A/N: Well, I watched the HackSign series again and came to a similar
conclusion on Crim that I did for Mimiru in the first chapter. After all
he did for her, why did Subaru choose Tsukasa over him? So, this is his
POV. Not sure if this chapter is any good and I must apologize in advance
if the verb tenses switch from time to time. I'm not very adapt at writing
first person, so I may get a bit mixed up. Again, reviews are greatly
appreciated and inspire me to write more so keep them coming people.
Thanks much.
I don't own .Hack, Ban Dai does and I'm not them.
# # #
Why Wasn't it Me? Chapter 2
Finding reality itself within the confines of an online game is nothing short of amusing, but the fact that I found it...and lost it makes the matter all the more difficult to understand. Sure, in The World I play my character as the thoughtless, action over ideas type of person that is both charismatic and charming. That's not the real me however, and though I wish I could be more like Crim in the real world, I made the decision long ago, when I first started playing this game, that I would keep my two selves separated. A game is a game, and the real world is the real world...the line between those two realities should be clearly defined.
That was the way I played it, the way I wanted it, until I met her. The softly spoken, shy and frightened Heavy Axe whose own perceptions of understanding the online wonder of The World bordered on cluelessness. She was scared, even of me...and was a common target of the less than noble players within this game. That was when I made the conscious decision to look after her, guard her and if at all possible, protect her. I remember still the first days of our relationship, her reservations about adventuring. It seemed she only wanted to make friends, but had no idea how to go about succeeding in her only wish.
She was a delicate China Doll in those days, beautiful yet fragile. I knew she hadn't had an easy life, she was far too reserved to have had anything else but trials and difficulties to face in the real world, but I respected other people's privacy and I wouldn't pry, no matter how much I wanted to help her. No, that's not quite right. I didn't want to help her, I wanted to save her. If I could do that for her, then my own shortcomings in life wouldn't seem so bad. So maybe in some regards I was being selfish. She was a project but much more than that. So much more in fact that it's difficult to explain let alone understand.
I guess in some regard, I found myself loving her...as everyone who has come to know her has done. She is still the fragile China Doll, but there was an inner strength within her that surpassed any courage I had ever been fortunate enough to witness. It wasn't the courage to change the world, it was the courage to fix it...because the world isn't really messed up as badly as everyone believes, it only needs to be straightened out a bit. So yeah, maybe I do love her, but so did all the Crimson Knights. But I thought I was different, special among them. Hmph...another arrogance I suppose.
But the thought of being away from her terrified me so much, that after I quit the knights, I broke my own rule and gave her my phone number. No one had ever had this effect on me to go back on my own validations. But she did, and she did it all without even realizing it, and that was the miracle. I had set out to save her, but in the end, I was the one who was saved.
So why then have I become so introspective? Probably because of the little Wavemaster Tsukasa. I sense in him the same strength I sense in her. In the same way she penetrated my most resilient emotional defenses and made her way into my heart, he had done the same to her, and both succeeded in doing so without even trying. That was something that, despite my best efforts, I was unable to accomplish. There was always that distance that existed between us. I think perhaps she may have thought I pitied her, pitied her inability to walk and her need to meet people. That was never the case, though I'm sure that idea was always present in her thoughts. But it was never an issue with Tsukasa; she let him into her heart without any reservations or restrictions. She trusted him more than she ever trusted me, and it is that truth that hurts the most.
Of course, I am reminded of my favorite phrase, "If you desire to know the truth then you must know that you also need the courage to accept it." The problem that presents itself however is that if I knew the truth before I found out, I never would have sought it. I suppose I have no option but to accept it, though that doesn't make it any less painful, for I am also reminded of another saying that is of less comfort to me. "If you truly love something, set it free. If it returns your love it is yours, but if it does not come back to you, it was never yours."
Watching them sit together, not really talking to one another but saying more than any long-winded conversation could ever communicate, brings the reality to me...for she was never mine. Watching them, I see her smile, her posture more relaxed than any of the countless meetings we have had, and that is the truth that I fear, because I set her free, and although she found her way back, it wasn't to me.
