You Still Have All of Me
Part 3
By: Silverstar
Here is the 3rd part. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to review the second part...*sad face* It's been over a month since I've updated. I've even written through part six. My rule is usually that I won't update until a least one person reviews, but since it's been so long, I figured that no one was going to review. It makes me sad, but since I love the story so much, I decided to post the next part. I hope everyone enjoys....
Disclaimer: Charmed is not mine. -_-;
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My sisters kept repeating to me that everything would be alright...Everything would work out in the end...but I didn't have the strength or conviction to believe them. A week had gone by since I had admitted to them what was going on in my head...and nothing had changed except for the fact that Phoebe was working at home as much as she could and Paige was coming home during her lunch breaks. I could also tell that they talked carefully around me, and I knew they had discussions over me late at night after I'd gone to bed. I didn't really blame them...They were worried, just as worried as I was afraid. I feared what was going on in my head...I couldn't do anything to feel better, and lately even Wyatt couldn't brighten my moods.
Waking up one morning, I looked over to notice Wyatt gone. It was already eleven o'clock...I must have slept through his crying...maybe Phoebe took him downstairs before he woke up so I could get some sleep. Either way....Hey, wait...Looking down, I saw that I was in the same position I had been when I fell asleep. No movement, no wrinkling or twisting of the sheets, and no tear soaked pillows...It was the first night in weeks that I hadn't had a dream. Not one dream. My mind felt clear...and I felt refreshed and alive. Standing up, I slowly made I way to my door and down the stairs. Phoebe was in the sunroom with Wyatt and I saw no sign of Paige. She must have already left for work. Pouring myself a cup of coffee, I picked it up and walked into the sunroom towards my sister and my son.
"Good morning," I greeted as I walked towards them and took a drink from my coffee cup. Phoebe immediately looked up ay me and smiled at my entrance.
"Hey, did you get a good nights sleep?" she asked, picking up Wyatt as she stood up and handing him over to me after I set down my coffee cup. "You're usually up so early...so I was relieved to see you sleeping this morning."
"Yeah," I said, taking Wyatt and bouncing him up and down to make him laugh. "I didn't wake up once...or have any dreams or anything. I feel great." Phoebe's face relaxed more than I had seen in the past weeks and she stepped forward to give me a hug.
"That's great Piper. It's such a relief that you're feeling better," Phoebe said to me as she pulled away and I set Wyatt down in his playpen before picking up my coffee and taking another sip.
"Yeah..." I whispered, finding a genuine smile on my face for the first time in a long time. "Hey, can you watch Wyatt a little longer? I'd like to go take a shower."
"Sure. I'll be sitting here working on my column," Phoebe responded, and I slowly turned around and headed upstairs. Rounding the top of the staircase, I started towards the shower as my heart beat a little faster and a sense of urgency welded up within me. Hurrying, I entered the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I took a few deep breaths as my anxiety quieted and I slowly slid to the floor. No dreams...no worries...no dark feelings...after having them for so long...it worried me that they had disappeared overnight. Shaking my head, I quickly stripped off my clothes as I turned on the shower and let the water get hot. Once I saw the steam beginning to form, I stepped under the hot flow and let it relax me. Seconds passed...then minutes...When I finally opened my eyes I saw my surroundings and a surge of sorrow passed through my heart like a bullet. Here I was...alone...so vulnerable...so weak...no wonder He left me...no wonder He didn't care enough to stay...Tears rolled down my cheeks at these thoughts and I leapt from the shower onto the floor. Five minutes before I thought things had changed...I though I was returning to my formal self...But it was only a trick of the mind. My mood swings had me going from happy and relaxed to restless, anxious, and depressed in the course of a second. All it took was one thought...one memory for my mind to falter and fall again. As I laid on the floor, holding the sides of my head with my hands, I breathed deeply. Everything filtered from my mind except the strong desire to end the sadness...to end it. And, it would be easy to end too. Yes...it would be simple. Picking myself up off the ground, I threw a robe on over my wet body and opened the door of the bathroom. No one was in sight. Holding a hand over my heart in an attempt to shut out my suffering, I turned towards the attic and made my way down the hall and up the stairs. The old door creaked open, as I stood just inside and stared around me. I hadn't been up into the attic since...since those days when I had last seen Leo...It looked the same. Everything was right where I had remembered it to be. Walking slowing, I made my way to The Book and traced my fingers along its edges. Without The Book...Without It, I never would have even met Leo. Things would have been so different...but it's no time to think on the past. This is what I told myself...but my mind still raced back to every memory of Him. My heart pounding, I slowly walked over to the window and looked out. The sky seemed darker, and upon closer scrutinizing I realized that gray clouds could be seen in every direction. Reaching forward, I slowly unlatched the window and pulled it open. A cold blast of wind hit me, and I closed my eyes as my hair blew back and goose bumps appeared over my wet and cold skin. After taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and looked out. Would it really be so bad? If I just....No...What was I thinking? What was I doing up here? Backing away slightly, I continued to stare at the window. Well...What if I did? Would things change even in death? I guess I wouldn't know until I tried. About to take another step forward, a noise behind me made me stop.
