geeky guy in thick horn-rimmed glasses is on a cell phone, walking down the street and pausing every few steps.)
GEEK: Can you hear me now? Good! (few steps) Can you hear me now? Good! (few steps) Can you hear me now? Good! (few steps) Can you--
(The geeky guy is crushed by a falling piano. The stool follows shortly after. Nobody even stops. One of those easily whistled theme songs plays.)
ANNOUNCER: Ted's Piano Dropping Service. When it really needs to be crushed-- (amusing splat sound effect) --right now.
(We're back to Catfight. Christina smiles pleasantly.)
CHRISTINA: Much better. There's still plenty of action in the ring, and we're getting ready to throw in a new item for the girls.
(She looks at the ring. The ten minutes haven't completely elapsed yet, so the girls are still all over Doc. He's just looking at the floor, pouting in the most adorable way. The dark shapes are still lurking near the screen. The sub fighters go at it, kicking, biting, scratching, shooting, and wedging.)
MYSTIE: I never had dinosaur before! Feel a vampire's rage, moron.
(She sinks her fangs into Bob's neck. Bob hits her with his mighty tail, but the hit isn't all that mighty. She keeps sucking.)
(Meanwhile, AL has neutralized everyone else by singing "Born to be Wild." The other fighters are on the floor, writhing in pain. She looks smug, but suddenly--)
CHRISTINA: Ten minutes are up! You have to fight again, girls!
(The subs disappear in a poof of smoke. The girls all sigh and get up to fight again. The stage hand tosses the new item into the arena. This time, Biff spots it first.)
BIFF: (excited) THE ALMANAC!
(He leaps out of his seat and dashes towards the ring, only to knock himself out with the invisible screen. Christina groans.)
CHRISTINA: Idiot. It's not the real almanac! This one tells you what your enemies are going to do one minute in advance!
(The girls all race for it and get into another fight tornado. Doc keeps his eyes on the ground.)
BUFORD: (shaking his head) Butt-head.
GRIFF: Who are you calling a butt-head, butt-head?
(George hits them both with his new book before the situation can escalate. They collapse like -- like -- like something damn collapsible!)
(Meanwhile, outside the ring. . . .)
MARTY: There's Doc!
JENNIFER: (clinging to Marty's arm) Marty, I'm scared. Look at those fan-girls! They'll rip anyone apart who even tries to go near Doc.
MARTY: Doc's my best friend, Jennifer. We've gotta save him. What do we do, PIcaRDMPC? And what's the deal with those two lower-case letters right in the middle of your name?
PICARDMPC: Well, the deal with the letters is--
(His explanation is drowned out by a particularly loud roar from the crowd. Clara has just executed a wrestling move on Gina after grabbing the almanac. The other girls jump her before she can read it again, resembling one of those Calvin and Hobbes cartoons where Calvin clings to Hobbes.)
PICARDMPC: To disable the screen, cut one of the wires in that control panel. Bubbles, you rip it off for us, then you girls get ready to distract everyone with your insane cuteness when the screen's down.
BUBBLES: If this keeps us out of any more Random Insanity fics, sure.
(She rips off the panel and goes to hover with her sisters. Marty pulls out a pair of wire-cutters from nowhere and looks at the mess of wires.)
MARTY: (muttering) Red wire, green wire, red wire, green wire, red wire, green wire. . . .
(Jennifer hits him as gently as possible. He blinks and shakes his head.)
MARTY: Thanks. Which wire, PIcaRDMPC?
PICARDMPC: Either one. Get ready, girls.
(Marty cuts a wire. The screen flickers and goes out. The PPG spring into action, flying circles around everyone and doing annoyingly cute things. Sorry, but I hate the Powerpuff Girls The fan-girls desperately try to swat them away. Christina runs to the phone.)
CHRISTINA: Hello, Ted's Piano Dropping Service? Do you do rush jobs?
(As everyone is distracted by the PPG, Marty and Jennifer climb into the arena.)
MARTY: (softly) Doc! Hey Doc!
(Doc lifts his head a little.)
DOC: Great. Now I'm hearing voices.
JENNIFER: No, Doc, it's us!
(Doc manages to look behind him. His eyes light up when he sees Marty and Jennifer.)
DOC: Marty! Jennifer! How'd you get here!
MARTY: Some kid helped us. I'm gonna get you out of here, Doc. (Jennifer gives him a look.) We're gonna.
DOC: Do it fast, those girls are getting very violent.
(The girls are acting like Bone Saw McGraw from the "Spider-Man" movie, or maybe one of the WWE's wrestlers. Marty shudders and goes to work with his wire-cutters.)
(Lisa, Gina, and Clara decide to use their lifelines again against the two girls who have already used them up. They smile evilly.)
LISA: Lifeline! Bring me -- WOODHORN!
(Lightning snaps, and the unicorn with an attitude appears on the scene, pawing and doing a horse's best imitation of a growl.)
GINA: Lifeline! Bring me -- GINA "LACEY" BROWN, Doc's wife!
CLARA: (upset) HEY!
(Wife-Gina appears, looking confused.)
W-GINA: Where am I? I was just with Emmett a second ago. . . .
GINA: Get ready to fight, they want your man!
(W-Gina looks and sees Quarantina and J. C. Jones. Her eyes narrow and she goes into a fighting stance.)
CLARA: Lifeline! Bring me -- ROBERT ZEMECKIS!
(The lightning flashes, and a very confused man in glasses appears.)
