Chapter Twenty: A Mirror Reflected Past
The air was cold and it bit hard. Breath was visible and it cast a silent coat of arms around the breather. Snow fell lightly and landed in tousled gray fur. Amber eyes glared from behind a thicket of darkness that blanketed the woods. The wolf ran after its prey, the adrenaline rush from the screams and cries of its victim. The dark red hair fell down her back, like blood, and the wolf needed the blood. But, the girl quickly turned and faced the wolf and it skidded to a stop, staring at his prey. She glared at him, emerald clashing with ocher and the chase began again. Except now, the predator became the prey and he ran and howled as though each second passing was one more second, he had to live. The evil gleam in her eye made his heart freeze, colder than the air. The glint of a silver dagger flashed brilliantly as the light from the sun reflected like a mirror, blinding him temporarily. His lungs hurt and his heart ached and the dagger was falling faster and faster towards piercing his skin…
Remus woke with a start. The same nightmare haunted his dreams for days on end, it had no meaning, no purpose, it just was. His face was wet with sweat as if he had been running from the images in his dreams, running on end. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and lay back down again, the room was still dark and dawn was a few hours ago. Remus sighed heavily and looked around. His four roommates were sleeping heavily, Peter was snoring loudly, and Sirius was muttering in his sleep. James and Orien slept peacefully and without noise. Pain ran through his body, reminding him that the full moon was that night. He groaned inwardly and cursed himself, forever times eternity, for the pain he put himself through. Remus yawned sleepily and closed his eyes, falling asleep once more.
Sadly, the sun rose upon the sadder boy, incapable of his own happiness, he resigned to let the sorrow eat away at him. James woke up at the first sight of the mourning sun and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, getting rid of the dried tears. He looked at his pillow, it too was dried with wasted tears, and he punched it hard causing a few feathers to fly out. Looking around the dimly sunlit room, his eyes fell upon Remus and his anger was still present but the dominant emotion at the moment had been despair. Seeing Remus and Lily kissing tore his heart into shattered, irreplaceable pieces that could never be fit together again, a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. There was a cavity in his heart, filled with unwanted melancholy. He needed a girlfriend, a girlfriend that could help him evade this heartache. Sirius coughed and rolled out of his bed, falling to the floor with a crash. The dorm awoke with a fright and Peter got tangled up in his sheets that he too, like Sirius, fell out of his bed. Sirius laughed at Peter and James was oddly reminded of a dog's bark, he smiled at Sirius's carefree nature and threw his pillow at Sirius's head.
"Be quiet, Sirius! People are still trying to sleep without you barking," James said smirking, though his heart felt so different. He was being pulled into two different worlds with two different emotions trying to overshadow one another. He sighed and fell back on his bed and yawned, burying his face in his sheets he breathed in his own familiar scent. He pulled the sheets closer to him and hugged them tight, hoping that he could fall asleep again. But Sirius had a different idea and threw the pillow back at James, hitting him on the side of the face. James groaned and got up and glared at Sirius, who at the moment, had a mischievous glint in his eyes. James understood immediately.
"What do you say?" James asked excitedly. Remus sat on the edge of his bed to listen to Sirius while Peter poked his head up from where he sat on the floor. Sirius grinned and whispered his plan to his three best friends.
The Marauders walked into the Great Hall that morning looking excited, though still tense because of the situation between Remus and James. But it seemed for the moment, they were going to put their differences aside to have fun for a little while. The four sat at the Gryffindor table and piled food onto their plates, trying not to look too conspicuously. Remus looked haggard and pale, his light hair was tousled, and amber eyes were tired. James noticed his friend's appearance and in the back of his mind, he wanted to apologize for everything he said. He wanted things to be normal between them and the silence between them was unbearable. But his tongue refused to let the 'I'm sorry' roll off. His voice box wouldn't work and in someway he thought that it should be Remus to apologize for blowing up in his face over nothing. But it wasn't over nothing. It was over Lily. Lily, Merlin, she was beautiful. 'There I go again…maybe Remus is right.'
James looked up when he felt a small ache in his stomach.
"Where you have been, mate? Lost in your mind somewhere, eh? I've been poking you for ages and you've just been sitting there staring at your food. We have pranks to pull!" Sirius exclaimed. James grinned and looked at Peter and Remus. Peter had the same excited look that Sirius had, plastered on his face. Remus just looked downright tired. He yawned sleepily and rubbed his eyes, it seemed he didn't get much sleep the night before.
