TITLE Cats in the Cradle
AUTHOR McKay
E-MAIL BaybeeJuneaol.com, BaybeeJune on AIM
RATING PG-13 for language and bathroom humor, heck, let's call it R just to be safe.
SPOILERS None
PAIRING T/W is vaguely mentioned, a little bit of T/B for the fun of it, Spike/Clem implied
SUMMARY Clem's in need of a place to crash-along with some fuzzy friends.
DISCLAIMER I don't own Tara, Buffy, Dawn, Clem, Spike, Willow, Sunnydale, CA, or anything worth suing for. Joss Whedon, Marti Noxious, et al, do. I do own the cats, a ruthlessly overactive imagination, a juvenile sense of humor and old sneakers.
ARCHIVING/DISTRIBUTION Want it, take it, have it, just tell me where you wanna put it.
FEEDBACK Honestly, I love it, but in the case of this story, it's not meant to be great, it's not meant to be an accurate representation of these characters (in fact it's meant to make fun of them, because I really don't like them right now). So you really don't need to point out what a ridiculous parody it is. It's SUPPOSED to be. That's all I'm saying. I hope I managed to capture the characters' way of speaking while mangling their actual character, as was my intent. However, opinions are definitely welcome. Flames will be posted all around the Internet with your name attached so that people can laugh at you. Then I will send out my chocobo to hunt you down maim you. Kiwano likes the feel of human flesh between his talons, don't you, boy? And we both despise flamers.
AUTHOR'S NOTES I've always wondered what would send St. Tara to the breaking point...and I do so love Clem...anyway, like I said, it's a parody. Thanks to Miss Ellie for being my sounding board and a terrible influence ;) I think I had a reason for making Buffy a raging homophobe, but this fic got lost for a year, and by the time I found it again, I'd completely forgotten. But it's still making me laugh, so what the hell, eh? Probably something to do with how self-obsessed Buffy was being when I wrote this fic...and just because she was ticking me off and, again, this made me laugh. This is supposed to be exaggerated and somewhat ridiculous. This part is more like two chapters, but they're awfully short, so I just stuck 'em together.
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"Buffy! Buffy, I'm gonna kill you!"
Tara clamped her pillow over her head and stifled a groan. Not even a break on the weekends.
"TARA! TARATARATARA!"
Tara groaned. "Whaaat?"
"She killed the cats!" Dawn shrieked, her face full of righteous fury under her shiny, shiny hair.
"I did not! She's gone insane, Tara, don't listen to her!"
"Oh, for crying out loud..." Tara sighed and swung her legs over the side of the bed, narrowly missing a puddle that had probably soaked through the newspaper by now. She stumbled on a passing ball of fur that squealed and licked haughtily at its injured paw. "Sorry, kitty." She mumbled, rubbing her eyes as she staggered to the stairs. "What's going on now? I was sleeping."
"Merlot and Kahlua are gone! Buffy drowned them! She threw them in the river in a gunnysack and weighed it down with rocks!" Dawn wailed.
"I didn't touch those stupid animals! I've been out all night patrolling! It's barely sunrise now-"
"Yes, I know," Tara grumbled.
"And I don't even know what the hell a gunnysack is!" Buffy finished, glowering at Dawn.
"Well, they're gone and you wanted them dead! You said so!"
"I wasn't going to actually do it!"
"Tara, she-"
"Tara, I-"
"Stop it! Dawn, go look for the kittens. Did you check the basement?"
"Yeah."
"Look again. Buffy...take a shower and go to bed. You two have to stop fighting. These cats are just a temporary arrangement and pee stains are not forever! I am going back to bed. If it's absolutely necessary to discuss this with an adult present, come and get me there, without screaming across the house for me. And be prepared to discuss it there because I am tired. I was up half the night trying to finish a paper for Monday so I could spend the rest of the weekend sleeping. I didn't finish the paper because of all the drama, so I have to do that today, and I would like to finish the paper without falling asleep doing it, drooling on it, and having one of the cats come over and pee on it! Now, I am going back to bed. Does anyone have anything that must be said right now? This is your last chance." Tara folded her arms across her chest and waited.
Dawn shoved Buffy. "Now look, you made her mad!"
"I didn't! You're the one-"
"Shut up! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPPPPPPPP!" Tara clapped her hands over her ears and managed an impressive sprint back to her bedroom despite being nearly asleep on her feet, kittens prancing around her feet. Dawn kicked Buffy in the ankle.
"See?"
"Shut up, bitch."
