Chapter Nineteen: This is Our Own Hell
Taran and Rhenna were sitting on the floor crying, their once beautiful hair had now turned green with silver streaks running through it.
"Matches their personality quite well, don't you think?" The Marauders jumped at the voice and turned to see Ash Lynn standing behind them, grinning mischievously.
"You did that?" Sirius asked, smiling broadly.
"Lily did the actual spell but we both came up with the idea," she replied as if it weren't a huge accomplishment. Remus' stomach flip flopped at the sound of Lily's name, he heard James sigh beside him. He frowned inwardly and quietly made his way past the Marauders, who still stood talking with Ash Lynn and walked out of the common room.
"Hey, where'd Remus go?" Peter asked suddenly, "And where's Lily? How come she's not down here?" The Marauders looked around for their missing companion.
"Lily's in the dorm. I'm not really sure what she's doing, she told me to leave her alone for a while," Ash Lynn said shrugging. The portrait door opened and the group turned to expect Remus, however, it wasn't. Instead, Orien walked in, looking curiously at Rhenna and Taran before smiling dreamily. Lily walked down behind Ash Lynn and cleared her throat to gather the attention of the common room.
"Hey Lils!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing Lily and hugging her tightly, "That was something amazing you pulled off!" Lily smiled a bit, but the pain in her eyes revealed a different emotion. Her eyes began to wander around the common room before the fell upon Orien, who was still examining Rhenna and Taran's hair.
"Did you do this?" he asked her, his voice quiet and mysterious. Lily nodded shyly. "You have great skills that exceed many of us fourth years. You will be a wonderful witch someday, I can promise that. The heavens have already written your destiny," he replied, before walking upstairs to the boys' dorm.
"That boy is quite some character," Ash Lynn said. Sirius nodded in reply and grabbed Ash Lynn suddenly around the waist, twirling her 'round in circles, 'causing her to shriek with glee. Lily winced with jealousy and for a moment, her eyes caught James and they both looked at one another with sympathetic, sorrowful stares. Sirius noted the change in his best friend's behavior and put Ash Lynn down, but left his hand resting limply on her waist.
"Let's go down to breakfast, maybe we'll see Remus there!" James quickly agreed and Lily just hung back, sitting calmly in a armchair before the fire. Taran and Rhenna, too embarrassed to see any other students, ran back upstairs to their dorms and decided they didn't want to be seen wearing the Slytherin colors. Sirius grinned stupidly and hugged Ash Lynn tightly.
"Lily, are you coming?" she asked, calling over Sirius' shoulder.
"No," Lily said before sighing and resting her head on the body of the chair.
Slowly, it seemed as if the entire Gryffindor tower had made their procession down to breakfast. Lily sat in silence, curled up on the chair in a fetal position, making her seem weak and vulnerable.
Every day she watched on as Ash Lynn was constantly surrounded by friends and Sirius. She was always known, always the one to be greeted. None of the other Gryffindors even dared look at Lily and she couldn't understand this change. When the occasion occurred that one of the other members of her house did look at her or speak to her, they always wore a sneer on their face. It was as if everyone was taunting her, everyone was talking about her behind her back and she was alone again. She always ended up alone. It was if solitude was her eternal soul mate.
The sound of the portrait hole opening, startled Lily, but she remained in her position and just stared into the fire, hoping whoever had come back from breakfast early would soon leave. But she did not hear the portrait hole open again, she heard the echoes of footsteps making their way towards where she sat.
"Lily?" Lily sighed and frowned, she was discovered, but the voice was gentle and quiet. She looked up and her emerald eyes met amber ones. "You alright?" Remus asked, as he sat down on the arm of her chair. Lily turned so she was facing Remus and their gaze was never disconnected.
"Truthfully? I'm not…" she replied sadly. Remus stared at her with admiration and sorrow, both pairs of eyes conveying every emotion they were feeling at the moment. Lily's eyes played with misery, jealousy, and despondency and Remus could see her emotions and he felt as if a sudden, huge burden had been placed upon his heart. Her eyes seemed weary and her face looked aged, as if she were older than just fourteen. She had been weighed down heavily by the haunting memories of her past and it showed. But yet, still through her troubles, she appeared just as beautiful as an elegant and mysterious phoenix.
Her red hair was like flames burning and still never failing or seemingly ready to die. Her emerald eyes, lacking happiness or color, shined dully behind thick eyelashes. Her porcelain skin, like that of a doll, so fragile and delicate…Lily coughed, Remus was startled for a moment and he fell off the arm of her chair. He got up and brushed his robes, turning to see a smiling Lily.
Remus blushed and ran his fingers through his hair, nervously. Lily sat up and moved over, giving Remus room to sit on the chair next to herself. Remus sat down beside Lily, feeling her warmth like a fire, rushing through his body like a river of flames.
"Where'd you go this morning?" Lily questioned him, "When I came downstairs, the Marauders were there except for you."
"I…er…" Remus sat in thought for a moment, trying to place his thoughts into an actual sentence. "Things aren't really going so well for me," he started, "I just went for a quick walk to clear my mind."
"Want to talk about what's bothering you?"
"Only if you talk about what's bothering you," he stated, looking a bit uncomfortable. Lily sighed and agreed. "Go first," Remus urged.
"Is it wrong for me to be jealous of Ash Lynn?"
"No," Remus started, surprised. "Jealousy is a human emotion, we all are jealous at some point in time. If it's any condolence, I'm jealous of my best friends too," he said. Lily looked shocked.
"Why…?"
"Why shouldn't I? They have everything they could ever want and it's just placed there in front of them, they don't have to struggle for anything. It's like, sometimes, I wonder why I'm friends with them in the first place, me and Peter. We are so different from James and Sirius and yet we all are best friends. And…there's something about me you don't know," Remus confessed, "And I'm sure if you found out…you wouldn't want to talk to me again."
"Remus, nothing in this world could stop me from being friends with anyone, including you. I don't judge people because of who they are or what they do. It's not who I am. Though sometimes I wish I weren't me…" Lily said.
"Why? Lily, you're such a wonderful person. Ash Lynn talks about you all the time and never does she say anything that would give you a bad label. Lily, you have to stop living in the past and focus on the present!" Remus said.
"Sometimes, you should take your own advice," Lily replied quietly. The two sat in silence for a few moments and Remus looked over at Lily as tears fell from her eyes.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because sometimes I'd rather live in the past than in the present. The present is cruel with reality, the past is just a dream and I'd rather live a dream where I never knew what pain and heartache was. Where I didn't know any emotions and I could be happy with the way I am. But I can't, not here, not now. Because I have nothing to be happy about, I have nothing to live for. Sometimes, I'd rather die than be living here, ignored and unwanted. I want someone to love me!" Lily sobbed. Remus instinctively wrapped his arms around Lily's body and pulled her close, rocking her back in forth in a soothing sort of manner. He buried his face in her hair, drinking in her scent and he cried.
Remus cried for Lily and her pain. He cried for himself and his past, for all the mistakes he ever made and wished he could take back. He cried for love. He wanted to be the one to love Lily, he wanted to be the one who Lily wanted to love. And as the sobs racked her body and as he cried silently with her, the formed a silent truce--that they'd always be there for one another. Lily trusted him.