"What's the incantation?" Sirius asked Remus. Remus yawned again and mumbled the spell. Sirius' eyes lit up and James tried to bite his tongue, laughing at the moment would make it too obvious that the Marauders pulled the prank, though once it had happened, everyone would know it was the Marauders. No other could ever compare to their pranks.
James and Sirius pulled out their wands and turned themselves to face the Slytherin table. Trying hard not to hit anyone from the other houses with the spell, they moved so they had a clear aim. When James could clearly see Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape clearly, he nudged Sirius with his elbow, signaling it was time.
The wands were trained on Snape and Malfoy and after muttering the incantation, 'homopurpura anatinus' James and Sirius burst into laughter. The noise of breakfast in the Great Hall was silenced by the Slytherins who stood up in shock. For standing on their table stood two purple ducks right where Snape and Malfoy had been sitting. Remus laughed weakly and clapped Sirius on the back and Peter sat clapping excitedly. McGonagall stormed from the teacher's table to reverse the spell and marched over to the Marauders.
"Well, hello my dear Professor McGonagall!" Sirius said cheerfully, "Lovely day isn't it," he cheekily added. McGonagall was fuming.
"You four, add another detention to your list and twenty points from Gryffindor! I'll send a note to you four this evening as to when you are to serve your two detentions!" she reprimanded, heading back towards the table. The Marauders saw a little smirk playing on Professor Dumbledore's lips and they smiled broadly.
Lily stared at the Marauders sulkily. 'Always pulling pranks on other people--have no decency.' She poked her food with her fork but her stomach refused hunger.
"You going to eat?" Ash Lynn asked. Lily shook her head and lay her head down tiredly. Ash Lynn raised a questioning eyebrow but didn't press her further.
"So Remus," Sirius started, looking at his friend curiously, "Are you and Lily are couple now?" he asked, grinning. Lily coughed and Remus scratched his head nervously.
"Well…uh…" he looked at James, worriedly. James shrugged and gave Remus a reassuring smile, as though their problems had been lightened slightly. "…maybe, I suppose," Remus stuttered. Sirius laughed and Remus blushed slightly.
It seemed that things between the Marauders were all right for the moment but Remus and James kept shooting each other glances that were obviously of wonderment and anxiety. Conversations were bare that morning except for when Sirius kept bringing up the fact that Malfoy and Snape were ducks this morning and not just any ducks, they were purple ducks. Ash Lynn rolled her eyes but complimented the boys on their accomplishment.
Lily got up suddenly and grabbed her books; her plate of food was forgotten and uneaten. The Marauders and Ash Lynn watched Lily as she walked out of the Great Hall and turned towards the dungeons, heading towards their first class, Potions.
"What's wrong with her this morning?" Sirius asked.
"I have absolutely no idea," Ash Lynn said, "But I'm going to head to Potions too and maybe talk to her. See you guys in a bit," she said as she got up and followed Lily's steps out of the Great Hall.
"Hey Lils!" Ash Lynn greeted as she sat next to her at their Potions bench.
"'Lo," Lily mumbled from behind the pages of a book.
"What are you reading?" Ash Lynn asked.
"A book," Lily replied.
"Lils, what's wrong? You were fine last night with Remus and now this morning you're a complete stranger. What happened?"
"Nothing," Lily shrugged.
"Lily, it is something. You can't just change your personality overnight and expect me to believe that it was nothing!"
"Why does everyone have to be in my business?" Lily exclaimed angrily, "Can't I have a just a few seconds to myself without people constantly asking me if I'm alright?! I'm not fragile; I'm not going to break. I don't need anyone to watch me like a hawk every second and swoop down on me every time I show the slightest trace of being sad!
Is it wrong for me to be sad? Can't I be sad for no reason? Can't some random memory just pop up and cause me to rethink my life and all the mistakes I've ever made? What if I wanted to relive my life and every mistake I ever made, what if I changed my route in life? What if…Merlin, I'm sick of asking myself what if? I'm sick of answering those questions for everyone else. Why can't people leave me be?!" she cried out, slamming her book on the table.
"I don't know, Lily, I don't know," Ash Lynn replied sadly, pulling her friend into a hug as Lily cried.
"I want my parents back," she whispered.
"I know you do. I'd want my parents back to if I could never see them again. Merlin knows that I would go to the end of the world to bring them back for you but I can't. I want you to be happy. Be happy with Remus, have fun, enjoy life. Stop worrying about the little things and the big things. Push them aside and let yourself enjoy what you have before your life slips away before your eyes." Lily sighed and nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes. She stared at the ground as the rest of the class filed in for the morning's potions lesson.
