There are two reasons why I decided to write this story in the first place: 1) To get Shika drunk, and 2) Kakashi, without mask, in costume, kicking Gai's ass. I've ALWAYS wanted to see Kakashi totally OWN Gai, and the only way I can see him doing that is by beating him at his own game, a.k.a. to stage something even bigger and flashier than Gai himself could ever come up with. Thus, this chapter was born. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did writing it! And, I know that what I did with Gaara seems a bit off the wall (as is this entire story) but he does have that craziness about him that I can see coming out after years of not having a normal life. I think that's why I pictured him as the Mad Hatter...

Kakashi: WILL you shut up and get on with it already? This is MY show, and you're hogging it!

Sharingank: Sorry, sorry:pulls out anime-style cheerleader fans: GO AND KICK THAT BUSHY BROWED BOWL HEAD OFF HIS HIGH HORSE! WOOOOOOOOOOT!

Kakashi: Don't hurt yourself.

Sharingank:running around in circles waving fans: KICK HIS ASSSSSS! BEAT HIM SENSELESS!

Kakashi:puts duct tape over crazy author's mouth and ties her to chair: Now that she's under control, sit back, relax, and get ready to be amazed.

Chapter 5: Enter Scarecrow Kakashi! And the Dread Pirate Gai?

Gai stood outside the large oak doors to the main ballroom of Ebony Hall, smiling to himself. Kakashi, it seemed, was running a bit late, so Gai would be able to make his grand entrance first. And then, when the old man walks in, he'll see me in all my glory, and beg me to have pity on him. The thought of seeing his rival reduced to a groveling sycophant only made his smile grow wider. He'll have to take me seriously, now. An excited cackle escaped him, but he swallowed it, puffing out his chest and squaring his shoulders, a sneer fixed on his face. Here goes.

A crowd had gathered near the back of the ballroom to witness the spectacle, their breaths held in anticipation. Shikamaru could barely contain his glee at having a reason to stop dancing, and looked at Ino with raised eyebrows. Like everyone else, he had heard about the wager, and was just as anxious as the others to see what was going to come of it.

"Let's go check it out," he said, taking Ino's hand and leading her into the mass of bodies, stopping when he found their friends, all of whom had the same eager expression on their faces. When the large oak doors swung open, the crowd parted, leaving a narrow path open in the center. Taking that as his cue, Gai swaggered in, having adapted the gait suitable to a pirate. He smirked at his audience, and, being Gai, assumed a various number of poses, allowing them all ample time to admire his genius. Lee, whose idolization of his former sensei bordered on the unhealthy, stared at Gai with a look of adoration. "He's...so...cool!" He said, completely star- struck.

The costume was rather incredible, there was no denying that. Gai wore a full white shirt with a ruff at the neck, accompanied by ared-velvet vest with golden buttons. His jacket was black and flared at the waist, the cuffs folded back and secured with the same gold buttons as those on the vest. Beneath all this he wore black breeches and boots, and a sword was buckled to his side. On his head sat a black four cornered hat, and a red sash was tied around his forehead. A patch covered his right eye, and a stuffed parrot perched on his left shoulder, completing the ensemble. The rest of the crowd seemed just as enamored with the Dread Pirate Gai as Lee, pointing and whispering while Gai soaked it all up like a sponge. Lee's friends, however, saw quite a different picture, and had to muffle their snickers behind their hands. No matter how good the costume, it did not erase the fact that the one wearing was...well...Gai. Yes, his skill as a ninja was undisputable, but the man himself, quite frankly, was a buffoon. While his intent was to appear roguish and evil, it was quite difficult for those who had witnessed some of his antics to look at him that way.

"That's...interesting," Naruto said, looking as if he had swallowed something sour from trying to force back laughter.

"Oh yes," Sakura added gravely, eyes twinkling. "The Dread pirate, indeed."

Kakashi had since arrived while all of this had been going on, and quickly poked his head around the side of the doors to catch a glimpse of Gai.

"Well, what is he?" Kurenai asked, checking over her costume one last time.

Kakashi chortled. "A pirate," he whispered, grinning. "He's seems all proud of himself, too." He turned from the door then, surveying his friends. "Are we ready to do this, guys?"

Kurenai, Asuma, and Konohamaru, who had been recruited only the day before to narrate, responded with wicked grins.

"Then let's get'em." Kakashi replied, pent up adrenaline coursing through his veins. It felt strange not to feel the familiar fabric of his mask against his skin; it was almost...liberating...but not so much that he was about to get rid of the mask for good. Maybe I'll leave it off for special occasions...he thought giddily as Konohamaru stepped through the doors. The show was about to begin.

