Screams echoed loudly, bouncing off the stone walls that enclosed her. No windows, no doors, just a stone room with no comfort. Silence was dominant and soon consumed her screams and left her screaming blindly and mutely. Her cries went unheard. Her misery was sung in a heartbreaking song which left her crying her heart out onto the cold floor. Her heartbeat was almost audible as it beat viciously in her breast, pounding hard against a weak ribcage. The ribs close to breaking, her heart close to failing from trying too hard, her breaths were shortened and her steps were staggered as she walked in all the wrong directions. Walking in a square along the walls, continually passing the same cracks as she ran her fingers along the cold, damn stone, freezing her skin to the bones and shivering uncontrollably. What she wouldn't give for a warm pair of arms to wrap around her tenderly. Lacking compassion, her heart felt weak once more, alone. Breathing in solitude as if it were her lifesaver. Darkness looms heavily like mist over her frightened soul and the fear settles in the pit of her stomach where she believes that she could waste away. And for a moment she almost does…
"Lily, Lily wake up. C'mon Lils, you're going to be late for class," Ash Lynn said, shaking her gently. Lily grunted sleepily as she was pulled from her image of a dreamlike reality. "You alright?" Lily nodded and got up from her bed. Looking at her clock she realized she only had five minutes. Noting that there was not enough time for a shower, Lily threw on her robes, grabbed her books and bolted down the dorm stairs with Ash Lynn to reach Transfiguration just one time. Lily slipped into a seat in the back of the room and Ash Lynn sat next to her, shooting an apologetic glance at Sirius who had an empty seat beside him.
"You can go sit with Sirius if you want," Lily said dully. Ash Lynn looked at her strangely.
"Why would I want to?" she asked. Lily rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious.
"I'm not blind, you know. I did see you look at Sirius with that apologetic look, I know you want to. You don't have to sit next to me. I can take care of myself," Lily said coolly. Ash Lynn gaped at her, not knowing what to say. Lily sighed and rest her chin on her hand. "Why do you have to be so popular?" she whispered.
Ash Lynn looked taken aback. "What, are you jealous of me? Am I not worthy enough to have a boyfriend who cares?" she snapped.
Lily shook her head, "No. I'm not jealous of you and you are worthy of it. Merlin knows you deserve Sirius. Anyway, jealousy of a person is bad for my self-esteem, though I already lack it. It's just…"
"Just what?" Ash Lynn asked angrily.
"I envy what you have. You have a boyfriend who loves you. Who do I have? No one. My parents died and my sister hates me. You're my only friend. You have people who swarm you with comments and greetings while I'm greeted by loneliness. Don't you ever consider how I feel? Or is it just always you? I don't need this…it's like you're only sitting here because you feel sorry for my loss and you're afraid I'll collapse. Well, if you haven't noticed I'm strong enough without your support or anyone else's."
Ash Lynn was about to reply when she was interrupted by Professor McGonagall.
"Ladies! I am trying to conduct a class. So if you wouldn't mind, please take your conversations else where," she stated sharply. The Marauders stared curiously at the two fuming girls and Lily looked away from their glares, concentrating on her Transfiguration class work.
Ash Lynn refused to speak to Lily for the remainder of the day, even when they had been partnered in Potions. The refusal to speak had in Potions had caused a huge explosion which resulted in both girls becoming covered with the potion. Promptly sending them to the Hospital Wing covered in rashes and boils.
Lily glared angrily at Ash Lynn from the bed across the room. Madame Pomphrey had forced a hot, steaming liquid down their throats and the girls sputtered.
"That's what you get for not paying attention in Potions!" Madame Pomphrey had reprimanded them. Ash Lynn rolled her eyes and stared at the wall, ignoring the glares from Lily.
The girls returned to the common room later that evening after the rashes and boils had disappeared. Lily went straight towards the dormitory while Ash Lynn sat on a couch beside Sirius in front of the fire. She sighed deeply and stared into the fire, gazing intently at the burning flames as they cast shadows throughout the room.
"What happened earlier?" Sirius asked, putting his arm around her waist in comfort. Remus and James stared at Ash Lynn intently and Peter looked as if he could care less.