The sound of loud voices outside the common room made Lily and Remus aware that breakfast was over.
"I'm going to go," Lily said, a bit breathless from crying heavily, "Thanks Remus, thanks for being there for me," she said sincerely. Remus smiled gently and wiped the tears from her face and he watched her fleeting figure mournfully.
The portrait hole opened and hordes of Gryffindor students walked in after their breakfast, talking animatedly to one another with plans for the weekend.
"Remus!" he heard Sirius exclaim from somewhere behind him. Remus got up from the chair and realized how cold he felt without Lily's warm body beside his. He turned around to face his friends and they looked at him oddly. He then remembered that he had been crying and he probably looked as though he was.
"Remus, are you alright?" Ash Lynn exclaimed. Remus wiped the dried tears from his eyes and nodded meekly.
"Where'd you got his morning?" Peter piped in.
"I just went for a walk, sorry for not telling you."
"No problem. Are you sure you're alright? Have you seen Lily, by any chance?" Ash Lynn questioned.
"I…I…yeah," Remus said uncertainly, staring at the ground. The Marauders looked at Remus curiously but did not press the matter. Ash Lynn pushed her way past Remus and went upstairs to the girls' dorm in search of Lily.
Sirius pushed Remus down into the chair and looked at him, eye to eye. "Remus, what really happened? Don't lie to us. You've been crying!"
"I…well, I…" Remus began to stutter. Peter stood behind Sirius and was mumbling incoherently and James was staring at him, waiting for a reply. But Remus was saved when the Marauders heard a shriek from the girls' dormitory. The sounds of an argument floated down to them and they could catch phrases.
"…Bloody git!" "…deserve what you…" And then the sound of a palm making contact with skin. The Marauders stood dumbfounded and then they heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stone stairs. Appearing in the doorway were Rhenna and Taran, their faces flushed and their hair still silver and green. They huffed angrily and stalked out of the common room. Ash Lynn and Lily soon appeared and Ash Lynn was covering her cheek gently with her own hand. Lily's face was tear-streaked and she held the remains of a diary in her hands.
"Rhenna burned the diary my parents gave me for Christmas," she said sniffling and wiping the tears away.
"What happened to you, Ash?" Sirius said, immediately hugging her to comfort his shocked girlfriend.
"I called her a bloody git and she slapped me…that evil, wretched creature slapped me!" Ash Lynn spat. "God, I hate her." James' growled and the other Marauders stared at him in surprise.
"I'm sick of them treating you to like this!" he exclaimed angrily, "It's not fair because you certainly didn't do anything to deserve that. I'm sorry Ash and Lily," he said gently and enclosed both of them in a hug. Lily looked uncomfortable and she became tense. James sensed this and released her, staring at her inquisitively. She faked a smile and thanked James.
Sirius took his girlfriend's wrist and led her over to the nearest couch, sitting her down and held her close. Ash Lynn sighed in content and rested her head on Sirius' shoulder. Peter sat in an armchair and pulled homework out of his bag, still mumbling to himself. James took Peter's lead and decided to get his homework done so he would have the rest of the day and Sunday to just have fun. Remus and Lily still stood standing, looking around awkwardly. Remus sat down next to James and peered at the parchment he had begun to write and grinned. 'How to Treat the Slytherins." Professor Kirkaldy had given that to James after he had caught James hexing the Slytherins during his class.
Remus felt the weight of Lily's body sinking in next to his and he felt that warmth once again, along with the butterflies that danced in his stomach. He turned to face her, her cheeks still red from crying, and her hair burned brightly, reflected by the glow from the flames of the fire. He smiled warmly at her and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tenderly as if he was reassuring her that things would be alright. Sirius glanced over and saw what Remus had done and nudged Ash Lynn gently she looked up at him curiously and she followed his gaze to Remus and Lily. She smiled and looked at Sirius again before kissing him softly on the lips.
"They're cute together," she said, nuzzling Sirius.
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, whispering in her ear, "But so are we," he said grinning. Ash Lynn laughed and laid her head back down against Sirius' chest, listening to his heart beat.
James looked over to ask a Remus a question but he stopped when he saw Remus holding hands with Lily and talking in quiet voices. A fire burned angrily within his soul and jealousy raged on. 'Why can't that be me?' he asked himself. Heartbreak wasn't an emotion he felt often.
"Just use spare pieces of parchment until you can get a new diary," Remus said. Lily nodded.
"It's just, it was something I could remember my parents by. I have nothing except picture and still, pictures fade with time…as do lives."
"Lives don't fade, pasts do…" Remus replied absently.
"Remus, what happened in your past?" Lily questioned. Remus sighed, the question was inevitable and he knew he had to answer it eventually.
"Lily," he started, glancing around the common room, which was filled with students, "Let's go somewhere private," he said while grabbing Lily's arm and leading her out of the room. Remus lead her outside, their feet crunched the snow beneath them as they walked. They walked as if they had no direct destination and were just walking to anywhere. They ended up by a rock near the lake, the wind was cold and it bit Lily's cheeks harshly. She shivered slightly and Remus pulled her closer.
"Lily, what I'm going to tell you, you have to promise not to hate me for it," he said grimly. Lily nodded. "Lily…when I was four--I…I was, well…I was bitten by a werewolf," he said quickly. Lily's eyes widened in shock and Remus assumed the worst, he hung his head in shame and was quite surprised when he felt Lily's arms snake around his waist, pulling him into a tight hug.
"I'm sorry Remus. I should've known…I should've noticed that you left every month around the full moon," Lily started and then her face was creased with worry, "Tomorrow night's the full moon," she said. Remus nodded and as if her reminder was right on cue, a rush of pain rushed through Remus' body and he whimpered in pain. "Are you okay?" she asked. Remus nodded weakly.
"It hurts sometimes, before the full moon." Lily nodded in understanding. "I'm really glad you're not turning away from me," he whispered, "I don't think I could stand losing you."
"You know I never would," she said smiling, "That's not me." Remus smiled in return and hugged her. "Let's go back inside, it's freezing out," she said as she jumped off the rock. Remus followed her and winced slightly when he landed, his body still in pain and together they walked back towards the castle, hand in hand, displaying a newfound friendship.
James stared angrily at Lily and Remus as they walked into the common room, talking calmly. What he wouldn't give to be in Remus' place right now.
"This is the Lily that I like," Remus said, "So open, smiling, and seemingly carefree."
Lily's smile disappeared slightly. "Appearances lie." Remus looked confused. Lily shrugged in reply and began to walk away but Remus grabbed a hold of her arm.
"Lily, what was that supposed to mean?"
Lily sighed, "It just means that because I'm happy on the outside, doesn't mean I am happy on the inside. I mean, I really am happy on the inside, just not as much as I could be. It's like an inner battle between emotions, trying to dominate one another." Remus frowned as he and Lily sat down on the far end of the couch where James sat.
"Lily, you know, we're friends now," he said, "You can trust me with anything and I swear I won't tell a single soul. If there's something bothering you, then I want to know," he added, seriously.
