You Still Have All of Me

Part 1

By: Silverstar

Hi everyone. I just started writing this fic one day after listening to the Evanescence CD. It takes place after Leo leaves to become an Elder, but in this version he didn't do anything to Piper's memory. I hope you all enjoy

And while you're at it, please go read my other fic Angel. It's a short Piper/Leo fic dealing with the death of Prue. It's only one chapter though, so I only got two reviews on it when I first uploaded it. Please go and see how you like it. Thanks.

Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed.

~~~~~

I woke with a start, panting heavily to myself as I breathed in as much air as possible. Sweat was pouring down my forehead as my eyes popped open and I looked around my room in a hurry. That's right...I was in my room...my bed...my home. Sighing to myself, I starred at the ceiling for a moment, attempting to anchor myself into the real world...It was dark and the only light in the room was coming from the moon shining through my bedroom window. Glancing over, I grimaced at the cold and empty place next to me. Of course...I was back...and he was gone. He was gone for good and there was nothing I could do or say to change that fact. I laid there for a few minutes, catching my breath and trying to recall my dream. I couldn't remember what had happened...but my body shook with fear and anguish. I strong sense of loneliness and worthlessness also washed over me as an after effect of the nightmare. Shivering as these feelings went through me, I wiped the sweat away from my brow with my right arm and sat up. I wasn't going to get back to sleep any time soon. The clock read 2 AM, but that didn't matter. Time had no relevance to me these days...everything just blurred together. I slipped out of bed quietly, placing my cold and bare feet on the icy cold ground ahead of me. The sharp iciness revealed to me that this was real...not a dream. It also gave me something else to concentrate on then what was going on in my head.

"Cold," I whispered to myself as I shivered, my arms wrapped around myself, and I slowly walked towards the other side of my room. There laid Wyatt...He was sleeping peacefully in his crib, snuggled down in his cozy blue blanket. He was so adorable...no matter how terrible I felt, the sight of my little boy always made me feel a little better. He reminded me of what I had...but also, of what could be: The future. His innocence and curiosity made me smile while his laugh and steady gaze made me forget about everything around me but him. My little boy...I smiled at Wyatt as he turned slightly in his sleep and watched his even breathing.

"How come you always have a calming effect on me, huh Wyatt?" I whispered to him as I carefully picked him up with his blanket around him and held him close, rocking him gently. He immediately shifted into a position where he was snuggled closely right next to my body. He cooed softly in his sleep as I rocked him in rhythm with my steps and headed over towards my bed. Looking down at it, I stopped suddenly and took a deep breath. No...I couldn't go back there...back where my husband no longer laid...back where my dreams would attack me again. I came to my senses as Wyatt started shifting, fussing unconsciously in protest of his mother stopping. I immediately began walking again, but this time in the opposite direction of my bed...of our bed...the place where Wyatt first came into existence...the sweet innocent being I was holding in my arms. He settled down at my motion, and I walked him slowly out into the hallway and down the staircase. This was the fourth night this week (it being Friday morning) that I had retreated downstairs, not able to stay in the room that I had once shared with Him. Humming lightly at Wyatt, I settled down onto the couch, snuggling him into my arms for warmth and watching him sleep. I could sit there and watch him sleep forever...his whole essence captivated me and I loved him even more for it.

"I love you Wyatt," I whispered down at him as I kissed his head gently and then fell into a light, yet slightly peaceful sleep.

~~~~~

"Piper...Piper..."

"Leo...?" I whispered, opening my groggy eyes and staring up with expectation. I sighed to myself when what I saw wasn't my husband. "No honey, it's me," Paige said softly. She was bending over me with her hand on my shoulder, and as I woke up she crouched down next to the couch.

"Oh, Hi," I said, disappointment and confusion evident in my features as I sat up, being careful not to move too suddenly so I wouldn't wake Wyatt.

"Here, let me take him upstairs," Paige said, holding her hands out for him, but I shook my head and held him closer.