Remus glanced at Lily and bit his bottom lip, having the urge to walk up to her and hug her tightly, to protect her from all the evils in her life. James looked at Remus and saw the wanting in his eyes, he looked at Lily and saw all the pain and heartache she felt in her life. He felt a connection to her that he could not identify and for the faintest moment, he felt as though he could see her soul. Though, it seemed so distant and cold, it was fragile and beautiful. Her mind was so poetic in the ways she could express her emotions and he knew right then that he needed her to complete him. But she was so far away, she was Remus' now and it seemed as though she would never be his. For the moment, he thought he needed someone else, just some other girl to temporarily fill the hole in his heart, but that little hole could only be completed by Lily.
Morning classes passed quickly and without interest, Sirius and James didn't even jinx anyone between classes in the hall. Lily seemed quite surprised and her mood improved very little that morning. Sirius spent lunch between talking with Ash Lynn and doing homework for Charms. Remus tried to engage Lily in a conversation but she was absorbed in writing in her diary.
"Lily?" he asked, nudging her slightly.
"Hmm?" she replied, looking up from her diary, into his reproachful eyes.
"Something bothering you?"
"Everything's always a bother," she replied. Remus' face furrowed with worry. "I received a letter last night…" Lily started, "From my sister."
"Oh," Remus asked, apparently confused.
Lily smiled sadly, "She hates me. She truly, honestly hates me," Lily seethed. "Well, she so kindly informed me last night that she was moving in with her boyfriend and that she never wanted to ever see me again. Never." Remus sighed and hugged Lily, resting his head on her shoulder.
"Sorry," he muttered into her robes.
"It's not your fault. But with my parents gone…and my sister abandoning me, who do I have left?" she asked. Lily was afraid of being alone.
Remus looked up and stared intently into her eyes. "You have me," Remus said confidently, "You'll always have me."
"But knowing my luck, Fate will take you away from me."
Remus sighed, "If Fate doesn't want us together…then it happens. But no matter what Fate says, it can't stop how I feel."
"How do you feel?"
"I feel…" Remus paused for a moment to think before he spoke, "I feel as though I'm floating on air. When I'm around you, butterflies are swarming in my stomach and I want to be sick with nervousness and excitement. I feel ecstatic around you. Lily, if you haven't figured it out yet, I was the one who wrote that letter to you. I've watched you from afar and your pain is so intense. It hurts me, my heart breaks every time I see you cry and I want to cry too. Both our lives have been full of heartache and pain, why can't we share the pain, to ease it? Lily, I…I think I'm in love with you."
Lily's heart stopped beating for a second and her voice was caught in her throat, her only response was a stutter and then a jumble of words that came out at the same time. Remus bit his lip nervously. "Sorry, I probably shouldn't have said that."
Lily looked at Remus mournfully. "Remus, I'm afraid to fall in love," she said timidly. "I'm afraid that if I fall for you, I won't be able to find my way back. I'm afraid that my sadness will overshadow me and you won't want to be with me anymore. I'm afraid of loving and then losing. I don't want to lose anyone anymore.
"I'm scared to get close to people. Whether they're friends or whatever, it seems that every time I get close to someone, they always have to go away. Maybe it's to teach me how life goes on and how I shouldn't depend on people so much, or maybe I just trust the wrong people."
Remus sighed heavily before replying. "Lily, one day you will find your one true love and you will know. You'll feel those butterflies in your stomach and your knees will get so weak that you feel you don't have the strength to walk when you're around him. He may not be me and maybe I'll never get the chance to be yours or anyone's true love, but when you find him, I'll always be here for you."
Lily smiled gently. "I'm glad, and Remus, I know for a fact that you will find someone who will love you. Perhaps one day it will be me," she replied, squeezing Remus' knee lightly. Remus rested his hand on Lily's lower back and his head on hers. He smiled in her hair; she was so intoxicating that he wanted to get drunk of her smell.
"It's time for Herbology," Remus said suddenly. Lily nodded and gathered her books, standing up, she glanced around the Great Hall and down the Gryffindor table. She saw Ash Lynn sitting with the other Marauders, Lily caught her eye and Ash Lynn gave her a reassuring smile.