"I know," Lily said, looking down at her hands, they seemed fascinating. "It's just sometimes I feel caged, you know? We all create our own prisons, I guess and the crime we've committed is how much we hate ourselves. I mean, it's good to pretend and admit the truth sometimes and so, when you really look closely, you can see that in some strange and complicated way--everyone's beautiful. I wish that I could say I was."
"But Lily, you are beautiful. Merlin, the moment I laid eyes on you, I was mesmerized. Sometimes it seems as though you honestly could be a fallen angel. Please believe me when I say that because I don't lie."
"A fallen angel, Remus? Angels are heavenly creatures and I'm far from heavenly. Thinking of all my past regrets I would probably be one of Satan's minions."
"Okay, I don't mean it like that. I meant that you're as beautiful as an angel. But, you would be far from being one of Satan's minions! I think you're more like a short story."
"A short story?" Lily questioned, trying to suppress a laugh.
"A short story," Remus repeated, "A short story written in words, thoughts, and emotions. You make it longer every day, adding to it each minute. Making it more complex with each and every second that you are alive. You are the writer of this story and you keep writing with this crimson ink. Now, how will your story end? Lifeless? Loveless? Meaningless. Take your pen and start a new chapter in your story. You think that since you are the writer, that you have total control of it all...but you don't."
"I don't? Remus, it's my life. I think I do have control of it," Lily protested.
"There's your publishers, your proofreaders, the editors, and readers. They all have come along to try and change your story, and in someway, they have...without you knowing. They change it all the time. And there's nothing you can do about it."
"Not have friends who try so much to change my life," Lily muttered in reply.
But Remus ignored her and continued on. "So much for your creative edge. So much for your artistic vision. Your story, your life is crumbling. You've realized that you don't have total control and you can't handle it. And it shows in your story and your life. Your story is losing it's heart, and now you've lost yours," he said sadly.
Lily looked at him, her eyes were silently pleading for help while her lips remained motionless, sounds were inaudible, she knew what he said was true.
Finally, she found the words she needed to speak, the words Remus was dying to hear, and the words James was dreading, "Help me find my heart."
James overheard the entire conversation between Remus and Lily and throughout, he had to control his emotions from taking the best of him. But Lily's response had sent him over the edge, it felt as though his heart had been shattered into thousands of bleeding pieces. He felt his blood boil, Remus had advanced on his girl. But a voice in his head quietly reminded him that Lily was not his and though Remus was sure that James had fancied Lily, he could not control his emotions too. Still, James was angered and he threw his quill down in frustration, knocking over his ink bottle. He stormed out of the common room and left his essay on the table, forgotten and unfinished.
The ink stained James' essay, and though they didn't know it then, that black ink would stain their white facade of appearances as their years faded. Peter watched with his mouth agape, utterly confused of the happenings and Sirius turned to Remus, who stood looking at the portrait hole, ready to go after James. But Lily held Remus back, her fingers were wrapped firmly around his wrist and Remus' face was wrinkled with worry and fear. Remus was afraid of James' wrath.
Lily released Remus' wrist slowly after a few moments of thought and watched him as he bolted out of the common room. Ash Lynn motioned for Lily to move down the couch, more towards her, Sirius, and Peter. A clear look of disgust crossed Peter's face and Lily looked at him questioningly but he refused to meet her gaze. She sat where James had sat moments before, the seat still released his warmth and Lily's worried and tense body relaxed slightly. She sighed deeply and stared blankly into the fire.
"What exactly just happened?" Ash Lynn questioned. Lily shrugged. "Are you and Remus..." she started.
"No!" Lily exclaimed, "We're just friends. Friends trying to help one another out in times of need." Ash Lynn looked at her doubtingly. "Honestly, he's just helping me try to figure myself out," she said, noticing Ash Lynn's uncertainty. "And maybe help me find my heart," she added quietly. Ash Lynn smiled knowingly, while Sirius frowned.
"What's wrong Sirius?" Ash Lynn asked.
"Nothing," he said quickly, "I'm going to find Remus and James," he finished as he got up, kissing his girlfriend on the forehead, he walked out of the portrait hole in search of his friends.
Remus caught up with James as he walked briskly out of the Great Hall and onto Hogwarts grounds.
"James!" Remus called after him but James kept walking, ignoring his friends cries. "Please, James, just hear me out!" James turned around and Remus found himself cowering from the sight James was giving.
"Hear you out? Hear what out? Remus, you knew I fancied her. You knew it and you still went after her! I can't believe you!" Remus frowned.
"James, I can't help how my heart feels. Do you want me to go against what my heart says? James, I know you fancy her but I can't help it! Please, I am so sorry, just know this--we're not going out!"
"What about the whole, 'help me find my heart?' I heard you guys talking! Remus, my heart feels as though it's been torn out of my chest!"
"Mate, you don't understand how much turmoil is going on in my life right now! I can't take you being angry at me just because of a girl!" Remus said, almost whining.
"A girl? Lily isn't just a girl, Remus, she's absolutely gorgeous," James said.
"Is that all that matters to you?" Remus spat. "Looks? Bloody hell, James, Lily is more than just looks. If you actually took the time to talk to her, you'd understand her. She has the heart of a dreamer and her thoughts are so profound and meaningful that they could probably even make you rethink your life. She's not just gorgeous, she has more layers than one, you know. If you ever do get the chance to actually see those bottom layers, you'd realize how thin they're becoming. She's losing everything, James, including her heart. And if you're only after her because of what she looks like, then you don't deserve her at all," Remus said angrily as he turned on his heels and left a stunned James standing outside in the bitter cold. James was too preoccupied to even realize he was shivering subconsciously and his face was creased with a frown. Was there more to girls than looks?
Sirius ran into the Great Hall as Remus was storming in from outside. The look on his face was murderous and Sirius was shocked that Remus could get so worked up about something.
"Hey, mate," Sirius timidly said, "Are you alright?"
"Just fine," huffed Remus, his face was still pink from the cold.
"I…er…alright. Uh…have you seen James?"
Remus growled and Sirius stepped back. "He's outside," Remus said angrily, "That bloody prat," he muttered. Sirius frowned but let Remus continue on his angry rampage while he went outside to speak with James.
Sirius found James pacing around the lake, his hair was ruffled from the bitter wind and his face was pale. His hazel eyes were glaring dangerously at the air, as if it were trying to invade his privacy. James' glasses were slowly slipping off his nose but he didn't seem to notice. Sirius began to walk closer to James and the air surrounding him seemed colder than anywhere else. He slowly put his hand on James' shoulder and James stared at him with his tear stained eyes. The eyes that always refused to cry, the eyes that always seemed to betray him--showing every emotion.
"I don't know anymore…" James croaked. His confusion was true and the thought of girls actually being beautiful on the inside? Well, that just seemed ridiculous--at least with all the girls he had dated. But maybe, Lily was different and for James, that was something he needed to find out.
Sirius looked at James sympathetically. "This is up to you James. I can't help you." James nodded despairingly and looked to the snow covered ground, shivering slightly as he now noticed how cold he felt. "C'mon mate, it's time for lunch."
