Saints and Sinners – By Darlin
AN - Thanks to Digital Tempest, I'm so glad to hear about your new laptop! Thanks to Dark Topaz, Lerie, lilwolvie, and, Nienna of Sorrow. Also, thanks to Nobody's Angel who reviewed chapter 16 which she didn't like but at least took the time to say why. Her reason was, surprisingly, exactly what I was trying to achieve with this story – writing it in a totally different style than how I usually write RoLo stories, similar to how Ultimate X-Men is so different from the other comics. Looks like it's working if nothing else! Anyway, I always appreciate hearing what anyone thinks about my work.
Chapter Nineteen – What is Real?
How do you know what is and what is not? The why and how of things? Who's to say what is real and what isn't? Can I trust myself? Trust my instincts? Do I stay because of love? Do I flee because of fear? How can I be sure love is love? How can I stay if I can't think or even breathe on my own? How can I have fallen in love with a killer and accepted him so readily? Yet, how can I know for certain I do love him? How do I know if it's all just some sick game? And if it is a stupid game how can I get out of it – how can I make myself leave the man I love like Hank made himself leave me? How can I part with the man that has a hold on my heart so tightly that if I leave I don't know what I'd do without him? And if I don't know what I'd do without him then would it be better to stay even in this state of uncertainty just to maintain my sanity? And if I stay how can I remain sane knowing that I am not and never will be in control of my own heart, my own mind, my very soul?
So intently was Ororo studying what she'd just written in her journal that she nearly jumped out of her chair when two hands settled on her neck.
"What ya doin'?" Logan asked as he began massaging the tight cords on either side of her neck.
"You scared me to death! Don't you ever knock?" she asked as she snapped the journal shut.
"Writing in yer diary?"
"It is not a diary, it's my journal."
"Not particularly? How 'bout you? Changed your mind yet?"
"Nope. Like I said I trust Xavier and so should you after all this time. If we can't trust him then who can we trust?"
"Oh, I trust him all right," Ororo said though she refrained from adding that it was only as far as she could see him.
When they had returned earlier that day no one had acted as if anything unusual had happened. Not one soul, not even Scott who usually would've been grinning from ear to ear ready to pounce on the both of them with his classic extra special, extra stern, and especially long reprimand. But even without Scott's serious speech it felt like they had come back with their tails tucked between their legs. It hadn't seemed any more right than Forge being dead. Nevertheless, when she'd seen Bobby smiling broadly alongside Kurt who'd waved shyly at her, well it had lifted her spirits a lot. Peter had hugged Kitty and then looked a little sheepishly at everyone but Ororo had just laughed and hugged him in turn. It had felt good to be back amongst her friends even under the circumstances. It was as if she really had come home and that had been promising if nothing else.
"Hey, what about me?" Bobby had asked with arms spread wide.
Ororo remember laughing and feeling happy to oblige her good friend. She'd quickly dislodged herself from Peter's huge arms and thrown herself at Bobby. She'd even kissed him on the cheek and laughed when he blushed. She'd looked around at her friends, old and new and everything had seemed right then. Jean and Scott had been standing off to the side together with small smiles of welcome that she'd returned and then she'd seen Rogue and as she'd looked at the girl with the skunk stripe in her hair the feeling of unease had returned. Rogue had been hanging back with Warren and she looked miserable. Ororo had waved her over wishing she could make Rogue feel more comfortable and Warren less comfortable.
"What about us?" Warren had asked with a mischievous grin when he misinterpreted Ororo's wave and thought it was for him. He'd opened his arms to her as if he'd expected her to dance right into them.
"Logan, where're your manners? Give our guest a hug!" Ororo had tossed out carelessly before she'd gone over to Rogue.
"What the . . . oh, yeah, sure, come here, bird man." Logan had caught her drift when he'd seen her roll her eyes in Warren's direction so he'd started towards Warren, albeit with exaggerated slow motion movements, his own arms spread wide ready to embrace a very uncomfortable and fast retreating Warren.
For some reason ever since they'd gotten back Ororo felt as if she understood Rogue now. Rogue wasn't comfortable there, she thought the Professor was out to get her and Ororo felt the Professor just simply wasn't to be trusted. She'd wanted Rogue to feel better, to feel as if she were apart of the team and so she had pulled Rogue into a welcoming embrace.
"Why y'all come back? If it'd been me ah wouldn'ta come back" Rogue had hissed in her ear.
