James was collapsed in a nearby chair, biting his bottom lip. He felt an intense weight in the pit of his stomach and he knew what he had done was uncalled for. He was just curious but that was enough to ruin the newfound friendship. James still felt incredibly cold and he began shivering. It was that look Lily gave him, that look sent chills throughout his body. Without Lily's warming presence, James felt alone. 'Now I know how Lily feels to be alone.'
Sirius sighed and looked at James, worried. James' eyes were unfocused and he was absently running his fingers through his hair. He was biting his bottom lip hard, as he did when he was thinking. He was taking this the hardest. Earning Lily's trust was hard, but loosing it was just so simple. 'I'll never understand girls.'
Remus rubbed his eyes and yawned. They had been sitting in the common room for a good ten minutes after Lily's abrupt departure. Sitting in silence. No one spoke, no one dared even breathe loudly. He knew each one of them felt guilty--their guilt was a burden already. The common room was empty except for the Marauders and Remus was glad for the absence of the other Gryffindors. He wasn't in the mood for questioning, especially from Sirius and James' fan club who would probably be worried if they saw the boys now. Remus rested his head on the arm of a couch and closed his eyes, sleep slowly consuming him. 'I'll never forgive myself.'
Peter was already snoring. The thought of Lily being angry with the Marauders played happily in his mind like a movie scene. Even if Lily didn't give him the glare that he broke under--he would have eagerly told her that it was James who read the diary. Peter knew they couldn't blame him for what had happened. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't take Lily's merciless glare. His plan worked perfectly. Lily hated the Marauders and now he wasn't left out of the cold anymore. Always pushed aside in conversations where the topic was mainly about Lily. Lily this, Lily that, constantly questioning her well being, following her around. Peter was sick of it. 'I'm so proud of myself.'
Lily could hardly control her anger. She felt the blood beneath her skin boil and thought for a moment that she might have been on fire. She trusted them and they abused that trust. She couldn't believe that. She was glad she decided to choose to keep her solitude and that recent incident with the Marauders kept her decision firm in her mind. She could hear the heavy breathing from the girls in her dorm and wondered why she wasn't sleeping. Her body felt drained, emotionally but perhaps not physically yet. She wasn't tired. Another case of insomnia.
Her diary lay on her bed, open to the newest poem she had written for Chris. Writing. That was her release. She would not resort to suicide as Chris did. Although, he too did write, his emotions could not and would not betray him. They stayed deep within his heart while he cried meaningless tears. The sorrow was there in his words but Lily poured much more than that into her writing. Lily poured her soul into her writing. She wrote nearly every hour--her diary more than three-fourths filled with poetry and entries that exposed everything. She sighed and silently cursed herself for leaving the diary in the common room. She could only imagine what the Marauders thought of her now. She bit her tongue and played with the quill that was present in her hand, tapping it against the pages. Thoughts were rushing through her mind and she needed to write, to get rid of everything so her mind was as empty as her heart.
'Her cries ring out in my dreams, echoes of solitude piercing silence. She is alone, too caught up with her depression to see that she has let the world slip away. She's far too sad to be alone in misery, contemplating life. Yet none dare go near this magnificent creature, whose poetry stuns those who read. She's too sad for them, afraid of becoming devoured by her sorrow. But just by reading the words this creature produces, it's already pulling you into her grasps. Her words are so powerful and moving that it could leave one in tears. But no one notices that quiet girl, alone in a corner crying miserably. No one notices the scars or the emotions she pours into her poetry. No one ever notices. Could it be she's invisible to none who care? Her eyes blink back the threatening tears as misery consumes her dying, broken soul. Her hollow voice destroys the silence of everlasting heartache. Slit veins with the shattered pieces of her heart. Her words are meaningless to you. Her emotions are feelings to toy with. I pity you, who take pleasure in her pain Don't you know what it feels like? Forever falling, forever dying. She is alone. Will she ever be noticed? Will she ever be free? Never If we pretend that girl is me.'
There. The thoughts had made a silent truce with Lily and allowed themselves to be bind to the paper, eternally. There was no possibility for the thoughts to ever be erased and Lily knew that. Thoughts merged with paper as emotions merged with ink. Tears, Lily's tears were like her ink. She cried but not often. Her crying was her writing and Lily thought if that was true than she cried an awful lot. It seemed her life was always read between the lines.
