(Hey, wait a minute, don't leave yet! There's more! Cut to the six o'clock news. A young male and a young female are presenting.)
VOICE-OVER: This is CNN.
VOICE-OVER TWO: No it's not. It's ANC 88.
VOICE-OVER: I know, I just always wanted to do that. (coughs) This is ANC 88, your number one movie news channel. Tonight we have--
(Close up on male)
VOICE-OVER: Snide Anderson and--
(Close up on female)
VOICE-OVER: Kathy Lee Crosby.
SNIDE: Good evening. Our top story tonight -- the local town of Hill Valley is in a shambles tonight following the filming of popular T. V. program "Catfight." Eyewitness accounts say that shortly after filming commenced, a new girl named "Loretta" appeared on the scene, absolutely furious that she was not invited to appear on the show. We take you now to exclusive footage of that event.
(Cut back to backstage at the "Catfight" arena. The girls are enjoying their Docs, who look a little uncomfortable with all the affection. Christina is standing by, rolling her eyes. Suddenly--)
LORETTA: Hey! You!
(Everyone turns to see a rather pissed-off looking woman, with short blond hair. She stomps up to Christina, eyes flashing fire.)
LORETTA: What's the deal? I'm a Doc's Girl too, you know! I deserved to be represented in this fight!
CHRISTINA: (startled) Well, I'm afraid we didn't know you existed. It's too late to add you in now, though.
LORETTA: I know that! I want compensation -- my own Doc!
GINA: Why should you get a Doc for no work?
LORETTA: Trust me, you'd be lying on the floor begging for mercy right now if I'd been in that fight.
J. C.: Oh, really? Why didn't you show up earlier then? Huh?
LORETTA: I live in Canada! It's a long drive.
LISA: You were just too chicken to come on and fight, Lorry!
LORETTA: Nobody -- calls me Lorry.
J. C.: (taunting) Lorry Lorry Lorry
(Loretta flips out.)
LORETTA: Fine then! You want a fight, I'll give you a fight! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
(She pulls out -- an umbrella. The girls giggle, until she suddenly yanks a nasty-looking sword from it. She grins evilly.)
LORETTA: I happen to know one of the James Bond villains.
J. C.: (confuzzled) But -- the umbrella sword is from "The Avengers"--
AUTHOR: I don't recall seeing any James Bond movies, that's why.
LORETTA: Well, the umbrella sword works for me. En garde, you rascals!
(She lunges for J. C.. J. C. dodges and rips the Almanac from Christina's hands. Lisa grabs the skateboard, Gina the stopwatch. Quarantina cracks her knuckles and dashes around in back of Loretta. Clara snarls threateningly. Within minutes the girls are embroiled in a nasty fight, using every dirty trick in the book on each other. The Docs look at each other, eyes wide.)
VAMPDOC: I'm not sure I want to be the boyfriend of a girl like that.
CLARADOC: (as the others nod) I'm afraid I agree. I wasn't aware of this side of Clara.
GINADOC: I say we make a run for it.
LISADOC: I'm all for that, but how?
CLARADOC: Don't worry. I believe that when the girls wished us into existence, they also wished in modes of transportation. And while you got DeLoreans, I received a train.
(The Docs slip away. Sure enough, a bunch of DeLoreans and a DeTrain are parked outside. The Docs quickly pile inside the DeTrain and start chugging away.)
(Inside, the girls are still busy fighting, kicking up a good cloud of dust. Far from discouraging the fight, Christina is egging them on, figuring she can use the footage on a "Too Hot For TV" DVD or something. Suddenly, Gina sticks her head out from the cloud and looks around.)
GINA: Hey, where are the Dockies?
(The girls immediately freeze and look around. Lisa hears the train chugging away.)
LISA: Uh-oh.
GINA: (anguished wail) THEY'RE GETTING AWAY! (kicks Loretta) THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
J. C.: Oh no they don't! They're ours now, and they're not running away! To the DeLoreans!
CLARA: (puzzled) What DeLoreans?
J. C.: I wished in DeLoreans and the train when I made my VampDoc.
GINA: Oh, then it's your fault! (kicks her)
J. C.: (hopping up and down on one leg) Do you want to get the Docs back or not?!
LORETTA: I still want my own! (brandishes the sword threateningly)
J. C: Look, woman, help me get mine back at any rate, and I'll call Calvin and get the Dupla-Transmogrifier for ya to make one.
LORETTA: What are we waiting for?! Let's go!
(The girls rush outside and are confronted by four DeLoreans. Christina, having followed, frowns.)
CHRISTINA: That's not nearly enough for all of us. . . .
QUARANTINA: Who said you were coming?
CHRISTINA: Are you kidding? This is good stuff. (shoving another camera at somebody) Take this camera. I want to document EVERYTHING!
