Chapter Twenty-One: Freeze the Moment
"James!" Ash Lynn looked up surprised from where she sat before the fire. "What are you still doing up?"
"I can't sleep," he admitted as he sat down beside her on the large, crimson chair.
"Me neither. Lily is though, finally and I'm glad for her. It seems the one night she finally gets her sleep, I can't get mine," she said laughing quietly.
"Are you worried about her?" James asked, staring intently at Ash Lynn, searching for answers.
"To be honest, yes and no. Yes because I know how fragile Lily is and well, the death of her parents is a real shock to her. Plus, that leaves her with her older sister whom despises the very ground Lily walks one. No because despite the fact that she is very fragile, Lily is strong, she's a fighter. How do you think she made it this far? She hasn't given up yet and I doubt she will." James smiled gently and sighed. "Do you still fancy her?"
"I do," he whispered, "But I have no idea what to do. Remus and I just patched up our friendship; we've been friends for too long to let a girl get in between us. But yet again, this is no ordinary girl."
"I'm not going to say or do anything to make you and Remus have another row, not at all. But I will say this. Just follow your heart. Remus made that argument before, you can as well. Don't just sit on the side of the dance; join in, if you know what I mean. But James, if you really like Lily as much as I think you do, you won't take away her happiness. Please," Ash Lynn said as she got up from the couch. James nodded, in deep thought. "Good night, James. I hope you find what you're looking for."
"Me too, Ash, me too...for the sake of all of us," he said into the gathering darkness.
The Saturday morning dawned gloomy and cool and James found himself being prodded by a very awake looking Sirius.
"Sirius, geroff me," James muttered in his sleep and suddenly wondered why his morning sounded louder than usual. He got up and looked around to realize that he had fallen asleep in the common room the night before and that half the Gryffindors were there. Ash Lynn was sitting on an armchair looking very tired with Lily at her feet, writing in her diary. Peter was no where to be seen, neither was Remus. "Where's Moony?" he asked suddenly.
Sirius looked up as though he hadn't noticed it before. Remus was usually always waiting for them in the common room when they awoke the next morning. "I don't know," he said, looking worried. Lily looked up from writing and stared inquisitively at the boys before her. "He's not been here in the morning sometimes before," Sirius finished after thinking for a while.
"Only if he's...in the infirmary!" James exclaimed as he sat up suddenly and dashed towards the portrait hole with Sirius, Ash Lynn, and Lily following right at his heels and many heads (particularly girls') heads turned to see where they were headed to. The trio came to a halt in front of the infirmary door and tried to sneak in but Madame Pomphrey had spotted that as though she was watching out for them.
"No, no, no! You will not disturb my patient!" she reprimanded. "I knew you would be coming here, he needs his rest, what he does not need is a group of trouble makers keeping him awake!"
The group sighed until they faintly heard Remus mumbling to let them in. Madame Pomphrey turned around and walked to Remus' bed and gave him a talk, finally, she walked back towards them and looked defeated. She waved them in and they rushed to Remus' bed. It took Lily a lot of courage to stop from gasping out loud from the sight.
Remus looked tired and very worn, like he always did. But he had bandages wrapped tightly around his arms, already stained quite heavily with blood.
"Can't she stop the blood?" James asked, staring at his wounds.
"I won't let her," Remus replied, burying his head deeper into the pillow.
"Why not?" Sirius exclaimed angrily.
"You wouldn't understand," Remus emphasized, "Just leave it be." James looked curiously at Remus and then at Lily before speaking.
"Sirius, I think we should go get some breakfast," he said, motioning towards Lily. Sirius understood as well.
"Sorry, mate. I hope you feel better," Sirius said as he left, holding Ash Lynn's hand.
"Talk to you later, Moony."
"Bye Padfoot, Prongs, Ash Lynn," Remus said as they left. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again to look at Lily and smile. "What's wrong?" he asked Lily, placing his hand gently on her cheek.
