Return of the King opens with a cool scene left out of the movie. Gandalf the White goes to Isengard to find Saruman the White hiding in his tower from the vengeful fury of the trees. Gandalf, noticing there are now a surplus of "the Whites" in the Istari, he kicks Saruman out of the Order of Wizards. He does this by breaking his staff, taking away his secret decoder pen, and calling him a girl.
Meanwhile, up in Rohan, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas set off on the Path of the Dead. Éowyn wanted to go, insisting that she could help him. ("Help," in this instance, probably means "have intimate relation with".) However, Aragorn told her to stay behind, because the Dead Men would be really desperate after not seeing a woman for 3,000 years. The Dead Men were Men whose leader took an oath to help Isildur, but backed out at the last minute in the first occurrence of the famed "Bay of Pigs" strategy. As a result, they were cursed to never know restful peace. Aragorn braves the path and offers the dead rest if they fight for him. They agree, and are released from his service after non-important battle somewhere between Rohan and Gondor.
Pippin was taken from Isengard to Minas Tirith by Gandalf. There, he meets the Steward of Gondor, Lord Denethor. This old man seems nice for a while, but it turns out he is unwilling to yield the throne to Aragorn. Ultimately, he gets really, really drunk to cope with the thought of Aragorn becoming king, spills alcohol over himself, and says his last words "hey y'all, watch this," before striking a match and catching flames faster than a fanfic about a half-elf, half-goddess princess that marries both Legolas and Aragorn. With the Steward dead, Oliver Cromwell takes the throne and the Puritans take control of the government.
Wait, sorry, that's part of the summary of British history. What happened was that Faramir, son of Denethor, refused to take the throne when the real king, Aragorn, was going to return. Indeed he does, going south with the Riders of Rohan. However, Sauron strikes hard at the White City. He sends not only legions of orcs, trolls, and people who make popup ads, but also his allies the Easterlings (who worship bunnies and eggs) and the Haradrim, also called Men of the South.
(Analysis: Common consensus among Tolkien fans is that the Haradrim represent Republicans. The main clue is their use of mûmakil, which are really just oliphaunts, the symbol of the Republican party. The other giveaway is that they decide to attack another country for no reason. On the flip side, the Democrats are represented by the people of Bree, who seem nice but in the long run are useless.)
Two of our old friends show up during the battle: Merry and Éowyn. Éowyn, who apparently is into crossdressing, runs into the Witch-King. She fights him valiantly, allowing Merry, whose brain cells suddenly started to work, to stab and destroy the Ringwraith. The battle finally ends in victory for Gondor. However, afterward, Aragorn becomes delusional due to prolonged Arwen deprivation and orders all armies to attack the Black Gate of Mordor. At the Black Gate, Aragorn challenges Sauron to battle. However, a strange being called Mouth of Sauron, whose name will surely lead to bad slash fics, appears and takes up the challenge.
Now, back to Sam and Frodo. Sam, the current Ringbearer, sees Frodo, who may or may not be dead, being taken by orcs to Minas Morgul. Sam goes in alone to rescue him, and succeeds because the orcs begin to fight among themselves over whether Balrogs have wings. He rescues Frodo, and the two proceed towards Mount Doom.
Finally, the two reach the Orodruin and the Cracks of Doom. Frodo moves to throw the Ring into the crack, but he is unable to. The Ring's power over him is too great, and he puts the Ring on, alerting all Mordor to his presence. Someone Frodo knew from before that had a special relationship with the Ring appears: Tom Bombadil.
No, seriously, it was Gollum. He attacks Frodo and bites off his finger and the Ring. In his happiness over getting the Precious back, he begins to Riverdance. The rapid foot movement causes the ledge Gollum was standing on to crack, and he falls to his death, taking the Ring with him.
With the Ring destroyed, everything is saved. All the good guys (minus Théoden, who is dead) gather to see Aragorn being coronated King of Gondor and his wife Glorf... er, Arwen, becoming queen.
This part here wasn't in the movie, so pay attention. The hobbits return to the Shire to find it's all being ruled by some guy named Sharkey, who turns out to be none other than The Saruman Formerly Known as White. Fortunately for Frodo, a drunken hobbit stumbles by The Saruman Formerly Known as White blabbering about trees walking, and in fear the ex-Wizard repents and becomes a monk.
Years later, Frodo has grown old. When the last of the Elves set sail into the West, toward Númenor, he and Bilbo go with them, and thus ends the Tale of the Lord of the Rings.
Discussion Questions
1. Would you dress up like a man to save your people? If you are male and said no, explain.
2. What is Mouth of Sauron's real name? (Hint: Sue)
3. Did you know the letters in Bilbo Baggins can be rearranged to spell "Gag Lois Bobbin" ?
Author's Notes: Thank you for reading my little babbling. In case you haven't guessed, none of this is meant to be taken seriously. If I somehow helped you write better fanfiction, I sincerely apologize. I wrote this "story" based heavily on the style of the great humor writer Dave Barry, whose stuff you should all read. Leave a review if you like.