Once Upon a Cold Winter's Night

Remus stood at the top of the Quidditch field stands and stared up at the waning half moon. Three weeks. He'd have three weeks of peace before the moon would return to torture him. He heaved a soft sigh, watching his breath form a tiny cloud of mist before disappearing. The night was clear and bitterly cold, but he didn't seem to notice or care. He gazed up at the countless stars and let his mind wander.

It was almost frightening to think that this would be his last winter at Hogwarts. The last winter for all of them. He turned his gaze to the castle: a black mass against the midnight sky, highlighted by the freshly fallen snow that glistened in the moonlight. 'Will I never see it like this again?' he wondered idly.

It was amazing to think that they were in their seventh year. They had accomplished so much since that first September over six years ago. They had been tried by fire and ice and moonlight, and yet their friendship had held. They had done so much.

And yet, Remus felt unsatisfied.

There was one thing that had not happened that he had desperately wished beyond all reason would. A hope that, despite everything, had refused to die. A secret he had kept locked away since that very same September when they had first arrived; since the first time he had laid eyes on Sirius Black.

He sighed again. He had been young then. So old in some ways and yet still a child. He realized that now. After all, how much could a sheltered eleven-year-old boy know about such things as love? But the summers never killed the feeling and throughout the years it never faded. If anything, as he grew older, it grew stronger.

And then, at the age of 15, still a child but on the threshold of adulthood, it had broken free. It had been after the Yule Ball. He had been alone with Sirius and couldn't hold back his madness any longer. He had broken down.

He had told him the truth.

And Sirius had stared at him for the longest time before telling him he didn't feel that same way about him. He was his friend, certainly, but nothing more. It could never be. And Remus had calmly accepted that.

Verbally.

In his mind he had howled in anguish, shed countless tears over his shattered heart, mourned his loss and disappointment. He had always dreamed the confession would lend positive results; the consequence of a senseless and childish hope that had had no foundation.

And so now here he was: 17 and no longer a child with childish fantasies. 'But am I really no longer a child?' he asked himself. No. He was a young man now with a young man's passions and desires.

And yet…

"Remus?"

Remus turned sharply, readying his wand for an attack.

Sirius held up his hands in surrender. "Easy. It's just me."

Remus lowered his wand slowly, replacing it in the pocket of his robes. "Sorry. I didn't hear you."

"Obviously."

"How'd you know I was here?"

Sirius held up a piece of parchment that Remus immediately recognized as the Marauder's Map.

"Spying, Sirius? It's so unlike you."

He laughed a little. "Well, you weren't in the Common Room. How else was I to find out where you were?" He tucked the map into his pocket. "But how did you get past Filch without the map?"

Remus held up James's Invisibility Cloak silently.

"How'd you get that?"

"Nicked it from under James's bed."

Sirius grinned. "I've rubbed off on you."

Remus shrugged.

Sirius gathered his cloak more tightly around him. "What are you doing up here in the middle of the night?"

"Just… thinking."

"And you had to come out here to do it? It's freezing!"

He shrugged again. "I hadn't noticed."

Sirius looked at him. "Then why are your teeth chattering?" he asked softly.

Remus clamped his quivering jaws together and turned away, looking out at the castle again. He heard Sirius take a hesitant step forward before speaking again, just as softly as before.

"What were you thinking about?"

Remus wrapped his arms around his body as if to hold in the heat. Damn it, if he hadn't mentioned the cold he wouldn't have started to notice how frozen his limbs were starting to feel, the numbness in his fingertips. "This is our last winter. After this, we'll never see Hogwarts again."

"You always make things sound so final and morbid," Sirius said with a slight laugh. "Any regrets?"

"A few. You?"

"No, none." He was silent a moment. "Well, yes. One."

Remus remained silent.

"Do you remember fifth year?"

He turned to look at him. "Which part? A lot happened that year, you know."

Sirius shuffled his feet a little uncomfortably. "Our conversation shortly after Yule Ball. When you… told me you loved me."

"Ah," Remus said softly, leaning on the rail to look out over the Forbidden Forest. "That."