James and Sirius walked side by side into the castle. James was inwardly battling his conscience and Sirius was deep in think. Both were silent and their thoughts went unspoken. They heavy set doors were opened and James felt a wave of warmth rush over his numb body and the color in his skin returned. He sighed heavily and left Sirius at the entrance to the Great Hall.
"I have to go to the common room," James stated before walking away. Sirius walked into the Great Hall and towards the Gryffindor table where Lily and Ash Lynn were deep in conversation and Peter was sitting a few seats away from them, looking quite dejected.
"Jealous? Who does he think he is, that arrogant twit!? Does he think that every girl will go out with him? I'm surprised his big ego can fit through any door," Lily exclaimed angrily, after Ash Lynn said why she thought James had abruptly left. Sirius frowned.
"Lily," he started.
"No, Sirius, don't even try to defend James. If he's going to treat his friends like that just because of me, just because one girl chose someone else over him, I don't even want to speak to him. I met Remus on the way down here, Sirius, you should have seen his face!" Lily sighed in frustration.
"I know, I know. But, I don't know what to do, Lily! This is between Remus and James, I'm not involved."
"It's between Remus and James over me!" Lily miserably said. Ash Lynn patted her back and Sirius stared at his empty plate.
"Where is Remus?" Sirius asked.
"He went wandering," Ash Lynn answered. Lily was playing with the food on her plate and her eyes were unfocused as though she had pulled herself into a different world. Ash Lynn looked up when she heard the doors of the Great Hall opening and saw James walking towards them, a frown on his face. He sat down next to Sirius and buried his face into his hands.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked. James shook his head, indicating that he didn't feel like talking and Sirius shrugged when Ash Lynn gave him an inquisitive glance.
A few moments later, the doors to the hall opened once more and a haggard looking Remus stumbled in. He didn't look at James at all and sat down next to Lily, staring at the ground. The atmosphere around the Marauders was quiet, Sirius tried to start a conversation but was denied. He sighed and turned around, facing the Slytherins, then at Snape.
Sirius smiled and pulled his wand out and muttered 'tarantallegra.' Sirius watched with amusement as Snape began to dance and grinned with satisfaction when he saw the other Marauders laughing heartily, forgetting their anger for a moment. But as soon as an angry McGonagall undid the spell and Snape stopped dancing, James and Remus stopped talking and looked the other way. Neither said a word to one another, even when McGonagall came over and gave the four Marauders detention and neither spoke when they left the Great Hall.
The Marauders and the two girls walked in the Gryffindor Tower, along with the rest of the Gryffindor house. Lily fell upon the sofa with a sigh and closed her eyes, her stomach lying on the cushions. She felt someone sit next to her and she knew it was Remus. She heard Ash Lynn and Sirius talking in whispers and then leave once more. She didn't know what James and Peter were doing and frankly, she didn't care.
Lily buried her head into the cushions of the sofa but brought her head back up because she found the cushion to be dusty. She coughed slightly and turned onto her back, staring at the ceiling. She heard Remus clear his throat next to her and she brought herself up, resting on her elbows to stare at him with a raised eyebrow. He sadly smiled at her and rested his head on the back of the couch. Lily sat up and made her way next to Remus, she laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her waist.
"I'm sorry about James," he said. "I don't know what to do."
"Remus, don't worry about James. If he really was your true friend, then he'll come through. You can't fight over a girl, especially over me--that's pretty idiotic."
"No it's not!" Remus defended, "I mean, I don't want to lose my friendship with James but still, I can't prevent my heart from loving someone," he added truthfully. Lily smiled and prodded Remus gently.
"Hey!" he said laughing, "That tickles." Lily grinned and poked him again in the side and continued tickling him. Remus grabbed her arms and pulled her on top of him, tickling her instead.
Lily shrieked with glee, "Remus, stop, stop, please!" she pleaded. Remus laughed and stopped tickling her, Lily sighed in relief, breathing heavily from lack of oxygen. Catching her breath, Remus smiled and leaned up, kissing her gently on the lips, and Lily lost her breath again.
Remus stared up at Lily, his amber eyes looking unsurely into her emerald ones. "Oh Merlin, Lily…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…I…" Remus stuttered. Lily rolled her eyes and brought her lips back upon his, kissing him softly. Remus blushed slightly and grinned. James watched from a darkened corner, his lip trembling and jealousy raging through his body. He watched them flirt and he dreamed that he was in Remus' place and how happy he would be. But he wasn't Remus and he never would be, he'd never be with Lily Evans with the way that he acted.
The day passed swiftly and night was upon them. Dinner passed quietly for the Marauders, with the occasional glare from James at Remus and Lily holding hands under the table. Ash Lynn snickered and Sirius grinned cheekily. Remus and Peter were always left behind in the subject of girls but now he felt proud of Remus but still sympathized with James.
Lily and Remus sat alone in the common room that night talking quietly about life.
"What is life?" Remus asked, "I mean really…"
"Life is hell," Lily sighed.
"I suppose," Remus replied, shrugging, "But what iis/i hell?"
"Well, Hell is not the burning, intense flame that scorches the eternal soul. Hell is not a frozen, barren tundra that freezes time and emotions. Hell is a place but it is nothing you could ever wish to experience. It is waking up in the morning to an empty room filled with loneliness, staring at a ceiling that looks just as hopeless as it did the day before," Lily said, on her long explanation of Hell. Remus smiled quietly at her poetic soul, the soul that he loved so much.
Lily started again, "Hell is knowing that the pain of heartache has not faded and may never will. Hell is observing the world with no colors and living among the ashes of shattered hopes and dreams that have been left forever forgotten."
Her voice began to crack, "Hell is losing a friend very dear to you to the consuming death, losing faith and losing sight of the wonders and beauties of this now desolate Earth with closed eyes and staggered breaths, with heartbreaking rhythms. Hell is, it's our fears, every anxiety and suspicion, every questioning thought, Hell is a place that we created with our own overwhelming emotions, it is what we make it seem to be; it is our imagination and our pain. Hell is something you can never fully comprehend; it is not always real.
"It's like, when it seems your life has hit rock bottom and there's no way up and living in denial of the pain you know is there, of living in fear of no escape. It is looking into the eyes of a lover and reading between the lines, nothing's ever fair and nothing is what it ever seems, it is so surreal but so painful that sometimes. It seems death is more welcome than Hell; it's when you can go no further, when you've met your final road block, your final obstacle and you've given up. Hell is feeling the searing pain running its course through your veins, living in constant agony and defeat; running towards soothing misery.
"Can it be anymore? Even after the scars have all faded and the words are no longer visible, Hell will always be there--life will always be there. This is our own Hell, this life we're living. You can't escape, Remus. I...life is against me. It really is," she finished.
Remus hugged her tightly. Then smiled softly, "If life was against you, it'd be against me because then I would never have met you and I would never have fallen for you." Lily smiled gently and Remus kissed her forehead softly.
"It's getting late, we should head up to our dormitories," he said. Lily nodded and the two got up and walked towards the stone stairway. "Lily, does this mean we're...we're a couple?"
"I guess it does," Lily replied, smiling happily for the first time in years. She went to sleep that night dreaming of Remus and not nightmares of life catching up to her. Lily was finally away from life, she was free for now.
