The Fellowship of the Ring opens in the Shire, which most experts agree represents, of course, Canada. The peaceful hobbits were happy farming their little crops until, out of the blue, that crazy old bloke Bilbo Baggins (who was based off a character from a Leonard Nimoy song) decided to have a birthday party that an equally crazy Wizard named Gandalf decided to attend. There, Bilbo put on the Ring, which he was never supposed to do because if he did The Terrorists Have Already Won. Gandalf, of course, beat the poor fool senseless and gave the Ring to his son, Frodo. Bilbo was exiled to Rivendell, where he spent the rest of his life.
Now, Frodo kept the Ring for a little while, then Gandalf returned to tell him the Ring was Evil, and he demonstrated this by throwing it in the fire. Gandalf explained to Frodo all about the War of the Last Alliance and its battles and its important people like Sauron, Gil-galad, Elendil, Narsil, and Isildur. ("There will be a test on this," said Gandalf.) Frodo was told to flee from the Shire to Bree because Sauron was looking for the Ring. He took three companions with him, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, whose real names were Samwise, Murdock, and Penguin. The four traveled on their long, arduous quest fraught with peril and ever-present danger, until they stood in Mordor at the base of Mount Doom, and Frodo said "Wait a minute, Sam. I do believe I left the Ring at home." And they had to go all the way back.
This time carrying the Ring, the hobbits, in the book, met some Elves and a... thing... named Tom Bombadil. Tom is unaffected by the Ring, so of course becomes the new Ringbearer, free of its temptations and dangers. Yeah, and maybe fast food is really food. Tom, apparent not caring whether Middle-Earth is decimated, stays put in his little forest the whole book.
Finally, they get to Bree, where they meet Strider/Aragorn/Estel/Telecontar/Elfstone/Elessar/Viggo/Dunedain/Thorongil/Envinvatar/Dúnadan/Skippy. He tells them everyone has to flee, because Ringwraiths, which are actually fanboys in black cloaks, are after the Ring, which they want so they can spy on Arwen. Naturally, Aragorn wants to prevent this so he starts leading the four hobbits to Rivendell.
Meanwhile, Gandalf has problems of his own. He went to seek help from the head of the Wizards, Saurman the White. However, when Gandalf begins talking about the Ring, he learns he has been betrayed. Saruman betrayed the Order of Wizards, joining with Sauron. When the Dark Lord found out, via Seeing Stone, Saurman could play a mean bass guitar, he offered him a spot in his band the Orodruin Five, consisting of Sauron (lead guitar), the Witch-King (rhythm guitar), Shelob (drums), and Tom Bombadil (vocals). (This is, of course, the book version. In the movie, Saurman's instrument was inexplicably changed to tambourine.) An angry Gandalf the Grey attacks Saruman, who is forced, in self-defense, to lock him on the roof.
Back to Strider/Aragorn/ect. and the Hobbits, they find themselves being attacked by Ringwraiths as a result of something stupid done by Merry and Pippin. (Tip: Merry and Pippin are always doing stupid things. If one of them does something smart, like program a VCR to show the right time, reviewers will notice they are out of character and feed you to wolves.) Fortunately, Aragorn is able to beat them back by taking a Silmaril out of his pocket and beating them with it.
In the confusion, Frodo is somehow stabbed by a Ringwraith, and Aragorn is worried about him because tetanus shots haven't been invented yet. He takes him toward Rivendell, where they meet... Glorfindel! Not Arwen, Glorfindel! Even mentioning Glorfindel proves you read the books and gives you canon points, and you get more each time you mention him. Glorfindel, Glorfindel, Glorfindel. Well, Glorfindel throws Aragorn on the back of horse to escape from the Ringwraiths, crying out "Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!" (Which means, in Elvish, "Hi ho, Silver, away!") Which the Ringwraiths begin to catch up, he kills them with CGI effects.
When Frodo awakens in Rivendell, he is greeted by L. Rond, who founded Scientology back in the Second Age. There, he meets many important boring people who tell him important boring legends. He also reunites with Gandalf, who explained how he escaped from Saurman's tower: "a Wizard did it."
Representatives from Middle-Earth all meet in Rivendell to decide what to do about the Ring. The representatives, of course, vote themselves a pay raise and go on an all-expense-paid vacation to Valinor, leaving only Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, the hobbits, Gandalf, and Mary Sue to take the Ring to be destroyed. (Mary Sue was fed to wolves by Elrond, mumbling something about her messing up the symbolism.)
Before the Fellowship leaves, Frodo's uncle Bilbo has some a couple of gifts for him. One is a mithril coat, which was Bilbo earlier stole from an honest, hardworking dragon, and the other a short sword called Sting that Bilbo stole from honest, hardworking trolls. Having unloaded his hot goods, Biblo flees the country.
The group originally headed south on a direct, non-deadly route. However, Gandalf spotted a flock of birds in this sky. Him being the delusional old Wizard he is, possibly due to the effects of "pipe weed" (remember kids, winners don't do drugs), Gandalf believes they are the spies of Saruman and forces the Fellowship to take a detour through the gap of Rohan.
Or they would go through, if not for the efforts of the Enemy. Saruman plugs in his amp and starts rocking out to A Elbereth Gilthoniel (literally, "Stairway to Heaven") and the powerful bass notes cause massive avalanches. Rather than go onward and get cold, Gandalf suggests they go through Moria where the Balrog is.
The Nine Companions arrive at the doors of Moria, where a riddle is inscribed over the doors. It is a very clever riddle, but Frodo figures out you open the door by saying the name of the favorite fruit of the builder of the door: "melon."
Inside the mines of Moria, the Fellowship walks around and sees dead dwarves, until Pippin does something stupid and orcs and trolls attack them. Of course, these are quickly defeated, but then the Balrog shows up. The Balrog chases them, until the resident delusional Wizard gets the idea he can defeat it. For some reason, he is able to knock the Balrog into a bottomless pit, but trips and falls in after it. All the Fellowship are secretly relieved.
The Fellowship trudges onward, making their way to Lothlórien. There, they meet Galadriel and her husband, Glorfindel. There Galadriel says a whole bunch of cryptic stuff to Frodo that doesn't make any sense at the time, but later on Frodo discovers that Galadriel was "drunk as a dwarf" at the time. Unaware of this fact, Frodo offers her the Ring. She starts to take it, then gets all scary and says even more cryptic nonsense. The intoxicated Elf then gives the hobbit the Phial of Eärendil, which is basically a bottle of light. No, I don't know what good it is either. I'm a writer, not a mind-reader.
As they go onward, Boromir decides to take the Ring from Frodo. This fails, and a battle ensues because of his stupidity. This makes Merry and Pippin fell better because for once it isn't their fault. However, the battle ends with Boromir dead, Merry and Pippin captured, and Frodo and Sam going to Mordor on their own.
Discussion Questions
1. Can you create an original character more out of place than Tom Bombadil? (Hint: No.)
2. Was the riddle on the door dumb or what?
3. Do you know all of Aragorn's names? If so, why?