You Still Have All of Me

Part 5

By: Silverstar

I hope you're all enjoying. I know this story doesn't have very much action, but I want to concentrate on Piper's feelings, and hopefully a certain someone else's feelings as well ^__^ Please review!

Disclaimer: I, very sadly, don't owned Charmed.

~~~~~

Slowly...very slowly...the days went by. They went by until it was a month after my first visit to the doctor. I still went weekly to see her, and one of my sisters would always go with me, but I didn't speak to either of them about what happened in those sessions. Actually, I didn't know much myself. Somehow...and I don't know how, Dr. Rune always managed to get me to open up. We just talked casualty, and I felt at ease with her. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't know me very well, having no connection to my family, and therefore could give me an outsider's opinion and perspective. She never told me how I should be feeling or that something was wrong with me, but she helped me examine why I was feeling what I was feeling. We talked about ways to get past those feeling...and sometimes I would just talk about Wyatt and my sisters. I somehow created a friend in my doctor, and found myself looking forward to my Wednesday sessions with her. Of course, I couldn't tell her about the magical aspects of my marriage, but my problems weren't magical. They were emotional.

I think my sisters seemed to notice the slight change in me as well, and as the weeks went by they seemed less over protective towards me. They gave me more space, and by the end of the month things seemed to go back to normal. The medication finally kicked in after about a week, and worked most of the time...but there were still times when I felt horrible. Paige and Phoebe learned to just give me space when those moods hit me, and often they'd last all day. At these times I'd usually retreat to my room to meditate, and often I'd even go to P3 to try to distract myself. Paige warns me not to drive when I feel that way, but I find it helps me to calm my nerves. Anyway, it seems like I'm getting better mostly. A majority of each day is spent with a clear mind, and I'm able to do work, take care of myself better, and most importantly, take care of Wyatt better. Days are still hard, but bearable. And, best of all, I haven't had a dream in three weeks. With a better night's sleep, I find myself less susceptible to periods of depression throughout the day. Something did bother me though...was the medication doing all of the work...or was I really moving on? Should I still be feeling the loss of Leo in the way I had before? Was the medication just a fake way of getting better? These questions milled through my head daily as I took care of Wyatt and managed the club. Robert, the new employee this month, was also a reminder for me of Leo. His resemblance was remarkable, and just a glance at him had me thinking these questions all over again. What would Leo say if he were around? Dr. Rune told me that dwelling on these 'what ifs' was a waste of time and energy, but I couldn't help but wonder.

Hearing Phoebe call out my name, I pushed away these thoughts, and looked up from the paperwork I had been reading for P3.

"What is it?" I asked, seeing Phoebe rush into the kitchen with the phone.

"It's Julie," Phoebe answered, referring to the manager of my club.

"Hello?" I said into the phone as I watched Phoebe open the refrigerator to scrounge for food.

"Piper? Thank God!" Julie said, urgency and relief in her voice. "I need you down here. There's a huge line outside and two employees called out. The doors open in twenty-five minutes, and I don't have enough staff."

"Say no more," I said, glancing at the clock to see that it was getting close to seven, the time that the club usually opened. "I'll be there as soon as I can," I said, and hung up to her 'Thank Yous.' "Phoebe, I have to get down at the club tonight. Do you think you could pick Wyatt up for me at his playgroup?" I asked. I should have picked him up an hour ago, but I had lost track of time.

"Sure," Phoebe said, looking disappointed that I wouldn't be making dinner.

"Thanks," I said, and grabbing P3's papers, my jacket, and my purse, I was out the door. Fifteen minutes later, thanks to a lot of speeding and close calls, I made it to P3 with a little time to spare before the doors opened. Julie was glad to see me, and I immediately began giving the limited staff instructions before going to check on the band. It was a new group that had been a hit with a few other clubs around town, and because of that they had a small San Francisco following. With the band set up and everything in order, I went to my place behind the bar with Julie.

The night was busy, and by ten o'clock I was exhausted. The medication I was on did nothing for my energy level, and I still got tired very easily. I longed to go home, but I couldn't until the night was over. With only a few staff members, I was needed. Around eleven thirty there was a short break at the bar as the band started playing a 'favorite' song, and so I was able to take a look at some paperwork in my office for a short break. Looking over the sign-in sheet, I noticed that Robert was suppose to work tonight...He was one of the employees who had called out. Hmmmnnn...he hadn't seemed like the kind to call out when I hired him...of course, Leo hadn't seemed like the kind to walk out on me either. The thought popped into my head before I could do anything to stop it, and I soon found myself sinking into dark thoughts. With my head pounding and stomach feeling a little queasy, I wanted nothing more than to go home and lie down...but alas, I had to go back out and help my manager run the club. With a sigh and a heavy dark feeling weighing on my heart, I stood up and made my way back to the bar.