Sirius turned to lean on the rail as well, sneaking glances at the werewolf. "Does it… hurt still?"

"Only when I breathe."

"Remus," Sirius began, placing his hand on his friend's wrist.

"It's alright, Pads," Remus cut him off, patting Sirius's hand. "It's not so bad now." He looked at him and smiled a little, though a bit sadly. "You have the great ability," he said softly, "to catch other people's attention. You've always had it for as long as I've known you. And, well, you certainly caught mine." He paused for a moment, turning his gaze to the forest again. "From the first moment I saw you, Sirius Black, I knew I loved you. And I questioned that love time and time again—I was only a child, after all. You're one of my dearest and best friends and I didn't want to jeopardize that. Granted, your reaction to the fact I was a werewolf should have been proof enough that you wouldn't judge me too harshly, but…" his voice trailed off as he looked back at Sirius. "I was scared. And rightfully so, I think. That's not widely accepted in the Muggle world, much less the wizarding one. The risks were very high but I… we weren't really children anymore. And I… I thought I'd go mad if I didn't say something. I was going mad. That's why I admitted it to you."

Sirius was silent a moment, staring at his hand that enfolded the young werewolf's wrist. "You're right," he said quietly, removing his hand. "It's not widely accepted. But I don't care. I've never conformed to the public interests, anyway."

Remus laughed hollowly. "Yes, this is true."

"But I was… surprised. I… well… I never knew. And I wasn't ready for that."

"I'm not blaming you, Padfoot. You handled it very well."

"And you took the rejection better than I thought." He sighed softly, turning his own gaze to the forest. "I can't fathom how you suffered all those years. But I think I can start to understand."

Remus looked over at him sharply. What was he saying?

"I've… been thinking for the past couple years. Ever since that night, really, and…" he trailed off, another sigh escaping him. "I almost don't want to say this." He paused for a moment, feeling Remus's eyes on his face. "You're right. We're not kids anymore. And so there's no reason to deny it anymore."

Remus took a deep breath, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. "Deny what, Sirius?" he asked softly, though he somehow already knew the answer.

He looked over at him. "The fact that… that I love you."

Remus stared at him openmouthed, his brow furrowed a little in disbelief, his eyes wide with slight fear. "Sirius," he whispered shakily, "Sirius, don't." He shook his head slightly.

"Remus…"

"Don't get my hopes up. Please, not again. Not after I romanticized your reaction the first time."

"I'm not saying this to hurt you." Sirius reached over and grabbed his friend's shoulders gently, looking into his eyes. "You should know that's the last thing I'd ever want to do, Moony."

Remus stared at him for a moment. "I want it to be true, Sirius," he murmured. "It's never really gone away, my love for you, and I want what you're saying to be true." He continued to shake his head, fighting the tears that were beginning to sting his eyes. "But how… how can I believe you?"

"Remus," Sirius began before pausing. "Remus, some things just happen and you really can't help them. Like falling in love."

"Like falling in love," Remus repeated in a barely audible whisper. "Yes. That's true."

"And you can't help falling in love. When it happens, that's it. There's no going back." He tilted his head a little. "Like when you fell in love with me."

Remus stared at him for several moments, silently considering him. "Yes," he said finally. "Yes, that's right."

Sirius smiled a little. "Your teeth are chattering again," he murmured, reaching up to cradle Remus's chin in his hand.

It seemed less than a moment later that their lips met.

Remus felt Sirius enfold him in his cloak as he wrapped his arms around him and reveled in the warmth of his body, pressing his own against him as if to melt into him. He could sense the hunger in Sirius's kiss, the suppressed passion and desire that rivaled his own. A soft moan escaped him as he wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck, running one hand through his soft ebony hair.

Sirius growled deep in his throat, running his tongue along Remus's lower lip and nipping it gently before breaking away. He watched the young werewolf as he opened his eyes slowly and took a ragged breath through his slightly parted lips. "Do you believe me now?" the Animagus asked softly.

The other boy's eyes fell half-closed again as he tilted his head up slightly. "Does it matter?" he murmured against his lips.

Sirius paused for a moment. "No, not really," he whispered before capturing Remus's lips again.

END