Folks, this chapter is the fault of Joee and SilentBanshee, both of whom wanted me to describe how Estel finally learned about man-kissing. No sooner had I read their reviews, than my fevered brain began fevering. So, if you don't like this chapter, flame Joee and SilentBanshee, not me! Of course, if you like this chapter….
Besides Joee and SilentBanshee, I'd like to thank these additional reviewers: Gershwhen, Grumpy, Kathysidle, Dragonfly, and Kitsune.
I'd also like to thank Dragonfly for once again serving as beta reader. This time she caught an 'Erestor' that should have been an 'Elrohir'. I don't think I'll ever be safe from making that error!
I'm bumping the rating up to PG-13, by the way. Parents, you have been warned!
While Erestor was off having his adventure on the borders of Imladris, Estel was left in the capable hands of Anomen, Elladan, and Elrohir—capable, that is, of great mischief.
"Things are too dull around here," sighed Elrohir one day. "We must liven things up."
"If we 'liven' things up," Anomen pointed out, "Ada will certainly make things lively for us. It has been several years since I've had to polish armor or peel potatoes, and I have no desire to reacquaint myself with those tasks."
"Fine," said Elrohir. "We won't liven things up in Rivendell but will take our show on the road."
"What do you have in mind?" asked Elladan. "Dunland?"
"No! Bree-land! Dunland has no taverns, but Bree and the other villages thereabouts have several. We could occupy ourselves for days."
Estel was of course listening carefully to this conversation.
"We will be amongst Men in Bree-land," he piped up, "so you had better tell me as much about them as you can. For example, surely I ought to know about 'man-kissing', for no doubt it is a custom of Men."
The Elves stared at him.
"First of all," said Elrohir when he at last found his voice, "what do you mean by 'we', youngling? No one has said that you will be going to Bree-land. Second, even if you were to accompany us, you have no need to know about 'man-kissing', for you are not even tall enough to reach a woman's lips, let alone kiss a pair of them!"
Estel was not the least put off.
"First of all," he replied impishly, "I say 'we' because you will take me, for if you do not I shall go to Ada and tell them what you are about. You are supposed to be looking after me, not carousing in taverns! Second, didn't Elladan say the other day that size doesn't matter?"
This led to such shouts and hoots that Gandalf, who was visiting at the time, came out of his chamber to investigate.
"Here, now," he protested. "I am trying to peruse a scroll containing most important lore but find myself distracted by your hubbub. Whatever is the meaning of this disturbance?"
"They are making fun of my size," complained Estel, "when Elladan has but lately said that size doesn't matter!"
Gandalf looked at the Elves with a decidedly odd expression upon his face.
"Don't you think Estel is a little young to be subjected to such comparisons," he scolded them. "His voice hasn't changed; moreover, he is quite hairless, and some of his parts are still undescended. Surely you must have noticed these things whilst you were comparing equipment."
The Elves were incapable of coherent speech, so embarrassed were they.
"We-we-we," stammered Elladan.
"And really," Gandalf went on, "if Estel is too young for this sort of thing, you are assuredly too old. What will you be engaging in next, pray tell, competitions to see who can piss the furthest!?"
With that the wizard turned on his heel and stomped back into his chamber, leaving three flummoxed Elves and one vindicated boy.
"What he must think of us," moaned Anomen as they gathered up glasses and bottles and relocated their conclave to the garden.
"Yes," said Elladan, equally gloomy, "and I hope he doesn't mention his thoughts to Ada. Ada has made it very clear that he doesn't want Estel following in Elrohir's footsteps, and if he thinks—"
"My footsteps!? My footsteps!?" exclaimed Elrohir indignantly. "Maybe I had just better go to Ada and mention that last week you—"
"Shouldn't say that in front of Estel!" said Elladan hastily.
The individual in question smelled an advantage as keenly as a wolf sniffs out blood.
"I think you had better take me to Bree-land," he crowed.
The Elves nodded weakly. Anomen spoke, also weakly.
"Aye, we'll take you."
"And tell me about man-kissing—for as I am a Man, it is something I shall need to know!"
"Yes," said Elladan gloomily. "We'll tell you about man-kissing." He arose from his seat.
"Excuse me a moment."
He stepped behind a tree, but as he did so, Elrohir called out, "Wait a minute, brother. I'll join you." Seizing a half-filled wine bottle, Elrohir chugged it down before hastening after Elladan. There was a moment's silence, then the sound of water plashing upon the leaves. Elrohir was heard to say, "Hah! I thought so!" Then the twins reappeared, Elladan looking embarrassed, Elrohir triumphant. Elrohir reached for another wine bottle, looking around challengingly. Anomen, who had been thinking about making water himself, decided that his need was not so urgent after all.
