Remy blew up the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution or GI Joe characters. Well for those of you who wanted some weird Rogue/Gambit romance and fun, here you go. Blame all the coffee I had on vacation for this piece of nonsense.
Gambit Vs. Mr. Cuddles
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGHHH!" Kurt screamed in the study.
"What the hell is that?" Warren jumped when he heard the noise in the kitchen. John was with him.
"Calm down Angel," Rogue walked by with Remy. "That's just Kurt doing some primal scream therapy."
"Is that a joke?" John asked as he held his ears. "It sounds like he's being tortured up there!"
"Well Psyche-Out is directing the session," Remy snickered.
"Okay could somebody please explain to me why Xavier thinks it's necessary for the GI Joe shrink to come over here and try and conduct therapy sessions with us?" John asked.
"Well we've all been through quite a lot," Warren sighed.
"Yeah this year alone I've been possessed, betrayed, shot at, harassed, had my evil mother die and come back to life on me and just freaking gone off the wall," Rogue sighed. "To say I have issues is an understatement."
"The Professor thought that it would do us all good to get some counseling," Remy shrugged. "Trouble is that with all the hoo-ha up in Washington about Mutant Registration and Mutant rights…"
"Not to mention all the lawsuits…" Rogue added.
"Anyway it's impossible for him to do all the counseling himself," Remy continued. "And since the only therapist willing to go near this place is Psyche…"
Another scream made John jump. "Oh yeah this really helps."
"The man is crazier than his patients!" Rogue groaned. "And considering a lot of them are Joes and Misfits that's an achievement in itself! I hate this! I don't wanna go to this session!"
"Session?" John asked. "Don't tell me you have to go too?"
"Both of us are going," Remy shrugged. "Kind of a couple's therapy thing."
"You agreed to this?" Warren asked.
"Not exactly," Remy grunted.
"It was a choice between us or Logan and Jinx having the therapy," Rogue sighed. "Guess who lost the toss before it even began?"
"Ouch…" John winced. "Tough break."
"I'd love to break him," Rogue groaned. "It makes me wish I had Kurt's session!"
"What kind of session is it?" John asked. "How weird can it be?"
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"This is so weird…" Rogue groaned. "Do I have to say it?"
"Yes," Psyche-Out told her. "You know it helps subconsciously."
"I swear if you have a hidden camera and you let anybody see this…" Rogue snarled as she held the fuzzy pink kitten doll in her bare hands. She sighed and started to pet it. "I like myself. I like myself and people like me."
"That's good Rogue," Psyche-Out nodded. "Keep going."
"I like myself and people like me," Rogue sighed as she petted the toy animal. "I like myself and people like me. I like myself and people like me. I like…TO RIP THIS STUPID CAT TO SHREDS!" Rogue then tore the doll's head off and threw the stuffing all over the room while screaming.
"Very good Rogue," Psyche-Out said calmly. "You actually did it over a minute this time. You're getting better."
"AT WHAT? FLIPPING OUT?" Rogue snapped at him. "What is the point of all this?"
"Rogue even though you can't touch people with your mutation, you shouldn't be denied the simple act of touch," Psyche-Out said. "That's what this therapy is for. To provide you with some comfort and physical stimulation."
"Gambit could do that," Remy grinned. "Provide you with physical stimulation that is."
"Good I could use an extra punching bag!" Rogue snapped at him.
"Now Rogue we all know that you being hostile to Remy here is your way of trying to protect him from your powers," Psyche-Out said. "It is your way of venting frustration. I think I have something that can help you with that."
"Is it a baseball bat?" Rogue asked as Psyche-Out rummaged around a large bag. "That will help!"
"You know you want me Chere," Remy winked.
"Yeah preferably in a body bag!" Rogue glared at him.
"This is Mr. Cuddles," Psyche-Out held up a large round yellow doll with a huge face and beaming smile.
"Mr. Cuddles?" Rogue looked as if he was holding a rattlesnake in his hand.