"Piper, What are you doing up here?" Phoebe asked, and I turned to see her confused and scared face behind me.
"Oh...I just needed some fresh air, that's all. I feel like I haven't been outside in ages...and the hot shower I took made me feel a little light headed," I stammered quickly. Phoebe slowly came towards me, reaching out her hand until she took hold of my arm.
"If you were feeling dizzy you should have just sat down and turned the shower off. You left the water running."
"S...Sorry," I said, lowering my head and then glancing towards the window. Phoebe followed my gaze and then brushed past me, reaching up to close and latch my only means of escape.
"What's wrong?" she asked, turning to face me after she took care of the window. "Twenty minutes ago you seemed perfectly healthy and happy. What's changed?" I stared at my sister for a moment before sliding into a chair and leaning my head on my hands, covering my face in the process.
"...It's...It's mood swings Phoebe...they come and go. Just one thought of...of...L...Leo...and everything went downhill from there. My head pounds and my heart breaks...and I just want to get away from it all. Coming up here was bad...I...I haven't set foot in this room since...since..." My voice broke as I pulled my head up to look at Phoebe. She was sitting in a chair next to me and placed her hands over mine.
"No more crying Piper...Don't you think you've cried enough?" Phoebe said softly to me, and I just stared at her as she squeezed my hands with hers.
"I can't help myself Phoebe...I'm a mess...a mess..."
"Don't tell yourself that, do you hear me?" Phoebe asked, but I just shook my head.
"I know you and Paige talk about me late at night when you think I have fallen asleep. My dreams haunt me Phoebe...I'm never very eager to close my eyes at night. I know both of you are worried...and I'm afraid too." I looked at my sister in the eyes for a moment before getting up and heading down the stairs.
"Piper!" Phoebe called, and I turned around halfway down the staircase to look up ay my little sister. "Piper...What were you really doing with that window open? What were you going to do?" she asked, fear evident in her eyes.
"I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't walked in," I said blankly, not having anything else to say. That was my only answer. I saw the fear in Phoebe's expression, but I turned around and continued downstairs anyway. As I stepped into the downstairs hallway, the front door opened and I watched Paige walk in.
"Piper...?" she asked, but I just turned around again and headed for the kitchen. "Piper...!" I heard Paige call again, and knowing that she'd come into the kitchen to question me, I looked for an escape. My eyes locked onto the basement door and I quickly opened it and headed downstairs in the dark. I stumbled down the stairs, but once on the ground I threw myself onto the cool floor and let myself breathe in and out in the quiet solitude. Shivering from the cold, I clenched my teeth shut and continued to lie still, breathing evenly in an attempt to regain control of my head and my emotions.
The basement door creaked open and I heard someone slowly descending the stairs. The footsteps became louder as they neared me, but I remained where I was.
"Piper...You're going to catch a cold," A concerned Paige said as she knelt beside me and placed her hand on my forehead. Still wet from my shower and only wearing a white robe to cover me and keep me warm, I instinctively moved closer to my sister's warmth. Leaning down, she took me into her arms and held me close. "Piper, it's okay. It's okay to feel the way you feel. But...it really is healthier to share those feelings. That way, Phoebe and I can help you to overcome them." I said nothing as I continued to shiver, trying to keep warm through Paige. Phoebe must have told her what happened upstairs...great...All I needed was for my sisters to think of me as a crazy...But...Wasn't that what I was?...A crazy?
"Am I crazy...:?" I asked in a whisper, opening my eyes and looking up at my sister. Surprised at my sudden speech, Paige hesitated a moment before answering.
"No...of course you're not crazy," she said softly, placing her right hand on the side of my face. "You're just a little lost. But don't worry, cause we will help you find your way." I said nothing as I shut my eyes again and then heard footsteps coming towards us.
"Here," I heard Phoebe say, and in a moment a large towel was wrapped around me. With Phoebe and Paige pulling me up, I stumbled to me feet and opened my eyes to look at my sisters.