Perhaps it was the wine; perhaps it was the thrill of 'victory': whatever the reason, Elrohir suddenly waxed brilliant.
"I can think of a better idea than just telling Estel about man-kissing," he announced.
"Oh, indeed?" said Anomen cautiously.
"Yes!" Elrohir grinned wickedly. "Man-kissing is better demonstrated than described. We shall put Estel in the way of observing two talented man-kissers."
Estel looked puzzled.
"But I am the only Man hereabouts, unless you are counting Mithrandir."
Suddenly the boy grew alarmed: "You are not expecting me to kiss Mithrandir! He will put a spell on me—give me a bird beak for lips, no doubt!"
"Man-kissing," explained Anomen, "does not require a Man. It only requires a pair, be it Man, Dwarf, or Elf."
"Then why is it called man-kissing?"
Anomen shrugged.
"I suppose Men may have done it first, and then the other kindred happened to observe them and adopted the practice."
This was impressive. Estel was tired of hearing that the Elves had been the first to do this and the first to do that. It was good to know that Men took priority in at least one respect, although he would have rather it had been sword-wielding at which Men took the prize. Fortunately he did not voice this thought aloud, as no doubt one of the Elves, likely Elrohir, would have had a witty retort on that subject.
Anomen was still worried about what Elrohir was planning.
"So you mean to arrange for Estel to observe a couple man-kissing."
"Yes," grinned Elrohir.
"The couple will not like it," warned Anomen. "One expects privacy when one engages in that sort of thing."
Elrohir airily dismissed Anomen's concern.
"Oh, they'll never know. Estel can be as quiet as an Elf when he chooses to be."
Elladan spoke up then.
"Whom do you have in mind as the players in your little drama?"
Elrohir opened his mouth to speak, but just then shouts were heard coming from the Hall. Elves and boy immediately abandoned the garden and headed to the Hall to see what had happened. To their surprise, they saw that Erestor and Glorfindel had returned from their expedition much earlier than expected.
"…attacked by an Orc," they overheard Glorfindel saying to Elrond. "Only survived because the Orc's blundering companion, whilst trying to shoot Erestor, shot the would-be murderer instead. Tomorrow I will lead a company back to that spot. For now I will go to my chamber. Will you have some food and drink sent to my room, Elrond? I do not think I shall appear at dinner tonight."
"Of course, mellon-nîn," Elrond assured him. "You can hardly be expected to sit through a formal meal after your hard journey. I will see that a tray is sent up to you."
With that, Elrond, Glorfindel, and Erestor strolled off. Elrohir's eyes were shining as he watched them go.
"I have heard tell," he whispered to the others, "that Glorfindel is the greatest of all man-kissers."
"Elrohir," warned Anomen, "I hope you are not thinking—"
"And who better," continued Elrohir, ignoring Anomen's attempt to speak, "to demonstrate man-kissing than the master of the technique?"
"He is also," Anomen tried to remind him, "the balrog-slayer, legendary for wreaking havoc upon his foes! If you wish to keep a tongue in your head, I would advise you to settle upon another Elf!"
"Besides," Elladan added, "you heard him tell Ada that he wished to retire to his room. He won't be out and about tonight, and tomorrow morning he is leaving."
"He might come out of his room later tonight, given the right incentive," replied Elrohir gleefully.
"The right incentive?" said Anomen cautiously.
"Aye," chortled Elrohir. "There is an elleth whom he has greatly admired for centuries but has feared approaching."
"Glorfindel has feared approaching an elleth?" said Anomen, incredulous. "I don't believe it!"
"Oh, but it's true. She's kin to Galadriel and quite as formidable!"
"Ah, that one," said Elladan knowingly. "Yes, I have seen him quail at a glance from her."
"But," argued Anomen, "as he fears to woo her, I do not see how she could be used to entice Glorfindel from his room."
"That's simple, troll-brain! Glorfindel will receive a missive from her that will set up an assignation."
"More likely an assassination," observed Anomen gloomily, "and of us! But, tell me, O clever one, how are you going to get her to send such a message?"
"You are a troll-brain," said Elrohir fondly. "I am going to write the letter, which Estel, who creeps in and out of the kitchen all the time, will slip onto the tray that is being prepared for Glorfindel. Mark my words, as soon as he reads it, he will hasten into the garden!"