The band played till one, and around one thirty most of the customers were gone. I sent Julie and the rest of my employees home and began cleaning up as the bouncer let the remaining customers out of the club at two AM. As I was left alone, locked behind the safe doors of my Club, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I let my tears fall freely as I wiped up the tables and swept up the floor. No medication could keep me from feeling, and at that time I felt defeated. My life at this point was work and Wyatt...I didn't talk with my sisters as much as I use to, and Leo was long gone. Even my life as a witch was fading. There hadn't been an attack since Leo left, and there was probably a reason for that. They could sense my weakness...I wasn't a threat anymore. My life was fading with my fading husband.

It wasn't till three when I finished cleaning up the club and made my way out to the car and home. The roads were almost vacant, and with little traffic I was home quickly. As I opened the door of the Manor, I took note of the silence and the darkness around me. Things really were going back to normal. Phoebe and Paige weren't waiting up for me anymore...no lights were being left on for me...they thought everything was okay. I smiled, glad that they were no longer worried or anxious in their feelings. Setting my jacket and purse down in the front hallway, I walked into the kitchen and turned on a light. It illuminated my surroundings just enough so that I could see where I was going, not that I needed the light. I had memorized the places of every object in the kitchen from my nightly pursuits of tea or water, but the light gave me some sense of comfort. It was my safety net, because in the light it was harder for my dark feelings of sorrow to find me. After taking a few deep breaths I calmly made myself some tea and headed upstairs. The silence suited my mood, and as I walked into my room, a warm cup of tea in my hands, I felt comfort in shedding a few tears. I saw that Wyatt's crib wasn't there, and knew that Phoebe had him in her room. She always took him whenever I was out late so that I wouldn't wake him. Actually finding some comfort in his absence for once, I stripped myself of my clothes and got into my pajamas. Not bothering to brush my teeth or wash my face, I got into bed and sat up, slowly drinking my tea. At four o'clock I set my empty mug down and snuggled fully under the covers of my bed. Exhausted and miserable, I drifted off to sleep.

Groggily opening my eyes, I shifted in bed to look at the clock. Squinting, I made out that it was ten. Sighing heavily, I turned back over and shut my eyes. I knew I had to get up. I had to take care of Wyatt...

"Piper?" I heard the door to my room slowly creak open and I inwardly groaned at the inconvenience. Opening one of my eyes slightly, I saw that Phoebe was standing next to my bed looking down at me.

"Yeah?" I muttered up at her as I closed my eyes again.

"I guess you didn't get home till late," she said, and I grunted in response. "I just wanted to know if you were getting up. I'm going into the office today and Paige was going to go shopping for some interview outfits. She wanted me to tell you that she'd wait for you if you wanted to go with her." I was silent and Phoebe continued. "We were going to meet up for lunch and maybe see a movie later today, it being Saturday and the only day we ever have some free time to spend together."

"Phoebe..." I said groggily, opening both eyes slightly and looking over at her. "I'm just...really tired...I just need some sleep," I said. I think she saw the exhaustion in my features and probably guessed that I wasn't feeling too good, because her features softened and she nodded at me with understanding in her eyes.

"Yeah, sure. I'll take Wyatt to Morris' and we'll bring dinner home later for all of us." Relieved that she was finally leaving, I rolled over in response and listened as Phoebe quietly left the room. A few seconds later, I was sleeping again. The fatigue and low feelings that I had gone to sleep with, woken up with, and again fallen asleep with continued to effect me. Two hours later I woke with a memory of a man in the distance and darkness devouring me. Opening my eyes, I thought back to my dream as my breathing eased, and shook my head in protest of it.

