Disclaimer: I don't own .Hack. Wish I did but the world is cruel that
way.
A/N: This story takes place during .HackSign and is Mimiru's impression of Subaru and Tsukasa's relationship. Because I found no reason to change it, Tsukasa is a girl in R/L just like the anime. Get over it people. Oh yeah...if you read this story, please be kind enough to review it. Thank you.
# # #
Why Wasn't it Me?
"I don't understand it." That's the only words that seem to slip past my lips. I can't figure it out...and lately I've begun thinking that I may never know. The whole situation doesn't make any sense. And be that as it may, I'm not a jealous person. I'm not. Well okay, maybe just a little. But it's for a totally stupid reason that I'm jealous to begin with.
See, I remember when I first met him; scared, alone and emotionally detached. We were at the bottom of some dungeon or another and I tried to talk to him, ask him if he was okay, but he just pulled out a Sprite Ocarina and vanished from the field. At least he left me the treasure...not that it was really any good. The events of our first meeting seemed to emphasize our entire relationship. No sooner than I'd get him to open up...talk to him about what he was most afraid of, than he'd simply withdraw deeper into his shell. It was tiring work, let me tell you, just trying to get even a remotely civil conversation out of him before he'd tell me 'I was annoying' or just being selfish or something like that. But it was times like that that I just wish he'd trust me. I never wanted to be anything other than his friend, but no matter how hard I tried, he just kept pushing me away. I can't deny that it didn't hurt.
I suppose, thinking back on it now, maybe I was trying too hard. I mean, I guess I was kind of lonely too. I don't have any brothers and sisters, and I guess I have a few friends in the real world, but there are times when I play this game that I just want to hang out with someone...just to talk about some of my problems in life, especially if they don't know me. It's harder to complain about your problems to someone who knows you personally. Okay, maybe I am being selfish...but I honestly think I have a good reason.
I can't even begin to count the endless hours I'd spend talking to him, or looking for him. Sometimes I felt lost when he wasn't there...because I wanted to, I desperately wanted to help him, pull him out of his shell, get him to trust me a little bit. But deep down, he never did, and I know that. And maybe that's why I felt so lonely, even now...even when he was sitting right beside me.
But all the effort I put in to helping him really didn't matter. Because no matter how hard I tried to get him to come around...it wasn't me who did it, it was Subaru. Lady Subaru of the recently disbanded Crimson Knights to be exact. I don't not know how she did it, even thinking about it now as I stare at the two of them sitting under the oak tree, I wonder how she got him to open up so easily, and I'm forced to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand so I can see them better.
Like I said, I'm not a jealous person, but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt. Because I tried so hard, even beyond the point of being smothered by my own frustration, I was there whenever he'd call me, or needed me. I just wanted to be his friend. I never wanted anything romantic, certainly not after Bear told me Tsukasa in the real world was a girl, but is wrong to want more friends? I mean, as I think about everyone working to bring Tsukasa back to the real world, they all, every one of them, has friends within the group, a person they can rely on when they just need to talk. Bear has B.T.; B.T. has Crim, Subaru has Crim, the Silver Knight and a bunch of other followers who worship the ground she walks on. Why'd she have to take Tsukasa? Wasn't I a good enough friend to him in The World?
Okay, so I take it back, I am jealous. But in our group, I'm the odd woman out, the happy-go-lucky, cheery person who talks first and doesn't even consider the consequences. But that's just who I want them to see. No one knows me...not like Tsukasa. And even he didn't know me, but I was sure he would understand me. All the other players in our group are just so much older than I am...well, maybe not Subaru, and definitely not Tsukasa...but what's the point? They have each other; they don't need me tagging along. So who do I have? B.T. doesn't like me and Crim and Silver Knight are impartial towards me. Sure, I guess it could be said Bear is there for me, but he's like my dad, how would he understand any of the problems I face at school...with boys, or just anything at all in my life. So in our little group, as I said, I'm the odd one, the one without the definitive connection many of the others have.
So am I such a horrible person, that after all the time I spent trying to get Tsukasa to open up, he still picked Subaru over me? Does that make me a bad person for being jealous? If I was Tsukasa's friend, shouldn't I be happy for them? Maybe I am happy for them, in some dark recess of my mind I sure I am, but I just wish I was included, that I wasn't so separated from everyone else. All I can do is keep my pasted smile on my face, keep the tears from my eyes, and let everyone believe I'm okay. Sometimes it's better to suffer alone anyway...when no one seems to care.