"My, what a very frightening pirate," The grandson of the Third Hokage said, his voice pitching through the ballroom. All attention was momentarily diverted from Gai, and hundreds of pairs of eyes were now focused on Konohamaru. The laughter started soon after, for the seventeen- year-old's normally dark hair was now as blonde as the current Hokage's, and the whisker-like markings on Naruto's cheeks had been drawn on Konohamaru's face. To top it all off, he wore the same orange jacket and pants that Naruto favored when he was younger.

"Nice," Naruto whispered, chuckling.

Konohamaru strolled lazily to the middle of the path, turning to Gai, but speaking to the throng. "Now that you've been dazzled by his...charms," he paused, getting the laugh he'd intended, "I am going to captivate you all even further." He gave Gai an impish smile, and received a glare. He clucked his tongue. "Now, now, none of that," he said deprecatingly, and faced the audience. "I have a little story I'd like to tell, one that is full of mischief and magic, but I am going to need a bit more room to do it in." The spectators, understanding the implication, began moving towards the tables, leaving the entire floor free. When everyone was seated, including Gai, his face incredulous, the lights dimmed, and one main spotlight shined on Konohamaru.

"Now," he continued over awed gasps, "this story is about two very devious crows named Ari and Kuri." As he spoke, Asuma and Kurenai, garbed all in black, crept out of the shadows, sticking close together and laughing.

"These crows were menaces, always eating the farmer, which would be me, out of house and home." 'Ari' and 'Kuri' produced sacks and slung them over their shoulders, tip-toeing along comically with the spotlight focused on them.

"Very good find today, Ari," Kurenai said in a sly voice, opening the pack and rifling through it.

"Got the best of his crop, we did," Asuma replied, smirking.

"What was the farmer to do?" Konohamaru was back in the spotlight again. "The crows were smart, and no matter what he tried, they always outwitted him."

Ari and Kuri prowled through the charmed audience then, jumping on tables, swiping plates and knives and forks and depositing them into the sacks, shouting back and forth to each other about how silly humans were.

"He thought and he thought and he thought, until finally, the most extraordinary idea came to him. 'I'll make a scarecrow!' He said. 'The most fantastical, magnificent scarecrow ever to be seen! That'll surely get rid of those crows!' And so the farmer went to his workshop and stayed there three days and three nights, until finally.." Konohamaru walked towards the doors, disappearing for a minute and then reappearing, wheeling out a wooden stake on which something concealed in shadow was stretched. "The scarecrow was born."

The light honed in on the stake, revealing Kakashi, his head bowed, seemingly asleep and snoring rather loudly. He wore a green long-sleeved tunic withlarge red buttons, the cross-stitching at the shoulders made of gold flax. The sleeves were tied at the wrists with frayed yellow rope, the same of which hung about his waist, and his hands were covered by gloves of magenta. His pants were striped white, green, and red and also frayed at the bottoms, and his soft brown shoes came to a point at the toe. Bits of straw poked out all over, and on his head was a straw hat. Around his neck was a gold collar-piece, adorned with straw at the ends.

Konohamaru tilted his head to the side, eyebrow raised. "I said, the scarecrow was born!" The snoring continued amidst laughter. Konohamaru rolled his eyes, sighing. "WAKE UP!" He roared.

"AUGH! CROW! WHERE?" Kakashi's head snapped up, and he looked around in a panic, scattering straw as he did so. A collective intake of breath ensued as Kakashi's face was finally revealed to all. Large black circles were painted around his eyes and filled in with white, all but concealing the scar left from the Sharingan. The base color of his face was gold, with black markings resembling stitching along his chin and cheeks, his nose was red, and his mouth was painted dark brown. Technically, because of the paint, it wasn't his true face, but it was close enough. Kakashi, secretly congratulating himself, honed in on Konohamaru, his eyes narrowing. "You aren't a crow," he said, turning his head to the side and mouthing, 'what's with this guy?' to the audience, who, after getting over the initial shock, were able to laugh again. Naruto and Sakura were particularly affected, this being the first time they had ever seen their former sensei without his mask.

"I had no idea he was that hot," Sakura whispered, unable to tear her eyes away. It seemed like most of the other ladies in the ballroom were feeling the same way, mouths open, staring hungrily. "That whole time...he looked...like...that..."

Nartuo chose not to reply to that.

Konohamaru spoke again, replying to Kakasi's earlier statement. "Of course I'm NOT!"

"Well what did you wake me up for? I was having such a pleasant dream-"

Konohamaru glared at the scarecrow. "Because, I have crows that I need you to get rid of!" He turned away from Kakashi and began pacing back and forth, at which time Kakashi stuck his tongue out at Konohamaru and started making faces, which induced more laughter. Konohamaru spun around and Kakashi smiled innocently.