I know I'm happy for her. For me, the real and virtual worlds were separate...an escape from my daily, boring life. But it was always more than that to Subaru; it was a way she could live again despite her disability. She had found that same need within Tsukasa, so it's really no mystery why she chose to be with him. He offered her the illusion of reality within The World that I was unwilling to accept.
For them, they were a means to fill the holes within their own lives, to heal each other; not the mind or body, but each other's souls. So yeah, I'm happy, I'm happy for both of them. Of course it would also be wrong of me to deny the tiny twinge of jealousy I find myself plagued with. I guess, when I really think about it, I'm not jealous for what they have, I'm jealous that it's not me sitting beside her. I'm jealous that despite all my efforts, I wasn't the one to save her.
I can think of a thousand different regrets, a thousand "should have been" and "could have done" but it won't change the fact that she's with him. The fact that, though her character model is that of an angel, he was the one to teach her to fly. When she was troubled, after she disbanded the knights, he was the one she turned to. That the simple truth surrounding her is that, her only reason left for playing The World is because he can't log out. This is the only place she can be with him. That is her motivation and her mission.
I sigh deeply as I realize what all my self-identifying rationalization has determined for me. Like the painfully accurate phrase tells me, I must let her go, for she does not belong to me. She is a shooting star who has it within her to answer only one person's dream. I must respect that, though I don't wish to do so. It boggles my mind some times, how brave I can be. I must give her up, and that may be the most courageous thing I've ever done. Yet, at the same time I cannot deny that that bravery is only a mask to hide my fear and regret. Even if I had the power to turn back time, to do things differently, I wouldn't change a thing. She's happy with him, and despite all I want to tell myself, I could never make her as happy as he makes her now, and though that may not be the best for me, it is the best I can do for her.
Once Tsukasa is able to log out, once he and Subaru meet on the outside, I have my doubts she will find a reason to continue playing the game. I...The World will lose her. But if that is the price of her happiness, I can do nothing but pay it. I have sworn to do all I can to help Tsukasa return to reality, not so much for him, but for Subaru. So every step closer to solving this mystery, we move closer to Tsukasa's freedom, Subaru's salvation and my own private Hell, because love is such a damning thing.
Fin
I don't own .Hack, Ban Dai does and I'm not them.
# # #
Why Wasn't it Me? Chapter 2
Finding reality itself within the confines of an online game is nothing short of amusing, but the fact that I found it...and lost it makes the matter all the more difficult to understand. Sure, in The World I play my character as the thoughtless, action over ideas type of person that is both charismatic and charming. That's not the real me however, and though I wish I could be more like Crim in the real world, I made the decision long ago, when I first started playing this game, that I would keep my two selves separated. A game is a game, and the real world is the real world...the line between those two realities should be clearly defined.
That was the way I played it, the way I wanted it, until I met her. The softly spoken, shy and frightened Heavy Axe whose own perceptions of understanding the online wonder of The World bordered on cluelessness. She was scared, even of me...and was a common target of the less than noble players within this game. That was when I made the conscious decision to look after her, guard her and if at all possible, protect her. I remember still the first days of our relationship, her reservations about adventuring. It seemed she only wanted to make friends, but had no idea how to go about succeeding in her only wish.
She was a delicate China Doll in those days, beautiful yet fragile. I knew she hadn't had an easy life, she was far too reserved to have had anything else but trials and difficulties to face in the real world, but I respected other people's privacy and I wouldn't pry, no matter how much I wanted to help her. No, that's not quite right. I didn't want to help her, I wanted to save her. If I could do that for her, then my own shortcomings in life wouldn't seem so bad. So maybe in some regards I was being selfish. She was a project but much more than that. So much more in fact that it's difficult to explain let alone understand.
I guess in some regard, I found myself loving her...as everyone who has come to know her has done. She is still the fragile China Doll, but there was an inner strength within her that surpassed any courage I had ever been fortunate enough to witness. It wasn't the courage to change the world, it was the courage to fix it...because the world isn't really messed up as badly as everyone believes, it only needs to be straightened out a bit. So yeah, maybe I do love her, but so did all the Crimson Knights. But I thought I was different, special among them. Hmph...another arrogance I suppose.