And those words had never left her mind. Logan had acted as if nothing was wrong and everything could be worked out. Why, Ororo didn't know. Why she was so disturbed and he wasn't she didn't know either. It wasn't easy for her to return to Xavier's. She had never had cause to distrust the Professor before and she had truly believed Hank was crazy for thinking Charles would try to control her thoughts but now she had serious doubts of her own. She didn't know what to think any more and the thought that maybe Hank had been right all along kept eating away at her.
"You going to bed now?" Logan asked, bringing Ororo out of her rumination.
"Why?"
Logan shrugged carelessly and for the first time Ororo noticed that he was wearing only a pair of shorts and nothing else. His finely sculpted chest was bare as his feet. She wondered what he was doing but a soft kiss on one side of her neck right where he'd been massaging it a moment ago pretty much answered that question. Before she could protest he gave her another kiss on the other side of her neck. She couldn't help but sigh. His lips felt hot and moist on her skin and she shivered.
"Cold?"
"No."
"You going to bed or do I have to pick you up and carry you?"
"Huh?"
Without bothering to explain himself, Logan jerked her chair out, bent down and picked her up then carried her to her large bed. He placed her down on the soft comforter then climbed on top of her.
"Hey, wait a minute! What do you think you're doing?"
Logan reached for the light on the nightstand and turned it off. The room grew dark except for a ray of moonlight beaming in from one of the windows. He didn't bother to answer her – to him – silly question, after all what did it look like he was doing? Instead he kissed her lips taking his time teasing her, as if he wanted to drive her to a point where she'd never been before.
It wasn't easy to concentrate with his lips attacking hers so subtly and yet so deftly. Ororo found her body responding to him more than she cared for. Her arms went around his neck and she pulled him closer even as her body arched up to meet him.
"I want you," Logan murmured, his deep voice full of desire.
Ororo had no chance to respond. His lips attacked hers again and she gave in to her lust letting him have his way with her. It felt so good to be touched and held, kissed and caressed. It was nothing like the harmless pecks she and Hank had shared. It was as if she were engulfed by some fiery need that she had no control over and she didn't want to control it. For once she just wanted to let go, give up all control and let someone take over for her. But when Logan's hands began pulling at her skimpy nightgown she came back to her senses and smacked them away. Logan was undeterred and his lips turned to her throat, softly flickering over her sensitive skin – baby kisses that made her gasp.
As Logan's demanding hands again worked their way over Ororo's body and she seemed to give in to him Logan felt his own desire growing more than he was used to. He was used to wanting sex and getting it and even needing it but sex was just that - sex, easily gotten, easily done, nothing special any way you looked at it or that's what he'd figured but with Ororo moaning and moving rhythmically under him he felt an unfamiliar feeling take over him. He wanted her more than he'd wanted any other woman and in a way he'd vowed he'd never ever let himself feel. He'd fallen in love with Ororo and because of that she had power over him that no other woman had ever had over him before. He didn't like that, didn't know how to counteract it except to take her there and make her feel what he was feeling.
"We can't . . ." Ororo moaned when Logan pulled her nightgown down over her hips.
"Yes we can," Logan whispered as he kissed her inner thigh.
"Oh," she sighed then came back to herself and pushed him away from her. "No, we can't."
"You know you want to."
"It doesn't matter what I want okay? We need to talk!" she said as she pulled her gown back up.
Logan didn't understand what had gotten into Ororo. One minute she was a willing participant and now she was acting like a prude.
"Talk about what?"
"This whole get up – Forge, Hank, Xavier," she whispered the last name as if she thought she might be overheard.
"I've told you what's up. I don't want to talk about it any more."
"I – we need to talk about it."
"I don't wanna talk, darlin."
"Fine then! Maybe you should go."
Logan sat up and stared at her.
"Go where?"
"To your room, duh."
"You want me to go?"
"That's what I said."
"You don't really want me to go."
"Maybe not but you need to go."
"I can tell you what I need . . ."
"Look, Logan I can't – I'm not going to have sex with you."
"That's what you think this is?"
"Well, what else would I think? You're naked, I'm naked . . ."
"I'm not naked. You're not naked."
"Half naked, okay? Don't play games with me, you know what I mean!"
He grinned. He wanted to kiss her to make her shut up but she dodged his lips and tried to push him off her. He didn't budge but laughed at her attempt.
"Don't tempt me, Logan," she whispered.
"And you're not tempting me?"
"I'm not the one who came in trying to get some."
"That's not exactly what I came in for."
"Then what did you come in my room for?"
