You Still Have All of Me

Part 2

By: Silverstar

Hello. Thanks to those who reviewed. It means a lot to me. I hope you enjoy this part as well.

Disclaimer: I do not own Charmed or any of the characters. Don't sue.

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I woke with a start, sweat pouring down my forehead and my sheets tangled and wrapped around me in various ways. The only thing I could feel was fear and panic as I franticly searched the room for something. I heard my heart pounding against my chess as I breathed heavily, not daring to move, but looking through the shadows for...There...Wyatt...Wyatt...he was gone! Where did he-?! Oh, that was right. Phoebe had taken him into her room for the night. She wanted me to get some rest and thought I'd sleep better without him. Oh...was she wrong. Of course, I couldn't have refused her when she asked. She had seemed so dead set on the idea, and Paige had agreed with her. So, Wyatt was gone, and I sat there in misery, not having anything to calm my nerves or set my mind straight again. My heart began to race as a wave of panic overcame me again, and I held on so tightly to the sheets that my knuckles turned white. No...No...What would I do, What would I do?! Without Him...Without Leo...without Wyatt...No, Wyatt would be back. He was coming back! Yes...he was only in the room next door. The room next door...My breathing calmed as I lay there, slowly loosening my grip on the bed sheets as my heart beat returned to normal. Looking around the empty room, I sighed in sorrow and defeat. This was it. I had been fighting it too long...and I couldn't anymore. I knew what this was...It was depression...it was loneliness and sickness...But I couldn't fight it any longer.

"I give up!" I whispered into the silent room as tears began to pour down my face and I shifted in bed, sobbing into my pillow. I cried...and cried...and when I finally stopped, I felt so terrible that I couldn't even sleep. My headache kept me awake along with the shaking of my hands and unsteadiness of my mind. "Just come and take me...come and take me..." I whispered, lying still on my bed as I stared up at the ceiling. The hours slowly ticked by...and around five o'clock, I finally fell into a restless sleep.

"No...no..." I mumbled, turning over in bed and opening my eyes to find that I had been only dreaming yet again. Still, upon my waking I had forgotten the dream that seconds before I had been so enwrapped in. Oh well...it was probably for the best. I'd be having another tomorrow night anyway. Slowly sitting up, I looked over at the clock to see that it read...1:00! It was already one?! Slipping my feet into my slippers and grabbing for my robe, I raced for my door and rushed down the stairs...Silence. Walking into the kitchen I found a note on the counter.

Dear Piper,

We wanted to leave you to sleep, so we took Wyatt over to Morris' house. One of us will pick him up on our way home, so don't worry.

Love,

Phoebe and Paige.

P.S. Don't bother cooking dinner, we're bringing take-out home.

I sighed at the letter, and slowly slid down into one of the kitchen chairs. Should I even bother getting dressed? Should I even bother taking a shower or eating something? I decided it didn't really matter, so I slowly got up and wandered back upstairs. Stepping into the bathroom, I turned on the shower as I stripped myself of my sweat-drenched pajamas and stepped into the hot steaming water. I sighed as I let the scalding flow wash over my body and took pleasure in the steam that was surrounding me. This was nice...When I finally emerged from the shower I was red and my fingers were prune-like, but I was relaxed. Walking into my room, I threw my pajamas onto my desk chair and put on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. Not bothering to brush or blow dry my hair, I pulled it into a ponytail began to strip my bed of the sweaty sheets. It was around three o'clock by the time I had finished making my bed and had thrown the other sheets into the washer. Tired and feeling like I had no energy whatsoever, I fell back onto the top of my bed and laid there in silence, not really thinking or doing anything. Nothing went through my mind...only pain and sorrow washed through my heart. Focusing on these emotions, I realized that they would probably be with me for the remainder of my life. I would always be plagued with these feelings...these memories...these moments of grief and oblivion. Allowing a tear to fall down my cheek, I slowly closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

Opening my eyes, I found that my room was dark and desolate. Looking at the clock as I slowly pushed myself up, I read that it was 6:30 Wow...6:30 already...? Shrugging my shoulders, I got to my feet and rummaged through my closet for a sweatshirt. Finding one, I pulled it over my head and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep warm. I stood there for a moment, staring off into space as my mind wandered and my thoughts scattered...but a second later I shook my head, clearing my mind and coming to my senses again, as I walked towards the door and headed downstairs. Suppressing a yawn, I shuffled into the kitchen to find Phoebe standing over Wyatt in his high chair. Smiling, I watched her unsuccessfully trying to feed Wyatt his baby food. Glancing over her shoulder at me, he let out a small giggle and waved up his hand towards me. His movement made Phoebe stand up and turn to face me, a frustrated look on her face. But at the sight of me she smiled and let out a sigh, sinking into a nearby chair. I slowly walked over, taking the baby food from her and then bending down towards my son.