"It takes two to kiss," Elladan pointed out.
"Let me guess," said Anomen wryly. "Elrohir is going to write a letter to her as well, one that is purportedly from Glorfindel."
"Of course," grinned Elrohir, "and that one Estel shall slip under her chamber door whilst she is at dinner. When she returns, she will find it, and she will hasten to the garden."
"There is a flaw in your plan," said Elladan. "She has been heard to speak disdainfully of Glorfindel, saying that even if he were the last Elf on Middle Earth she would have naught to do with him. Once she was even heard to say that she'd prefer the company of a Dwarf over his! As she has been heard to say these things, her pride would prevent her from accepting an invitation from Glorfindel."
"I have heard," said Anomen wisely, "that ellith denigrate the very Elves who most appeal to them. Still," he added, "Elladan has a point. So often has she ridiculed Glorfindel that it would be very hard for her to unbend enough to meet him in the garden. You must give over this plan, Elrohir."
Elrohir pondered for awhile.
"Ah hah," he crowed at last. "I have it. I shall simply sign the letter 'Your Admirer'. I shall include enough clues to allow her to deduce that it comes from Glorfindel. She will thus wish to meet him, but she will be able to claim to all and sundry that she had no idea who it was awaited her. Thus her pride will be protected even as her desire is piqued!"
Anomen and Elladan had run out of objections and looked at each other helplessly. Willy nilly, Elrohir would set this plot in motion. The three Elves and the boy retired to the library to collect paper, pen, and ink, and Elrohir labored over several drafts of each letter until he was certain that both would pass muster.
"Here," he said, thrusting them into Estel's hands. "This one is to be placed onto Glorfindel's tray, and this one is to be slipped under the elleth's door. Then get you into the garden and climb the tree to the right of the statue of Gil-galad."
"To the right as I face the statue or as I stand with my back to it?"
"As you face the statue. Hurry! You must accomplish your task before the tray is delivered and before the elleth returns to her chamber!"
Estel hastened from the room. Elladan quietly slipped out after him. The Elf was still a trifle miffed at Elrohir's earlier behavior in the garden, and he thought it would serve his brother right if his plan went awry. "Estel," he called after the boy.
Estel turned.
"Yes, Elladan?"
"Since you have need of haste, I will deliver one of the letters, the one intended for the elleth."
"Thank you, Elladan," said Estel gratefully. He handed over that missive and ran off. Elladan at once hastened to a chamber and slipped the letter under its door. Of course, Reader, you know that the chamber he chose was not the one Elrohir had intended.
Not long afterward, Glorfindel answered a knock upon his door and eagerly accepted a tray from one of the servants. "Mmm," he sighed at the savory odors that arose from the dishes as he uncovered them. Then he noticed that a piece of paper had been slipped under one of the plates. He drew it forth, unfolded it, and, as he read it, laughed triumphantly.
"Oh ho! At last she has come to her senses! I do not know how she contrived to overlook me for as long as she did, but tonight I shall show her what she has been missing all these centuries!"
His dinner forgotten, Glorfindel hastened to the mirror and examined his appearance critically, turning this way and that. He took out his braids and redid his hair, and he changed tunics several times until he was certain that he had found the one that best accentuated his golden hair and his blue eyes. At last, satisfied, he hurried to the garden and took up his position behind Gil-galad's statue.
Meanwhile, another individual—let us say the Beloved for ease of explanation—was pacing back and forth in agitation.
"Someone admires me, but who?" wondered the Beloved, who, not the intended recipient of the letter, had been unable to deduce the identity of the Admirer. The Beloved considered and dismissed several possible Admirers. At last, all attempts at solving the riddle frustrated, the Beloved concluded that the only thing to be done was to follow the instructions in the letter. "I shall not be able to endure without solving this mystery," declared the Beloved. The Beloved looked about for something appropriate for cleansing the mouth, but the only thing suitable was a bundle of athelas leaves. The Beloved chewed and then spat into a bowl before finally setting out for the garden with grim determination.
As Glorfindel stood waiting for the arrival of said Beloved, he uncorked the tiny bottle of miruvor he was carrying, took a little into his mouth, gargled, then spat into the bushes. No doubt Elrond would have been horrified if he had seen the use to which Glorfindel was putting the precious cordial, but Glorfindel had been looking forward to this moment for several centuries.
Having prepared his mouth, Glorfindel closed his eyes, imagining the smell and the feel of his approaching lover. Just at that moment, he heard soft footsteps. So attuned were his senses that, without opening his eyes, he was able to capture the Beloved in an embrace both soft but firm.