James looked around the empty common room and saw his three best friends fast asleep. He sighed and wished he could sleep too. Not knowing there was another who wished the same. Insomnia came often to him these days and he always found himself sitting in the common room by a dying fire, waiting for the sun to arise from its slumber. The Marauders did not notice his unusual behavior and he hid it well from everyone else.
He was slightly angered at Lily's actions and wondered why she didn't let him explain. He only read it so he could help--he wanted to know more about her. This was the girl that intrigued him, the girl that was so different from anyone else that it mystified him and he wanted to know why. He never felt this way around girls before and they flocked all over him. He was only fourteen and yet he had been dating since he was twelve and had more girlfriends than half the guys in the school. James sighed and knew Lily probably only thought of him as someone who used girls. 'She must have noticed how different I was around her. I was caring and I was concerned. She saw that. What does she have against me?' James was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice Remus stirring from his sleep.
"James?" Remus whispered, "You okay?" James nodded and looked at Remus. Remus was shocked to see James seemed extremely troubled.
"Your a terrible liar. Remember before Lily said, 'your emotions betray you.'" James looked sad at Remus' mention of Lily. Remus noticed and apologized and James shrugged nonchalantly.
"James, you know we all are feeling guilty about this. It's our own fault. We betrayed Lily by reading her diary--that's the only place she can confide in and you took that confidence away from her. I feel bad enough by allowing you to read it but I did and it's my fault as much as any of us."
"Peter doesn't feel guilty--he gave us away. He smiled at her when she asked!" James said bitterly.
"I know...I saw," Remus said a bit apprehensively, "He's..changed. Peter...I don't know. Maybe he just was feeling left out. We have been talking about Lily a lot lately. We should really pay attention to each other more." James nodded. Remus always knew the right things to say. The two sat in silence for a while and didn't hear the portrait hole opening and quietly closing.
The morning dawned like all the others and Sirius and Peter were awaken by the rays of light streaming in through the windows. James and Remus had been up most of the night talking about everything; Lily, what they would do when they finally could turn into Animagis, past pranks, and girlfriends.
"Mornin'," Sirius said as he tried to stifle a yawn.
"Mornin' Sirius, sleep well?" Remus asked, grinning slightly. Sirius had been asleep in a chair and was muttering in his sleep about his newest girlfriend, Ashlynn.
"Why?" Sirius questioned suspiciously.
"Oh, Ashlynn! Ashlynn! Let's snog! Please?" James said, mocking Sirius. Sirius turned a bright shade of red.
"I..did I..?" he asked meekly. Remus and James roared with laughter. Peter smiled. Things were back to the way they were.
"God, you guys could wake a sleeping hippogriff with that laughter of yours," Ashlynn said, appearing from the girls' dormitory. Ashlynn was the fifth Gryffindor fourth year, sharing a dorm with Lily and the others. But she didn't enjoy tormenting Lily and kept mostly to herself and the Marauders. She felt bad for Lily but didn't decide to press the matter and make it worse for herself and Lily.
"Good morning, sunshine!" Sirius said greeting her warmly. James and Remus snickered.
"C'mon let's go to breakfast," Peter suggested hopefully, he was starving.
"Great! I'm hungry!" Sirius said, rubbing his stomach, which in turn growled in hunger.
James rolled his eyes, "You're always sleeping. You guys go ahead...I'll be done in a little bit," he said. Remus gave him a strange look and stayed behind a minute after Sirius, Ashlynn, and Peter went out the portrait hole.
"What's wrong James?"
"Nothing--I just...I want to apologize to Lily. I'd rather do it here than in front of the entire Gryffindor tower." Remus nodded in understanding and soon left. James sat down in front of the fire, it was crackling loudly and covered James in warmth. He sighed in content and waited for Lily to come down from the girls' dorm.
Minutes passed and many of the Gryffindors were up and heading towards the Great Hall for breakfast. After it seemed like everyone else was gone--Rhenna, Taren, and Cleo came down the stairs from the fourth year dorm. They weren't followed by Lily. Rhenna gave James a cold glare and marched straight through the common room without speaking to him, he looked confused but didn't hang on it.
