TITLE Cats in the Cradle
AUTHOR McKay
E-MAIL BaybeeJuneataol.com, BaybeeJune on AIM
RATING PG-13 for language and bathroom humor, heck, let's call it R just to be safe.
SPOILERS None
PAIRING T/W is vaguely mentioned, a little bit of T/B for the fun of it, Spike/Clem implied
SUMMARY Clem's in need of a place to crash-along with some fuzzy friends.
DISCLAIMER I don't own Tara, Buffy, Dawn, Clem, Spike, Willow, Sunnydale, CA, or anything worth suing for. Joss Whedon, Marti Noxious, et al, do. I do own the cats, a ruthlessly overactive imagination, a juvenile sense of humor and old sneakers.
ARCHIVING/DISTRIBUTION Want it, take it, have it, just tell me where you wanna put it.
FEEDBACK Honestly, I love it, but in the case of this story, it's not meant to be great, it's not meant to be an accurate representation of these characters (in fact it's meant to make fun of them, because I really don't like them right now). So you really don't need to point out what a ridiculous parody it is. It's SUPPOSED to be. That's all I'm saying. However, opinions are definitely welcome. Flames will be posted all around the Internet with your name attached so that people can laugh at you. Then I will send out my chocobo to hunt you down maim you. Kiwano likes the feel of human flesh between his talons, don't you, boy? And we both despise flamers.
AUTHOR'S NOTES I've always wondered what would send St. Tara to the breaking point...and I do so love Clem...anyway, like I said, it's a parody. Thanks to Miss Ellie for being my sounding board and a terrible influence ;) I think I had a reason for making Buffy a raging homophobe, but this fic got lost for a year, and by the time I found it again, I'd completely forgotten. But it's still making me laugh, so what the hell, eh? Probably something to do with how self-obsessed Buffy was being when I wrote this fic...and just because she was ticking me off and, again, this made me laugh. This is supposed to be exaggerated and somewhat ridiculous. Hopefully I captured the characters' mannerisms while destroying their actual character, or what remained of it after Tabula Rasa,the last good episode in Buffy history...after which they all went to hell. Oh, and I think the entire cast is/was far skinnier than necessary, even by Hollywood's standards, by the end of the run.

This chapter is really short, but I think it stands best on its own.

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Tara was having a wonderful dream. She was lying on the beach at night under a gloriously full moon, having a blissful heavy petting session with that witch from The Craft who reminded her of her beloved Willow, when she found herself waking up despite her best efforts. Oh damn, damn, come on, you can stay asleep, come on... But her eyelids fluttered open despite herself and she gasped, jerking back and nearly rolling off the bed.

"Sweet Mother Gaea on a pogo stick!" Buffy, in her untied bathrobe, was lying in bed beside her. "Buffy, what..?!"

Buffy fidgeted with the hem of her robe. "Well, see, the thing is, I thought you were being really, really creepy, actually, and I got into bed and started thinking about it, and Dawn came in and we talked and she helped me see that I was the one being narrow-minded and offensive and bitchy, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was upset was because I felt bad for wanting it...I thought it was dirty and wrong and scary and it's not, it's...it's warm and gentle and beautiful, something I've never really had, and...I thought, why not? I love you, Tara, and I trust you."

Tara didn't know whether to laugh, cry, scream, go kill Dawn, remain where she was and kill Buffy, or go back to sleep. "Oh, Buffy..." She sighed. "I didn't mean...I think you're beautiful, and I love you. But I didn't really mean...I'm committed to Willow."

Buffy looked hurt and more than slightly embarrassed. Tara caught her wrist before she could leave. "I wish I could give it to you, Buffy, I do. You deserve to be loved like that. But I can't..."

"You think I'm fat, don't you." Buffy said dejectedly.

"No! Buffy, no."

"I just want to not be a slampiece for once, you know? Angel, Riley, Sp-er, Parker...I was tits with a collection of orifices attached. Women...they aren't like that."

Tara smiled gently. "Some are, I'm afraid."

"But you're not."

"No, I'm not," Tara agreed. "But...I'm not going to sleep with you, Buffy."

"You didn't really try to seduce Dawn, did you?"

Tara counted to ten, then twenty, reminding herself to breathe.

"No."

"You really don't think I'm fat?"

"If you were any thinner, you could stake vampires with your elbows," Tara assured her.

"Aw, really? Thanks, Tara, you're so sweet." Buffy skipped off and Tara closed her eyes again. "Oh, Tara?"

What now?! "Uh?"

"We're going to the club where Clem works tonight. Clem called us. He said it's amateur night tonight, and Dawn really wants to go. You wanna come with?"

"The drag club?"

"That's the one."

"What's the dress?" Tara yawned.

"Casual, as far as I know."

"Sure." Tara shrugged one shoulder. Why not?