"No, I'll take him," I said, and I smiled at Paige as she helped me to my feet and I headed upstairs. Walking into my room, I hummed down at Wyatt as I gently set him in his crib and tucked his blanket around him. The clock read 8:30 AM. I sighed to myself as I walked over to make my large and empty bed. "So...another day starts," I said to myself as I pulled all of the sheets up.

"Yeah...it does." Jumping at the sound of a voice, I turned around to see Paige standing in the doorway to my room.

"Oh, Paige, you surprised me," I said, trying to explain my sudden movement.

"And you surprised me too," Paige said softly. I looked at her, perplexed for a moment.

"You mean...how I was downstairs..." I said slowly, and she nodded as she walked into my room and sat down on the edge of my freshly made bed. "Oh, it's nothing Paige. I just couldn't sleep, that's all."

"Couldn't sleep..." Paige repeated to herself, and I nodded.

"Please, don't make a big deal out of it," I insisted, grabbing her hands with mine and pulling her up.

"Piper...I'm just concerned..." Paige said, smiling gently at me, and I smiled back.

"I know...I know..." I replied as a feeling of sorrow and grief came over me...Paige saw my expression, but in a flash the feelings had passed and I shook my head, smiling up at her in her heels. "So, where are you off to today?" I asked, trying to change the subject as I walked over to rummage through my closet.

"Oh...Uh, just another temp job," she replied and I nodded.

"Good luck with that. Hey, I'll be down in a minute to make you breakfast," I said as I pulled out a pair of jeans and a blouse from my closet.

"No, it's okay Piper. They want me there early today to learn all the rules and whatnot. I'll be home later today."

"Oh...okay, have a good day," I told her, turning to face my littlest sister and giving her the biggest smile I could muster.

"Piper..." I jumped in surprise to find Paige's arms around me a second later as she pulled me into a hug.

"Paige..." I whispered, shocked and touched at the same time.

"You know that Phoebe and I love you very much, right?" Paige asked, and I smiled gently as I lifted my arms and placed the lightly on her back.

"Oh course. I love you guys too," I replied, and a moment later Paige had pulled away.

"Good. Then...I'll see you later tonight?" I nodded at my sister as she smiled at me and then she was out the door, gone. Not knowing what to make of her strange behavior, I grabbed my clothes and the baby monitor as I headed for the shower.

Upon hearing Wyatt start to fuss, I ended my hot shower quickly and got dressed as I brushed my teeth and combed out my hair. Five minutes later I was rushing to his side.

"Oh you little faker," I said, picking up my now quiet and wide-eyed boy. "You just wanted me to rush in here, didn't you?" Wyatt giggled in response, and I smiled, twirling him around in a circle so he laughed. "Come on, sit here patiently while I dry my hair, okay?" Setting Wyatt down, I gave him a kiss on the head and walked into the bathroom to dry my hair. Ten minutes later I walked into the room to see that he'd pulled himself up with the crib bars so that he was standing, waiting there for me. "Okay, okay, I'm here," I said, picking up my boy and taking him to his changing table. After changing his diaper I dressed him in the cute little jean overalls that Phoebe had bought for him and combed his light hair. The whole time his bright observing eyes were staring up at me, just watching. "Who are you looking at?" I joked, tickling him under the chin, and he smiled in response. "Come on, let's go downstairs." Picking up my boy, I walked out of our room and down the stairs. Upon entering the kitchen I found Phoebe already sitting at the table, drinking some coffee and jotting down some notes for her column in a notepad.

"Good morning," she said, looking up as I entered and giving me a smile.

"Good morning," I replied, setting Wyatt down in his high chair and walking over to the refrigerator to get his baby food out. Fumbling with the lid, I twisted as hard as I could to open the jar of apple-flavored baby food. But...upon seeing the jar in my hand I was overcome with a wave of anxiety and panic.

