Title: Where Would We Be?
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167yahoo.ca
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don not own anything QAF related.
Spoilers: Ties into the Fourth Season
Summary: Why exactly is Brian with Justin? Brian P.O.V.
Completed: July 5, 2004
Lighting up, thoughts take me over like the haze of smoke entering my lungs, but not nearly as pleasurable. The same wondering that I can never help dwelling on, especially now, after all this. Where would we be? Would I even be here, right now, sitting alone on the floor hiding behind my non-existent couch like a child? How would things be different if Mikey had never settled with the wonderful Dr. Dave or fell into a family with Professor Ben?
Inhaling- I can't help thinking, knowing, it's the reason I'm here, with Justin, using words like 'boyfriend' and 'partner' at all, instead of wrapped in dancing bodies with nameless tricks or god help me, cuddling with one raven haired man specifically.
Exhale, I know it's because of Mikey. For my Mikey really.
The light drug haze billowing around me made my thoughts heavy. Far more mellow dramatic than I like. More Pathetic-Mikey than me. But lately the buzz has just been bringing me down. Blame it on all the fucked up shit this year. My mind tends to wander now…shedding light on the things that I would much rather have stay in the dark, where I don't have to admit to them. But everything that I've been ignoring has come will full force to the front.
If I hadn't watched him slip away from me into serious relationships with the fucking 'boyfriends' I never would have fallen into THIS with Justin. If the fabulous doctor hadn't put images of happily ever after into Michael's head he would still be here with me. I wouldn't be smoking this lousy pot here by myself. I'd be sharing it with my best friend before flying over to Babylon – like before. But then, that wasn't good enough anymore, I wasn't enough…could never get close enough…
Inhale… but the dear doctor was a dud, I always knew he wouldn't be around long, bringing Mikey back to me. Everything was status quo again, and boyfriend was the farthest thing from my mouth. We were back together, the way we should be. The Dynamic Duo, even if I was still pissed at him for leaving me for that quack in the first place. But I got over it, and we were back…until the professor appeared.
Exhale. Ben. Professor Ben Bruckner. As if he was the first to accept Michael's comic-book obsession. I had been reading at his side for years before, encouraged him to keep going. But it's the professor who gets a permanent address with Mikey. The bastard threatens to leave him and instead gets to share his bed. The he has the nerve to threaten everything by injecting himself with that shit. He could have gone ahead and killed himself for all I cared, but he almost took Michael down with him. Slow drag. I never liked that guy and now I have the scar to remind myself of it. Not that I could ever forget…and a scar to remind me what I wasn't…
Puffs of smoke. I still can't believe he gave him a family, forced him into a family really. But Mikey makes a great parent; he's been raising me for Christ's sake. Anyone would be lucky to find themselves in his care, damned lucky. I've been damned lucky for all this time, but never exactly ready.
He only had to leave me once more for me to finally get it. He goes running away with Hunter to save him, to save his relationship and I realised, giving him my car to runaway with, that I needed to change. I had to prove that the Liberty Avenue King could do this. And for that reason Justin became my partner, my boyfriend, my other.
Inhale slow and long. I just had to change or risk losing him forever. I had to see if I could do this…make this work.
But where would we be if Mikey never went committed with Dr. Dave and Ben the wonder stud? Still dancing at Babylon, just us? Or lost in so many tricks we could never find each other? Or are we lost now, with our trial boyfriends, that we don't know where we really belong? Does he think after all, this we are where we should be?
I'm not one for signs, but I think we could both use one…like where the fuck will we end up?
A knock sounded off the loft door.
"Coming!" Brian grumbled, both annoyed and welcoming the distraction from his thoughts. He ground out the remaining joint barely still breathing between his fingers, and pulled himself to his feet.
As he padded, barefoot across the wooden floor, he wonder if his answer, his fate really, lay on the other side of the sliding door.
End