ZEMECKIS: Where am I?
CLARA: Catfight. (She points at Quarantina and J. C.) They refuse to acknowledge me as Doc's wife.
ZEMECKIS: So?
CLARA: (confused) So? What do you mean by "so?"
ZEMECKIS: I just make the movies. I can't control how people interpet them. I have to get back to my house.
(He walks off the arena, leaving a stunned Clara. Back to the Chaos laughs itself silly. The rest of the girls are barely containing their mirth. Clara goes into a corner and sulks. The other girls ready their fighters.)
(Just then, a strange shadow appears over the arena. Quarantina and Flaming just get out of the way before a piano drops onto the PPG, W-Gina, and Woodhorn. Lisa and Gina shriek in horror.)
GINA: MY MARY-SUE!
LISA: MY UNICORN!
CHRISTINA: Relax, they'll be fine, and they'll have absolutely no memory of this horrible place!
DOC: Couldn't help yourself, huh?
CHRISTINA: It's just such a great -- wait a minute, did Bob Zemeckis just walk off?! Damn it, the screen's broken!
CLARA: It is?
(Seeing her chance, she picks up Biff's limp body and uses him as a weapon. The fight returns to total chaos, now with innocent bystanders caught in the blast. Marty and Jennifer keep working on Doc's bonds and avoiding the things the fan-girls throw at each other. Doc is gradually getting loose.)
DOC: (sensing freedom) Hurry up, hurry up!
MARTY: I'm going as fast as I can, dammit!
(Finally, J. C. gets her hands on the almanac and looks up the future. She frowns.)
J. C.: "Doc gets what he most wants?" Hot Damn, that must mean me!
GIRLS: (overhearing) It means ME!
(They all rush to Doc. Quarantina gets there first. She smiles.)
QUARAN: Safe!
(Doc abruptly stands up and shoves her away!)
DOC: Like hell! (He ducks behind his chair with Jennifer and Marty.) Stay away from me, you -- you women!
MARTY: (holding his wirecutters out as a pathetic weapon) Yeah, stay back!
CHRISTINA: Hey, you can't do that! Security! Security, arrest these two!
(J. C. abruptly gets a brainstorm!)
J. C.: (waving her hands) Hold on! I think I've got a solution to this mess!
(Everyone, even the audience, looks at her in confusion.)
J-FLUX: You do?
J. C.: (nodding in a self-satisfied way) Yup, I do. If I may use my other lifeline. . . ?
DOC: If it keeps me from being drawn and quartered.
(The girls also nod, curious.)
J. C.: Great! Bring me -- CALVIN, HOBBES, AND THEIR AMAZING CARDBOARD BOX! (glances at Doc) REFRIGERATOR SIZE!
LISA: Hey, she can't do that!
CHRISTINA: (blushing) Actually, she can.
(The other contestants give her killer death ray looks as Calvin and Hobbes arrive on the scene.)
CALVIN: What the -- eww, girls!
J. C.: Can it, Calv, I need your help. Can you make me a Dupla-Transmogrifier out of that box?
CALVIN: Of course. I'm a genius.
(He takes out a marker, writes Dupla-Transmogrifier on the box, and draws on a button.)
CALVIN: See? Genius.
J. C.: Okay, Doc, crawl under there.
(Doc looks at her dubiously.)
DOC: It's a cardboard box.
J. C.: Use your imagination. It'll work if the imagination does.
(Doc tries it. The box still looks like a box, but Doc suddenly feels more certain of its properties. Figuring he has nothing to lose, he crawls under. J. C. relieves Calvin of the marker and writes "Doc, end of BTTF III" on the side.)
J. C.: Do you have a paper arrow?
(Hobbes hands her one, smiling at her dreamily. J. C. rolls her eyes and attaches the arrow, having it point at the words. She presses the button. The box goes "Zap!" and suddenly there's more noise inside.)
DOC: What the -- it's suddenly a lot more crowded in here!
(J. C. lifts the box, and two Docs crawl out. The new one is dressed in Old Western clothes.)
DOC 2: What happened? Where am I?
DOC: (amazed) A cloning machine, fascinating. But why is my other self dressed so differently?
(Doc 2 suddenly spots Clara and grins broadly.)
DOC 2: Clara, darling! (He picks her up and spins her around, much to her delight.) How are you, my dear?
CLARA: (joyful beyond belief) Just fine now that you're here, Emmett.
(The other girls all gawk at the smiling J. C.)
J. C.: See? We can use Calv's invention to give all of us the Doc of our dreams! (The audience moans) Hey, you got your fight! And this way Doc gets to go home unmolested.
(Doc darts back under the box. J. C. picks up the marker as the excited fan-girls crowd her. Within minutes, all of them sport their very own Doc. Flaming makes a VampDoc for herself, and all exit the arena. Christina turns to the camera and shrugs.)
CHRISTINA: Well, that's the way it goes sometimes. At least we had a happy ending. Tune in next week to see two movie genres fight over Arnold Schwarzenegger's career! Goodnight!
(Camera moves away to show a TV at the South pole in an ice-cave like structure. Ted's Piano Droppers is on again, dropping a piano on a Progressive agent. One penguin watching the show turns to the other.)
PENGUIN 1: That was great! What's on next?
PENGUIN 2: (sighing) Beakman.
PENGUIN 1: Beakman? Why can't we ever watch anything good? Turn it off, Frank.
(The screen goes dark.)