"I've seen those things in stores," Remy huffed. "Those dolls made out of shapes with names like Miss Huffy or Mr. Happy or something like that."
"Yes well this one has been slightly modified," Psyche-Out said. "It has the exact same texture and feel of human skin, but it's completely inorganic."
"You saying this thing actually feels like a person?" Remy blinked.
"Well it's not anatomically correct obviously but other than that it feels just like a human being," Psyche-Out handed it to Rogue. "Try it."
"I feel so stupid…" She took it in her bare hands, being careful not to touch Psyche-Out. She blinked. "Wow. This thing is soft."
"See?" Psyche-Out grinned.
"It does feel real," Rogue gently stroked it.
"Let me see it," Remy reached for it.
"NO!" Rogue pulled it away from him. "It's mine!"
"O-kay…" Remy blinked at her sudden possessiveness.
"I think we should let Rogue have her doll," Psyche-Out said. "Let her try it out for a week or so."
"Remy not liking where this is going," Remy glared as he saw Rogue cuddling the doll.
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"AGGGGHH! AAAAGGGH!" Kurt screamed.
"AGGGHH! AAGGGH!" Scott screamed too.
"AGGH! WILL YOU BOTH KNOCK IT OFF?" Jean shouted. "Do you boys have to do your therapy during lunch?" Nearly all the X-Men students were having lunch in the kitchen.
"We weren't doing our therapy," Scott coughed and swallowed a drink of water. "We took a bite out of Kitty's casserole here!"
"Big mistake…" Kurt moaned.
"It's a vegetable fritatta!" Kitty snapped.
"It's horrible that's what it is," Scott moaned.
"Scott it cannot be that bad," Jean took a forkful and put it in her mouth. "AGGGHH!"
"Too many hot peppers and garlic?" Kitty asked.
"That and the pickles/cream cheese combination," Jean winced.
"So you're doing the scream therapy too huh?" Ray turned to Scott in order to change the subject. "How's that going?"
"Not bad actually," Scott said. "Psyche-Out thinks I'm too repressed."
"Imagine that," Bobby snickered.
Scott gave him a glare before continuing. "He says that one way of dealing with my feelings is that by picking a time of day to think about something that really bothers me and screaming about it will help me deal with it. It will make me feel better."
"Does it work?" Ray asked.
That was when the Misfits teleported in. "Hey guys!" Todd waved. "Whazzup!"
"AGGGGGHHHHHH!" Scott screamed. Then he looked at the Misfits. "Nope they're still here."
"Very funny," Lance looked at him.
"You're right it was immature of me," Scott said. "Here have a fritatta." He cut a piece for them.
"Nice try Summers but we can tell Kitty made that a mile away," Wanda said.
"How could you tell?" Kitty asked.
"Usually fritattas aren't pink in the middle," Fred pointed out.
"I thought the strawberries would be a nice touch," Kitty shrugged.
"What are you people doing here?" Scott groaned as he felt very nauseous.
"We came here for some free food but looking back on in now that was a stupid idea," Spyder remarked.
"Why don't you just get a life Gambit!" Rogue stomped in carrying her doll.
"Funny thing for a person carrying a stupid toy to say!" Remy shouted as he burst in after her.
"Then again you can't beat the entertainment around here," Pietro remarked.
"I don't know what your problem is but you'd better get over it!" Rogue snapped.
"My problem? You've been hanging on to that stupid thing nearly everywhere you go for days!" Remy shouted. "I wouldn't be surprised if you took it to Danger Room practice!"
"It's part of my therapy Swamp Rat!" Rogue snapped.
"Therapy?" Wanda asked. "Let me guess, Psyche-Out huh?"
"Pretty obvious it's his handiwork," Lance shrugged. "Wait this is that realistic skin doll right?"
"How did you know?" Rogue asked him.
"Psyche told me the other day in therapy," Lance shrugged.
"So much for patient confidentiality," Rogue groaned. "Look it's just nice to touch something that makes me feel, well…Actually it's nice for me to touch anything really."