"Here...let me help," Phoebe said gently, and I looked up to see that she was standing next to me. She reached out to take the jar from my hands and opened it for me, setting it down on the counter. "Piper...Your hands are shaking!" she said with worry, and I looked down to see that indeed they were.

"Oh..." was all I said before Phoebe ushered me over to the table and sat me down.

"Piper...just sit here for a moment while I feed Wyatt, okay?" she told me, and I just nodded as I watched her feed my son. While Phoebe tended to Wyatt, I looked down at my hands, which were still shaking. I felt the fear and anxiety that had welled up inside of me...but what had triggered those feelings? I didn't know, but I felt them consuming me, just as the flash of sorrow and grief had hit me earlier. Taking some deep breaths, I watched my shaking hands for a few minutes before they slowed, and eventually ceased to shake. The wave of anxiety and panic had washed over me, and was now gone. I felt regular again...At least, as regular as I ever felt. "Piper..." Looking up, I saw Phoebe standing in front of me. She had finished with Wyatt and he was now in his playpen in the sunroom. I hadn't even noticed...

"Oh, sorry Phoebe," I finally said, when I realized she was waiting for me to speak. "Sometimes I just..." Shaking my head, I stood up, trying to come to my senses. What was happening to me...

"Piper...Come here," Phoebe said, taking my hand and leading me into the living room and over to the couch. I sat down with a sigh, remembering my long night on the same very couch. "Piper...Are you all right? What's going on with you?" Phoebe asked, and I looked over at her with an attempted smile.

"What's with you and Paige asking me that?" I replied, taking Phoebe's hands with mine. "I'm fine. I...I sometimes just have rough times...but that's normal. Don't worry about me Phoebe. Trust me...You don't have to. Okay?" I squeezed Phoebe's hands gently and smiled over at her, receiving a smile in return.

"Okay, if you say so," Phoebe said, her voice still sounding wary. "I have to get to work, but I'm coming home on my lunch break, okay?" I nodded at my sister and received her kiss before she got up and headed into the kitchen to retrieve her laptop and papers. "I'll see you at lunch!" she called as she grabbed her jacket and purse and headed out the door. Sighing to myself, I got up and walked into the sunroom. Wyatt was in his playpen, sitting with his back to the bars and holding a dinosaur animal in his hand.

"Poor thing," I said to myself, referring to the dinosaur that Wyatt was banging repeatedly on the ground. Shaking my head, I gave Wyatt a kiss and walked into the kitchen to pour myself some coffee. For some reason, my nerves were always on edge lately. Grabbing myself a mug, I poured some coffee for my self and added milk and sugar. Then, grabbing the paper, I brought my coffee into the sunroom and sat at the table. Drinking the soothing hot liquid while reading the paper, I kept an eye on Wyatt. He played quietly for an hour while I finished up the paper...but I found myself having a hard time concentrating on the columns that I usually read. My mind kept wandering...wandering...wandering to nothing in particular...nothing focused...nothing important...but wandering. When Wyatt started fussing I put the paper down and picked him up as I walked into the kitchen to rinse out my mug and put it in the dishwasher.

"Okay honey, it's all right," I cooed to Wyatt as I rocked him around the kitchen and started fixing him a bottle. When it was done I walked him over to a chair and sat down, holding him in my lap. "Here we are," I said softly to him as I fed him the bottle. When he was finished I laughed at his huge smile and picked him up, twirling him around slowly before setting his bottle in the sink. "Come on little guy," I said, taking him into the sunroom and setting him in his playpen. He immediately sat down and started banging his dinosaur again, and I laughed at him. Wow...it felt good to laugh. "Thanks Wyatt," I said, patting him on the head before going into the kitchen to grab some folders and papers from the club. Locating a pen and a calculator, I walked back into the sunroom and sat down at the table to work. Wyatt just laughed to himself and played quietly as I hummed over to him from my place working at the table. I was almost through my work when my eyelids started to close and I rested my head on my arms, leaning onto the table. My motivation to finish the club's books diminished as a lazy, indifferent, hollow feeling washed over me. Sighing to myself yet again, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift off to sleep...