"You shut up, bitch." They stalked off to opposite corners of the house to sulk.
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"Ta-raaaa!"Tara nearly burst into tears. Just let me sleep! Please! Dawn came banging into her room. "I looked everywhere and the cats are gone! She killed them!"
"Dawnie, are you sure they didn't just get out when we weren't watching them carefully enough?"
"Well..."
"Tara!" Buffy came tearing in. "Clem left a note! He took the kittens! See?!"
Tara groggily reached for the sheet of paper.
"Dear Buffy, Tara and Dawn,
Hi! I found a really cute demon couple who are looking to adopt their first cats. Richard works at a karaoke bar, which was where he met Melvin, but that's a long story. Melvin stars in a terrific drag floor show a few times a week at the transsexual-oriented bar downtown, Susan Be Anthony. You really should come sometime. I tend bar there four nights a week and on Saturday nights-just tell them Clem sent you. No cover! Anyway, you'd love them. They said if you want to visit them, Dawn, you're welcome, just call. They fell in love with Merlot right away-they so wanted a little girl!-and since I couldn't separate her and Kahlua, I didn't need to bring them by to meet the others. Buffy should be happy with this! I'll be by later with some more food and litter.
Muchas Smoochas,
Clem xoxoxo"
"Well, that's just great," Tara yawned. "Buffy, did you shower yet?"
Buffy gestured to the bathrobe wrapped around her body and the towel in her hair.
"Oh, yeah, right. Um, well, maybe you should get some sleep? And Dawnie...uh, I think the kittens need some attention or something."
"Tara!" Buffy whined, "She said I killed the kittens! And I didn't."
Dawn stared at the floor guiltily. "I'm sorry, Buffy. But you did say..."
"It's okay, Dawnie," Tara interrupted. "We know you were just concerned, right Buffy?"
"I guess," Buffy muttered.
"So you can take a nap now?" Tara asked hopefully.
"Why are you obsessed with my sleep habits? Do you, like, get off on watching me sleep or something? God, Tara, that's sick."
"Hey, you leave her alone!" Dawn said angrily.
"Don't defend her, Dawn. Oh my god...she's gotten to you, hasn't she? She's turning you into one of them! I thought you two seemed awfully snuggly the other day-"
"We fell asleep, waiting up for you might I add-" Tara began.
"Christ, Tara, you molested my sister in her sleep? Is that how she caught it? Is that why you've gone gay, Dawnie? Don't worry, we can fix it...let me call Xander...uh, just wait here and don't mo...on second thought, come with me-"
"Buffy!" Tara sat up, exasperated. "I've never laid a hand on Dawn. No offense, Dawnie, but you're not my type."
"Hey!" Dawn glared.
"And what about me? You were staring at me when I showered!"
"Wait, you were ogling her rack but not mine? Mine are bigger!" Dawn looked highly insulted.
"Fatty," Buffy muttered.
"I was not looking at you!" Tara hollered, thoroughly exasperated. "And what if I was? So what? You should be flattered that someone in committed relationship dares to steal a glance-"
"So you were looking." Buffy smirked triumphantly.
Tara sighed and rolled her eyes. "Yes, Buffy. I was looking. You are just sooo sexy with your flat little butt, prominent clavicle and concave tummy. Just how I like my girls." Tara's voice slowly rose from bored to sultry. "In fact, I just can't stop thinking about you alllllll day, in your Doublemeat uniform, showering the demon guts from your impossibly blonde hair...it makes my heart beat just a little bit faster." Tara batted her eyelashes and smiled sweetly.
Buffy blinked, looking the tiniest bit pale. Dawn looked baffled and slightly amused.
"Tara, I...I..."
Tara grinned to herself, silently glad that she was wearing her pajama top unbuttoned against the persistent muggy weather. She leaned forward slightly so that Buffy got a clear, unobstructed view of her breasts. Buffy stared openly, her mouth slightly open. "It's okay, Buffy," she purred, "you can look." She moved closer to the gaping Slayer, still smiling. "You can touch them if you like."
"I...I...I think I need to lie down." Buffy turned on her heel and ran.
Tara let loose with a fit of giggles and lay back on the bed, sighing happily.
"Were you really going to let her..?" Dawn asked with a chuckle.
"I figured it wouldn't come to that." Tara closed her eyes and yawned, snuggling back into her bed. Tequila clambered up the bedskirt and cuddled against her throat, purring. "Hey, fuzzy." Tara patted him. Finally, sleep enveloped her.