"I think Lily's jealous of me," Ash Lynn stated.
Sirius raised an eyebrow, "So that was what it was all about?" he asked. Ash Lynn nodded. Sirius laughed, "I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. Sweetie, Lily's never had real friends before. She's always been alone and she's just getting used to having a friend like you. Give her time and don't run her down so often, you're going to wear her out. She'll think you're abandoning her--just give her some time to adjust," Sirius said calmly. Ash Lynn nodded.
"I suppose you're right…but I just can't help feeling angry. I don't know why, it's just the way she said it. I think it hit a nerve because I'm not used to being someone's only friend.
"I understand."
"Don't worry about it Ash, just talk to Lils and I'm sure things will work out between you," Remus said.
Lily sat in the dorm room and stared at the patterns on her bed, everything becoming a whirlwind of colors. She sighed. Was she losing the only friend she ever had over an emotion she couldn't control? Her red hair fell, cascading down her shoulders and she fingered the strands slightly, taking in the silk feeling. She bit her bottom lip and glanced at the table beside her bed and grabbed the diary her parents had given her for Christmas. Inside she had already filled several pages with her useless writing. Although, it helped relieve the emotional pain she felt inside, she felt her words were meaningless; never knowing the tragic emotions portrayed by every word written.
'Play my regrets in a heartbreaking song
As I sit here wondering what could have been
Will you sing me a heartrending lullaby?
The music plays softly in the backdrop
As the scenes play continuously on the wall
My life rolls past as the memories fade into
The light of the screen. Jealousy consumes
The weary eye, blinding truth with honest lies.
Footsteps stagger as I walk in all the wrong directions
Holding fast to a past that seems to slip away
Into an empty void of sorrow that consumes
The ever-dying soul of eternal solitude
Queen of the unreachable, the damned and the lonely
She sits high on her throne of barbed roses and
Sings her lullaby for all those whose voices fail.
Envious cries ring out, afraid of being left behind
In the looming darkness, fear settles within their hearts
As the pace quickens and they walk blindly across the tight wire,
Stumbling, falling to their deaths in some unknown territory
Some have been swept away by the melody of this
Bittersweet lullaby, finding themselves flying into battle
With their swords drawn and ready to murder emotions that
Seem to haunt every step they take. Feelings of hatred and love,
Jealousy and sympathy, happiness and despair. Opposites attract.
This lullaby collides with the misery playing deep within these notes
And she sings her heart out, bleeding words freely from open wounds
Her misery devours her and the thorns begin to bite hard
Leaving drops of crimson on the petals of her rose throne.
She falls farther than anyone has ever fallen before.
The wire snaps and she's lost; walking in all the wrong directions
Following the trail of music that lead her to her destiny,
The jealous song lead her to her death and she died within her lyrics
Singing one last final note of that heartrending lullaby.'
Lily's thought process had been interrupted by the turning of the doorknob. Glancing up from the ink stained pages, Lily watched as Ash Lynn made her appearance. Her eyes were weary and tired from much thinking and she ran her fingers through her hair absentmindedly.
"Lils, can we talk?" she asked timidly. Lily nodded slightly and cocked her head to the side, staring intently at Ash Lynn. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier," she started as she sat down on Lily's bed. Biting her bottom lip as if she was thinking about what she said before she actually did. "I understand where you're coming from...it's just...I'm not used to hearing comments like that and I didn't know how to react. I guess my first instinct was to be angry but I apologize. I don't want to lose you as a friend over something as silly as that."
Lily smiled a bit. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to anger you. Sometimes I just wish I were more like you. You're so confident in the way you hold yourself, everyone adores you, and you know that you're beautiful. You aren't arrogant about your beauty and your social life is incredible. I just wish I had that. Except, I'm not you, I'm me.
"I'm just Lily Evans. That's all I can be and I guess I don't want to accept that at times. I just wish I had someone who loved me as much as Sirius loves you. You can see it in the way he looks at you, being lonely has it perks. I can observe everyone and have no one bother me. He never looks at any other girl the way he looks at you. I want that..." Lily said sadly.