"Leo....Leo..." I mumbled, fumbling in the dark trying to reach him. There...there...I saw a figure move before me in the darkness, but...but...My eyes teared as I fell to the ground and started to cry. I'd never reach him...I'd never be held in his arms again. As I sat there, crying in my dark void, the floor beneath me started to shake, and then it collapsed. I fell...fell...and fell further into oblivion as the darkness surrounded me and the wind blew through my hair.

"Wahhhhhhh!" My eyes jolted open as I heard a wailing. Scattered and confused, I sat up and saw that I had fallen asleep next to my work. Wet...my cheeks were wet. I really had been crying. Crying...Someone was crying. Turning, I saw Wyatt sitting in his playpen wailing up at me.

"Oh, Wyatt baby," I said softly, trying to comfort him as I got my bearings and stood up shakily. I had to be strong...I had to pull myself together, for my son. Walking as fast as I could over to him, I bent down, scooped him into my arms, and lifted him as I stood up, rocking him back and forth. He quieted down in a few minutes as I walked him around and then into the kitchen. Taking a tissue, I wiped his cheeks dry and then threw it away before heading upstairs. It was almost noon as I changed Wyatt's diaper and then carried him into the kitchen so I could get him something to eat. The poor thing had been dirty and hungry...and I had just been sitting there sleeping! Deciding to bash myself later, I set Wyatt in his highchair and went about cutting up some small pieces of fruit for him to eat. He smiled widely as I set the food in front of him and I grinned back before going to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. I drank it quickly, relieving my parched throat, and then closed my eyes for a moment. All was silent except for Wyatt's giggles as he slapped his highchair table with his little hands and ate his cut up pieces of a peach. I sighed in content at the peace in the air at that moment and then opened my eyes to watch him finish off his fruit. Five to ten minutes later I saw that his interest in his food was diminishing as he began to yawn. Smiling, I quietly carried him upstairs and laid him in his crib.

"Sleep well," I whispered as I grabbed the baby monitor and left Wyatt to sleep. As I rounded the stairs heading for the kitchen, I jumped to see Phoebe standing in the hallway setting down her purse. "Oh, hey Phoebe, I didn't hear you come in," I said, walking down the remaining steps and following her into the kitchen.

"I was quiet because I know Wyatt takes his naps around 12:30 and I didn't want to wake him."

"He just fell asleep," I said softly, thinking of my son as I sat down in a chair and watched my sister sit down across from me.

"So..." she said...looking at me with curiosity and concern, but I just shrugged.

"You want me to make lunch?" I asked, and she smiled.

"I guess. Here, I'll help," Phoebe replied as I stood up and we headed to the counter. I mixed up some fruit salad with what I hadn't given to Wyatt as Phoebe got out the bread and lunchmeat to make us sandwiches. We worked in silence, and it was to my liking. I felt confident in the kitchen, and working with my hands made me feel busy, as well as giving me something to focus on. These days I had a hard time focusing...I always found my mind wandering.

"Done," I announced as I put some fruit into two bowls and set them on the kitchen table.

"Me too," Phoebe said, bringing two sandwiches over along with two bottled waters. "C'mon, why don't we eat in the living room?" I nodded at the suggestion and brought our fruit into the other room along with the baby monitor. Phoebe plopped right down onto the couch, setting down our drinks on the table, and immediately took a bite of her sandwich after setting mine down next to her. After setting down the monitor and both bowls of fruit, I picked up my sandwich and sat down next to my sister. As I took a bite I felt Phoebe watching me, and I looked over at her. She was chewing slowly and seemed to be contemplating something.

"What is it?" I asked, and she jumped, realizing that I had seen her staring at me.

"Oh, nothing, sorry. Just lost in a thought," she answered, and I nodded as a yawn overtook me and I sat back, closing my eyes for a moment. "You tired?" Phoebe asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

"Yeah, I guess," I replied. These days I really didn't have the energy or drive to ever hold a real conversation. My answers were always short and to the point.