Mouth opening in surprise, the Beloved could do nothing in return. As an amazed Estel watched, Glorfindel took advantage of the Beloved's confusion, slipping his tongue past the open lips into a mouth that tasted of the sweetness of athelas. Sighing with pleasure, Glorfindel, as was to be expected, 'explored the mouth of his lover, plundering its warm recesses', and etc., etc., etc. No 'tongues dueling for dominance', of course, for the Beloved was too stunned to do anything other than stand there limp. Glorfindel, however, as was appropriate given his reputation, was in full compliance with all relevant rules governing the use of tongues in scenes of fan fiction passion. (Author's note: Said section reads as follows: "tongues invariably slip through open lips, then plunder and explore. Dueling is optional, as are moans. For additional requirements for scenes of fan fiction passion involving the tongue, see also under 'leaned into the kiss' and 'deepened the kiss'.")
For several heady moments, Glorfindel was oblivious to all but the mouth of his Beloved. At last, still following fan fiction regulations, the balrog-slayer began to suffer from lack of oxygen and had to break the kiss in order to breathe. Withdrawing his tongue, he opened his eyes to feast upon the beauty of his Beloved.
"Paugh!" Glorfindel exclaimed. Releasing the Beloved at once, Glorfindel sprang back several feet.
"Erestor!" he cried in dismay, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
As for Erestor, he was gagging and retching.
Glorfindel hastily uncorked the bottle of miruvor, intending to gargle again, but Erestor snatched it away from him and frantically cleansed his own mouth.
"Glorfindel," he spluttered once he had his breath back. "Glorfindel! You! I thought, I thought—"
"You thought!" raged the balrog-slayer. "I thought you were an elleth!"
"An elleth! Glorfindel, you have known me for millennia! How could you have ever thought me an elleth!? Granted, I am not so powerful a warrior as you are, but—"
"No! No! NO! I know you are not an elleth. But I thought I was meeting an elleth tonight. I didn't expect you to be out here! By the way, why are you out here?"
"A note was slipped under my door, a missive expressing sincere admiration and heartfelt affection and requesting the honor of a meeting for the purpose of dalliance."
Glorfindel snorted.
"Erestor, do speak plain elvish!"
"I am speaking plain elvish," retorted Erestor indignantly. Which word did you not understand? Was it perchance 'a'? Or was it the 'was'?"
"I know what the 'was' was," Glorfindel shot back, equally indignant, "just as clearly as I know what an 'is' is!"
"Be careful," Erestor twitted him. "If I recall correctly, you were once heard to answer one of Elrond's questions with the phrase, 'It depends upon what the meaning of the word is means'. You do recall that, don't you?"
"You of all people," said Glorfindel haughtily, "ought to know that precision of language is of great significance. Cannot you imagine a situation in which the outcome of an argument does depend upon what the meaning of is is?"
"Remarkable, Glorfindel," Erestor sneered, "that for once you would be minding your tongue with such great care. You are not usually so selective about how you employ it!"
Glorfindel turned a shocking shade of crimson, and the two, although they had been friends for millennia, might have come to blows had it not been for the fortuitous breaking of a branch in the hand of Estel, who, his curiosity having been satisfied, had been trying to creep down from the tree without attracting attention. With a yell, he plummeted through the boughs, landing squarely at the feet of the quarrelling Elves. At once they ceased their sniping, pouncing instead upon the unfortunate little human.
"Ah hah!" crowed Glorfindel, "a human in the hand is worth two in the bush!"
Erestor looked suspiciously at Glorfindel, wondering whether a pun were intended, but tried to push aside that notion, instead turning his energy toward interrogating their captive.
"What business did you have in that bush—tree!?" he exclaimed.
Now Glorfindel gave Erestor an odd look, but he likewise dismissed the matter in order to concentrate on Estel.
"Yes, that's what I want to know as well," he declared, staring hard at the boy.
"Um, well, Erestor, sometimes you take me into the garden in order to illustrate a lesson—isn't that so?" the boy said hesitantly.
"That's true," Erestor answered impatiently, "but what does that have to do with today? I set you no lesson that required your presence in that tree."
"No, you didn't, but I was here to be lessened nonetheless."
"On what subject?" demanded Glorfindel.
Estel thought before answering.
"Natural Philosophy!"
"Natural Philosophy?" said Erestor, his voice skeptical. "How so?"