"No..." I whispered, getting up from my tangled bed sheets. "No!" I shouted louder, falling to my knees and letting a few tears escape down my cheeks. "Why am I having these dreams now...again...Why is He haunting me?" Getting up shakily, I made my way into the bathroom to get a shower, and returned to my room a half hour later to get dressed. Still finding my hands shaking, I pulled on some warm clothes and made my way to the kitchen. Upon entering, I saw the pill bottle sitting on top of the cabinet I kept it on. Looking down at my hands, my eyes widened, and I stared back up at the bottle. I...I hadn't taken my medicine last light...or this morning...that was it! Before I could think, I ran towards the cabinet and snatched the bottle down. Emotions overwhelming me, I struggled with the childproof lid until I flung the bottle to the ground in desperation. Falling to the ground myself, I sat there for a few moments breathing heavily with my hands covering my face. Five minutes later I slowly took my hands away and stared at the bottle. Reaching out, I slowly picked it up and calmly twisted the lid open. Inside was my relief. As I stood up I turned the bottle to its side in an attempt to pour out a few pills, and I gasped as it's whole contents spilled onto the counter. Looking behind me, I waited for anyone the come into the kitchen, but no one did. That's right...I was alone. With this thought my eyes widened as I realized I was becoming paranoid again...All because of a hard night and the absence of a few pills? It seemed strange to me, but easily fixable. As I bent forward to sweep the pills back into the bottle a thought struck me. I'd just take a few more pills than usual...it would do me good, and get me out of the terrible mood I was in. I hadn't felt like this since before my sisters took me to Doctor Rune, and I didn't like it. The more pills I took, the quicker my dark feelings would subside. Grabbing a handful of pills, I dropped them into my mouth and washed them down with water before swiping the rest back into the bottle and placing it back on top of the cabinet.

Ten minutes later, as I was finishing up making my tea, my head started to pound. Still, Leo was the farthest from my thoughts, and for that I was grateful. Feeling better, besides the headache, I made my way towards the couch. Only, when I was walking through the front foyer, my legs began to feel unsteady and the ground started to spin. Holding my head with my free hand, I dropped my tea mug and fell to my knees. As the mug fell the glass shattered and cut into me as I fell on top of it. With a final blurry look around me, I fell the remainder of the way to the floor, onto the sharp glass, and sunk into the comfort of unconsciousness.

Colors surrounded me...blue...purple...yellow...and...black...I sunk into a black void and looked up at an approaching shadow. Coming closer...and closer...and closer...until the black figure was right next to me, but I could not see who it was. It was calling something...something my mind refused to hear...

"...Piper...hear my voice...listen to me..." I looked up at the figure as I heard a man's voice...a voice that was so familiar to me, yet so distant. In a second white light emanated from him, and when I opened my eyes I was no longer in a black void. A white mist surrounded me, and in front of me stood Leo. It was different then my other dreams...he wasn't running, I wasn't falling, and I felt no pain or fatigue. I stood there, staring at him with no emotion for some time. Still...I had to be dreaming. I'd begged for him to return to me so many other times and he had never appeared. The closest I could get to him was our son. "...Piper...Do you hear me?" he asked. "I was having trouble reaching you...but you finally heard me!" I stared at him for another second, taking all of this in, before realizing what I had done. In a moment of emotion and madness, I had taken a handful of medication and collapsed.

"..Leo...?" I said tentatively.

"Yeah, it's me," he said, holding his hands out towards me. There was nothing I wanted to do more than run into them, but instead I took a step backwards. Anger rose up inside of me at his sudden appearance, and I wanted nothing more than to get out of his sight. "Stay away from me you bastard," I said fiercely, eying him with distrust. Leo didn't move or react to what I had said, but I saw his pain and another emotion in his eyes...pity?...love?...I couldn't tell. It was so Leo-like...it was the whitelighter in him. No reaction...but every emotion possible coming out of his eyes...and right now, all of that emotion was being directed towards me. Seeing his pain softened me for a moment, until I remembered all the pain he had put me through, and therefore my sisters and our son through.

"Piper...please, hear me out," he said softly, dropping his hands that had been raised out towards me.

"D-...Do..." I started, looking at my feet as I sorted through my thoughts and feelings. "Do you even realize the amount of pain and agony you have put me through?!" I finally shouted, looking up at him with fire in my eyes. "Do you?! I couldn't eat...couldn't sleep...I couldn't even take care of Wyatt the way he needed me to! Paige and Phoebe had to take me to a shrink...A SHRINK! They were that worried and I was that messed up! Hell, I still am messed up! Of course, you probably already knew that considering where I am right now. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MESSED UP I AM?!" Yelling over at Leo, I slowly dropped to the ground, and a moment later I felt his arms around me. "No...don't..." I cried, trying to push him away, but he held on too tightly. Giving in, I sobbed into his shoulder as he pulled my dark hair out of my face and kissed my head. Eventually my sobbing quieted and I snuggled in close to him as he rubbed my back. I knew I shouldn't...I knew it was bad for my mental health...but I still let myself be happy with him. I knew he'd leave, and I'd be left feeling even more awful and more depressed, but at that moment, I didn't care. His strong arms felt so reassuring around me, and I held tight to him and let that comfort wash over me.