"To be with you."
"That's what I said."
"I didn't come just to screw you."
"Then why're you here?"
Logan shrugged. "Guess I didn't want to spend the night alone – got used to sleeping with you."
Ororo said nothing. She just wished he'd get off her and stop torturing her. She wasn't sure how long she could resist him especially if he kissed her again which he was doing even now. It was as if he could read her mind, certainly he could read her body. Her body was crying out for him despite her determination not to give in.
"I love you," Logan said, his words barely audible.
"I love you too," Ororo responded. "But I can't do this."
"Why not?"
"I'm – I can't. I need to talk about all the stuff that happened. That's more important to me. I think we need to find out why everything's as weird as it is and what's going on before we get . . ."
"Get what? Down and dirty?" he asked then blew in her ear softly.
"Before we get more involved."
"It's probably harder to get more involved than being in love don't you think?"
"I think we need to see eye to eye before we . . . screw."
"I don't wanna screw you, darlin' – I wanna make love to you . . . all night long."
"Really? That's sweet, but don't kiss me again!" she cried out when he started to pull her to him.
"You're serious?"
"Yes. We need to talk."
Logan felt like growling but he rolled away from her and rested his arms behind his head staring up at the ceiling. Ororo felt bad. Half of her wanted to be with him but the other half refused to submit. It would be like giving in to exactly what she feared. How could she know if what she felt she wanted was really what she wanted?
"Do you really want to stay here?" she asked after a while still troubled.
"Yeah, I'm not going to just get up and go 'cause you won't give me any lovin'."
"No, I didn't mean that. I meant are you going to stay here, at Xavier's? You're sure you want to stay?"
"Yes," he sighed.
"You know I'm . . ."
"Let's talk about it tomorrow, okay?"
"Tomorrow won't change anything."
Neither spoke for a while. Ororo tentatively ran a hand through the vast hair on his chest. He sighed and wondered why he was still there with her, why he'd fallen in love with a born again virgin or whatever she was and why he didn't just finish what he'd started. It wouldn't be hard. He knew her vulnerable spots by now. Her neck was one and her ears. She'd be begging him to give it to her if he started up on her again, he was sure of that. He didn't want to make love he needed to make love to her. Something inside him needed to make her his. It started to think about the last NASCAR race he'd seen and about the upgrades he wanted to make on his Harley. He'd take her for a ride she'd like that. He knew how much she liked motorcycles.
He groaned. Why did every thought always lead back to her? There was no point in trying to forget about what he wanted and couldn't have for the moment. He didn't understand it and he sure couldn't explain it but for now all he could do was leave it alone. Maybe he could go to sleep. Sleep was just what he needed only he had a feeling it would be as hard to come by as it was to get a little action. Well, he'd done it before, he could do it again. It helped that just laying there with her filled him with a kind of stillness and contentment that he couldn't remember experiencing except during the previous nights he'd spent with her. If that wasn't love, him leaving her alone and feeling so good on top of all that, he didn't know what was.
For once Logan had what he never thought he'd ever have – someone who wanted to help him, someone who believed in him, someone who didn't judge him, someone who accepted him just as he was. He didn't want to think about any other woman but he knew in the back of his mind that Jean would never have accepted that he had murdered a kid just hitting his prime and she probably wouldn't have believed he hadn't killed Forge. But Ororo, she was just there for him not judging him and all and not afraid of him."You want us to get married?" Logan asked out of the blue.
Ororo sputtered, too taken aback to speak.
"Cause if that's what you want we could."
"You really want to marry me?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah, you'll marry me?"
"You want that?"
"You mean even without testing the goods first?"
Logan laughed. "Yeah, I'll marry you if that's what you want."
"What do you want, Ro?"
"I-I . . .I just want to be safe and happy like I used to be before Forge and Hank and all this crazy stuff. I want to be able to trust myself.""I'll take care of you," Logan said quietly.
"You really love me?"
"Yeah, I do."
She let him kiss her and she wrapped her arms around him. When he moved to her neck she laughed and laid her head down on his chest out of his reach and tried to think. This was more serious than she'd ever imagined. She had never thought about marrying Logan and for all the world she could hardly believe he'd asked her. She was pretty sure he wasn't the marrying type. All her doubts seemed to grow tenfold as his proposal gnawed at her brain. She decided she needed to sleep. Everything always seemed better after a good nights sleep so she closed her eyes and tried to force herself to sleep. Finally half way between being awake and falling asleep she smiled as daydreams turned into dreams.