Ash Lynn was silent the whole time, playing with a thread that was coming undone from Lily's sheets. She sighed. "Lily, this is the best advice I'm going to give you, so listen to it carefully. Before people can accept you for who you are--you first have to accept yourself. Love yourself and others will love you. No one wants to be friends with someone who can't even compliment themselves sometimes. Have faith in what you have and you'll get what you want. Trust me."
"Thanks Ash Lynn...oh and thanks for that letter last night, it helped me a lot."
"What letter?" Ash Lynn asked confused.
Lily looked shocked. "You mean, you didn't write me that letter that was sitting on my bed?" Ash Lynn shook her head.
"Oh!" Ash Lynn exclaimed, "An owl dropped that off earlier in the morning, you weren't around so it let me take it off and place it on your bed. I'm not sure who it's from though. Can I read it?"
Lily shrugged and handed the letter over. Ash Lynn read it and her eyes lit up.
"Oh, Lily!! Looks like you have a secret admirer!" she squealed in happiness.
"How do you know? It could just be someone who cares about me as a friend," Lily said.
"Ah, but it's signed 'forever yours'," Ash Lynn pointed out. "Come on, who else would write something like that unless they had a crush on you!" Lily rolled her eyes and fell back on her bed, staring at the canopy above.
"C'mon. Let's go to the common room, please?" Ash Lynn suddenly said.
"Miss your Sirius already?" Lily asked.
"Of course," she said brightly as she got off of Lily's bed and made her way down to the common room. Lily followed suit and found herself sitting between Ash Lynn and Remus.
It seemed as though the two girls had forgotten all about their little 'feud' earlier that day. Things seemed as if they were back to normal, except things weren't. The happiness and tension free atmosphere appeared to be a disguise for everything that lay in wait of things to come.
The Marauders. One watched as his unreachable star grew further away from his grasp. Another grew weary of waiting and wondering. His friends seemed so different from him, yet he was with them, a part of them. They had the looks, the brains, everything he wanted and couldn't have. Yet, they were friends, they accepted him for who he was. It was what he could ever wish for. Nothing could tear them apart or so it seemed.
The third seemed too preoccupied with his current love to worry about the future or the darkness that loomed overhead the entire wizarding world.
The final, sat in silence and watched his best friends contemplating life and love. Dull pain coursed throughout his body, though he was certain that part of the pain was heartache. He wanted her, he needed her and yet she was so far away from him. Distanced by an eternal loneliness that plagued her soul. She seemed unaware of the shivers she sent through his body. The others were unaware of the jealousy that danced in his eyes everytime he watched them. How he envied their looks and the attention they received. He concluded that he hated whom he had become.
"Lily, Lily wake up. C'mon Lils, you're going to be late for class," Ash Lynn said, shaking her gently. Lily grunted sleepily as she was pulled from her image of a dreamlike reality. "You alright?" Lily nodded and got up from her bed. Looking at her clock she realized she only had five minutes. Noting that there was not enough time for a shower, Lily threw on her robes, grabbed her books and bolted down the dorm stairs with Ash Lynn to reach Transfiguration just one time. Lily slipped into a seat in the back of the room and Ash Lynn sat next to her, shooting an apologetic glance at Sirius who had an empty seat beside him.
"You can go sit with Sirius if you want," Lily said dully. Ash Lynn looked at her strangely.
"Why would I want to?" she asked. Lily rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious.
"I'm not blind, you know. I did see you look at Sirius with that apologetic look, I know you want to. You don't have to sit next to me. I can take care of myself," Lily said coolly. Ash Lynn gaped at her, not knowing what to say. Lily sighed and rest her chin on her hand. "Why do you have to be so popular?" she whispered.
Ash Lynn looked taken aback. "What, are you jealous of me? Am I not worthy enough to have a boyfriend who cares?" she snapped.
Lily shook her head, "No. I'm not jealous of you and you are worthy of it. Merlin knows you deserve Sirius. Anyway, jealousy of a person is bad for my self-esteem, though I already lack it. It's just…"
"Just what?" Ash Lynn asked angrily.