"Why don't you go upstairs and take a nap with Wyatt?" Phoebe suggested, but I just shook my head as I opened my eyes and started to pick through my fruit bowl with a fork.

"No, I couldn't sleep," I said with a smile, and put a strawberry into my mouth. "Then I wouldn't get to sleep tonight." Phoebe just nodded as she continued to eat and I sighed inwardly. I couldn't tell her the real reason I was tired...plagued with dreams of Him every night...And if it wasn't a dream, I'd just be overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, or sadness. It happened every night...and the only thing that kept me going was looking over at my boy and gathering strength from and for him. I couldn't tell her that I feared sleep now. Every night was a reminder of what I had lost.

"Piper?" My train of thought broken, and I looked over at Phoebe, waiting for her to continue.

"Yes?" I asked as I set down my uneaten fruit and reached for my water.

"You're okay...right?" I let out a long slow sigh and looked my sister in the eyes.

"Are you still worried about me Phoebe?" I asked, and she slowly and hesitantly nodded.

"I can't help it Piper...You...you just haven't seemed yourself lately. And you've been yawning for the past week or so. It's obvious you haven't been sleeping well. If something is the matter, won't you tell me?" I smiled at my sister for a moment before pushing all of my food onto the table and turning completely towards her.

"Phoebe, I know you want to help, but I can assure you I am fine. And even if something were going on with me, sometimes people just need a little time on their own to figure things out. Do you understand?" Phoebe nodded at me and I smiled. "Good. Now, can you relay that to Paige too, because she seemed concerned this morning, and I don't want any of that. We can't have any negativity in the house. Especially not with Wyatt here. I want him to grow up in a loving happy stable household. At least, as much stable as we can make our lives. It'll be the best for him, don't you think?" My sister nodded at me, and I smiled as I grabbed my dishes and walked into the kitchen to throw away what I hadn't eaten and put the plate, fork, and bowl into the dishwasher. A moment later Phoebe had joined me, cleaning up her own plate.

"Oh, Piper, I'm sorry but I have to run. I have a meeting in about twenty-five minutes and my column has to be finished by today."

"That's all right. I'll see you later tonight," I told my sister as I watched her grab for her purse and head out the door. With a quiet bang of the front door, Phoebe was gone, and again I was left all alone. A wave of loneliness and sadness washed over me at this thought, and I walked over to the couch and sunk into the cushions. Why did I always feel this way? And...it was happening more and more as the days went by. At first, these waves had only come every few days, or only at night when I laid alone in bed. But now...they were happening three or four times daily, and I could do nothing to stop them. I just laid there on the couch, covering my head with my hands and breathing deeply. In...out...in...out...I repeated this to myself as I tried to breathe evenly. When the wave of dark feelings finally receded enough so that I had the energy to remove my hands from my head and lift it up to see the clock, I found that it was already two thirty. Amazed, I slowly sat up and did my best to stand. Slowly, but surely, I made my way upstairs with the baby monitor to find Wyatt playing quietly in his crib with a stuffed elephant.

"Hey, you," I said softly, and he looked up and laughed at my voice. "You were nice and quiet for Mommy, weren't you?" I asked, walking over and picking him up and out of his crib. "Do you want to go downstairs and play in the sun? Huh?" Wyatt cooed in response, so I grabbed his blanket and a bag of toys before heading downstairs and out into the backyard. The sun was shining warmly down on us as I laid out Wyatt's blanket and set out some toys. Placing a little red baseball hat on his head, I smiled at how cute he looked and then sat down next to him. "Do you want to read?" I asked as I picked up a book out of the bag and opened to the first page. Wyatt immediately crawled closer to me and I showed him the picture. "See that Wyatt? That's Clifford the Big Red Dog." Wyatt slapped his hand down onto the hard book in response and I turned the page to continue to read to him.

TO BE CONTINUED...