TITLE Cats in the Cradle
AUTHOR McKay
E-MAIL BaybeeJune at aol.com, BaybeeJune on AIM
RATING PG-13 for language and bathroom humor, heck, let's call it R just to be safe.
SPOILERS None
PAIRING T/W is vaguely mentioned, a little bit of T/B for the fun of it, Spike/Clem implied
SUMMARY Clem's in need of a place to crash-along with some fuzzy friends.
DISCLAIMER I don't own Tara, Buffy, Dawn, Clem, Spike, Willow, Sunnydale, CA, or anything worth suing for. Joss Whedon, Marti Noxious, et al, do. I do own the cats, a ruthlessly overactive imagination, a juvenile sense of humor and old sneakers.
ARCHIVING/DISTRIBUTION Want it, take it, have it, just tell me where you wanna put it.
FEEDBACK Honestly, I love it, but in the case of this story, it's not meant to be great, it's not meant to be an accurate representation of these characters (in fact it's meant to make fun of them, because I really don't like them right now). So you really don't need to point out what a ridiculous parody it is. It's supposed to be. That's all I'm saying. However, opinions are definitely welcome. Flames will be posted all around the Internet with your name attached so that people can laugh at you. Then I will send out my chocobo to hunt you down maim you. Kiwano likes the feel of human flesh between his talons, don't you, boy? And we both despise flamers.
AUTHOR'S NOTES I've always wondered what would send St. Tara to the breaking point...and I do so love Clem...anyway, like I said, it's a parody. Thanks to Miss Ellie for being my sounding board and a terrible influence ;) I think I had a reason for making Buffy a raging homophobe, but this fic got lost for a year, and by the time I found it again, I'd completely forgotten. But it's still making me laugh, so what the hell, eh? Probably something to do with how self-obsessed Buffy was being when I wrote this fic, sometime in season sux...and just because she was ticking me off and, again, it made me laugh. This is supposed to be exaggerated and somewhat ridiculous.
"It's morning. And there are still kittens in my house. And now they're on the carpet." Buffy sighed. "Why are there cats in the living room now?"
"Vodka had another little accident. The explosive kind. Tara's bathing him upstairs, and Clem's mopping, but the kittens got in the way and we didn't need little icky paw prints all over the place..." Dawn shrugged. "So, kitties in the living room. Wanna hold Merlot? She's sleepy, so you have to be kinda still, but she likes it when you-"
Buffy held up her hand. "No, I don't want to hold...wait, what are their names?"
"Oh, that's Schnapps playing with the extension cord, the brown one is Kahlua and Merlot's the calico on the sofa."
"Uh...huh. Wait, aren't there more?"
"Tara's giving Vodka a bath upstairs, remember?"
"Right, the one that peed on me. And the other one?"
"That's Tequila. He followed Tara upstairs. He likes her."
"Great. That's just great." Buffy stood up. "Okay, I can't think. I need food."
"You don't wanna go in there until Clem's done. Trust me."
Buffy moaned. "Okay, then, shower."
Buffy looked at Tara patiently. "You know the big tub behind you? That has a hosey thing attached to it that sprays water, and sometimes people-"
"No, I got that part, but I'm a little busy here." Tara nodded to the handful of squirming, damp kitten she was trying vainly to hold under the sink's faucet.
"Tara, I need to shower so I can go to work-"
"Go ahead. I just need the sink." Tara concentrated on aiming the pump on the hand soap at the kitten's rear end.
"I can't shower while you're in here! It's not..."
"Honey," Tara said patiently, "there's a shower curtain, I'm not going to look, and I can't really stop in the middle of something like this."
Buffy nodded, mentally counting to ten. "Great, just...yeah. Have you seen my hair towel?" She asked, scanning the bathroom. "I left it on the rack by the tub, but now..."
"Oh, uh, you mean this one?" Tara sheepishly held up a soggy terrycloth square spotted with suds, cat hair and stuff Buffy didn't even want to think about.
"Yeah, that'd be it." Buffy ground her teeth.
"Well, I just did laundry yesterday. You can use mine-it's clean. Haven't used it yet."
"Great. Just...great." Buffy stepped outside the door and hesitantly began to strip. "Um, Tara? Could you close your eyes?"
"Not if I want to keep all my fingers. Buffy, I promise I won't look."
"So you don't want to look at me? You think I'm ugly?"
"N-no, Buffy, you're beautiful, but I don't-"
"Oh, god, Tara, I'm sorry, but I just can't-"
Tara sighed and closed her eyes briefly. "Buffy. You do realize that you left the bathroom door open and I can see you totally naked from here, right?"
"Oh my god, you are looking!"
Tara wrapped the tiny gray animal in Buffy's fluffy white towel. "Vodka's clean, and I think I should leave so you can shower without worry."
"There's shit in the sink."
"You're not planning on showering in the sink, are you?"
"Well, no-"
"Then you're fine," Tara snapped, cradling the kitten in her arms. "But not so fine that you need to hide. Have a great day in the grease mines."
Buffy watched Tara stalk off, bewildered. What'd I say?