Charter One
Or: when the madness starts but nobody knows it yet.
Disclaimer: all characters in this chapter expect for the baby and the "lift" guy belong to the respective companies or themselves… songs too.
A note to start: this is written as a change for you from, inaptly written social problematic (without that aspect) romances (tons of male male love stories.) and angst with nothing about post traumatic character changes. And it is written in purpose of being full of strange jokes and gags, please read to the end.
P.S. It will show some of my views.
The darkening sky was lit by fires raging in a city. Many buildings already lay in ruins while other still stood. What made the whole situation seem worse was the dramatic music accompanied by the sound of an upset fiddle. A great shadow covered the destroyed city…
- What's that tape recorder for? – Naruto posed a rhetorical question, after turning the device off. After that he looked around to see where Sasuke went as he had to bring him back to Konohagakure. Suddenly a squeaky voice rung:
- Weeee! Weeee! Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Yiii! Yi!.. s'it – A baby in a shoddily made paper Godzilla head and a dipper with the name Tommy written with neon lights, was walking
over Sasuke's back trying to act horrifying. – My fyyyyyiiiiii… - the kid looked up at a U.S.censor with a G-Stamp. - …my fuckin' dis'iabiitii to piiononc'ie "ey" an'id "ey" c'ioiiec'itiyiiy. – He looked up again but couldn't see the censor as he lay on the ground with the stamp on his forehead. Naruto was swaying his eyes from the baby to Sasuke who lay with his face in the mud, probably depressed because a baby defeated him.
Meanwhile in Orochimarus hideout Kabuto was walking around and singing:
- We are farting dreamers na nana na na… farting dreamers…
- Would you please Shut The FUCK UP! – Orochimaru shouted at his trusty helper person-
man, who got the words of one of the opening songs wrong.
- Yes Orochimaru-sama. – Said Kabuto leaving the room.
- Is he gone? – Orochimaru scouted the room for any presence, but, as he didn't see anybody, he started to sing: - Gebt das Hanf frei aj jaj jaj jaj ja jaj… - staring at his marijuana bush, which he used as an extra money maker.
Meanwhile somewhere Itachi hung tied-up in shoe-laces desperately trying to get out of those bonds.
- I didn't know you were into bondage. – Kisame stated looking at the tied up shinobi.
- Am not. – Itachi answered coldly. – I just have problems to learn to tie-up my shoes for
the post-Kyubi mission. So would you help me? – Asked Itachi inaptly trying to make puppy dog eyes.
Meanwhile at the field where Lee and Gaara fought Kimimaru, a lively conversation took place.
- Sakura… Sakura… you mean the pink-haired girl, yeah she was cute. – Said Gaara
blushing a bit. – But I'd like more if she were a bit more… - he blushed more while drowing an 8 in the air.
- You mean? – Lee looked puzzled.
- Like those jonin women from your village.
- Hmm… our new hokage is… - saying this Lee drew an 8 with a large upper part in the air. – like this.
- Wow! She must have beautiful "eyes". – Gaara looked at his comerade.
- Ossu. But she is 50, ya'know. – Lee replied while looking at the sky.
- Fi…Fifty! – The sand shinobi almost jumped up.
- But she looks like 20.
- T… Twenty! – The situation repeated itself.
- Yeah, she uses a special jutsu for that.
- Imagine us doing that! If we looked thirty years younger we'd be invisible! – Exclaimed
Gaara smiling.
- Yeah… we sound as if we were drunk… - After that Lee took something out of his bag.
Want some? – He asked while holding a sake jug in front of Gaara, who threw a puzzled glimpse at his conversation partner
- Haven't I already?… but sure. – And Gaara made another step towards being drunk.
Meanwhile take 4. Naruto was pulling Sasuke, whose face was still buried in the ground, because he had to as he promised to bring him back. And now it was easy as Saskatch's ego was smashed to bits after being defeated by a baby, which suddenly disappeared . Little did Naruto know that this one and a half year old monster was behind them, being stuck up to the middle of a tree. Finally Sasuke managed to lift his, by now dirty, face up and made a prophecy.
- This is the beginning of something utterly insane.
Now back at Otogakure, five men dressed in strange costumes stood in front of Orochimaru.
- Are you sure you fit as my new elite troop? – The snake ninja asked them.
- Of course we are perfect sounds listen. – And they started to sing:
Young
man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy.
Young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
During the y-m-c-a part they made strange poses. Making Orochimaru almost fall from his throne.
- Umm… yes, you are perfect. – the legendary shinobi smiled. – You'll kill them with your music. You got the job.
- YES SIR! – The Village People answered.