Lily and Remus walked over to the Marauders and greeted them. Lily waited for Ash Lynn to gather her things before the two walked to Herbology together, leaving the Marauders to themselves. Sirius gave both Remus and James a pat on the back and dragged Peter with him to catch up to the girls, giving Remus and James time alone to speak out their feelings. The two began to talk while walking towards the Herbology greenhouses.
"James--"
"Remus, look, I'm sorry. I was a jerk," James said. Remus sighed.
"I shouldn't have been so harsh on you…"
"No, Remus, you were being honest. I really want to change though, Remus." Remus smiled fondly at the nickname given to him by the Marauders and inside he deeply regretted ever becoming angry with James.
"I don't know what to do though James. I don't want to lose you as a friend, there aren't many people out there who could accept a werewolf for who he really is," Remus said sadly, looking down towards his shoes in shame, "But I've never felt happier than when I'm with Lily. I don't want to have to choose."
James sighed heavily and knew the burden his friend must be carrying. At the moment, the new and improved James Potter decided to take a turn at speaking. "Rem, you don't have to choose. Stay with Lily and still be my friend, it's the only way. I won't mind, I won't...I just want you to be happy. I don't know what else you could do…"
"James, why do you want to change so much?" Remus asked curiously.
"Even if I can never get Lily to love me back, I want to be her friend. I don't want to be left out in the dark while everyone else knows how she's feeling or what she's doing. I don't want her to feel scared or shy around me. I want to know the real Lily Evans, to know her the way you know her."
"James, you shouldn't change yourself just for one person. You are you. I don't know why anyone would change who they've already become to be accepted by one person."
"But I want to change as well. I hate who I've become, so arrogant and self-centered…"
"If you were self-centered you wouldn't care so much about your friends," Remus butted in. James sighed and shrugged in response. "I mean, if you really want to change, go ahead. Just don't change too much. We still want to know our old James."
"Of course, Remmy. I wouldn't become a whole new person. I just think I should become more understanding of people's feelings. I want to know Lily beyond her looks."
"Well, if you put it that way, I'm sure she'd love to know you as well," Remus smirked.
"Are you being sarcastic?" James questioned.
"Oh, look, we're at Herbology!" Remus said, changing the subject. James looked at him questioningly but Remus smiled knowingly and James punched Remus lightly. "Hey, hey, violence isn't the answer!" the two boys walked in the greenhouse laughing quietly to themselves before taking their seats as
"So, I take it you worked things out," Sirius stated as James sat next to him.
"I take it that we did," James replied.
"Well, what happened?" Sirius asked.
"Mr. Black! I am trying to conduct a class here!" a voice shrieked from the front of the classroom.
"Sorry, professor," Sirius said lightly. Professor Humus huffed angrily and continued with her lesson.
"I'll tell you later," James whispered and surprisingly, the two paid attention the rest of class without further disruptions.
The rest of afternoon classes passed too fast for comfort and the Marauders found themselves sitting at dinner with Ash and Lily reading a note McGonagall had just given them informing them of their detention.
Remus groaned and banged his head upon the table. The others looked up slightly alarmed. "The Dark Forest tomorrow night and on a Saturday? I'm sure that's going to be a ball," he mumbled tiredly. The others looked at him sympathetically. The effects of the full moon were taking their toll and Remus was to be leaving for the infirmary promptly after dinner.
"Well, you could at least eat something," Ash Lynn said, poking Remus' food with her fork.
"He's not going to want it after your fork's touched it. Ash Lynn germs," Lily said with a disgusted look on her face but smiling at her friend. Ash Lynn looked shocked and Remus looked up slightly to grin--there was that hidden humour in Lily that always lightened up his mood, it made him feel as though her entire world wasn't all completely depressing. "Eat just a little bit," she urged Remus until he finally gave in.
"If you're going to get Moony to eat, Lils, you might as well eat something yourself," James added, "You're turning into a stick, love."
"I am not!" Lily replied dignifiedly. Ash Lynn snorted into her goblet of pumpkin juice.
"The hell you aren't."
Lily growled, "And don't call me love!" James looked quite ruffled and stared as his food in dismay. All he wanted to do was help her. "What are you doing?" Lily exclaimed as she say Ash piling her plate full of food.
"You're going to eat!" she replied as if it were the simplest answer in the world. Lily looked at Ash Lynn in disbelief and revulsion. "Don't give me that look, here, it's simple. What you do first, is put a fork in your hand, then, you pick food up with the fork and place it into your mouth where you chew, swallow, and then digest. Not as hard as you think it is, my dearest friend."
"I am not eating all that," Lily objected.