"Oh I get it," Althea said. "Gambit here is feeling threatened."
"I AM NOT!" Remy snapped.
"Yeah right," Lance laughed.
"Don't you have to do something humiliating to prove your love to Kitty?" Remy growled at him.
"At least I'm not jealous of a doll," Lance snickered.
"I AM NOT JEALOUS OF A DOLL!" Remy shouted.
" Of course you're jealous! It's getting more action than you are," Todd snickered.
"THAT'S IT!" Remy reached for his cards. "I'M GONNA…" He fumbled around in his pocket. "Where are my cards?"
"You mean these?" Rogue held them up. "You're not the only one who can pickpocket Swamp Rat."
"Hey!" Remy said. "Give 'em back!"
"When you learn to act your age," She told him as she cuddled her doll.
"I'm not gonna say a word," Pietro said.
"Smart move," Wanda told him. "So that doll is really nice huh?"
"I know it's kind of silly but it is comforting," Rogue told her. "I mean I've gone without touching someone for so long I've forgotten what it really feels like."
"I could show you if you weren't so hung up," Remy pouted.
"Yeah and get the life sucked out of you in the process," Todd reminded him.
"Well its ridiculous anyway!" Remy snapped. "How the hell is that thing supposed to help our relationship if she spends more time with it than me?"
"Ever hear of the phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Rogue told him.
"There's nothing wrong with having a cherished toy to make you feel better," Fred said. "I have Mr. Peepers my bear, Todd has a frog named Hopper, Wanda's got Mr. Stupid…"
"What are you dating Lance now?" Tabitha quipped.
"Very funny!" Lance glared at her.
"It's a cat Shipwreck and Althea gave me," Wanda said.
"It used to be my doll," Althea told them. "I gave it to her so Wanda would feel like part of the family."
"You never gave me anything!" Pietro snapped.
"You're lucky we let you live inside the house," Wanda snapped.
"Yeah and Lance has that baby blanket of…ummmph!" Todd's mouth was muffled by Lance slamming his hand over it.
"What was that?" Peter's ears perked up.
"Nothing!" Lance said quickly. "You know how Toad makes things up!"
"Hey that's funny," Bobby said. "Because I know for a fact that Scott has one toooooooo!" Scott clamped his hand over his mouth and stopped him.
"Bobby there's no reason for you to tell lies like Toad!" Scott said sharply.
"Yes you two shouldn't make up stuff like that!" Lance said. "Summers would never have something like that!"
"Yes and neither would Alvers," Scott agreed quickly. He changed the subject. "So that doll is really working out for you Rogue?"
"Well it's just nice to touch something without worrying about if I'm gonna hurt it or not," Rogue shrugged. "Maybe I am going a little overboard but it just feels so good."
"Which is more than Gambit's been able to do," Pietro snickered.
"THAT'S IT!" Remy screamed. "YOU ARE GONNA PAY FOR THAT BOY!" He grabbed the first thing he could and charged it. Unfortunately it turned out to be Mr. Cuddles. Remy didn't realize it until he had thrown it at Pietro, who used his speed to get out of the way.
BOOM!
Soon the table had been destroyed and food was all over the kitchen. "Way to go Gambit," Kurt moaned as he was covered in food. "You blew up all our food!"
"Except for Kitty's fritatta," Ray pointed out.
"Not even a dent on that baby," Todd whistled.
"Okay maybe I did mess up the recipe a little," Kitty admitted.
"Remy…" Rogue growled as stuffing fell all around them like snow.
"Uh oh…" Remy gulped when he saw Rogue's face.
"YOU BLEW UP MR.CUDDLES!" Rogue screamed. "YOU DESTROYED THE CLOSEST THING I HAD TO SOMEONE TOUCHING ME IN A LONG TIME! YOU ARE GONNA PAY!"
"I'd run if I were you," Pietro told Remy. Which he did.
"COME BACK HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!" Rogue shouted as she chased him all over the kitchen.