"Do you feel better now?" he asked, and I looked up at his gentle eyes.

"A little..." I replied before looking away.

"You know we have to talk," he said, using his hand to turn my face to look at him.

"I know," I replied. "And I don't care, as long as I'm in your arms." I saw him looking down at me, watching, and I knew that whatever he had to say wouldn't be good in the long run. Still, I waited.

"Piper...right now...well, you may have already guessed it, but you're not in the best of shape."

"Yeah...I remember...I remember..." I whispered, thinking back on the pills. "Those pills...they were suppose to help me...sustain me...but..."

"Shhh...don't think back on that now," Leo said gently. "What I'm here for is put you back...back on your rightful path..." My eyes widened and my breathing stopped at this statement as I turned completely around to face my husband. Looking into his eyes, I backed out of his arms and away from him.

"You mean...my path...without you," I spat, my eyes glaring at him.

"Pi-"

"No, Leo!" I said fiercely. "You can't just come back to me like this and play with my head...and my heart! I won't allow it. Tell me...why are you here?! Just tell me and get it over with so that you can leave me again to suffer!"

"I don't want you to suffer Piper...I...I want you to live."

"Well, I am living Leo...and right now I think I'd be happier with death," I spat.

"You don't mean that." Leo countered, and I looked down at my feet. "Piper...right now you are hovering between life and death, and only your strong heart can pull you through this. I've come to set you back on track...to make sure you come out of this, because you can't die yet. It's not your time." I looked up at my husband, who was now standing over me, reaching his hand down towards mine. Slowly, I placed mine into his and allowed him to pull me up.

"Leo...Don't you know what has been going on with me?" I asked, tears forming in my eyes. "I suffer...and every day I wish for only one thing...You." Reaching up my hand, I placed it on his cheek as I looked into his eyes.

"Don't you think I feel the same way?" he asked, and for the first time I saw tears in his eyes as well. "Everyday I suffer...and then I look down to see you in so much pain. I've longed to comfort you...but now as an Elder I am bound even more strongly to the rules that we fought so hard to break. I come to you now because the council has let me, and I have so much to say to you..."

"But you don't know where to begin," I whispered, and he nodded as he put his hands on either side of my face and brought my lips to his. We were both crying when my lips finally slipped off his and our faces were so close that I could feel his breath on my cheek.

"Piper...I-"

"Don't," I said quickly, but calmly. "It will just make it harder."

"I want you to know," Leo continued as he pulled me into his arms. "I love you Piper, and nothing will ever change that."

"I...I love you too," I replied, a new set of tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Please remember Piper, that even though I can't be with you right now, I'm always watching you. Please live on so that I may live through your happiness."

"I'll try," I replied with a sniff as I hugged him tighter. "But it's hard without you."

"It's hard for me without you too," he said, and my face twisted with pain at his words as I backed away to look up at him.

"If it's as hard for you as it is for me, how can you stand to leave?" I asked. "Didn't you think that a meeting like this...would just pull up old memories and give rise to renewed feelings of sorrow?" After a some hesitation, Leo answered.

"I knew it would...but I also knew that you needed another chance, and that without support, you'd slip away. By entering your subconscious I can share my life force with you until your heart is strong and resolute enough to continue on its own."

"It will never be strong enough..." I replied, stepping away and turning my back to Leo. "Leo...I know you want me to live on, but don't you think it might be better this way?" I asked.

"No Piper," he said sternly. "Your life could never be better with death, and neither could the lives of those around you. Think of your sisters...think of your son." With my thoughts turning back to the real world, I turned to Leo, realizing my selfishness.

"You're right," I replied. "But...I don't know how I'll find the strength, knowing that you're out there, but never being able to be in your arms."

"Find the strength in your love of your family," Leo replied, and I wiped the remaining tears away from my eyes as he stepped forward to give me one last hug. "Promise me you'll try," he whispered in my ear.

"I...I promise," I replied as I brushed my lips against his and we shared one last gentle kiss. "Will I ever see you again...?" I asked as our lips broke and I took another look into his passionate gentle eyes.

"I can promise you that," Leo replied. "One day, I'm not sure when, we'll see each other again, and I want you at your full health on that day. You must promise me that."

"I promise," I whispered again, and kept my eyes on his as he floated up and away, eventually leaving me to a dark void and unconsciousness.

TO BE CONTINUED...