Taran and Rhenna were sitting on the floor crying, their once beautiful hair had now turned green with silver streaks running through it.
"Matches their personality quite well, don't you think?" The Marauders jumped at the voice and turned to see Ash Lynn standing behind them, grinning mischievously.
"You did that?" Sirius asked, smiling broadly.
"Lily did the actual spell but we both came up with the idea," she replied as if it weren't a huge accomplishment. Remus' stomach flip flopped at the sound of Lily's name, he heard James sigh beside him. He frowned inwardly and quietly made his way past the Marauders, who still stood talking with Ash Lynn and walked out of the common room.
"Hey, where'd Remus go?" Peter asked suddenly, "And where's Lily? How come she's not down here?" The Marauders looked around for their missing companion.
"Lily's in the dorm. I'm not really sure what she's doing, she told me to leave her alone for a while," Ash Lynn said shrugging. The portrait door opened and the group turned to expect Remus, however, it wasn't. Instead, Orien walked in, looking curiously at Rhenna and Taran before smiling dreamily. Lily walked down behind Ash Lynn and cleared her throat to gather the attention of the common room.
"Hey Lils!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing Lily and hugging her tightly, "That was something amazing you pulled off!" Lily smiled a bit, but the pain in her eyes revealed a different emotion. Her eyes began to wander around the common room before the fell upon Orien, who was still examining Rhenna and Taran's hair.
"Did you do this?" he asked her, his voice quiet and mysterious. Lily nodded shyly. "You have great skills that exceed many of us fourth years. You will be a wonderful witch someday, I can promise that. The heavens have already written your destiny," he replied, before walking upstairs to the boys' dorm.
"That boy is quite some character," Ash Lynn said. Sirius nodded in reply and grabbed Ash Lynn suddenly around the waist, twirling her 'round in circles, 'causing her to shriek with glee. Lily winced with jealousy and for a moment, her eyes caught James and they both looked at one another with sympathetic, sorrowful stares. Sirius noted the change in his best friend's behavior and put Ash Lynn down, but left his hand resting limply on her waist.
"Let's go down to breakfast, maybe we'll see Remus there!" James quickly agreed and Lily just hung back, sitting calmly in a armchair before the fire. Taran and Rhenna, too embarrassed to see any other students, ran back upstairs to their dorms and decided they didn't want to be seen wearing the Slytherin colors. Sirius grinned stupidly and hugged Ash Lynn tightly.
"Lily, are you coming?" she asked, calling over Sirius' shoulder.
"No," Lily said before sighing and resting her head on the body of the chair.
Slowly, it seemed as if the entire Gryffindor tower had made their procession down to breakfast. Lily sat in silence, curled up on the chair in a fetal position, making her seem weak and vulnerable.
Every day she watched on as Ash Lynn was constantly surrounded by friends and Sirius. She was always known, always the one to be greeted. None of the other Gryffindors even dared look at Lily and she couldn't understand this change. When the occasion occurred that one of the other members of her house did look at her or speak to her, they always wore a sneer on their face. It was as if everyone was taunting her, everyone was talking about her behind her back and she was alone again. She always ended up alone. It was if solitude was her eternal soul mate.
The sound of the portrait hole opening, startled Lily, but she remained in her position and just stared into the fire, hoping whoever had come back from breakfast early would soon leave. But she did not hear the portrait hole open again, she heard the echoes of footsteps making their way towards where she sat.
"Lily?" Lily sighed and frowned, she was discovered, but the voice was gentle and quiet. She looked up and her emerald eyes met amber ones. "You alright?" Remus asked, as he sat down on the arm of her chair. Lily turned so she was facing Remus and their gaze was never disconnected.
"Truthfully? I'm not…" she replied sadly. Remus stared at her with admiration and sorrow, both pairs of eyes conveying every emotion they were feeling at the moment. Lily's eyes played with misery, jealousy, and despondency and Remus could see her emotions and he felt as if a sudden, huge burden had been placed upon his heart. Her eyes seemed weary and her face looked aged, as if she were older than just fourteen. She had been weighed down heavily by the haunting memories of her past and it showed. But yet, still through her troubles, she appeared just as beautiful as an elegant and mysterious phoenix.
Her red hair was like flames burning and still never failing or seemingly ready to die. Her emerald eyes, lacking happiness or color, shined dully behind thick eyelashes. Her porcelain skin, like that of a doll, so fragile and delicate…Lily coughed, Remus was startled for a moment and he fell off the arm of her chair. He got up and brushed his robes, turning to see a smiling Lily.
Remus blushed and ran his fingers through his hair, nervously. Lily sat up and moved over, giving Remus room to sit on the chair next to herself. Remus sat down beside Lily, feeling her warmth like a fire, rushing through his body like a river of flames.
"Where'd you go this morning?" Lily questioned him, "When I came downstairs, the Marauders were there except for you."
"I…er…" Remus sat in thought for a moment, trying to place his thoughts into an actual sentence. "Things aren't really going so well for me," he started, "I just went for a quick walk to clear my mind."
"Want to talk about what's bothering you?"
"Only if you talk about what's bothering you," he stated, looking a bit uncomfortable. Lily sighed and agreed. "Go first," Remus urged.
"Is it wrong for me to be jealous of Ash Lynn?"
"No," Remus started, surprised. "Jealousy is a human emotion, we all are jealous at some point in time. If it's any condolence, I'm jealous of my best friends too," he said. Lily looked shocked.
"Why…?"
"Why shouldn't I? They have everything they could ever want and it's just placed there in front of them, they don't have to struggle for anything. It's like, sometimes, I wonder why I'm friends with them in the first place, me and Peter. We are so different from James and Sirius and yet we all are best friends. And…there's something about me you don't know," Remus confessed, "And I'm sure if you found out…you wouldn't want to talk to me again."
"Remus, nothing in this world could stop me from being friends with anyone, including you. I don't judge people because of who they are or what they do. It's not who I am. Though sometimes I wish I weren't me…" Lily said.
"Why? Lily, you're such a wonderful person. Ash Lynn talks about you all the time and never does she say anything that would give you a bad label. Lily, you have to stop living in the past and focus on the present!" Remus said.
"Sometimes, you should take your own advice," Lily replied quietly. The two sat in silence for a few moments and Remus looked over at Lily as tears fell from her eyes.
"Why are you crying?"
"Because sometimes I'd rather live in the past than in the present. The present is cruel with reality, the past is just a dream and I'd rather live a dream where I never knew what pain and heartache was. Where I didn't know any emotions and I could be happy with the way I am. But I can't, not here, not now. Because I have nothing to be happy about, I have nothing to live for. Sometimes, I'd rather die than be living here, ignored and unwanted. I want someone to love me!" Lily sobbed. Remus instinctively wrapped his arms around Lily's body and pulled her close, rocking her back in forth in a soothing sort of manner. He buried his face in her hair, drinking in her scent and he cried.
Remus cried for Lily and her pain. He cried for himself and his past, for all the mistakes he ever made and wished he could take back. He cried for love. He wanted to be the one to love Lily, he wanted to be the one who Lily wanted to love. And as the sobs racked her body and as he cried silently with her, the formed a silent truce--that they'd always be there for one another. Lily trusted him.