A/N: This story takes place during .HackSign and is Mimiru's impression of Subaru and Tsukasa's relationship. Because I found no reason to change it, Tsukasa is a girl in R/L just like the anime. Get over it people. Oh yeah...if you read this story, please be kind enough to review it. Thank you.
# # #
Why Wasn't it Me?
"I don't understand it." That's the only words that seem to slip past my lips. I can't figure it out...and lately I've begun thinking that I may never know. The whole situation doesn't make any sense. And be that as it may, I'm not a jealous person. I'm not. Well okay, maybe just a little. But it's for a totally stupid reason that I'm jealous to begin with.
See, I remember when I first met him; scared, alone and emotionally detached. We were at the bottom of some dungeon or another and I tried to talk to him, ask him if he was okay, but he just pulled out a Sprite Ocarina and vanished from the field. At least he left me the treasure...not that it was really any good. The events of our first meeting seemed to emphasize our entire relationship. No sooner than I'd get him to open up...talk to him about what he was most afraid of, than he'd simply withdraw deeper into his shell. It was tiring work, let me tell you, just trying to get even a remotely civil conversation out of him before he'd tell me 'I was annoying' or just being selfish or something like that. But it was times like that that I just wish he'd trust me. I never wanted to be anything other than his friend, but no matter how hard I tried, he just kept pushing me away. I can't deny that it didn't hurt.
I suppose, thinking back on it now, maybe I was trying too hard. I mean, I guess I was kind of lonely too. I don't have any brothers and sisters, and I guess I have a few friends in the real world, but there are times when I play this game that I just want to hang out with someone...just to talk about some of my problems in life, especially if they don't know me. It's harder to complain about your problems to someone who knows you personally. Okay, maybe I am being selfish...but I honestly think I have a good reason.
I can't even begin to count the endless hours I'd spend talking to him, or looking for him. Sometimes I felt lost when he wasn't there...because I wanted to, I desperately wanted to help him, pull him out of his shell, get him to trust me a little bit. But deep down, he never did, and I know that. And maybe that's why I felt so lonely, even now...even when he was sitting right beside me.
But all the effort I put in to helping him really didn't matter. Because no matter how hard I tried to get him to come around...it wasn't me who did it, it was Subaru. Lady Subaru of the recently disbanded Crimson Knights to be exact. I don't not know how she did it, even thinking about it now as I stare at the two of them sitting under the oak tree, I wonder how she got him to open up so easily, and I'm forced to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand so I can see them better.
Like I said, I'm not a jealous person, but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt. Because I tried so hard, even beyond the point of being smothered by my own frustration, I was there whenever he'd call me, or needed me. I just wanted to be his friend. I never wanted anything romantic, certainly not after Bear told me Tsukasa in the real world was a girl, but is wrong to want more friends? I mean, as I think about everyone working to bring Tsukasa back to the real world, they all, every one of them, has friends within the group, a person they can rely on when they just need to talk. Bear has B.T.; B.T. has Crim, Subaru has Crim, the Silver Knight and a bunch of other followers who worship the ground she walks on. Why'd she have to take Tsukasa? Wasn't I a good enough friend to him in The World?
Okay, so I take it back, I am jealous. But in our group, I'm the odd woman out, the happy-go-lucky, cheery person who talks first and doesn't even consider the consequences. But that's just who I want them to see. No one knows me...not like Tsukasa. And even he didn't know me, but I was sure he would understand me. All the other players in our group are just so much older than I am...well, maybe not Subaru, and definitely not Tsukasa...but what's the point? They have each other; they don't need me tagging along. So who do I have? B.T. doesn't like me and Crim and Silver Knight are impartial towards me. Sure, I guess it could be said Bear is there for me, but he's like my dad, how would he understand any of the problems I face at school...with boys, or just anything at all in my life. So in our little group, as I said, I'm the odd one, the one without the definitive connection many of the others have.
So am I such a horrible person, that after all the time I spent trying to get Tsukasa to open up, he still picked Subaru over me? Does that make me a bad person for being jealous? If I was Tsukasa's friend, shouldn't I be happy for them? Maybe I am happy for them, in some dark recess of my mind I sure I am, but I just wish I was included, that I wasn't so separated from everyone else. All I can do is keep my pasted smile on my face, keep the tears from my eyes, and let everyone believe I'm okay. Sometimes it's better to suffer alone anyway...when no one seems to care.