"I don't believe this," Jean remarked.
"Yeah that thing must be tougher than adamantium," Bobby referred to the fritatta.
"You know I think we can make a pretty good defensive weapon out of this," Forge suggested.
"Yeah I know Gambit could use a good defense right about now," Wanda remarked.
Rogue had caught up to Remy and was now whacking him with a pepperoni stick. "You no good selfish little…" Rogue snapped as she mercilessly pounded him.
"We gotta stop her!" Ray said.
"Yeah I was gonna have that pepperoni for a snack later!" Kurt shouted.
"Whoa! Whoa! Rogue time out!" Fred grabbed her arm. "There's no need to waste good food like that!"
"Fine I'll strangle him with my bare hands!" Rogue screamed.
"Rogue! Rogue no!" Scott shouted. "I'm sure Gambit didn't mean to blow up your doll."
"The hell I didn't," Remy grunted as he squirmed away. "That stupid thing was ruining my love life!"
"What love life?" Pietro quipped.
"Why you little…" Remy reached for Pietro but was grabbed again by Rogue. "I mean come on Chere! Why you waste your time on a doll when you got Gambit to love?"
"I think you've just answered your own question," Pietro remarked.
"Will somebody please shut him up!" Remy shouted.
"Fine right after I shut you up!" Rogue snapped making a fist.
"Wait Rogue! I got an idea!" Todd piped up. "I know how Gambit can make up for this!"
"You do?" Remy blinked.
"Yeah I mean Remy was jealous cause you could touch the doll but not him right?" Todd scratched his head. "So maybe we could do something to make him feel like he's helping you?"
"Like what?" Rogue asked.
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Later that day John and Warren were walking down the halls. "I don't know what made that mess in the kitchen but when I find those kids…" John grunted.
They heard several screams and ran to the source. There was Fred, Kurt, Lance, and Scott sitting in a circle screaming. "Now that was good," Fred remarked. "But a little louder next time. Let the anger and frustration flow."
"AGGGHHH!" Scott screamed.
"AGGGHHH!" Kurt screamed as well.
"Great now everybody's screaming," John groaned as they walked away.
"I feel like screaming myself," Warren sighed.
Then Forge and the Triplets walked by carrying something that looked like a pink and yellow omelet in tongs. They had protective clothing on. "Well it did really well in the laser scenario," Forge remarked. "Now let's find some missiles to really give this baby a workout!"
"We know where we can get some!" Brittany said.
"Yeah the codes for the missile launchers outside are a cinch!" Daria said.
"If this works we can have Kitty make more!" Quinn said.
"What the heck are they doing?" Warren asked as they left.
"The bigger question is what are they doing?" John pointed.
"Come on Remy, you promised me a walk in the garden and you're gonna do it whether you like it or not!" Rogue snapped.
"I've heard of being someone's teddy bear but this is ridiculous!" Remy snapped. He was covered head to toe in a bear costume complete with paws. Rogue was holding onto one of them with her bare hand. "I am gonna kill Toad for this!"
"Hey for once he had a good idea!" Rogue snapped. "This makes us even for you destroying Mr. Cuddles!"
"This is not my idea of dressing up for a date!" Remy protested. "I understand the gloves but please let me out of this! This isn't funny!"
"On the contrary this is quite hilarious!" Pietro zoomed by and took a picture. "Toodles!" He zipped off.
"QUICKSILVER!" Remy screamed as he tried to run away. "Please let me hurt him!"
"You're staying in that bear suit and that's it!" Rogue snapped as she led him down the hall past Warren and John. "You wanted more 'hands on' experience with me well by gum you are gonna have it whether you like it or not! Now shut up and act cute!"
"Do you have any clue what's going on?" John asked Warren when they left. "Cause I sure don't!"
"Why did we come to live here?" Warren asked in a dazed voice. "We never know what's going on!"
"Beats the hell out of me," John shook his head. "Something about fitting in with people like us."
"I'm not so sure I want to anymore," Warren moaned.