"Did you miss me Wyatt? Did you?" I asked, a smile spreading across my face as he laughed up at me, waving his hands. Taking a spoonful of the baby food, I offered it to my son and he ate as I fed him, giving me no trouble whatsoever. Phoebe just watched on with a shocked look on her face and I laughed inwardly at how long she must have been down here with him.

"So, How was your day?" she asked as I reached for Wyatt's warm bottle and picked him up into my arms. Sitting down into a chair next to Phoebe, I held him close as I fed him the warm milk.

"It's better now," I replied in baby talk as I looked down at my son. Phoebe just shook her head as she sat back let out a long sigh.

"I don't know where you find the energy Piper," she said, and I just shrugged as I held my boy close.

"So, where's Paige?" I asked as I finished up with Wyatt's bottle. Before I could get up, Phoebe stood and took it from me along with his baby food bowl, and went to the sink to clean and put them away.

"She's on her way," Phoebe responded. "She just had to stop to pick up some Chinese on her way home." I nodded as I looked down at Wyatt and then pulled him even closer for a hug.

"I missed you today Wyatt," I said into his ear, giving him a kiss on the cheek and standing up as I swung him in a circle, resulting in a laugh from his cute little mouth. Holding him close, I ruffled his soft blonde hair with my fee hand and turned to see Phoebe staring at me with a small smile on her face. "What?" I asked, shifting Wyatt to get a better grip on him.

"Nothing...I just like watching you with him," she responded. "Did you really miss him that much?" Looking down at Wyatt, I stared into his eyes and found comfort and strength. My mind settled and I was able to think a little clearer. "Yeah...I did," I whispered as I kissed him on the head and gave Phoebe another smile. As she set Wyatt's bottle out to dry I walked out of the kitchen and over to the couch to sit down with my son. Sitting in silence, I rocked him gently back and forth as I thought about my long night and day without him. I had been a mess...and I still was a mess...but Wyatt allowed me to semi-control my feelings of sorrow, regret, and emptiness. His smile warmed my heart. "Hey...Piper?" Looking over, my trance broken, I saw Phoebe standing in the doorway. As I glanced at her she walked over and sat down next to me on the couch. "Piper...-" As Phoebe started to say something the front door opened and Paige walked into the house.

"Hey guys! I hope you're hungry!" she exclaimed while throwing down her jacket and purse and carrying the bag of food into the kitchen. Phoebe didn't seem like she was going to continue the conversation, so I stood up and walked into the kitchen behind Paige with Wyatt. Phoebe followed me.

"Piper, why don't you go into the other room with Wyatt?" Phoebe said softly as she went to get water out of the refrigerator for the three of us. "We'll bring the food in in a second." Not having the energy to argue and with Wyatt already occupying my arms, I nodded and walked back into the family room. As I sat down I watched Wyatt open his mouth very wide to yawn, but I just held him closer.

"Piper, you should take Wyatt up to bed," Paige said as she entered the room and walked over with the Chinese cartons, setting them down on the table in front of me. I stared down at my boy as he snuggled into my arms, but I didn't want to take him upstairs. I didn't want him to not be in my arms. "Come on," she said softly, gently placing her hand under my arm and lifting me up. I let Paige lead me upstairs and she waited as I changed Wyatt's diaper and got him into his pajamas. Placing him in his crib, I tucked him under his blanket and bent down to give him a kiss.

"Goodnight little Wyatt," I said softly, giving him another kiss on the forehead. Leaning back up, I found myself not wanting to leave him and placed my hand on his head as he yawned again.

"Piper..." Paige whispered, and I felt her hand on my shoulder. Sighing softly to myself, I slowly lifted my hand and turned around, grabbing the baby monitor as I allowed my sister to lead me out of the room and downstairs. As we left, feelings of dread and distrust leapt into my heart, and I had no power to overthrow those feelings with thoughts or actions. "Hungry?" Paige asked as she sat me down on the couch between her and Phoebe. I just shrugged as she handed me a carton and a fork and watched as she helped herself to another carton and began to tell Phoebe and me about her day. I cared...I really did...but I heard nothing of what Paige had to say. My emotions just overwhelmed my other senses and actions, and I sat there motionless, picking at my food and letting my mind sink into depression.

"Piper...Piper?" Looking up, I realized that Phoebe was speaking to me.

"...Yeah?...Sorry," I said, focusing my attention on her and Paige, who were both looking at me with concern.