"Natural Philosophy," recited Estel, somewhat desperately, "encompasses, among other subjects, the behavior of all living things—you have said so!"
"Ye-es," agreed Erestor, "that is true—from the lowliest creature to the greatest, all living beings fall under the purview of Natural History."
Encouraged, Estel went on.
"Elves are living creatures; ergo"—this was a word he had of course learned from Erestor—"ergo, the study of Elves falls under the heading of Natural History!"
"Which branch of Natural History, Estel?" asked Erestor. "When it comes to the study of living beings, one can, for example, consider respiration, circulation, digestion, elimination, locomotion, or reproduction."
"Um, I am not certain," hedged Estel. "But I am sure your lungs, hearts, legs, and stomachs are sound, else you would not be standing there looking so very, very—healthy."
"Pray tell," said Glorfindel, an ominous glint in his eye, "pray tell which Elves you were observing as part of your quest for enlightenment on the subject of Natural History."
"I was watching you and Erestor, but I didn't mean to be watching you and Erestor. I mean, I meant to be watching Glorfindel, but Erestor wasn't supposed to be here—an elleth was!"
"An elleth?" said Glorfindel.
"Yes, an elleth you are supposed to be very fond of and who is supposed to be secretly very fond of you! I can't imagine how Erestor ended up in her place—unless, unless, well—"
"Unless what?" said Erestor sharply.
"Unless a message went astray," Estel said unhappily. "It's all my fault. I was supposed to have delivered both letters, but I let someone else take one of them. You mustn't blame anyone but me!"
"Tell me, Estel," said Glorfindel, a little more gently, "was this your idea?"
"No."
"Did you compose the letters?"
"No."
"Did you deliver both letters?"
"No—but I was supposed to!"
"Yet the fact remains that you did not deliver them both. So how could this be entirely your fault?"
"Because," said Estel, shamefaced, "if I hadn't asked about man-kissing, no one would have thought this plan up in the first place."
"Man-kissing!" exclaimed Erestor. "Whatever put you in mind of man-kissing at your age!? Your voice hasn't even changed!"
"About a year ago, Glorfindel said he wouldn't want to man-kiss Gwanur, and you hushed him and said he ought not to talk about man-kissing, and, well, that made me curious, is all."
Glorfindel suppressed a smile, and even Erestor was having trouble keeping his countenance.
"Very well," said Glorfindel. "I understand perfectly now. Betake yourself to bed, and the next time you want to know about man-kissing, ask outright."
"Oh," said Estel, "I don't think I have any more questions on the subject. My view was quite unobstructed. Now I quite understand why Erestor told me to mind my tongue."
Erestor looked appalled, Glorfindel merely amused.
"Be off with you," chuckled the balrog-slayer. "Erestor and I have other fish to fry."
Estel looked a little anxious at that.
"Don't worry," Glorfindel reassured him. "You haven't named the culprits, and we shall make certain that they know that you, ah, minded your tongue, so to speak."
Still not entirely comfortable, considering the prospects of his foster brothers, Estel nonetheless did as he was bidden. As soon as he was out of sight, Glorfindel and Erestor grimly turned their steps toward the Hall.
"We shall haul them from their beds and question them," Glorfindel growled. "Their tongues will have to be facile indeed to escape the retribution that we shall visit upon them."
Eager to exact vengeance, Erestor and Glorfindel made their way toward the culprits' rooms, but as they neared their destination, Gandalf came out of his own chamber. The wizard stopped short and keenly looked them over.
"I would say that you are on a mission," he observed, "and one that does not bode well for some young Elf—or perchance two or even three young Elves."
Erestor and Glorfindel acknowledged this to be so.
"Those scamps," Glorfindel complained, "decoyed me into the garden so that Estel might observe me man-kissing."
"And I," added Erestor, "was dragged into their plot as well—ugh!"
"Perhaps," mused Gandalf, "I can advise you in this matter. Would you allow me to suggest a punishment that will assuredly be a just requital for their behavior?"
Erestor and Glorfindel looked at each other. Glorfindel shrugged.
"We will listen to what you have to say, Mithrandir. If the punishment you suggest is not severe enough, we can always decline your advice and select another means of forcing them to atone for their misdeeds."
With that, Glorfindel, Erestor, and Mithrandir repaired to the wizard's room to plot an appropriate response to the young Elves' mischievous meddling.