Logan loved her enough to ask her to marry him! She didn't want to think it had anything to do with the Professor. A moment like that only came once in a lifetime if a girl was lucky. Logan couldn't be controlled by the Professor and she knew in her heart she hadn't been brainwashed into falling in love with Logan. They would have to go swimming, she thought vaguely. They could swim in a sea of warm lather, or foam. She saw a beach sparkling like jewels were strewn over the sand. She smiled. A huge wave was rushing towards her but Logan was beside her. She was drifting into sleep. Her brain began to lose focus but it was enough that here in this man's arms she felt safe and happy and good. She didn't know what the morrow would bring and she didn't know what to think about the Professor any more but she wasn't scared any more either.
Morning brought no changes. Logan was still there, sleeping soundly, his body curved into hers as if they had been sleeping together forever like a married couple still stuck with the same old habit. Any minute he'd probably wake up wanting what she couldn't give him until she knew the truth so she slipped from the bed quickly and without stealth, looked for a robe to throw on and headed for the door after she found it.
"Come back to bed."
She smiled. He was awake and probably ready to start right where they left off at last night. A part of her wanted to return to his warm embrace but the more sensible side of her made her shake her head and she shrugged into her robe and stepped outside into the hallway. She gasped when she saw Hank looming over her.
"What're you doing here?" she asked.
"Ororo! I was waiting for you to get up, I need to talk to you," Hank said affably enough. This was the last thing she wanted to do, confront Hank. While they had been gone apparently Nick Fury and his S.H.I.E.L.D. crew had taken Hank away for questioning but they hadn't told the Professor anything as far as they knew. Logan didn't like it any more than she did but he'd just accepted the Professor's word. The Professor had made it clear that he fully expected Hank to return and take up his place with the team once again. That didn't sit well with Ororo either. In fact, nothing sat well with her of late. Fury had told Logan not to worry about the missing Forge, that they would get to the bottom of it. Ororo thought that was too simple, too easy. It didn't make sense to her especially now that Hank was standing in front of her and it looked as if he'd been waiting for her.
"You okay, Ro?" Logan asked as he stuck his head out the door eying Hank suspiciously.
"Logan!" Hank blinked several times in disbelief. "You've moved in with Ororo?"
"Don't think that's any of your business," Logan said with a smirk.
"No, no it isn't. My apologies. Ororo, can we talk for a few minutes?"
"Okay," Ororo said and with a quick look at Logan who frowned but said nothing further.
As they walked down the hall Ororo glanced back to see Logan still watching them. The last thing she needed was for them to get into it again. As shocked as she was to see Hank she needed to talk to him whether Logan minded or not so she quickened her pace and headed downstairs dragging Hank along with her. She had a million questions for him and fully expected him to answer them.
It bugged her to think that Hank had been right about the Professor all along because if he had been then maybe he wasn't as crazy as everyone thought he was. Not only that but that would mean that maybe Hank wasn't being his usual self because he was being controlled. She couldn't see why the Professor would make Hank freak out like he had though. She hated to think she'd have to admit to him that she might have been wrong, that she had been vulnerable to Xavier's mind control and hoped she could avoid that issue but she needed to find out what he knew.
"You remember how hard it was for you to get over me when I started thinking the Professor made you like me?"
"Please, don't give yourself so much credit. I was young, dumb, and naïve, that was all."
"Well whatever it may have been I feel the malaise may have been passed on to me. I found it very hard to let you go but now I think I finally have."
"Well, good for you. Do you want a cookie or something?"
"I just want you to know that I will not come between you and Logan any more and before you try to tell me he's not your boyfriend don't forget I saw him standing naked in your room."
"He wasn't naked – was he? Don't answer that."
"He was naked."
"Well, so what? He is my boyfriend – my man, whatever you want to call it and a whole lot more," Ororo retorted somewhat spitefully and with no guilt.
The look on Hanks face changed that. She wished she could take back her thoughtless and angry words. Hank looked like a big teddy bear that had lost its favorite little outfit but it was a fleeting look soon replaced with a look of calm resolve.
To Hank's surprise he found Ororo's frank announcement only hurt a little. He smiled benignly and nodded. Ororo was creeped out by his behavior and yet she remembered a time when she had thought she'd been in love with him and she knew he had loved her at one time too. It made her feel sorry for him. She knew now that what she'd felt for Hank had been nothing but a confused infatuation that fixed the need she'd had to feel connected to someone in their hard and uncertain lifestyle as X-Men.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you like that," she said.