"I envy what you have. You have a boyfriend who loves you. Who do I have? No one. My parents died and my sister hates me. You're my only friend. You have people who swarm you with comments and greetings while I'm greeted by loneliness. Don't you ever consider how I feel? Or is it just always you? I don't need this…it's like you're only sitting here because you feel sorry for my loss and you're afraid I'll collapse. Well, if you haven't noticed I'm strong enough without your support or anyone else's."
Ash Lynn was about to reply when she was interrupted by Professor McGonagall.
"Ladies! I am trying to conduct a class. So if you wouldn't mind, please take your conversations else where," she stated sharply. The Marauders stared curiously at the two fuming girls and Lily looked away from their glares, concentrating on her Transfiguration class work.
Ash Lynn refused to speak to Lily for the remainder of the day, even when they had been partnered in Potions. The refusal to speak had in Potions had caused a huge explosion which resulted in both girls becoming covered with the potion. Promptly sending them to the Hospital Wing covered in rashes and boils.
Lily glared angrily at Ash Lynn from the bed across the room. Madame Pomphrey had forced a hot, steaming liquid down their throats and the girls sputtered.
"That's what you get for not paying attention in Potions!" Madame Pomphrey had reprimanded them. Ash Lynn rolled her eyes and stared at the wall, ignoring the glares from Lily.
The girls returned to the common room later that evening after the rashes and boils had disappeared. Lily went straight towards the dormitory while Ash Lynn sat on a couch beside Sirius in front of the fire. She sighed deeply and stared into the fire, gazing intently at the burning flames as they cast shadows throughout the room.
"What happened earlier?" Sirius asked, putting his arm around her waist in comfort. Remus and James stared at Ash Lynn intently and Peter looked as if he could care less.
"I think Lily's jealous of me," Ash Lynn stated.
Sirius raised an eyebrow, "So that was what it was all about?" he asked. Ash Lynn nodded. Sirius laughed, "I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. Sweetie, Lily's never had real friends before. She's always been alone and she's just getting used to having a friend like you. Give her time and don't run her down so often, you're going to wear her out. She'll think you're abandoning her--just give her some time to adjust," Sirius said calmly. Ash Lynn nodded.
"I suppose you're right…but I just can't help feeling angry. I don't know why, it's just the way she said it. I think it hit a nerve because I'm not used to being someone's only friend.
"I understand."
"Don't worry about it Ash, just talk to Lils and I'm sure things will work out between you," Remus said.
Lily sat in the dorm room and stared at the patterns on her bed, everything becoming a whirlwind of colors. She sighed. Was she losing the only friend she ever had over an emotion she couldn't control? Her red hair fell, cascading down her shoulders and she fingered the strands slightly, taking in the silk feeling. She bit her bottom lip and glanced at the table beside her bed and grabbed the diary her parents had given her for Christmas. Inside she had already filled several pages with her useless writing. Although, it helped relieve the emotional pain she felt inside, she felt her words were meaningless; never knowing the tragic emotions portrayed by every word written.
'Play my regrets in a heartbreaking song
As I sit here wondering what could have been
Will you sing me a heartrending lullaby?
The music plays softly in the backdrop
As the scenes play continuously on the wall
My life rolls past as the memories fade into
The light of the screen. Jealousy consumes
The weary eye, blinding truth with honest lies.
Footsteps stagger as I walk in all the wrong directions
Holding fast to a past that seems to slip away
Into an empty void of sorrow that consumes
The ever-dying soul of eternal solitude
Queen of the unreachable, the damned and the lonely
She sits high on her throne of barbed roses and
Sings her lullaby for all those whose voices fail.
Envious cries ring out, afraid of being left behind
In the looming darkness, fear settles within their hearts
As the pace quickens and they walk blindly across the tight wire,
Stumbling, falling to their deaths in some unknown territory
Some have been swept away by the melody of this
Bittersweet lullaby, finding themselves flying into battle
With their swords drawn and ready to murder emotions that
Seem to haunt every step they take. Feelings of hatred and love,
Jealousy and sympathy, happiness and despair. Opposites attract.
This lullaby collides with the misery playing deep within these notes
And she sings her heart out, bleeding words freely from open wounds
Her misery devours her and the thorns begin to bite hard
Leaving drops of crimson on the petals of her rose throne.