"Thanks," I said to Phoebe and she smiled, placing her hand on my shoulder, and then helped Paige take me upstairs. I climbed most of them myself, but my sisters steadied me to make the journey a little easier. Before I knew it I was back upstairs in my bedroom with my sisters, who were drying me off and getting me into something warm. Nonetheless, I continued to shiver as they helped me dress and put me into bed. "I'm not tired...I'm not tired..." I insisted repeatedly as Phoebe and Paige said something quietly to each other before Phoebe left.
"It's all right hun, you don't have to sleep," Paige reassured me. "We just want you to keep warm." I looked at my sister in silence for a moment as she walked nearer to me and sat down next to me on my bed.
"I'm...I'm sorry," I said suddenly, placing my hand on Paige's shoulder. "Sometimes I don't know what comes over me...Sometimes I just can't control myself," I tried to explain, looking at Paige with pleading eyes, hoping that she would understand.
"It's all right Piper. I know exactly how you feel," she whispered to me, and I looked at her with confusion evident in my eyes. She then took a deep breath and began to speak. "I sunk into a long terrible depression after my parents died," she revealed. "Some days were good, and some were bad...Some days I wondered if it would just be easier to rid myself of my misery...Maybe it would be easier to just not go on. But...my family was there, and they made me realize that I could go on and move forward with my life. That's why I can look at you and tell you that everything will be okay. I know it will." I looked at Paige for a moment before leaning back onto my pillows and sighing to myself.
"You should believe her," I heard Phoebe say, and I looked at my doorway to see her standing there with a cup of soup and a mug of tea.
"I've tried everything," I said softly. "Nothing works...and everyday I feel like killing myself." My eyes widened after I said this, for I hadn't realized it until it came out of my mouth. Still...it was true, I couldn't figure out why I hadn't tried anything earlier.
"Well..." Phoebe said, obviously shocked with my statement. "If you can't do it on you own and nothing's working for you, maybe you need some help."
"Piper," Paige said, and I looked up at my sisters. They had been discussing me earlier...what did thy want to do with me? "Piper...Phoebe and I think you should see a doctor. We think maybe you should get some medicine...Something for your depression. We need to do something. You're getting sicker and sicker everyday, and Wyatt is growing and watching his Mother in pain and agony. It isn't healthy for you, him, or for this family." I looked at Paige for a moment, then at Phoebe, and then back at Paige.
"It will help?" I asked, and Paige smiled.
"It has for millions of people before you, including yours truly," she said softly, indicating herself, and I nodded.
"All right...all right, I'll go see a doctor," I told my sisters. "Anything to help...anything to make my head and heart go back to normal." My sisters seemed satisfied and more at ease with this answer, but confusion and anxiety just grew in my mind.
"Here hun, don't think about it too much," Paige said, taking the soup and tea from Phoebe. "Drink this to keep warm. We don't want you getting sick and we don't want you to worry. We'll take care of everything." I nodded mutely as I took the hot liquids from Paige, setting the tea down to cool a little and taking a drink of the hot tomato soup. Closing my eyes, I concentrated only on the hot liquid sliding down the insides of my throat. Once swallowed, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. Phoebe and Paige were just exiting the room, leaving the door wide open as they left. They didn't trust me....but then again, did I trust myself? No...I didn't. Breathing deeply and evenly, I drank some more of my soup before setting it down and picking up my tea. The aroma filled my nostrils and overpowered my senses, making me forget everything but the flavor for just a second. Once finished I felt calmer and warmer. Not tired, I slowly slid out of bed, picking up both cups as I did so. Holding them tightly in my hands, I made my way out of my bedroom and down the stairs towards the kitchen. As I placed both cups in the sink, I heard noises coming from the sunroom. Glancing in, I saw Paige writing down something on a piece of paper as she held the phone up to her ear with her free hand. Phoebe was bouncing Wyatt as tears threatened to overflow from his eyes. Looking at the time, I realized that it was close to two...Wyatt must be hungry. Turning around, I walked back into the kitchen and began fixing him a bottle. Ten minutes later I emerged into the sunroom with a warm bottle only to receive surprised looks from my sisters.
"Here Phoebe, he's probably hungry," I said, lifting Wyatt out of her arms and sitting down on a chair with him. He immediately settled down in my arms and began drinking hungrily from the bottle I had fixed for him. Phoebe just sighed, sitting down herself and throwing the stuffed bear on the floor that she had been trying to cheer Wyatt up with.
"I didn't realize how late it was," she said to me as we watched Wyatt eat happily.
"That's all right, I didn't either. I'm sure he forgives both of us." Phoebe just nodded at me as I continued to watch Wyatt and Paige listened intently into her phone.