"You know you were the one who made me start thinking we were brainwashed. Remember?"
"Huh?"
"Remember? You wondered why you were with us because of who you used to be. You said something along the lines of being a witch and serving time in prison. I assumed you meant being held in Juvenile."
"I don't remember that."
"You're too flighty for your own good sometimes."
"Look, I'm not even going to go there with you."
"The old Ororo would have. You've changed."
"Not as much as you seem to think. I know you're thinking I'm sleeping with Logan but you're wrong."
Hank frowned. He had thought exactly that and wondered, why Logan and not him? That caused a small ache in his heart.
"We're not sleeping together it's just that he – we – we're together in a way I can't explain but we aren't doing anything not that it's any of your business."
"You're telling me he just spends the night and doesn't touch you?"
"Oh, he touches me all right but we haven't gone there yet."
"Yet."
"Maybe never, who knows?"
"You're not in love with him then?"
"I thought you said you didn't care and you weren't going to interfere anymore?"
He shook his head and started to walk away but she stopped him and looked at him with imploring eyes.
"So . . . do you still think we're being brainwashed, Hank?"
"I don't know for certain but I have to believe that we aren't. I wish I could say yes or no but . . . I can never really be sure."
"How do you live like that then? It has to be awful."
"Sometimes I don't know."
"But you're a genius. Can't you figure out a way to find out? Invent some kind of anti mind reading machine or something? Cross the wires on Cerebro or something?"
"Right, that would work."
"You could figure out how to get over . . ."
"To what purpose? He knows all after all."
"For satisfaction if nothing else."
"Perhaps I could throw a monkey-wrench or a breaker bar into Cerebro – about anything of the sort would result in similar gratification, eh? Is that what you think?"
"I'm serious."
"So am I and, in fact I will confess to throwing a few curve balls to see what I can do on my own free will but . . ."
"Like with Forge?"
"Y – I . . ." Hank trailed off, his face a mask of twisted emotions.
Ororo thought he was on the brink of revealing the truth but fighting his need to tell her everything like he used to do when they were together. Even then he had never confided in her like Logan had. Never anything very personal.
"Sometimes I just see how far I can go," Hank finally said.
"And then you know you're not being controlled?"
"Something like that."
"But what if he . . . you know, what if that's just a charade and it's not really you thinking these things or doing them? What if you're throwing your stupid curve ball into our lives thinking it's you trying to prove a point and screwing us over only it's not you but someone else making you do it and making you think it's you trying to test the limits and making you think you aren't being controlled because you're getting away with all this crazy stuff that's so not you?"
"Huh? Can you run that by me one more time?"
"Oh, Hank you're not a mean vindictive crazy bastard! I don't think you'd ever think about hurting someone much less kill someone unless you had to," Ororo sighed as she looked at her ex. "Even if you wanted to know if you being brainwashed or not you wouldn't've done anything like what you have done. You're better than that."
"I haven't done anything," Hank insisted.
Ororo shook her head sadly but she found nothing else to say. Her heart went out to Hank. It was weird but she still cared for him. Maybe she always would. Just like she'd always care for the others after all they'd gone through together.
"I can smell the lies rollin' off ya, bub," Logan growled as he came up to them now dressed in a pair of jeans and a tee shirt.
Hank gave Logan an annoyed glance but turned his attention back to Ororo.
"I just wanted you to know how I felt."
She nodded, keeping one eye on him and the other on Logan.
"You got a lot of questions ta answer, bub," Logan said.
"I have nothing to answer for."
"You wanna explain where Forge is or you want me to beat it out of you?"
"Logan, that will be enough!"
They all turned to see Charles rolling up to them in his rickety old wheelchair.
"You see how it is, Professor," Hank said as he waved towards Logan. "I'm trying to be nice but look at Logan; it's him who's always starting things when I'm trying to make amends."
To Ororo Hank sounded like a little boy tattling to his parental figure. It was enough to almost gag her and her guilt and sadness about him just about disappeared.
"Hank, please take Ororo elsewhere so Logan and I can a moment alone," the Professor ordered.
Ever obedient, Hank took Ororo by the arm and led her back upstairs. Once they were out of sight Ororo pulled away from him angrily.
"I don't guess we're ever be friends again," Hank said wistfully. "But please heed this bit of advice, Ororo – beware of the danger room."
"What do you mean beware . . . ?"
"Sssh, just do what I said."
"Why're you shushing me?"
"Why do you think?"