The sound of loud voices outside the common room made Lily and Remus aware that breakfast was over.
"I'm going to go," Lily said, a bit breathless from crying heavily, "Thanks Remus, thanks for being there for me," she said sincerely. Remus smiled gently and wiped the tears from her face and he watched her fleeting figure mournfully.
The portrait hole opened and hordes of Gryffindor students walked in after their breakfast, talking animatedly to one another with plans for the weekend.
"Remus!" he heard Sirius exclaim from somewhere behind him. Remus got up from the chair and realized how cold he felt without Lily's warm body beside his. He turned around to face his friends and they looked at him oddly. He then remembered that he had been crying and he probably looked as though he was.
"Remus, are you alright?" Ash Lynn exclaimed. Remus wiped the dried tears from his eyes and nodded meekly.
"Where'd you got his morning?" Peter piped in.
"I just went for a walk, sorry for not telling you."
"No problem. Are you sure you're alright? Have you seen Lily, by any chance?" Ash Lynn questioned.
"I…I…yeah," Remus said uncertainly, staring at the ground. The Marauders looked at Remus curiously but did not press the matter. Ash Lynn pushed her way past Remus and went upstairs to the girls' dorm in search of Lily.
Sirius pushed Remus down into the chair and looked at him, eye to eye. "Remus, what really happened? Don't lie to us. You've been crying!"
"I…well, I…" Remus began to stutter. Peter stood behind Sirius and was mumbling incoherently and James was staring at him, waiting for a reply. But Remus was saved when the Marauders heard a shriek from the girls' dormitory. The sounds of an argument floated down to them and they could catch phrases.
"…Bloody git!" "…deserve what you…" And then the sound of a palm making contact with skin. The Marauders stood dumbfounded and then they heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stone stairs. Appearing in the doorway were Rhenna and Taran, their faces flushed and their hair still silver and green. They huffed angrily and stalked out of the common room. Ash Lynn and Lily soon appeared and Ash Lynn was covering her cheek gently with her own hand. Lily's face was tear-streaked and she held the remains of a diary in her hands.
"Rhenna burned the diary my parents gave me for Christmas," she said sniffling and wiping the tears away.
"What happened to you, Ash?" Sirius said, immediately hugging her to comfort his shocked girlfriend.
"I called her a bloody git and she slapped me…that evil, wretched creature slapped me!" Ash Lynn spat. "God, I hate her." James' growled and the other Marauders stared at him in surprise.
"I'm sick of them treating you to like this!" he exclaimed angrily, "It's not fair because you certainly didn't do anything to deserve that. I'm sorry Ash and Lily," he said gently and enclosed both of them in a hug. Lily looked uncomfortable and she became tense. James sensed this and released her, staring at her inquisitively. She faked a smile and thanked James.
Sirius took his girlfriend's wrist and led her over to the nearest couch, sitting her down and held her close. Ash Lynn sighed in content and rested her head on Sirius' shoulder. Peter sat in an armchair and pulled homework out of his bag, still mumbling to himself. James took Peter's lead and decided to get his homework done so he would have the rest of the day and Sunday to just have fun. Remus and Lily still stood standing, looking around awkwardly. Remus sat down next to James and peered at the parchment he had begun to write and grinned. 'How to Treat the Slytherins." Professor Kirkaldy had given that to James after he had caught James hexing the Slytherins during his class.
Remus felt the weight of Lily's body sinking in next to his and he felt that warmth once again, along with the butterflies that danced in his stomach. He turned to face her, her cheeks still red from crying, and her hair burned brightly, reflected by the glow from the flames of the fire. He smiled warmly at her and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tenderly as if he was reassuring her that things would be alright. Sirius glanced over and saw what Remus had done and nudged Ash Lynn gently she looked up at him curiously and she followed his gaze to Remus and Lily. She smiled and looked at Sirius again before kissing him softly on the lips.
"They're cute together," she said, nuzzling Sirius.
"Yeah," Sirius agreed, whispering in her ear, "But so are we," he said grinning. Ash Lynn laughed and laid her head back down against Sirius' chest, listening to his heart beat.
James looked over to ask a Remus a question but he stopped when he saw Remus holding hands with Lily and talking in quiet voices. A fire burned angrily within his soul and jealousy raged on. 'Why can't that be me?' he asked himself. Heartbreak wasn't an emotion he felt often.
"Just use spare pieces of parchment until you can get a new diary," Remus said. Lily nodded.
"It's just, it was something I could remember my parents by. I have nothing except picture and still, pictures fade with time…as do lives."
"Lives don't fade, pasts do…" Remus replied absently.
"Remus, what happened in your past?" Lily questioned. Remus sighed, the question was inevitable and he knew he had to answer it eventually.
"Lily," he started, glancing around the common room, which was filled with students, "Let's go somewhere private," he said while grabbing Lily's arm and leading her out of the room. Remus lead her outside, their feet crunched the snow beneath them as they walked. They walked as if they had no direct destination and were just walking to anywhere. They ended up by a rock near the lake, the wind was cold and it bit Lily's cheeks harshly. She shivered slightly and Remus pulled her closer.
"Lily, what I'm going to tell you, you have to promise not to hate me for it," he said grimly. Lily nodded. "Lily…when I was four--I…I was, well…I was bitten by a werewolf," he said quickly. Lily's eyes widened in shock and Remus assumed the worst, he hung his head in shame and was quite surprised when he felt Lily's arms snake around his waist, pulling him into a tight hug.
"I'm sorry Remus. I should've known…I should've noticed that you left every month around the full moon," Lily started and then her face was creased with worry, "Tomorrow night's the full moon," she said. Remus nodded and as if her reminder was right on cue, a rush of pain rushed through Remus' body and he whimpered in pain. "Are you okay?" she asked. Remus nodded weakly.
"It hurts sometimes, before the full moon." Lily nodded in understanding. "I'm really glad you're not turning away from me," he whispered, "I don't think I could stand losing you."
"You know I never would," she said smiling, "That's not me." Remus smiled in return and hugged her. "Let's go back inside, it's freezing out," she said as she jumped off the rock. Remus followed her and winced slightly when he landed, his body still in pain and together they walked back towards the castle, hand in hand, displaying a newfound friendship.
James stared angrily at Lily and Remus as they walked into the common room, talking calmly. What he wouldn't give to be in Remus' place right now.
"This is the Lily that I like," Remus said, "So open, smiling, and seemingly carefree."
Lily's smile disappeared slightly. "Appearances lie." Remus looked confused. Lily shrugged in reply and began to walk away but Remus grabbed a hold of her arm.
"Lily, what was that supposed to mean?"
Lily sighed, "It just means that because I'm happy on the outside, doesn't mean I am happy on the inside. I mean, I really am happy on the inside, just not as much as I could be. It's like an inner battle between emotions, trying to dominate one another." Remus frowned as he and Lily sat down on the far end of the couch where James sat.
"Lily, you know, we're friends now," he said, "You can trust me with anything and I swear I won't tell a single soul. If there's something bothering you, then I want to know," he added, seriously.