J. C.: Looks like we have no choice but to split up into teams. Each DeLorean seats two. Loretta, you're coming with me. Gina, you go with Lisa. Quarantina, you can go with either Clara or Christina.
CLARA: (unwillingly) I don't know how to drive.
CHRISTINA: And I have to take my cameraman.
J. C.: Fine, Quarantina and Clara. Move out!
(The girls, somewhat reluctantly, get into the cars together. We see the first three DeLoreans rev up from the cameraman's view, then speed off. In the first DeLorean, everything seems fine, but the second one is weaving terribly. We pull up nearby to see Gina and Lisa fighting over the wheel.)
GINA: I wanna drive!
LISA: No, I'm gonna drive!
GINA: I love him more than you do! I'll drive!
LISA: LOOK OUT!
(The DeLorean just manages to avoid a van going by. The van honks at them.)
DRIVER: (angrily) Woof! Woof!
(The cameraman quickly spins -- it's Einstein, driving Doc's "E. Brown Scientific Services" truck. The camera watches the van drive off, then turns slowly to Christina, driving. She shrugs.)
CHRISTINA: The author's making it up as she goes.
(The third DeLorean is going along steadily when suddenly the wheels fold under and it begins flying. Clara screams in the passenger seat while Quarantina laughs wickedly. Clara whacks her one upside the head.)
CLARA: If I had a gun. . . .
QUARANTINA: Oh, get off your high horse. Where's your sense of competition?
CLARA: I left it in New Jersey.
(The first DeLorean has also switched to fly mode, in order to get to the train better. They're beginning to catch up to the train. VampDoc pokes his head out the side and sees them.)
VAMPDOC: Great Scott! They're in the DeLoreans!
CLARADOC: (unseen, at the controls) I'll switch it to hover mode! We can go faster that way!
GINADOC: Do you really think that'll help?
CLARADOC: It's worth a shot!
(The train goes into hover mode and flies away. The rest of the DeLoreans also convert to hover mode, keeping up the chase. J. C.'s and Loretta's DeLorean gets close -- close enough to touch bumpers. VampDoc sees this and frowns.)
VAMPDOC: They're still gaining! I'm going off on my own!
LISADOC: Huh??
VAMPDOC: Just try to keep them distracted!
(VampDoc leaps from the train. Some of the girls scream, but then a pair of huge batwings unfold from his back, and he soars into the wild blue yonder. J. C. and Loretta try to chase him, but the train swings around and blocks them. J. C. curses at it and tries to fly under it. Loretta stops her.)
LORETTA: Wait a minute. Let me try something. Pull up beside the train.
(J. C. does so. As she does, Quarantina and Clara pull up to the back. Very carefully, they climb up the ladder on the back of the train and onto the wood cart. Loretta leaps onto the train, Bond-style. J. C. nods, and flies away to find her own way on. QuarantinaDoc sees the girls on the train.)
QTDOC: We've acquired company!
CLARADOC: Great Scott! Anyone have any ideas?
LISADOC: Can we try to shake them off?
CLARADOC: (uncertainly) I don't really want to kill them. . . .
GINADOC: Well, we have to keep them off balance. If Gina gets on, I'm through. She may be small, but you saw how she fights.
CLARADOC: (getting an idea) Aha! I think I might have a Presto-Log here somewhere. (rifles through something) Here we go. Hang on!
(He throws the Presto-Log in and opens up the throttle. Minutes later, as Loretta, Quarantina and Clara climb across the wood cart, the Presto-Log goes off. The girls are thrown backward. Loretta and Quarantina scream, but Clara recovers quickly.)
CLARA: (taunting them as she moves ahead) See, there are advantages to being canon!
(Loretta pulls out a pen tranquilizer gun.)
LORETTA: There's also advantages to being based on a real person!
(She fires the tranquilizer gun, but belatedly realizes it's facing the wrong way. The dart shoots out the tip, missing her and hitting Quarantina. Quaran promptly falls over, sound asleep.)
LORETTA: (a bit sheepishly) Least it got somebody.
(Clara sticks out her tongue, then sees J. C., trying to climb onto the train from her own DeLorean. J. C. is trembling with fear.)
J. C.: (whispering) I hate heights, oh how I hate heights. . . .
CLARA: Well, you won't be so high up soon!
(She shoves J. C. off balance. Loretta gasps as J. C. disappears into the wild blue yonder.)
LORETTA: I can't believe you just did that!
CLARA: I'm from the Old West. People died every day. I just did what I needed to.
(She starts for Loretta, who quickly tries to re-arm her pen gun. Suddenly, behind Clara rises -- J. C.! Clara hears noise and turns.)
CLARA: (absolutely stunned) What the hell?!
(J. C. is standing on Lisa and Gina's DeLorean. Gina throws open her door, slamming Clara in the mouth. Clara collapses, semi-conscious.)