Ororo's eyes grew large as she looked from Hank to the stairs. She had to shut her eyes and take a few deep breaths to calm herself.
"Where is Forge?" she asked when she opened her eyes.
"Forge who?" Hank said before he went back downstairs.
Ororo felt like screaming. She was sick of all the crazy men running around the place and for a second there she wished she could talk to Jean. She wished they could share a pint of ice cream and forget all their troubles. Those days would never come back she realized and she went into her room trying not to cry.
After showering and dressing Ororo went back downstairs to see what she could find to eat. When she heard low voices in the kitchen she paused before entering. It was Scott talking or more like lecturing Logan and to Ororo's surprise Logan was putting up with it without saying a word in his defense.
" . . .Is that understood?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"Good."
"So, um, Cyke I never did tell you I . . . I wish what happened – what I did ta ya a while ago never happened."
"No, you didn't."
"Well, I acted like a stupid kid."
"Is this some form of an apology?"
"Yeah, I guess it is."
"I don't believe it! I've seen everything now! Ororo's got you whipped I see – cat of nine tails by the looks of it!"
The look of rage on Logan's face made Scott laugh instead of fearing for his life as he should have.
"Hey, I understand you man, don't get me wrong. It takes a good man to admit when he's wrong but I don't think you would've done that without Ororo."
"Yeah, maybe," Logan said with a distracted air having just picked up Ororo's scent outside the kitchen door.
"So we're cool?"
"Cool as a cucumber," Scott replied and laughed.
Ororo went back upstairs wondering if the Professor had brainwashed everyone. Logan apologizing to Scott was the last straw. Sure he should've apologized a long time ago but now was just too pact, too coincidental, and too weird. Logan wasn't acting like himself the way she knew him. The old Logan would've beaten the hell out of Hank and said to hell with Xavier and booked but now – now she just couldn't understand him. She wanted the old Logan back or at least the part of Logan that thought with his instincts instead of his heart. Well, maybe she didn't want him to be that way again but she wanted him to wake up if nothing else.
She could see why Kitty had wanted to return, she was a little kid who still cried when she was scared and didn't know how to flirt with guys yet but Ororo still couldn't figure out why Logan had come back. He hadn't said anything significant other than he trusted the Professor which Ororo refused to believe. They'd been in the exact same cave that the Professor had sent Logan to in order to kill a boy whose mutant powers had blasted out of control when he'd hit puberty. To her way of thinking if the Professor could order a hit on a kid, and a hit was exactly the way she saw it, then what type of mentor was he? What kind of man did that make him and just how trustworthy was he? She couldn't see how he could justify his actions. Could the Professor possibly consider it a mercy killing because no other alternatives could be found? There was no way she could buy that.
And then there was Forge. No one had been arrested and now after questioning Hank overnight they'd just up and let him go as if nothing had happened. There was no body, no suspect – nothing. It was as if it hadn't really happened but all the same Forge was gone. Now that he was supposedly dead she was really starting not to like the guy.
She hated to admit it but she was really starting not to like Logan again too. She knew she'd come to care a lot for him, even love him in a way she hadn't even imagined and in all honesty that hadn't gone away. He was kind of like an essential part of her and somehow she knew that the feelings she had towards him would always be there whether they remained together or not and whether they were real or not. She didn't want to think about that though. Feelings aside, she was mad at Logan for coming back, for walking right into the den of wolves. She didn't trust Hank and she didn't trust Charles. She wanted Logan to be safe not to mention she wanted to be safe.
Being with the X-Men never guaranteed any kind of physical safety but she at least expected to have some kind of peace of mind while she wasn't worried about taking out the bad guys. She didn't think she should have to be burdened with this doubt. If she didn't know if she was controlling her own actions or not what did that leave her? She'd just be a walking shell doing things she had no idea she didn't want to do and all the while second guessing herself. It was kind of like having no mouth and unable to scream. She'd read that in a book once. Ellison was it?
Now the tables were turned and to Ororo it all came back to Hank. Full circle. She still felt a little angry at him but her guilt had come back a little. He hadn't relieved her of her worries at all, he'd only made her worry all the more and that just made her angrier. She decided she didn't ever want to see him again. She almost felt that way about Logan and certainly about Forge whether his body was a rotting carcass or not. What she really wanted to do though was leave, go somewhere where no one could find her and where it was peaceful and everyone minded their own business and left you alone even if you were different. Of course she didn't know where a place like that could be. Was there even such a place as that in America?