"I know," Lily said, looking down at her hands, they seemed fascinating. "It's just sometimes I feel caged, you know? We all create our own prisons, I guess and the crime we've committed is how much we hate ourselves. I mean, it's good to pretend and admit the truth sometimes and so, when you really look closely, you can see that in some strange and complicated way--everyone's beautiful. I wish that I could say I was."
"But Lily, you are beautiful. Merlin, the moment I laid eyes on you, I was mesmerized. Sometimes it seems as though you honestly could be a fallen angel. Please believe me when I say that because I don't lie."
"A fallen angel, Remus? Angels are heavenly creatures and I'm far from heavenly. Thinking of all my past regrets I would probably be one of Satan's minions."
"Okay, I don't mean it like that. I meant that you're as beautiful as an angel. But, you would be far from being one of Satan's minions! I think you're more like a short story."
"A short story?" Lily questioned, trying to suppress a laugh.
"A short story," Remus repeated, "A short story written in words, thoughts, and emotions. You make it longer every day, adding to it each minute. Making it more complex with each and every second that you are alive. You are the writer of this story and you keep writing with this crimson ink. Now, how will your story end? Lifeless? Loveless? Meaningless. Take your pen and start a new chapter in your story. You think that since you are the writer, that you have total control of it all...but you don't."
"I don't? Remus, it's my life. I think I do have control of it," Lily protested.
"There's your publishers, your proofreaders, the editors, and readers. They all have come along to try and change your story, and in someway, they have...without you knowing. They change it all the time. And there's nothing you can do about it."
"Not have friends who try so much to change my life," Lily muttered in reply.
But Remus ignored her and continued on. "So much for your creative edge. So much for your artistic vision. Your story, your life is crumbling. You've realized that you don't have total control and you can't handle it. And it shows in your story and your life. Your story is losing it's heart, and now you've lost yours," he said sadly.
Lily looked at him, her eyes were silently pleading for help while her lips remained motionless, sounds were inaudible, she knew what he said was true.
Finally, she found the words she needed to speak, the words Remus was dying to hear, and the words James was dreading, "Help me find my heart."
James overheard the entire conversation between Remus and Lily and throughout, he had to control his emotions from taking the best of him. But Lily's response had sent him over the edge, it felt as though his heart had been shattered into thousands of bleeding pieces. He felt his blood boil, Remus had advanced on his girl. But a voice in his head quietly reminded him that Lily was not his and though Remus was sure that James had fancied Lily, he could not control his emotions too. Still, James was angered and he threw his quill down in frustration, knocking over his ink bottle. He stormed out of the common room and left his essay on the table, forgotten and unfinished.
The ink stained James' essay, and though they didn't know it then, that black ink would stain their white facade of appearances as their years faded. Peter watched with his mouth agape, utterly confused of the happenings and Sirius turned to Remus, who stood looking at the portrait hole, ready to go after James. But Lily held Remus back, her fingers were wrapped firmly around his wrist and Remus' face was wrinkled with worry and fear. Remus was afraid of James' wrath.
Lily released Remus' wrist slowly after a few moments of thought and watched him as he bolted out of the common room. Ash Lynn motioned for Lily to move down the couch, more towards her, Sirius, and Peter. A clear look of disgust crossed Peter's face and Lily looked at him questioningly but he refused to meet her gaze. She sat where James had sat moments before, the seat still released his warmth and Lily's worried and tense body relaxed slightly. She sighed deeply and stared blankly into the fire.
"What exactly just happened?" Ash Lynn questioned. Lily shrugged. "Are you and Remus..." she started.
"No!" Lily exclaimed, "We're just friends. Friends trying to help one another out in times of need." Ash Lynn looked at her doubtingly. "Honestly, he's just helping me try to figure myself out," she said, noticing Ash Lynn's uncertainty. "And maybe help me find my heart," she added quietly. Ash Lynn smiled knowingly, while Sirius frowned.
"What's wrong Sirius?" Ash Lynn asked.
"Nothing," he said quickly, "I'm going to find Remus and James," he finished as he got up, kissing his girlfriend on the forehead, he walked out of the portrait hole in search of his friends.
Remus caught up with James as he walked briskly out of the Great Hall and onto Hogwarts grounds.
"James!" Remus called after him but James kept walking, ignoring his friends cries. "Please, James, just hear me out!" James turned around and Remus found himself cowering from the sight James was giving.
"Hear you out? Hear what out? Remus, you knew I fancied her. You knew it and you still went after her! I can't believe you!" Remus frowned.
"James, I can't help how my heart feels. Do you want me to go against what my heart says? James, I know you fancy her but I can't help it! Please, I am so sorry, just know this--we're not going out!"
"What about the whole, 'help me find my heart?' I heard you guys talking! Remus, my heart feels as though it's been torn out of my chest!"
"Mate, you don't understand how much turmoil is going on in my life right now! I can't take you being angry at me just because of a girl!" Remus said, almost whining.
"A girl? Lily isn't just a girl, Remus, she's absolutely gorgeous," James said.
"Is that all that matters to you?" Remus spat. "Looks? Bloody hell, James, Lily is more than just looks. If you actually took the time to talk to her, you'd understand her. She has the heart of a dreamer and her thoughts are so profound and meaningful that they could probably even make you rethink your life. She's not just gorgeous, she has more layers than one, you know. If you ever do get the chance to actually see those bottom layers, you'd realize how thin they're becoming. She's losing everything, James, including her heart. And if you're only after her because of what she looks like, then you don't deserve her at all," Remus said angrily as he turned on his heels and left a stunned James standing outside in the bitter cold. James was too preoccupied to even realize he was shivering subconsciously and his face was creased with a frown. Was there more to girls than looks?
Sirius ran into the Great Hall as Remus was storming in from outside. The look on his face was murderous and Sirius was shocked that Remus could get so worked up about something.
"Hey, mate," Sirius timidly said, "Are you alright?"
"Just fine," huffed Remus, his face was still pink from the cold.
"I…er…alright. Uh…have you seen James?"
Remus growled and Sirius stepped back. "He's outside," Remus said angrily, "That bloody prat," he muttered. Sirius frowned but let Remus continue on his angry rampage while he went outside to speak with James.
Sirius found James pacing around the lake, his hair was ruffled from the bitter wind and his face was pale. His hazel eyes were glaring dangerously at the air, as if it were trying to invade his privacy. James' glasses were slowly slipping off his nose but he didn't seem to notice. Sirius began to walk closer to James and the air surrounding him seemed colder than anywhere else. He slowly put his hand on James' shoulder and James stared at him with his tear stained eyes. The eyes that always refused to cry, the eyes that always seemed to betray him--showing every emotion.
"I don't know anymore…" James croaked. His confusion was true and the thought of girls actually being beautiful on the inside? Well, that just seemed ridiculous--at least with all the girls he had dated. But maybe, Lily was different and for James, that was something he needed to find out.
Sirius looked at James sympathetically. "This is up to you James. I can't help you." James nodded despairingly and looked to the snow covered ground, shivering slightly as he now noticed how cold he felt. "C'mon mate, it's time for lunch."