"You," she replied sadly as she sat down on the edge of his bed. "Why wouldn't you let her help you? I'd understand."
"I know you would. It's just I felt I needed the pain as a reminder."
"Of what?"
"Of what? A reminder of how much of a monster I am, how much I'm feared and loathed. A reminder of how I'll never be as happy as any man because honestly, no one will ever love a werewolf," he replied, half angrily and half sadly.
Lily opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it. "When can you get out of here?" she asked instead.
"As soon as Madame Pomphrey allows me. Probably never, that witch likes to hassle me, always keeping me in here for some reason or another."
As soon as he spoke those words, Madame Pomphrey came bustling out with a vial of some blue liquid, "It's for the pain, dear," she answered Lily's confused expression. "Drink it, Mr. Lupin, and I'll allow you to leave," she said. Remus quickly grabbed the vial and downed the contents. "Well, someone is awfully anxious to leave," she replied.
"More than you know," Remus said as he hopped out of bed, wincing slightly. Lily could notice that one of his ankles, as well was bandaged tightly. "Erm...Lily?" Remus looked up at Lily, slightly flustered, "Could you wait outside? I need to change." Lily laughed lightly and sat down beside the infirmary door, waiting for Remus to come out.
Remus came out of the infirmary looking tired but quite happy to leave. He grabbed Lily's wrist and pulled her to her feet. "Want some breakfast?" he asked. Lily nodded and walked with Remus to the Great Hall for breakfast, watching Remus limp slightly as they went. They walked into the hall, hand in hand, and found seats beside their friends, though it was hard, for James was surrounded by a crowd of girls.
"Moony! You're out!" Sirius exclaimed happily as he ate another slice of bacon.
"Morning all," he replied. "Good morning, Wormtail! I didn't see you earlier."
"I overslept," Peter mumbled.
"Oh, alright," Remus said as he grabbed some bacon off of Sirius' plate.
"Oi, what do you think you're doing?" he cried out.
"Eating breakfast," Remus replied with a grin. Everyone laughed and it felt as though good times had returned. Lily reached for a piece of toast and took a bite.
"You're not going back to just toast, are you?" Ash Lynn asked worriedly.
"No," Lily replied, "I just don't like eating a heavy breakfast. Though I can tell that these dogs don't mind."
"Who are you calling dogs?" James asked, "Sirius is the only dog I see here," he added.
Sirius howled and banged the table with his fist, laughing heartily and causing a great deal of attention to be drawn to him. Ash Lynn punched James lightly on the arm for calling her boyfriend a dog and the atmosphere of breakfast seemed much lighter than it had been, with everyone. For lately, with the rise of a dark wizard, "Lord Voldemort" as he called himself, Hogwarts seemed very tense. Many students had lost families as Lily had. Hogwarts was grief stricken. But as of today, it seemed that the mood had brightened and the students were looking forward to going outside, it was snowing quite heavily outside and it was perfect for a snowball fight.
Twenty minutes later, the Marauders found themselves standing outside with snow falling heavily upon them like fleece. Almost all of the student population was outside in the snow, enjoying the cool air and pleasant silence that encompassed them. The Marauders stood still for a moment taking in the serene scene before they were struck from behind by a bombardment of snowballs. They turned around to find Ash Lynn and Lily laughing hysterically, their cheeks were pink with cold, and snow sprinkled their hair like dust. The boys remained still in amazement for the girls looked so innocent and beautiful that they were shocked. They had never seen them so carefree before, their faces not lined with worry and fear.
"Hello?" Ash Lynn called laughing at their dazed expression. The boys recovered quickly and quickly hurled snowballs back at the girls. They all missed except Peter's who hit Lily directly in the face. He looked at her in shock, not expecting his throw to hit her. Peter had terrible aim.