"Paige and I were just asking how your day went," Phoebe said.

"Oh, well, I took a long shower and...well...I slept." Shrugging at them, I set my Chinese carton on the table and sat back into the sofa.

"Did you have anything to eat?" Paige asked, and I looked at her with a funny expression on her face. "It's just that...well...you hardly ate any of your dinner," she pointed out, and I looked over at the uneaten food.

"I just haven't been hungry lately," I replied in a soft voice, shrugging my shoulders again as I did so. Both Phoebe's and Paige's expressions changed from concerned to extremely worried and serious.

"Piper...we're worried about you," Paige said, placing her hand on my shoulder. "I...I don't know what's going on inside that head of yours...and neither does Phoebe. All we know is that you're always tired, always jumpy, never happy...you never eat...you never show any emotions unless you're around Wyatt. And even then, it's a sad sort of happiness. You have desperate and sad smiles, yearning for more, but never quite making it there. Please...tell us what's going on in that head of yours."

"We want to help, but can't if you won't open up with us," Phoebe added, placing her hand on my other shoulder. My heart pounded as I stared at my sisters, and sadness built up inside of me overwhelming my senses. Suddenly, tears started to overflow from my eyes, and I had no control over them. I felt sad...and I cried.

"Piper...!" Paige said, cupping her hands around my face and forcing me to look at her. I looked her in the eyes for a moment, and saw the change in her expression as she stared into my soul and saw the darkness, sorrow, and confusion there. I quickly broke my gaze, looking down and moving my head so that she no longer held it in place.

"I...I want Wyatt..." I said quietly, sniffling and wiping my eyes as I did so. A few minutes later Phoebe carried a sleeping Wyatt over to me and set him in my arms. I held him to me firmly, breathing in his scent and trying to calm my nerves. I didn't know what had just happened...but it wasn't new to me. This was the way I felt every night...whenever Wyatt wasn't near...whenever I let my mind wander...asleep or awake.

"Piper..." I jumped in surprise as Phoebe's arms wrapped around me, and she brought me into a hug, Wyatt and all. Tears were still falling down my face, though I didn't know it, and Phoebe seemed rattled, upset, and confused. I felt the same way. A few minutes passed, and I slowly relaxed into my sister's embrace, placing my head on her shoulder with one arm around her and the other supporting Wyatt who was still sleeping soundly. We sat like that for a while, and I slowly let Paige take Wyatt away and carry him back upstairs to his room. I stared after my boy, but forced myself to realize that he was only upstairs, and that I could see him whenever I pleased. Taking a deep breath, I realized that Phoebe and Paige were whispering to each other. My senses coming back to me, I opened my eyes and sat back, breaking my comforting hug with Phoebe and looking at the two of them. They stared back at me with surprise for a moment before I let out a loud sigh and sunk back into the cushions of the couch, covering my face with my hands as I did so.

"Come on honey, let's get you to bed," I heard Paige say softly as she and Phoebe lifted me up by either arm and walked me up to my room. I let Phoebe pull back the covers to my big and empty bed and lay down as Paige pulled the covers around me. Tired and lacking energy, I smiled softly up at my sisters before falling into a restless sleep.

I woke with a start, sweat pouring down my face yet again as I jolted up in bed breathing hard.

"Woah, Piper, it's okay, I'm here." Looking around, I saw Phoebe sitting at the side of my bed, whispering softly so she wouldn't wake Wyatt. She was looking at me with worry and an eagerness to help. Glancing at the clock, I saw that it only read five thirty. She must've been sitting there the whole night.

"Wh...What are you doing here?" I asked, wiping my forehead with the sleeve of my sweatshirt as I tried to untangle myself from my bed sheets.

"Paige and I were worried, so she sat with you half the night, and then I came to sit with you so she could get some sleep." I nodded, trying to focus on my sister and keep my mind off my dream.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Phoebe asked, and I grimaced as the dream came rushing back to me...It was the same as always...me chasing Leo in an endless dark void...

"It's nothing," I said quickly, sliding out of bed and heading for the bathroom. Reaching the sink, I turned on the cold water and splashed some up onto my face. As I dried myself with a towel, I turned to see Phoebe standing there, waiting for me. She followed me back into my room as I pulled a clean blanket from the top of my closet and wrapped it around me, sitting in the chair near Wyatt's crib. I sat for a minute...and another minute more, just watching as he breathed in and out...in and out...I copied his pattern and soon felt somewhat relaxed. Smiling down gently at him, I stood up and made my way out of my room and downstairs. I knew Phoebe was watching me...following me...but I didn't care. I walked into the kitchen and began to make myself some tea.