She falls farther than anyone has ever fallen before.
The wire snaps and she's lost; walking in all the wrong directions
Following the trail of music that lead her to her destiny,
The jealous song lead her to her death and she died within her lyrics
Singing one last final note of that heartrending lullaby.'
Lily's thought process had been interrupted by the turning of the doorknob. Glancing up from the ink stained pages, Lily watched as Ash Lynn made her appearance. Her eyes were weary and tired from much thinking and she ran her fingers through her hair absentmindedly.
"Lils, can we talk?" she asked timidly. Lily nodded slightly and cocked her head to the side, staring intently at Ash Lynn. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier," she started as she sat down on Lily's bed. Biting her bottom lip as if she was thinking about what she said before she actually did. "I understand where you're coming from...it's just...I'm not used to hearing comments like that and I didn't know how to react. I guess my first instinct was to be angry but I apologize. I don't want to lose you as a friend over something as silly as that."
Lily smiled a bit. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to anger you. Sometimes I just wish I were more like you. You're so confident in the way you hold yourself, everyone adores you, and you know that you're beautiful. You aren't arrogant about your beauty and your social life is incredible. I just wish I had that. Except, I'm not you, I'm me.
"I'm just Lily Evans. That's all I can be and I guess I don't want to accept that at times. I just wish I had someone who loved me as much as Sirius loves you. You can see it in the way he looks at you, being lonely has it perks. I can observe everyone and have no one bother me. He never looks at any other girl the way he looks at you. I want that..." Lily said sadly.
Ash Lynn was silent the whole time, playing with a thread that was coming undone from Lily's sheets. She sighed. "Lily, this is the best advice I'm going to give you, so listen to it carefully. Before people can accept you for who you are--you first have to accept yourself. Love yourself and others will love you. No one wants to be friends with someone who can't even compliment themselves sometimes. Have faith in what you have and you'll get what you want. Trust me."
"Thanks Ash Lynn...oh and thanks for that letter last night, it helped me a lot."
"What letter?" Ash Lynn asked confused.
Lily looked shocked. "You mean, you didn't write me that letter that was sitting on my bed?" Ash Lynn shook her head.
"Oh!" Ash Lynn exclaimed, "An owl dropped that off earlier in the morning, you weren't around so it let me take it off and place it on your bed. I'm not sure who it's from though. Can I read it?"
Lily shrugged and handed the letter over. Ash Lynn read it and her eyes lit up.
"Oh, Lily!! Looks like you have a secret admirer!" she squealed in happiness.
"How do you know? It could just be someone who cares about me as a friend," Lily said.
"Ah, but it's signed 'forever yours'," Ash Lynn pointed out. "Come on, who else would write something like that unless they had a crush on you!" Lily rolled her eyes and fell back on her bed, staring at the canopy above.
"C'mon. Let's go to the common room, please?" Ash Lynn suddenly said.
"Miss your Sirius already?" Lily asked.
"Of course," she said brightly as she got off of Lily's bed and made her way down to the common room. Lily followed suit and found herself sitting between Ash Lynn and Remus.
It seemed as though the two girls had forgotten all about their little 'feud' earlier that day. Things seemed as if they were back to normal, except things weren't. The happiness and tension free atmosphere appeared to be a disguise for everything that lay in wait of things to come.
The Marauders. One watched as his unreachable star grew further away from his grasp. Another grew weary of waiting and wondering. His friends seemed so different from him, yet he was with them, a part of them. They had the looks, the brains, everything he wanted and couldn't have. Yet, they were friends, they accepted him for who he was. It was what he could ever wish for. Nothing could tear them apart or so it seemed.
The third seemed too preoccupied with his current love to worry about the future or the darkness that loomed overhead the entire wizarding world.
The final, sat in silence and watched his best friends contemplating life and love. Dull pain coursed throughout his body, though he was certain that part of the pain was heartache. He wanted her, he needed her and yet she was so far away from him. Distanced by an eternal loneliness that plagued her soul. She seemed unaware of the shivers she sent through his body. The others were unaware of the jealousy that danced in his eyes everytime he watched them. How he envied their looks and the attention they received. He concluded that he hated whom he had become.