"Merlin, that's cold," she screeched, trying to wipe the snow off her face. Sirius and Ash Lynn had fallen to the floor in fits of laughter and Lily was kicking snow over Ash Lynn's fallen body. Remus ran up to Lily and hugged her, laughing himself. "It's not funny! It's freezing!" Remus still laughed slightly but helped wipe the snow away from her face; his hands were warm against her cold face. Lily buried her face into his cloak and hugged him tightly.
"It's alright, Lils," he chuckled, "It's just cold."
"Just cold...just cold," she muttered to herself looking up at Remus in amusement. He smiled at her and rested his forehead against hers before being pulled to the ground by James, who had grabbed Remus' cloak as support as he had fallen beneath an attack of snowballs. Lily, who still had a hold of Remus, fell on top of him and she laughed happily as the snow began to fall heavier.
Remus looked up into her emerald green eyes and felt himself drowning in her soul, he then kissed Lily beneath the snowfall. Lily gazed at Remus and was happier than she had ever been. Their lips met again with anticipation in a long awaited dance for two and their grip never wanted to falter. The stars had died for the night and set the music for their slow embrace. They were clutching to each other in the cold but feeling oblivious to it all, they felt no cold.
Afternoon was drawing near and the snow began to taper off. The students slowly began to file back into the school to find warmth and a warm meal waiting for them when they returned to the Great Hall. Lunch had passed and the Marauders were warming up beside the fire, the common room was almost empty for the snow had begun again and most of the younger students were outside once more. Lily was writing in her diary and Ash Lynn was reading over her shoulder, smiling unstoppably. Lily laughed at her friend's appearance.
"What are you smiling about?" she asked curiously.
"You're writing. It seems to have gotten a bit happier and it's...well it's amazing," Ash admitted. Lily blushed.
"Am I going to have the pleasure of reading this?" Remus asked, looking up from his game of Wizard's Chess with James.
Ash Lynn grinned, "Well I hope so...I should think it's written about you!" Lily's eyes widened in shock and she hit Ash Lynn with a pillow. "He would have figured it out anyway, Lils." Lily rolled her eyes and finished writing.
"Check mate!" Remus said happily. James groaned. "How many times has that been?" he asked teasingly.
"Oh be quiet, Remus." Remus smiled and got up to sit back down again next to Lily.
"You done, m'lady?" he asked. Lily nodded and handed Remus her diary then climbed onto the sofa to read her work again, over his shoulder.
Freeze the Moment
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs to a world that is deaf to a lonely dreamer's cries. The wind is blowing my hair, temporarily blinding me for a moment; maybe I'll slip and fall from this ledge I'm hanging on to. Perhaps, only then, would I be able to listen without fear of knowing that no one will listen to me in return. The air is screaming so loudly and it's stinging my eyes until I tear or maybe I really am crying. I'm afraid to fall but at the moment it seems that that is all I can do. The wind will hold me tightly, unlike friends, it's always there. I have something that I can put faith into, to hope that it will catch me when I fall. I know that I've fallen fifty times more and each time, I was left to try and catch myself because those familiar faces were just a blur that I'm not even sure they were there. Oh, but we were, you just couldn't see us. I am not going to put my trust into something I know won't last forever. I have lost faith in things that are abstract because I know that they aren't always there. Will you be there for me?
As a dreamer, I believe in things that aren't always there but I'm not sure friendship is something that I would depend my life upon. So many broken alliances have made me weaker and I'm finding myself not even bothering to defend myself against those who try to bring me down, I find no point in speaking, no one ever listens anyway. As a dreamer, I want things that some have never even thought of having and for this I have been labeled a liar. I want to be believed in. Oh, but you are believed in. I want you to believe in me. Will you?