J. C.: Thanks for the lift, girls!
GINA: (laughing hysterically) I've wanted to do that my whole life!
LISA: (impressed) Nice shot, Gina!
LORETTA: How come I didn't hear you land?
J. C.: You wouldn't believe it, but this stuff is padded somehow. Explains how this thing can plow through a wall with no damages. (taking charge) Let's get our Dockies back!
LISADOC: (looking out) Damn! Damn damn!
GINADOC: I'm not going back without a fight!
CLARADOC: (showing off nasty-looking telescopic rifle) Me neither!
VAMPDOC: (swooping up alongside and vamping) Come and get me!
J. C.: (with heart-pupilled eyes) You look so sexy when you do that.
VAMPDOC: Oh Christ. . . .
(Suddenly, a voice booms out of nowhere.)
VOICE: ATTENTION! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST! DESCEND TO GROUND LEVEL IMMEDIATELY! YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!
(Everyone looks up to see some police helicopters flying by.)
J. C.: (annoyed) Cheese it, the cops!
LISADOC: (waving) Help us out here! We're just innocent victims!
LISA: Hey, on what grounds can you arrest us?
POLICE: DISTURBING THE PEACE, HARASSMENT, STALKING, KIDNAPING, GRAND THEFT AUTO
J. C.: These DeLoreans are mine!
POLICE: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST. DESCEND TO GROUND LEVEL IMMEDIATELY.
(The train starts descending, but the girls have other ideas.)
LISA: I'm not going anywhere with these guys! I'm getting out of here!
GINA: I'm with you! Hit the gas!
J. C.: Wait just a sec! (pulls out Doc's remote and maneuvers her DeLorean over)
LORETTA: I'm not staying here!
(She leaves Clara and Quarantina and jumps onto the car. She and J. C. hop into the DeLorean, and the four girls speed off. J. C. and Lisa set the time circuits.)
J. C.: (yelling to Lisa) I'm going to August 5th, 1984!
LISA: (yelling back) Why then?
J. C.: Nothing happened that day! I'll see you back here later!
(Both DeLoreans speed up, chased by a police helicopter. 65 -- 75 -- 85 -- 88 -- 90 --)
THE GIRLS: Ninety?!
LORETTA: Uh-oh. Did you order up fueled DeLoreans, J. C.?
(J. C. puts her head on the steering wheel.)
J. C.: Aw crap.
(Back to the newsroom. The anchors smile vacantly at us.)
KATHY LEE: The participants of the chase, identified as Lisa Fagan, Quaran Tina, Gina Manilow-Jackson, Clara Clayton Brown, J. C. Jones, Loretta Wilson, and Christina Lawyers, are currently being held in the county jail. The various Dr. Emmett Browns have made plans to split up and move to different parts of the country. Only one, the one called "ClaraDoc," is planning to stay here in Hill Valley. They issued a brief statement, saying, "We're doing no good staying here and tempting the girls." The creators of the popular show "Catfight" are now facing charges of disturbing the peace. Now, on to--
(Somebody runs in and hands Kathy a paper. She reads it and gasps.)
KATHY LEE: This just in -- it appears that the girls attempted to escape the jail where they were being held, with the use of a "tranquilizer pen gun." The attempt was quickly aborted, but one of the girls, J. C. Jones, apparently made it through jail security! The police are currently looking for her. Please, if you see Miss Josephine Caroline Jones, call 911 and report her whereabouts! No movie male can be considered safe until she is back in custody!
(Cut to J. C. herself, avoiding the police. She breathes hard.)
J. C.: (softly) Too bad about the other girls. . .but they'll get out in time, I'll bet. Loretta's husband will bail her out, and I know Stephen Clark will take care of Lisa, Quaran, and Gina. (she looks around nervously) I'd best get out of here and lay low for a while.
(She hears a noise and jumps. Out of the shadows comes Christina's cameraman, still holding his camera.)
CAMERAMAN: Hey there.
J. C.: (worriedly) Listen, buddy, I can give you money, just say--
CAMERAMAN: Don't worry, I won't turn you in. I'm a bit of a fugitive myself. "Catfight" wants to blame me for suggesting the match.
J. C.: Oh. (has a thought) Hey, why don't we team up? I'm planning on making a documentary about catching another favorite movie character of mine. I could use a cameraman.
CAMERAMAN: Sure! As long as it's not the Doc.
J. C.: (sigh) No. . .but you can be sure I'll have him some day. I just need to hone my fighting style a bit, and this next character might help with that. Do you know where the nearest phone is?
CAMERAMAN: (pointing) On that corner.
(J. C. jogs over, inserts a quarter, and dials.)
J. C.: Hola? Enrique? Si, es J. C. Donde esta Sarah Connor?
The End?
(Well, at least until I write "To Catch a Terminator")