"I'm only here to serve."

Konohamaru placed his hands on his hips. "Well, go on then. Do your thing."

Ari and Kuri were wreaking havoc again, tossing the plates back and forth like Frisbees, cackling.

"You see? This is what I have to put up with!"

"Kakashi's eyes went wide. "Oh my," he said. "I suppose I should do something then, shouldn't I?" He looked down at the stake, and back at Konohamaru. "You don't think you could get me down from here, do you? I can't exactly do my job when I'm stuck up here."

Grumbling, Konohamaru released the ties that held Kakashi in place, whispering in his ear quickly, "you've got this in the bag."

"I know," Kakashi replied with a tiny smile before tumbling down from the stake, sliding across the floor on his stomach. He picked himself up and shook his head, scattering more straw. The audience was howling.

Konohamaru picked up the thread of the narrator again, keeping his own laughter in check. "And so the scarecrow came up with a plan to catch the terrible crows unawares. He would sneak up behind them, ever so quietly, and scare them so horribly that they would never come back."

"OOOO!" Kakashi burst out, looking at Konohamaru expectantly. "What did he do? Tell me, tell me!"

Konohamaru stared blankly, his eyebrow twitching. "You are the scarecrow, baka."

"Oh, right."

Slapping his forehead and sighing tragically, Konohamaru continued. "The next day, the crows carried about their business, completely oblivious to the farmer's new weapon..."

The crows Ari and Kuri returned to the floor then as the scene changed, and they huddled together in a corner to examine their plunder.

"Humans use the strangest things," Ari said, holding up a fork and turning it over in his feathered hands. "I don't get it."

"Maybe you eat it?" Kuri said, taking the fork and clamping down on it. "Ouch! That hurt!" She tossed the fork aside angrily, cawing at it.

Meanwhile, Kakashi the Scarecrow, as silent as a ghost, began advancing upon the unsuspecting crows, his smile evil as he got closer and closer. Kneeling, Kakashi poked his head in between the crows.

"BOO!" He cried, and the crows jumped, tossing their sacks in fright. They held on to each other, shuddering, as the scarecrow towered over them, his arms crossed over his chest. "I do say, you two have been very, very naughty. I think I shall have to punish you."

"NO!" The crows yelped together.

"We'll leave!" Said Ari.

"We won't come back, ever!" Said Kuri.

"Don't punish us!" They said, inching away from the scarecrow.

"And the scarecrow pondered that," Konohamaru said as Kakashi held his chin and scratched his head through his hat. "and he decided to show the crows mercy. They hadn't done anything to him, and so he saw no real reason to punish them."

"I'll let you go this time," he said, "but if you do come back, I won't be so nice."

"So the crows flew off, keeping good on their word. They never bothered the farmer again, all thanks to the scarecrow." Konohamaru finished, grinning.

The lights came up, and the crowd remained silent for all of two seconds before bursting into applause, cheering and whistling. Asuma, Kurenai, and Konohamaru bowed, the cheering growing louder. Stepping aside, they allowed Kakashi to come forward, and, removing his hat, he bowed, receiving the longest and loudest cheers. Gai could only stare, completely and utterly defeated. He had never expected something like this to come from Kakashi, not even in a million years! This was supposed to be my victory! How in the hell did this happen? He...he...outclassed me! Me!

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand on his shoulder. "Well, have you got anything to say to me, pirate?" Kakashi asked, smirking.

Gai wanted nothing more than to punch his rival right in that pretty-boy face of his, but he showed an astonishing amount of self-control. "Not bad, Hatake." He forced out through clenched teeth.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "I'll take that as your way of saying that I win."

Gai's mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out. Kakashi had already moved on anyway to sit with Naruto and the gang, who were all praising the Jounin in loud, raucous voices. It was clear who had won the wager, even if the loser would never admit it.

Kakashi: I rock. No question about it.

Sharingank:jelly on floor: YES YOU DO! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!

Gai: That was EMBARRASSING! You didn't have to be that cruel, you know.

Sharingank:innocently: Who? Me?

Gai: You're...so...evil...

Kakashi: You're just jealous that she has taste. She knows that I am clearly the best. And that you suck.

Gai:glaring with fire in eyes:

Sharingank: Uh, guys...guys? Oh dear. Look what I started...

Announcer: And in the next exciting episode, even more craziness will ensue! It's dinner time, which means DRINKING! Better look out, Shika! Join us next time, for Chapter 6, Was This Supposed to be a Drinking Contest?

BWAH-HA-HA-HA! I'm not crazy, really. No, seriously. I mean it. I'M NOT CRAZY!