But the thought of being away from her terrified me so much, that after I quit the knights, I broke my own rule and gave her my phone number. No one had ever had this effect on me to go back on my own validations. But she did, and she did it all without even realizing it, and that was the miracle. I had set out to save her, but in the end, I was the one who was saved.
So why then have I become so introspective? Probably because of the little Wavemaster Tsukasa. I sense in him the same strength I sense in her. In the same way she penetrated my most resilient emotional defenses and made her way into my heart, he had done the same to her, and both succeeded in doing so without even trying. That was something that, despite my best efforts, I was unable to accomplish. There was always that distance that existed between us. I think perhaps she may have thought I pitied her, pitied her inability to walk and her need to meet people. That was never the case, though I'm sure that idea was always present in her thoughts. But it was never an issue with Tsukasa; she let him into her heart without any reservations or restrictions. She trusted him more than she ever trusted me, and it is that truth that hurts the most.
Of course, I am reminded of my favorite phrase, "If you desire to know the truth then you must know that you also need the courage to accept it." The problem that presents itself however is that if I knew the truth before I found out, I never would have sought it. I suppose I have no option but to accept it, though that doesn't make it any less painful, for I am also reminded of another saying that is of less comfort to me. "If you truly love something, set it free. If it returns your love it is yours, but if it does not come back to you, it was never yours."
Watching them sit together, not really talking to one another but saying more than any long-winded conversation could ever communicate, brings the reality to me...for she was never mine. Watching them, I see her smile, her posture more relaxed than any of the countless meetings we have had, and that is the truth that I fear, because I set her free, and although she found her way back, it wasn't to me.
I know I'm happy for her. For me, the real and virtual worlds were separate...an escape from my daily, boring life. But it was always more than that to Subaru; it was a way she could live again despite her disability. She had found that same need within Tsukasa, so it's really no mystery why she chose to be with him. He offered her the illusion of reality within The World that I was unwilling to accept.
For them, they were a means to fill the holes within their own lives, to heal each other; not the mind or body, but each other's souls. So yeah, I'm happy, I'm happy for both of them. Of course it would also be wrong of me to deny the tiny twinge of jealousy I find myself plagued with. I guess, when I really think about it, I'm not jealous for what they have, I'm jealous that it's not me sitting beside her. I'm jealous that despite all my efforts, I wasn't the one to save her.
I can think of a thousand different regrets, a thousand "should have been" and "could have done" but it won't change the fact that she's with him. The fact that, though her character model is that of an angel, he was the one to teach her to fly. When she was troubled, after she disbanded the knights, he was the one she turned to. That the simple truth surrounding her is that, her only reason left for playing The World is because he can't log out. This is the only place she can be with him. That is her motivation and her mission.
I sigh deeply as I realize what all my self-identifying rationalization has determined for me. Like the painfully accurate phrase tells me, I must let her go, for she does not belong to me. She is a shooting star who has it within her to answer only one person's dream. I must respect that, though I don't wish to do so. It boggles my mind some times, how brave I can be. I must give her up, and that may be the most courageous thing I've ever done. Yet, at the same time I cannot deny that that bravery is only a mask to hide my fear and regret. Even if I had the power to turn back time, to do things differently, I wouldn't change a thing. She's happy with him, and despite all I want to tell myself, I could never make her as happy as he makes her now, and though that may not be the best for me, it is the best I can do for her.
Once Tsukasa is able to log out, once he and Subaru meet on the outside, I have my doubts she will find a reason to continue playing the game. I...The World will lose her. But if that is the price of her happiness, I can do nothing but pay it. I have sworn to do all I can to help Tsukasa return to reality, not so much for him, but for Subaru. So every step closer to solving this mystery, we move closer to Tsukasa's freedom, Subaru's salvation and my own private Hell, because love is such a damning thing.
Fin