A/N: Hey, an update. I needed to take a break from my serious fics (check them out, by the way… Not the First to Say and Propensity and the Chaotic Pendulum. Look up the latter one on thedarkarts.org under the name NoxMorsmordre, it's a slightly different version).
Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I really miss Harry," Ron admitted.
"Me, too," agreed Hermione.
"I wish he'd let us visit him," added Neville.
(A/N: everybody caught up? Okay then!)
"We should go anyway. We have a Hogsmeade weekend next week, maybe we can sneak off!" Ron suggested.
-----
"We're here to visit Harry Potter."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter is very ill today."
"Oh no! What's wrong with him?"
"He has invoked the spirit of an ancient Aztec figure," the nurse giggled, trying to look serious. Ron's face clenched in an expression of constipation, and this is par for the course and hardly worth mentioning.
"Hermione, what's she talking about?"
Hermione looked pained, because she didn't know.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake. He's got the trots!" the nurse exclaimed, exasperated. "I take the good time and trouble to make a clever joke, and you all ruin it."
"They do that all time," remarked Tulip.
"Tulip! Can we see Harry?"
"No, I'm sorry, Idiot Boy is not accepting visitors where he is."
"Harry died!" Neville burst into tears.
"Calm down, you buffoon. He's in the loo."
Neville turned rather red and wandered a bit away from the group.
"How long will he be… ahem… occupied?" Hermione asked. Tulip shrugged his leaves.
"That kid's having some nasty bowel issues. It could be hours."
"We'll wait. We can tell him some Hogwarts stories and cheer him up!" Ron insisted. Tulip looked skeptical but scooted towards the magical elevator. Hermione sighed and picked him up.
"Hey, watch it Miss Missy!"
"Shut up, you. We don't have all day for you to drag your ceramic buttocks all over the hospital." Tulip sadly surrendered, snuggling into the crook of Hermione's arm. "You smell good," he commented.
"Shut up."
"I love a take-charge woman," he muttered. Hermione chose to overlook that comment.
As they approached Harry's room, Hermione nearly dropped Tulip.
"Bloody hell!" Ron cried, holding his nose.
"Well put," Hermione said. Neville walked on unaffected. Hermione turned to him incredulously. "Don't you smell that?" She exclaimed. Neville took a deep wheezing breath.
"No. Everything smells all right to me."
"Neville, I always knew something was odd about you."
"Thanks, Hermione. I thought you'd never notice!" he gushed, in tears again.
"Bloody hell," Ron said… again. "Harry?" he called.
A strained voice floated from behind what one assumed was the loo door. "I'm in here…. Guys…" followed by a groan that made Hermione's stomach turn.
"Harry, we came to see how you're doing!" Neville said, being the only one brave enough to get closer to the door.
"I'm doing… fine!"
"Oh, gross," Hermione whispered from behind her hands.
Harry Potter and the Gurgling Loo of Death
"Mate, that smells awful!" Ron called helpfully.
"Shut up, Ron!" Hermione hissed.
"It's all right guys, I've finished. I'm coming out." Harry called. There was a muffled gurgling noise and then a shriek.
"Harry? What happened?" Neville called worriedly.
"Its… it's AWFUL!" Harry shrieked again. Ron braved inching nearer the door.
"What is it, Harry?"
The door swung open to reveal Harry, covered in water and … "Oh, god!" Hermione gasped, abandoning all pretense and clapping her hands over her entire face.
"It's backed up!" Harry screamed. Ron peered around him and shrieked, shattering a glass and one of Neville's eardrums. The loo bubbled and spit… unpleasantness all over the floor.
"I know way more about you than I ever wanted to," Tulip stated plainly as everyone realized they were staring at Harry's fecal matter.
"That's just sick," a nurse commented.
---
Harry Potter and the End of the Story
-
"I think we have reached the end of an important journey," Dumbledore commented idly as he, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Tulip, and Snape sat around his office.
"What does that mean? Huh? What?" Ron babbled.
Professor Snape sneered. Big surprise. "Never mind Weasley, Headmaster. He's a bit traumatized after seeing a toilet nearly swallow his best friend." He explained with a very gleeful expression.
"Does everyone know about that?" Harry muttered.
"Yes," Tulip assured him.
"Fantastic. Just one more horrible thing to happen to me. When will this all end?"
Professor Snape stood and cleared his throat. "Well, Potter, you know what they say. When life hands you a lemon, transfigure it into a mallet and bash yourself in the head with it."
"Uh… I've never heard anybody say that," Hermione offered.
"Did anybody ask you?" he snapped.
"Admittedly, no. But that has never stopped me before."
"Point well taken, Miss Granger. And twenty points from Gryffindor."
Dumbledore stood and joined Snape. "One of these days, Snape, I'm gonna punch you in the face!"
Everyone shared a hearty laugh.