"Lily's not in bed," Cleo said, "I don't know where she is. She wasn't there when we woke up this morning."
"Thanks, Cleo," James said before he got up and left the common room. He headed towards the Great Hall in search of Lily.
Sirius sighed and looked at James, worried. James' eyes were unfocused and he was absently running his fingers through his hair. He was biting his bottom lip hard, as he did when he was thinking. He was taking this the hardest. Earning Lily's trust was hard, but loosing it was just so simple. 'I'll never understand girls.'
Remus rubbed his eyes and yawned. They had been sitting in the common room for a good ten minutes after Lily's abrupt departure. Sitting in silence. No one spoke, no one dared even breathe loudly. He knew each one of them felt guilty--their guilt was a burden already. The common room was empty except for the Marauders and Remus was glad for the absence of the other Gryffindors. He wasn't in the mood for questioning, especially from Sirius and James' fan club who would probably be worried if they saw the boys now. Remus rested his head on the arm of a couch and closed his eyes, sleep slowly consuming him. 'I'll never forgive myself.'
Peter was already snoring. The thought of Lily being angry with the Marauders played happily in his mind like a movie scene. Even if Lily didn't give him the glare that he broke under--he would have eagerly told her that it was James who read the diary. Peter knew they couldn't blame him for what had happened. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't take Lily's merciless glare. His plan worked perfectly. Lily hated the Marauders and now he wasn't left out of the cold anymore. Always pushed aside in conversations where the topic was mainly about Lily. Lily this, Lily that, constantly questioning her well being, following her around. Peter was sick of it. 'I'm so proud of myself.'
Lily could hardly control her anger. She felt the blood beneath her skin boil and thought for a moment that she might have been on fire. She trusted them and they abused that trust. She couldn't believe that. She was glad she decided to choose to keep her solitude and that recent incident with the Marauders kept her decision firm in her mind. She could hear the heavy breathing from the girls in her dorm and wondered why she wasn't sleeping. Her body felt drained, emotionally but perhaps not physically yet. She wasn't tired. Another case of insomnia.
Her diary lay on her bed, open to the newest poem she had written for Chris. Writing. That was her release. She would not resort to suicide as Chris did. Although, he too did write, his emotions could not and would not betray him. They stayed deep within his heart while he cried meaningless tears. The sorrow was there in his words but Lily poured much more than that into her writing. Lily poured her soul into her writing. She wrote nearly every hour--her diary more than three-fourths filled with poetry and entries that exposed everything. She sighed and silently cursed herself for leaving the diary in the common room. She could only imagine what the Marauders thought of her now. She bit her tongue and played with the quill that was present in her hand, tapping it against the pages. Thoughts were rushing through her mind and she needed to write, to get rid of everything so her mind was as empty as her heart.
'Her cries ring out in my dreams, echoes of solitude piercing silence. She is alone, too caught up with her depression to see that she has let the world slip away. She's far too sad to be alone in misery, contemplating life. Yet none dare go near this magnificent creature, whose poetry stuns those who read. She's too sad for them, afraid of becoming devoured by her sorrow. But just by reading the words this creature produces, it's already pulling you into her grasps. Her words are so powerful and moving that it could leave one in tears. But no one notices that quiet girl, alone in a corner crying miserably. No one notices the scars or the emotions she pours into her poetry. No one ever notices. Could it be she's invisible to none who care? Her eyes blink back the threatening tears as misery consumes her dying, broken soul. Her hollow voice destroys the silence of everlasting heartache. Slit veins with the shattered pieces of her heart. Her words are meaningless to you. Her emotions are feelings to toy with. I pity you, who take pleasure in her pain Don't you know what it feels like? Forever falling, forever dying. She is alone. Will she ever be noticed? Will she ever be free? Never If we pretend that girl is me.'
There. The thoughts had made a silent truce with Lily and allowed themselves to be bind to the paper, eternally. There was no possibility for the thoughts to ever be erased and Lily knew that. Thoughts merged with paper as emotions merged with ink. Tears, Lily's tears were like her ink. She cried but not often. Her crying was her writing and Lily thought if that was true than she cried an awful lot. It seemed her life was always read between the lines.