James and Sirius walked side by side into the castle. James was inwardly battling his conscience and Sirius was deep in think. Both were silent and their thoughts went unspoken. They heavy set doors were opened and James felt a wave of warmth rush over his numb body and the color in his skin returned. He sighed heavily and left Sirius at the entrance to the Great Hall.
"I have to go to the common room," James stated before walking away. Sirius walked into the Great Hall and towards the Gryffindor table where Lily and Ash Lynn were deep in conversation and Peter was sitting a few seats away from them, looking quite dejected.
"Jealous? Who does he think he is, that arrogant twit!? Does he think that every girl will go out with him? I'm surprised his big ego can fit through any door," Lily exclaimed angrily, after Ash Lynn said why she thought James had abruptly left. Sirius frowned.
"Lily," he started.
"No, Sirius, don't even try to defend James. If he's going to treat his friends like that just because of me, just because one girl chose someone else over him, I don't even want to speak to him. I met Remus on the way down here, Sirius, you should have seen his face!" Lily sighed in frustration.
"I know, I know. But, I don't know what to do, Lily! This is between Remus and James, I'm not involved."
"It's between Remus and James over me!" Lily miserably said. Ash Lynn patted her back and Sirius stared at his empty plate.
"Where is Remus?" Sirius asked.
"He went wandering," Ash Lynn answered. Lily was playing with the food on her plate and her eyes were unfocused as though she had pulled herself into a different world. Ash Lynn looked up when she heard the doors of the Great Hall opening and saw James walking towards them, a frown on his face. He sat down next to Sirius and buried his face into his hands.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked. James shook his head, indicating that he didn't feel like talking and Sirius shrugged when Ash Lynn gave him an inquisitive glance.
A few moments later, the doors to the hall opened once more and a haggard looking Remus stumbled in. He didn't look at James at all and sat down next to Lily, staring at the ground. The atmosphere around the Marauders was quiet, Sirius tried to start a conversation but was denied. He sighed and turned around, facing the Slytherins, then at Snape.
Sirius smiled and pulled his wand out and muttered 'tarantallegra.' Sirius watched with amusement as Snape began to dance and grinned with satisfaction when he saw the other Marauders laughing heartily, forgetting their anger for a moment. But as soon as an angry McGonagall undid the spell and Snape stopped dancing, James and Remus stopped talking and looked the other way. Neither said a word to one another, even when McGonagall came over and gave the four Marauders detention and neither spoke when they left the Great Hall.
The Marauders and the two girls walked in the Gryffindor Tower, along with the rest of the Gryffindor house. Lily fell upon the sofa with a sigh and closed her eyes, her stomach lying on the cushions. She felt someone sit next to her and she knew it was Remus. She heard Ash Lynn and Sirius talking in whispers and then leave once more. She didn't know what James and Peter were doing and frankly, she didn't care.
Lily buried her head into the cushions of the sofa but brought her head back up because she found the cushion to be dusty. She coughed slightly and turned onto her back, staring at the ceiling. She heard Remus clear his throat next to her and she brought herself up, resting on her elbows to stare at him with a raised eyebrow. He sadly smiled at her and rested his head on the back of the couch. Lily sat up and made her way next to Remus, she laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her waist.
"I'm sorry about James," he said. "I don't know what to do."
"Remus, don't worry about James. If he really was your true friend, then he'll come through. You can't fight over a girl, especially over me--that's pretty idiotic."
"No it's not!" Remus defended, "I mean, I don't want to lose my friendship with James but still, I can't prevent my heart from loving someone," he added truthfully. Lily smiled and prodded Remus gently.
"Hey!" he said laughing, "That tickles." Lily grinned and poked him again in the side and continued tickling him. Remus grabbed her arms and pulled her on top of him, tickling her instead.
Lily shrieked with glee, "Remus, stop, stop, please!" she pleaded. Remus laughed and stopped tickling her, Lily sighed in relief, breathing heavily from lack of oxygen. Catching her breath, Remus smiled and leaned up, kissing her gently on the lips, and Lily lost her breath again.
Remus stared up at Lily, his amber eyes looking unsurely into her emerald ones. "Oh Merlin, Lily…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…I…" Remus stuttered. Lily rolled her eyes and brought her lips back upon his, kissing him softly. Remus blushed slightly and grinned. James watched from a darkened corner, his lip trembling and jealousy raging through his body. He watched them flirt and he dreamed that he was in Remus' place and how happy he would be. But he wasn't Remus and he never would be, he'd never be with Lily Evans with the way that he acted.
The day passed swiftly and night was upon them. Dinner passed quietly for the Marauders, with the occasional glare from James at Remus and Lily holding hands under the table. Ash Lynn snickered and Sirius grinned cheekily. Remus and Peter were always left behind in the subject of girls but now he felt proud of Remus but still sympathized with James.
Lily and Remus sat alone in the common room that night talking quietly about life.
"What is life?" Remus asked, "I mean really…"
"Life is hell," Lily sighed.
"I suppose," Remus replied, shrugging, "But what iis/i hell?"
"Well, Hell is not the burning, intense flame that scorches the eternal soul. Hell is not a frozen, barren tundra that freezes time and emotions. Hell is a place but it is nothing you could ever wish to experience. It is waking up in the morning to an empty room filled with loneliness, staring at a ceiling that looks just as hopeless as it did the day before," Lily said, on her long explanation of Hell. Remus smiled quietly at her poetic soul, the soul that he loved so much.
Lily started again, "Hell is knowing that the pain of heartache has not faded and may never will. Hell is observing the world with no colors and living among the ashes of shattered hopes and dreams that have been left forever forgotten."
Her voice began to crack, "Hell is losing a friend very dear to you to the consuming death, losing faith and losing sight of the wonders and beauties of this now desolate Earth with closed eyes and staggered breaths, with heartbreaking rhythms. Hell is, it's our fears, every anxiety and suspicion, every questioning thought, Hell is a place that we created with our own overwhelming emotions, it is what we make it seem to be; it is our imagination and our pain. Hell is something you can never fully comprehend; it is not always real.
"It's like, when it seems your life has hit rock bottom and there's no way up and living in denial of the pain you know is there, of living in fear of no escape. It is looking into the eyes of a lover and reading between the lines, nothing's ever fair and nothing is what it ever seems, it is so surreal but so painful that sometimes. It seems death is more welcome than Hell; it's when you can go no further, when you've met your final road block, your final obstacle and you've given up. Hell is feeling the searing pain running its course through your veins, living in constant agony and defeat; running towards soothing misery.
"Can it be anymore? Even after the scars have all faded and the words are no longer visible, Hell will always be there--life will always be there. This is our own Hell, this life we're living. You can't escape, Remus. I...life is against me. It really is," she finished.
Remus hugged her tightly. Then smiled softly, "If life was against you, it'd be against me because then I would never have met you and I would never have fallen for you." Lily smiled gently and Remus kissed her forehead softly.
"It's getting late, we should head up to our dormitories," he said. Lily nodded and the two got up and walked towards the stone stairway. "Lily, does this mean we're...we're a couple?"
"I guess it does," Lily replied, smiling happily for the first time in years. She went to sleep that night dreaming of Remus and not nightmares of life catching up to her. Lily was finally away from life, she was free for now.