The sea below seems to be coming so much closer, I can smell the salinity and I can almost taste it. Oh, but you can, it's the tears you are crying. My eyes feel so dry and my lips are chapped and cracked. If I run my tongue along it, I can taste the bitter metallic blood and I want to bite down harder and savor a little bit more blood. That cold, harsh water seems so welcoming; it's even colder than the emotions around my splintered heart. Dear, the sky is darkening and threatening. It's raining. How I love the rain, like the angels are crying their misery. As if they were crying for those who cannot cry anymore because they are too weary to even mumble their goodbyes. Sometimes it's hard to imagine not being one of those tiresome nighttime wanderers, crying their way through dreams. Freeze me in the moment. I want to be so close to the sea to be able to see the tiny ripples spreading like wildfire through the waves. Though I am frozen, my tears are warm and still falling freely from my empty eyes, they make such beautiful ripples. Have you ever noticed?
Kiss me with your warm lips; can you see your love tingling through my body? Unfreeze me. Crash. The water is suffocating me because no matter how hard I struggle, the surface just keeps on falling farther from my reach. I want to try and breathe but I keep on swallowing water and it's burning my esophagus like acid. My eyes are watering because I can't find the strength to blink. I find your hand breaking through the surface and maybe this once, I'll actually believe in someone. You are far from abstract, darling, and you are beautiful. My savior because your fingers are pulling at me so hard that when I reach the surface, I'll gasp for air and you'll kiss me gently, letting me lose myself again. I suppose that even as a dreamer and after I lose faith in everything else, beside the wind, your love will always be there. And though love is intangible, you are so real and though I feel unreal, you bring me back to life. I guess love is something that will always be there even when you can't see it because once again, it's saved me from drowning. Never say you'll let go.
"I don't want to let go," Remus whispered in Lily's ear as he closed her diary and handed it back to her. "It was beautiful," he finished in a normal tone. Lily smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck; Remus tilted his head back and kissed the bottom of Lily's jaw gently.
"Get a room you two," Ash Lynn scoffed.
"Why don't you grab Sirius and get your own room," Lily replied, throwing another pillow at her friend. Ash Lynn grinned mischievously as Sirius looked up from the parchment where he was drawing random pictures. Sirius got up and took Ash Lynn's outstretched hand, leading her out of the common room in a fit of giggles.
"I wasn't being serious," Lily said, rolling her eyes. Remus grinned and stared at Lily for a moment, smiling happily to himself. "What are you looking at?" Lily asked curiously. Remus looked away and gazed at James then to return his eyes to Lily, pretending as though he had no clue what she was talking about. "You aren't that smart, Mr. Lupin," she responded to his confused look, "Your eyes were clearly plastered on moi."
"Well, yes they were," Remus started, "But for no reason except to look at you." Peter coughed from a corner and stuck a finger in his mouth as though he were gagging. Remus shot him a dirty look and he quickly picked up the Charms book in front of him to cover his face.
"Just because you don't have a girlfriend, Peter, doesn't mean you can make fun of those who do," James said.
"Well then, help me find a girlfriend," Peter stated as though it was obvious.
James grinned excitedly. "Do you mean it?" Peter shrugged and stared helplessly at Remus to get him out of this one but Remus just smiled and nodded to James.
"I wasn't being serious," protested Peter.
"I think it's a simply wonderful idea," Remus grinned. So, James grabbed Peter from the corner where he sat and dragged him out of the common room in suit of the perfect girl.
"I think it would be nice if Peter had a girlfriend. Maybe he wouldn't be so sour, I think he just feels left out that everyone has a girlfriend but him," Lily said as she stared at the closing portrait hole.
"James doesn't have a girlfriend," Remus put in.
"Which surprises me," Lily muttered, "That boy usually has a girl hanging off his arm each day."
"He's not as bad as you think he is, Lils."
"Easy for you to say. Ever since I've become friends...well sort of, I guess with your "group" James had always been trying to talk to me or touch me. I mean, he doesn't anymore because I'm with you but...I had the feeling he liked me."
"Well, James is a good enough friend to know his limits," Remus tried hard to make James look good in Lily's eyes, "Give him a chance. You need his friendship as much as he needs yours." Lily sighed in defeat and nodded while Remus smiled and kissed her lips tenderly. "You won't regret it," he whispered.