The next morning Elrohir groaned as he awoke. His lips felt unbearably itchy. He raised a hand to rub at them, but instead of encountering his face, his hand happened upon an object, hard and semi-conical and with a sharp point, that was fixed upon his upper lip, and a similar object attached to his lower lip. Elrohir sprang out of bed and ran to his mirror. To his horror, the face that stared back at him sported a bird's beak. He ran screaming into the hall, where he was soon joined by Elladan and Anomen, whose faces were similarly adorned with birds' beaks. The three of them pounded frantically upon Gandalf's door.
"Alright, alright," they heard him grumbling. "Half a minute."
Footsteps shuffled toward the door, and it swung open, revealing a wizard whose hair and beard were even more tousled than usual, something the Elves would not have thought possible. Shivering, the wizard hugged his robe to himself. Oddly, he did not seem at all surprised to see three bird-beaked Elves standing before him.
"Mithrandir," sobbed Elrohir, "please remove the spell. Please! We'll never plague Glorfindel again. We swear. By the Valar, we swear. And—and by the Silmaril of Eärendil. And by the star of Eärendil. And the ship of Eärendil. And the light of—"
"Whoa!" exclaimed Mithrandir, holding up his hand to stay him. "No use swearing all these oaths. I won't use my magic to remove those bird beaks—"
"Mithrandir!" wailed all three Elves at once.
"—for I didn't use my magic to put them on your faces in the first place."
Bewildered, the Elves stared at him.
"I think you will find," said the wizard calmly, "that the glue is water-soluble. I think it would have served you right if Glorfindel and Erestor had used pitch. Now, if you don't mind, I mean to return to bed and sleep in this day. Good-bye!"
With that, Mithrandir closed the door, and the Elves heard him shuffling back toward his bed.
"Water-soluble," muttered Elrohir sheepishly.
By now, thanks to the ruckus the three had made, the corridor was filled with giggling Elves, several of them ellith whom Elrohir at least had been anxious to impress. Shamefaced, the beaked trio slunk back into their rooms and laid wet cloths upon their faces, in that manner softening the glue until they could pull the horny protuberances from their lips. It was several days, however, before they succeeded in peeling every last remnant of glue from their lips, and until then their mouths itched dreadfully.
In yet other ways they were made to suffer. Elrond of course insisted on knowing the cause of the early morning disturbance, and great was his wrath when he learned the truth. Anomen, Elladan, and Elrohir were summoned forthwith to his chamber.
"You have set a poor example for Estel, you have trifled with the privacy of others, and you have attempted to visit humiliation upon those who have the greatest claim to your respect," he thundered at the young Elves as they cowered before him. "Your punishment will last two full turns of the moon, so reprehensible your behavior has been!"
Elrond paused for effect. "I am," he announced in the most awful of tones and with the severest of expressions, "I am putting you in charge of the fowls. You must feed them, clean their pens, gather their eggs, and, when called upon to do so by the cook, butcher, scald, and pluck them."
The three Elves shuddered as before them arose visions of birds' beaks, birds' beaks, an infinite number of horny bills stretching to the horizon and beyond. Forlornly, they turned to leave the chamber.
"There is one more matter that we must discuss," said Elrond sharply.
"Yes, Ada," said the young Elves meekly.
"The Head Gardener and his subalterns are the only ones permitted to fertilize the plants in the garden."
"Ada?" said Elrohir, puzzled.
Elrond sighed.
"Let me put it to you more plainly. Do not make water in the garden! You are not wolves that must mark their territories! Your—activities—have been leaving an odor most incompatible with a scene that is meant to refresh the senses. Particularly on hot days, your passage through the garden becomes painfully apparent to all and sundry!"
And the penalty?
"In addition to tending the fowls," Elrond declared sternly, "for the next two turnings of the moon you three will be in charge of emptying all the chamber pots in the Hall."
With that he dismissed the trio, and heads drooping, they retreated to the garden. However, Reader, you may be certain that they were very careful to stop at the first handy garderobe they came to.
It is said that it is the mark of a soldier that he eats whenever the opportunity arises, for he knows not when he will have another chance. Anomen, Elrohir, and Elladan developed a slightly different approach to campaigning. It is said that they never passed a garderobe without stopping therein to make use of the facilities. As Elrohir was once heard to say, "I am never again going to be caught with my pants down. And, yes," he added, glaring at Erestor, who was opening his mouth to speak, "I know, I know: that sentence is both literally and figuratively true!"
"My, my," smirked Erestor, "remarkable what passes through those lips of yours."
"No more remarkable than what once passed through your lips," Elrohir shot back.
With that, Erestor wisely decided to let the matter drop, and so, Reader, shall I.