Chapter Twenty-Two: These Stars are For You

Give James a chance. It was quite difficult to imagine her giving such an ignorant, conceited oaf like James Potter a chance. However, Lily decided that she would make one last effort to at least be friendly towards him; he was after all, one of Remus' closest friends. But there was just something about James that made Lily dislike him. It could have been his tendencies to mess his horribly untidy hair up even more, or his constant need to jinx any Slytherin that walked within two feet of him.

"Perhaps it's also because he's better at Transfiguration than you are," Ash Lynn piped in as she walked into the girls dormitory and then quickly added, looking at Lily's confused look, "Well, you were muttering to yourself-it wasn't very difficult to pick up on what you were rambling on about." Lily blushed and did not reply.

"Remus is right, Lily," she started again, "Gives James a chance, he isn't that bad, honestly. He may be a bit...arrogant but he's getting better. He's a great listener and he gives excellent advice."

"You've taken his advice before?" Lily asked incredulously.

"I'm friends with you aren't I?" Ash Lynn replied, winking.

"I...well...erm," Lily hadn't expected an answer like that, "Wait a moment...how did you know that Remus told me to give James a chance?" It was no Ash Lynn's turn to become flustered.

"Well, you see, me and Sirius, we...ah-well time for dinner, don't you think?" she finally asked, grinning cheekily.

Lily raised an eyebrow but didn't say a word. She quietly followed Ash Lynn down into the slowly emptying common room where last minute students were straggling out of the portrait hole towards the Great Hall for dinner.

The Marauders were already there, gorging on food as though they had never eaten before. It seemed they were already on their third helping of chops by the time Lily and Ash Lynn sat down.

"Hungry?" Ash Lynn inquired.

"Starving!" Sirius exclaimed, "A growing boy needs his food."

"In that case," Remus added, "Peter should take fifths; he's never going to grow."

"Sure he is! We can fix that, can't we Sirius?" James replied, eyeing Peter beadily while fingering his wand. Peter squeaked in fright, swallowed the remainder of his food, and sprinted from the Great Hall before Sirius could even reply.

"That boy just keeps getting odder by the day," Ash Lynn commented, seemingly bemused.

"Which reminds me," Lily suddenly said, "How did your plans go in finding him a girlfriend, James?" James choked on the pumpkin juice he had been swallowing; quite surprised that Lily was talking to him in a calm manner.

But he quickly reposed himself, "Not too good. Apparently, the girls think that he's too short and pudgy, and his eyes are too watery-makes him look like he's 'bout to cry. They also think he looks too timid and that he's afraid of making commitments."

"Oh, I...I see," Lily replied, "Well, I'm sure that Peter didn't take that too well."

James furrowed his brow. "Actually, he did, he took it quite well. It didn't seem to bother him really, he kind of let himself down as well—said they were right and no girl would ever like him, shouldn't have even bothered. He went on this long rant about being worthless and that the Marauders shouldn't even be his friends, he should be a loner or something of the sort. Yet he came to dinner after acting as though he never said a word, it was kind of odd."

"Like I said, he gets odder every day," Ash Lynn restated.

James shrugged and finished off his meal before starting on a treacle tart. Lily stared down at her plate, still spotless and gleaming gold. She stole a piece of Ash Lynn's pork chop (Ash Lynn was in the process of finishing cutting it) and Lily quickly stuck it in her mouth and began to chew.

"Get your own, Lily!"

"But then I would have to go through the process of cutting it and I honestly don't feel like it. It's much easier since you've already cut them," she replied, as if it were the most logical answer.

"Oh, well of course." Lily grinned and took another piece.

They walked up the marble staircase slowly, talking about classes and Quidditch. James and Sirius did not want to go back to the common room so early ('But it isn't early'—Remus had protested) so they left Ash Lynn, Lily, and Remus on the staircase as they went off to cause mischief.

"They have more detentions than anyone I have ever met," Lily mumbled and Ash Lynn nodded in agreement.

"They're just having fun," Remus said, watching as James and Sirius' cloaks billowed behind them as they turned a corner.

"Don't you have fun, as well?" Lily asked.

"I know when to have fun and when I've crossed the line. I also know that sometimes I'd just rather not be where they are." Lily mouthed what looked like 'oh' and they remained quiet until they reached the Portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Mimblewimble," Ash Lynn muttered and the portrait swung open to reveal the crackling fires and welcoming scarlet chairs that were currently occupied by seventh years.

Lily eyed an empty table and quickly made her way to sit down on an empty pouf. Ash Lynn and Remus joined her and stared at her quizzically.

"What?"

"Nothing, it just seems weird that we walk in and you make a sudden bee- line towards the first available table you see," Remus replied.

"Well, I want to get a table to ourselves so we can work on our homework." Ash Lynn groaned.

"I can't stay for long," Remus said quickly, "Detention tonight, remember? I hope those two don't forget. Where's Peter, by the way?" Lily and Ash Lynn shrugged. "Be back in a bit then," he said as he rushed upstairs to the boys' dormitories.

"Hey Pete..." Remus said as he burst the door open to their dormitory. Peter looked up from the book he was reading with a hint of annoyance. "We have detention tonight, remember?"