"Thank you so much," I heard her say sweetly into the phone. "Yes...We'll see you tomorrow. All right. Thank you again. Okay...Bye now." I looked up as Paige hung up the phone and finished scribbling something down on the paper in front of her.
"Well?" Phoebe asked, and I looked from Paige to Phoebe, and then back to Paige again. Who had she been talking to?
"I called in a favor from my contacts at the Social Service Agency," Paige said, looking over at me with a smile. "I got you an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow at one of the Social Service's Health Branches. It's just a building of different types of doctors, nurses, and counselors. They set you up with Doctor Rune tomorrow at one." I looked at Paige, shocked and bewildered at this news.
"So soon?" I asked as Wyatt finished his bottle and I held him up to my shoulder as he burped.
"Don't worry hun," Paige said, coming over to sit next to me. "I told you not to worry, and you shouldn't. Everything will be fine." I stared at Paige for a minute, still unbelieving, and then got up to put Wyatt's bottle in the sink. I didn't know why I felt fear and anxiety...This was suppose to help me...It was going to help me.
"Let me wash that," Phoebe said, coming up behind me as I was about to turn on the water. Stepping away, I let her wash the bottle and set it out to dry as I looked over my son. He seemed content in my arms, laying his head on my shoulder as he put his small thumb into his mouth.
"Piper..." Looking up, I saw that Paige had walked in with the paper she had been writing on. She put it on the counter as she spoke to me. "You know that Phoebe and I are going with you, right? We won't let you do it alone."
"You'll come?" I asked, not really sure what I had been thinking before.
"Of course," she answered as I shifted Wyatt into my other arm to make room for Phoebe. She walked over, putting her arm around me and resting her head on my shoulder.
"We wouldn't leave you for the world," Phoebe whispered to me, and I smiled.
"Thanks," I replied, giving Phoebe a kiss on the top of her head and smiling at Paige. Hearing a small sigh, I looked down to see Wyatt nestled in my arm, eyes drooping as he breathed evenly. "Hey, I'm going to put him to bed," I said as Phoebe let go of me and looked down at her sleepy nephew. "It's time for his nap." Hugging Wyatt closer, I exited the kitchen and made my way upstairs to my bedroom. Walking over to his crib, I set him down slowly and pulled a thin blanket over him. "Have a nice nap," I whispered, giving him a kiss on his forehead before turning around and turning off the light. Staring back at him, I took a deep breath and then walked towards the door and downstairs towards my sisters. It was obvious that Paige wasn't going back to the office, and Phoebe wasn't going to get any of her work done. Knowing that I was the reason for this, I figured I might as well spend time with them for the rest of the day. At least it kept my mind off other things. I did get the most depressed when I was alone, and just being in the same room as them usually made my heart feel a little lighter.
When I descended the stairs I found both of my sisters sitting together on the couch. Neither was speaking...and it hit hard that I was responsible for their uneasiness, confusion, and distress. Shuffling over, I stood quietly before them until both turned their eyes up to look at me.
"I'm so sorry..." I said in grief, dropping to my knees and lowering my head. "I did not mean to worry you or cause either of you pain...I'd never wish the pain I feel every day on anyone else. I am truly very sorry...Paige...Phoebe...Can you forgive me?" Closing my eyes, I waited for a response from my sisters. A few seconds later a hand was placed beneath my chin, raising my head so that it was no longer bowed. When I looked up, I was looking into the eyes of my sister...Paige.
"Don't do this to yourself Piper," she said softly, smiling warmly at me. "Don't blame yourself for anything, because you did nothing wrong. Phoebe and I are fine. Sometimes we just like to think about things...just like you. Do you know what I mean?" I slowly nodded at my sister and then turned to Phoebe.
"So you're not angry either?" I asked, and Phoebe shook her head no as she reached out her arms and pulled me up onto the couch between her and Paige.
"How could we be mad at you?" she asked, and I shrugged in response.
"Sometimes fear, panic, and sorrow may lead to anger," I answered. "When Leo first left...I was sad, but angry too. I can't stand being angry at him anymore, because that anger just made me realize how much I loved him...How much I didn't want to give him up."
"We didn't want Leo to leave either," Paige said, and I turned my head to look at her. "But...he did. And I can assure you that we are not angry at you for missing him. We all miss him."
"Thanks," I replied, wrapping my arms around both of my sisters and snuggling next to them as we sat in silence, thinking and praying...A thought about the past, a thought about the present, and a prayer for the future.
TO BE CONTINUED...
After updating I realized that someone had reviewed the second part! I guess the review alert emails weren't working and I had checked at the wrong times. THANK YOU piper+leo4eva!