James looked around the empty common room and saw his three best friends fast asleep. He sighed and wished he could sleep too. Not knowing there was another who wished the same. Insomnia came often to him these days and he always found himself sitting in the common room by a dying fire, waiting for the sun to arise from its slumber. The Marauders did not notice his unusual behavior and he hid it well from everyone else.
He was slightly angered at Lily's actions and wondered why she didn't let him explain. He only read it so he could help--he wanted to know more about her. This was the girl that intrigued him, the girl that was so different from anyone else that it mystified him and he wanted to know why. He never felt this way around girls before and they flocked all over him. He was only fourteen and yet he had been dating since he was twelve and had more girlfriends than half the guys in the school. James sighed and knew Lily probably only thought of him as someone who used girls. 'She must have noticed how different I was around her. I was caring and I was concerned. She saw that. What does she have against me?' James was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice Remus stirring from his sleep.
"James?" Remus whispered, "You okay?" James nodded and looked at Remus. Remus was shocked to see James seemed extremely troubled.
"Your a terrible liar. Remember before Lily said, 'your emotions betray you.'" James looked sad at Remus' mention of Lily. Remus noticed and apologized and James shrugged nonchalantly.
"James, you know we all are feeling guilty about this. It's our own fault. We betrayed Lily by reading her diary--that's the only place she can confide in and you took that confidence away from her. I feel bad enough by allowing you to read it but I did and it's my fault as much as any of us."
"Peter doesn't feel guilty--he gave us away. He smiled at her when she asked!" James said bitterly.
"I know...I saw," Remus said a bit apprehensively, "He's..changed. Peter...I don't know. Maybe he just was feeling left out. We have been talking about Lily a lot lately. We should really pay attention to each other more." James nodded. Remus always knew the right things to say. The two sat in silence for a while and didn't hear the portrait hole opening and quietly closing.
The morning dawned like all the others and Sirius and Peter were awaken by the rays of light streaming in through the windows. James and Remus had been up most of the night talking about everything; Lily, what they would do when they finally could turn into Animagis, past pranks, and girlfriends.
"Mornin'," Sirius said as he tried to stifle a yawn.
"Mornin' Sirius, sleep well?" Remus asked, grinning slightly. Sirius had been asleep in a chair and was muttering in his sleep about his newest girlfriend, Ashlynn.
"Why?" Sirius questioned suspiciously.
"Oh, Ashlynn! Ashlynn! Let's snog! Please?" James said, mocking Sirius. Sirius turned a bright shade of red.
"I..did I..?" he asked meekly. Remus and James roared with laughter. Peter smiled. Things were back to the way they were.
"God, you guys could wake a sleeping hippogriff with that laughter of yours," Ashlynn said, appearing from the girls' dormitory. Ashlynn was the fifth Gryffindor fourth year, sharing a dorm with Lily and the others. But she didn't enjoy tormenting Lily and kept mostly to herself and the Marauders. She felt bad for Lily but didn't decide to press the matter and make it worse for herself and Lily.
"Good morning, sunshine!" Sirius said greeting her warmly. James and Remus snickered.
"C'mon let's go to breakfast," Peter suggested hopefully, he was starving.
"Great! I'm hungry!" Sirius said, rubbing his stomach, which in turn growled in hunger.
James rolled his eyes, "You're always sleeping. You guys go ahead...I'll be done in a little bit," he said. Remus gave him a strange look and stayed behind a minute after Sirius, Ashlynn, and Peter went out the portrait hole.
"What's wrong James?"
"Nothing--I just...I want to apologize to Lily. I'd rather do it here than in front of the entire Gryffindor tower." Remus nodded in understanding and soon left. James sat down in front of the fire, it was crackling loudly and covered James in warmth. He sighed in content and waited for Lily to come down from the girls' dorm.
Minutes passed and many of the Gryffindors were up and heading towards the Great Hall for breakfast. After it seemed like everyone else was gone--Rhenna, Taren, and Cleo came down the stairs from the fourth year dorm. They weren't followed by Lily. Rhenna gave James a cold glare and marched straight through the common room without speaking to him, he looked confused but didn't hang on it.
"Lily's not in bed," Cleo said, "I don't know where she is. She wasn't there when we woke up this morning."
"Thanks, Cleo," James said before he got up and left the common room. He headed towards the Great Hall in search of Lily.