A/N 2: Well, that'll be it. It's done. Fin. Thank you all for reading. I love you all, bless you all, rock and roll.
Harry Potter and the Revenge of Montezuma
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"I really miss Harry," Ron admitted.
"Me, too," agreed Hermione.
"I wish he'd let us visit him," added Neville.
(A/N: everybody caught up? Okay then!)
"We should go anyway. We have a Hogsmeade weekend next week, maybe we can sneak off!" Ron suggested.
-----
"We're here to visit Harry Potter."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter is very ill today."
"Oh no! What's wrong with him?"
"He has invoked the spirit of an ancient Aztec figure," the nurse giggled, trying to look serious. Ron's face clenched in an expression of constipation, and this is par for the course and hardly worth mentioning.
"Hermione, what's she talking about?"
Hermione looked pained, because she didn't know.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake. He's got the trots!" the nurse exclaimed, exasperated. "I take the good time and trouble to make a clever joke, and you all ruin it."
"They do that all time," remarked Tulip.
"Tulip! Can we see Harry?"
"No, I'm sorry, Idiot Boy is not accepting visitors where he is."
"Harry died!" Neville burst into tears.
"Calm down, you buffoon. He's in the loo."
Neville turned rather red and wandered a bit away from the group.
"How long will he be… ahem… occupied?" Hermione asked. Tulip shrugged his leaves.
"That kid's having some nasty bowel issues. It could be hours."
"We'll wait. We can tell him some Hogwarts stories and cheer him up!" Ron insisted. Tulip looked skeptical but scooted towards the magical elevator. Hermione sighed and picked him up.
"Hey, watch it Miss Missy!"
"Shut up, you. We don't have all day for you to drag your ceramic buttocks all over the hospital." Tulip sadly surrendered, snuggling into the crook of Hermione's arm. "You smell good," he commented.
"Shut up."
"I love a take-charge woman," he muttered. Hermione chose to overlook that comment.
As they approached Harry's room, Hermione nearly dropped Tulip.
"Bloody hell!" Ron cried, holding his nose.
"Well put," Hermione said. Neville walked on unaffected. Hermione turned to him incredulously. "Don't you smell that?" She exclaimed. Neville took a deep wheezing breath.
"No. Everything smells all right to me."
"Neville, I always knew something was odd about you."
"Thanks, Hermione. I thought you'd never notice!" he gushed, in tears again.
"Bloody hell," Ron said… again. "Harry?" he called.
A strained voice floated from behind what one assumed was the loo door. "I'm in here…. Guys…" followed by a groan that made Hermione's stomach turn.
"Harry, we came to see how you're doing!" Neville said, being the only one brave enough to get closer to the door.
"I'm doing… fine!"
"Oh, gross," Hermione whispered from behind her hands.
Harry Potter and the Gurgling Loo of Death
"Mate, that smells awful!" Ron called helpfully.
"Shut up, Ron!" Hermione hissed.
"It's all right guys, I've finished. I'm coming out." Harry called. There was a muffled gurgling noise and then a shriek.
"Harry? What happened?" Neville called worriedly.
"Its… it's AWFUL!" Harry shrieked again. Ron braved inching nearer the door.
"What is it, Harry?"
The door swung open to reveal Harry, covered in water and … "Oh, god!" Hermione gasped, abandoning all pretense and clapping her hands over her entire face.
"It's backed up!" Harry screamed. Ron peered around him and shrieked, shattering a glass and one of Neville's eardrums. The loo bubbled and spit… unpleasantness all over the floor.
"I know way more about you than I ever wanted to," Tulip stated plainly as everyone realized they were staring at Harry's fecal matter.
"That's just sick," a nurse commented.
---
Harry Potter and the End of the Story
-
"I think we have reached the end of an important journey," Dumbledore commented idly as he, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Tulip, and Snape sat around his office.
"What does that mean? Huh? What?" Ron babbled.
Professor Snape sneered. Big surprise. "Never mind Weasley, Headmaster. He's a bit traumatized after seeing a toilet nearly swallow his best friend." He explained with a very gleeful expression.
"Does everyone know about that?" Harry muttered.
"Yes," Tulip assured him.
"Fantastic. Just one more horrible thing to happen to me. When will this all end?"
Professor Snape stood and cleared his throat. "Well, Potter, you know what they say. When life hands you a lemon, transfigure it into a mallet and bash yourself in the head with it."
"Uh… I've never heard anybody say that," Hermione offered.
"Did anybody ask you?" he snapped.
"Admittedly, no. But that has never stopped me before."
"Point well taken, Miss Granger. And twenty points from Gryffindor."
Dumbledore stood and joined Snape. "One of these days, Snape, I'm gonna punch you in the face!"
Everyone shared a hearty laugh.
A/N 2: Well, that'll be it. It's done. Fin. Thank you all for reading. I love you all, bless you all, rock and roll.