"Oh yes, I forgot," he squeaked, "Thanks for reminding me."

"No problem, I might as well go off to find James and Sirius as well—they went off to cause more trouble," Remus said as he turned to walk out of the dormitory, closing the door behind him.

"Hey Rem, it'll happen eventually," Peter said suddenly, before the door shut completely.

Remus stopped in his tracks and pushed the door open again, so he was now facing Peter again, "What'll happen?" he questioned.

Peter rolled his eyes, "Like it isn't obvious. Lily's afraid to open up to you, she's afraid to love you because," he dropped his voice to a slight whisper, "everyone she loves always ends up leaving her in the end. You aren't meant to last."

Remus looked shocked and somewhat heartbroken at Peter's words because no matter how harsh it seemed, he was right. It was never meant to be and never would be. Sure, Lily loved how he was one of the only people to ever understand her, the only person to read past her metaphors but she only loved his companionship, not him. He still felt that void, that incompletion that he longed to fill and despite what he could try to convince himself, he would never be complete. Who could ever love him, Remus Lupin? Who would ever want that hideous monster he became once a month? Remus left the room quietly, contemplating everything that Peter said and all the thoughts that seem to be playing in his own mind.

"Who would have thought, a Mudblood and a werewolf," Peter muttered as Remus shut the door.

Remus walked down the stairs and headed towards the table where books lay open beside blank sheets of parchment and quills dry of ink.

"Homework?" he questioned as he sank down on a pouf beside the low table.

"Can't concentrate," Ash Lynn replied, chewing on the tip of her quill, "I'm not exactly looking forward to writing that two page essay for Professor Binns on giant wars," she said with clear disgust, "Honestly, who cares?"

"You've got to learn this material!" Lily lectured, "And I'm surprised you haven't even started that essay yet, he handed that assignment to us on Tuesday. You better get started."

"I suppose you've already finished?"

"Of course I have. It's not like I leave all my homework for the weekend," she said pointedly. Ash Lynn sighed and dipped her quill into the inkbottle, staring blankly at the parchment as though it would write the essay itself. Remus laughed at the two of them, perhaps too forcibly for Lily had asked him what was wrong.

"Nothing at all," he lied, "I...have to go find James and Sirius, we've got to go to our detention soon," he finished quickly before getting up and leaving the common room without another word.

"That's some pretty fishy behaviour," Ash Lynn said. Lily shrugged it off and stared at her own parchment, trying to figure how to start her essay on the properties of moonstone and its uses in potion making. Ash Lynn groaned when she realized she had to write that as well.

"Did you leave all your homework for this weekend?" Lily asked in shock.

Ash Lynn nodded. "Sirius is becoming a bad influence on me. Of course, he'll do it all tomorrow night and still manage to get good marks on them. Why do all you have to be so bloody smart?" Lily smiled and grabbed her essay on giant wars out of her bag, handing it to Ash Lynn. She shrieked gleefully and hugged Lily tightly, reading the essay quickly before jotting down some notes she could use in hers (it's not like Professor Binns would have noticed if she had copied Lily's word for word).

The girls stayed up until well past 11:30, Lily finished her potions essay and then helped Ash Lynn finish her own homework so they had tomorrow free. The boys were still not back from detention but they weren't too worried. Lily yawned sleepily as she stumbled up the stairs heading towards the girls' dormitory. She changed into her pajamas and fell onto her bed, yawning again. She buried her head into her pillow and smiled to herself, knowing she would fall asleep happy. She thought about how good it felt to actually have a friend who needed her help with homework, she thought that tonight was a good attempt to start being nice to James (maybe he wasn't so bad after all).

And this was Lily as she used to know, not afraid to smile or hold back from being her. This was who she wanted everyone to remember her as. But the past few years haven't allowed her to be that person. Unfortunate deaths and tragedy have led her to stumble over some of life's ridges and fall off course. Although she's experienced pain and heartbreak, like so many have, these new friends have led her to regain strength in her darkest hours.

She still experiences loneliness and that constant darkness creeps ever nearer, but she's trying. She will still sit quietly in class, obeying her elders and the rules, and earning top scores in her classes. She will still spend her afternoons sitting by the fire, indulging her secrets and hidden emotions onto parchment with a quill and she still sometimes cries herself to sleep. But she sits quietly in class next to the most popular boys in school, she'll write in her diary curled up beside Remus, and she'll cry herself to sleep with Ash Lynn right beside her. It was different. No matter how many times the perspective was changed, Lily wasn't the same. She suddenly had a new confidence, one that she hoped never left.

As the Marauders walked away from Forbidden Forest (they were feeding 'some creature that'll only eat food laid down on the night after the full moon' Hagrid had told them when they asked), Remus looked up at the velvet black sky that hung above them like curtains, waiting to be torn down by the grasps of the breaking horizon. The stars burned holes in the ebony darkness as though they were struggling to be seen and noticed.

"These struggling stars are for you, Lily, for showing me how difficult it is to break through the fast-holding darkness but that it is possible. I wish I could give them to you in the palm of my hand, so you knew that I struggled to reach them and I know what failure feels like."

AN: I'm going to be re-editing this story and then eventually re-posting. One thing that I am changing is Peter. I made him too evil too early.