"Here, let me help," Phoebe volunteered, and she got out two cups and the tea bags as I began to heat up the water. We worked in silence, but while we were waiting for the water to heat, Phoebe spoke, startling me enough so that I jumped slightly at the sound of her voice in the quiet kitchen. "Piper...How long have these dreams been happening...?" Phoebe asked gently, turning me so that I'd face her. I looked at my little sister for a moment, and decided that she didn't need any more trouble in her life.

"Not too long," I responded, looking down as I answered.

"How long is 'not too long?'" she asked, clearly knowing that I was lying to her. Sighing to myself, I walked over to the kitchen table and sat down in a chair.

"I've...I've been having dreams...ever since the night that Leo left...since the night that Leo left me alone to watch over Wyatt and fend for myself..." I felt the tears start to come as I said this, and then looked up at my sister with them threatening to cascade down my face. "He isn't coming back Phoebe...he isn't..." A tear began to roll down my face as I spoke, and in a moment, more followed it. "And...Phoebe...there's nothing I can do...nothing..." I gasped for breath as I began to cry and Phoebe rushed over to wrap her arms around me. In a moment the timer went off, and I hastily turned from my sister, rushing over to pour out the tea. Phoebe followed, helping me pour the scalding water so that I wouldn't spill any of it on myself with my shaking hands. When the tea had set for a few minutes I gently picked up my cup while Phoebe did the same with hers. My nerves getting to me, I sunk into the closest chair and took a long drink, allowing the warm liquid to travel down my throat. We sat in silence drinking our tea, and I tried to organize my thoughts. The problem was, my feelings always got in the way. When I had finished my tea I was no nearer to understanding what was going on inside of me, but I did know that I couldn't deal with it. Maybe I could run...yeah...run...! Standing up suddenly, I bolted out of the room and turned to run up the stairs. I could hide up in my room for a few days...just me and Wyatt. Or we could go on a vacation! As I neared the top of the stairs two arms wrapped around me from behind, holding me back so that I could run no further. Turning, I saw Phoebe holding me as Paige sleepily exited from her room, looking at us with confusion and concern.

"Piper...Piper..." Phoebe said desperately as I slid to the floor in defeat. My sister followed my example, sliding down next to me, her arms still wrapped around me, and Paige continued to stand, watch, and listen. "Piper...What are you running from..? What...?" Phoebe asked, tears now falling from her eyes. I looked at her and saw pain and sadness...I knew my face was reflecting hers.

"You want to know...?" I asked, and Phoebe stared at me with pleading eyes as Paige slid down on the other side of me, resting her hand on my shoulder. "I can't really tell you what I run from...I never know what is going on in my head!" I admitted, fear rising in my voice. "I run from the past...I run from the future...I run from the memories...I run from my life as it is now, because I've had a taste of what my life could be forever. I run from my emotions, because they cloud me every day, plaguing my every step, and I have no control over them." I wiped my eyes, trying to remain strong for my sisters, but they just continued to listen as I breathed in and out quickly and told my story. "One minute I'm happy, and the next I'm sad...One minute content, the next restless...One minute at peace and the next fearful and uneasy. My emotions change like the ups and downs of a roller coaster, and while I fought it off at first...Those first weeks...I tried to keep strong...keep going. Now I don't have the strength to defeat this depression. I tried Phoebe, I really did," I said softly as I began to cry and Paige hugged me from behind. "Phoebe...Paige...If you can make it go away...all the feelings...all the pain...Please...I can't make it leave...and it haunts me day and night..." Crying softly, I opened my eyes as Paige and Phoebe released me, and both slid back to sit in front of me.

"Piper, look at me," Paige said, and I stared hopelessly into her big brown eyes, searching for a reason or an answer to my madness. "Listen to me Piper...You have to know that you're not alone. You never were and never will be alone in this. We are always here, and we'll help you. Okay?" I nodded at my sister, smiling at her words, and reached forward to give her a hug. She returned it, and seconds later Phoebe joined us.

"Come on Piper. You should get some more sleep, and when you wake up we'll figure everything out," Phoebe promised me, and I nodded to her as she and Paige helped me to my feet.

"But...Not in there," I whispered as they began walking towards my room. "The large empty bed gives me nightmares...He haunts my dreams..." I stared at the room for a second before Phoebe led me into her room and Paige pulled down the covers of Phoebe's unmade bed. Worn out, I slid in with no complaints and soon fell into a restless sleep with my sisters by my side.

"I will be alright..." Phoebe whispered in my ear. "It will all be alright."

TO BE CONTINUED...