"Of course not. I'm sure James and Sirius would love to eat more than half of your dinner for you, even after eating their own." The two boys grinned cheekily at the mention of their name and started devouring Lily's food. "But they're going to save some for you, right?"
The boys nodded with their mouths full and Lily laughed. She finally picked up her food and ate some potatoes. Ash Lynn nodded her approval.
"Feels better to eat something different than toast everyday?" she asked, sternly looking at Lily. Lily avoided her glare and shrugged nonchalantly. Ash Lynn gave up but at least she got her to eat something. Students slowly got up to leave the hall and Remus got up to head to the infirmary.
"See you tomorrow morning, Moony," Sirius said.
"Good night, all," he said as he looked around and gave everyone a quick smile goodbye, he then stooped down and gave Lily a swift kiss on the cheek.
"Bye Remus," she said quietly. He left silently and moved easily through the crowd as he headed towards the infirmary, ready to be lead into the Whomping Willow where he would feel the most pain he ever felt in his life.
The remainder of the group made their way up towards the Gryffindor common room where they spent the night doing homework and playing Exploding Snap, when they heard the occasional muffled howl from Remus, Lily felt his pain and a chill went down her spine.
Later that night, James and Sirius lay awake in their four-poster beds and talked to each other of the past couple of weeks. James discussed his plan of changing himself and his attitude and Sirius expressed the same concerns as Remus. But James was so set upon doing this for himself, for others, and for Lily that there was nothing that Sirius could say to make him change his mind. They talked about Remus and how happy they were for him, they talked about life and how it seemed nothing could go wrong. It felt good to have a best friend to talk things through with. James was glad he had Sirius but his mind was still preoccupied with thoughts of Lily.
"What's wrong, mate?" Sirius asked as he turned over in his bed to stare at James, whose bed was beside his.
"Lily." James asked.
"The only way you're going to have Miss. Evans is in your dreams," he stated jokingly.
"I have no dreams!" James responded angrily, sitting up instantly. Sirius glanced surprised at him and gestured at him with his hands to quiet down, their roommates were sleeping. "My dreams died the night that she stole my heart! She is my one and only dream. Every time I close my eyes, I see her beauty--that painful beauty that covers every inch of her body and soul. The sun beats down on my eyes, blinding me from everything but her and every time she stares at me, there are knives in my heart. My love is lost and how is there life without love? Love is the fear in the back of my mind and without fear, there is no hate. Without love, there is no emotion, no feeling but pain and those graceful skies watch me with sympathy in my eyes. The bloody stars sympathize me!" James collapsed back onto his bed, "What is she doing to me?" he mumbled.
"You love her," Sirius responded, smiling ear to ear.
"I'm being serious!" James exclaimed.
Sirius stopped smiling and turned back over so he was staring at the canopy of his bed. "So was I." James frowned. The duo was silent for the rest of the night and soon James could hear the sound of Sirius's heavy breathing from the bed beside his. He sighed and got up again, pulling his bathrobe around him. He walked towards the door and pulled it open quietly and glanced back at Sirius once more before heading towards the common room to think by the fire. What he didn't expect was that there was another who couldn't sleep that night.
The moon. It hung low that night beneath the stars. The stars reflected the anguish and pain felt by Remus during transformations. His cries were deafened by the roaring fires within Hogwarts. Fur sprouted, covering an entire body, robes were ripped and torn, and a nose grew longer, into a snout. Those mournful amber eyes that expressed every pain he had ever felt remained the same. Heartache was frequent as was loneliness. Who could ever love a monstrous creature? A werewolf? It only occurred once a month but it seemed to be a daily routine for him, always hiding within the shadows of the night, away from prying eyes. It seemed that before, love was not a privilege he could obtain. It was beyond his reach, beyond the full moon. But he did love; it was what he needed love to keep his heart beating. He wondered what would Fate do, if another fell in love with him? So it seemed that one had and Fate had yet to make its second move. Would Fate tear two young lovers apart? She loved him for who he was, love. No, NO. She did not love him, he reminded himself,—she only cared about him. She didn't care about his lycanthropy; she didn't care about the monster he became monthly. She cared about him, about Remus Lupin, not the werewolf. But she did not love him, she was afraid to love. Afraid to lose what had never been hers to have, but Remus loved her--wasn't that enough? The tormented werewolf quickly glanced at its reflection in the old, dust-covered mirror and howled in anguish. He sat down and began gnawing at his foot, to him; pain was deemed necessary.