- Bloody Americans, why them? Couldn't Kabuto have got me some Russians? – Muttered snaketongue. – Call me Orochimaru-sama.
- Yes o ro chi ma ru sa ma! – Exclaimed the new sounds.
- Now go and destroy Konohagakure. – As the men left Orochimaru looked at his TV. – Greece won the Euro 2004… Greece… Hope there are Greeks in Konohagakure they won't be able to sleep…
So did the Village People set off on their new quest, which they never completed. Why?
That will be explained with the new assignment for team seven and team … the author stood in a strange pose, and stated "I don't know their number".
As Naruto entered the field where Kimimru ended his existence he saw something that was unbelievable. Gaara of the Desert and Rock Lee holding their heads with an enraged Temari bowed behind them.
- W…what did I d…do… - Stuttered the girl looking at the sand-boy. – I'm dead for
sure…
Scouting the glade hokage-to-be spotted two of his comrades Shikamaru who like always looked as if he didn't want to do anything, and an unconscious Kiba held by Kankurao. Sasuke who finally managed to raise himself was also stunned by what he saw. The whole scene was so awkward that even his trained yet already damaged inner peace fell apart, at what the last Uchiha fainted.
- So you found him. – The one day chunin turned to Naruto. – But what did you do to him?
- Umm… nothing, - replied Naruto. – he fainted because of you. – At what nobody even reacted.
- Figures. – Shikamaru summed up, knowing how things looked like at the moment. – Was it so bad with his ego?
- You bet 't was smashed to bits, but shouldn't we get going? – Naruto seemed to be the only one remembering about the mission… only seemed. – God I'm hungry.
Finally Kankuro managed to say something, maybe because he got used to Kiba's smell.
- And what will we do with them. – At what he pointed at the two drunk youths.
- They can rest in Konohagakure… until they get sober. After what it's good-bye. – The team leader filled paint-face in. – Oh… hope Neji and Chouji'll cache up on us.
- These your friends? – Came a voice from the corner of the clearing. – Found 'em five
steps from here crawling, so I gave 'em a lift. – It was a man about 20, he wore baggy light brown trousers and a white T-shirt with a strange writing on it, he held Neji and Chouji under his arms. – But they didn't want it. – the guy who had his hair raised like some thorns, all in the direction up, pointed at an elevator behind him. – So I brought 'em here… by the way what's with those headbands? But it doesn't matter. – After saying what he left the lot… speechless. After some time, or when Lee regained his speech, the talking started anew.
- Who was that? – Thick brows was the one to start the conversation. – He was strange, wasn't he?
- Strange is an understatement - you saw that elevator, didn't you? – Kankuro seemed to socialize easily. – He couldn't have possibly carried it… but then where did it come from?
- I don't know. – Naruto bumped right into the talk. – But it wasn't the strangest thing I saw today.
- You betyiaiied me with Juiio. – The baby from before was overacting in front of a…lollipop. And pointed it's finger at Akamaru. – you ay s'iameiies'i c'ioo beg in'i fiion'it of me.
- I saw it with a shoddily made paper Godzilla head walking over Sasuke. – Naruto commented the situation. Suddenly the baby flew and a loud "waaaa…" had shown that not of its own will.
- It makes sense. – Shikamaru's statement seemed ununderstable for the rest. – As it doesn't make any at all. – What puzzled the rest even more.
- Whad do…- a loud burp interrupted Gaara. – sorry, whadt do you mean?
- Why Sasuke fainted. Watch out, or you'll hurt them! – Temari who together with Kankuro carried Chouji and Neji had to get used to being ordered around by Shikamaru. – Revenge tastes sweet. – Mumbled the chunin.
About after the half of the way to the ninja village Shikamaru's team and the three sand shinobis saw four jonins running like crazy. With Gai in the lead, shouting something about Lee and death and so on. Then there was Kakashi who lost his ever present calmness, Asuma who was now smoking five cigarettes and Kurenai who almost tripped over her clothes.
- Now this is something we'll remember to the end of our lives. – Shikamaru commented on the true Konoha elite.
- Hey… those soldier pills aren't all that good. – Naruto addressed Shikamaru - a bit fighting then a hike and you can faint.
- Hehe – Shikamaru looked at his comrade. – Right you are. – After saying what they both fainted.
Important notes.
What the baby said.a) Wrrrr! Wrrr! Rrrrr! Rrrr! Rr!
b) my frigg…
c) my fucking disability to pronounce "r" and "l" correctly.
d) You betrayed me with Julio
e) You are shameless to beg in front of me
Why marijuana as an extra money maker?Easy. You smuggle the bush into someone's home, then pretend to be the police and collect the bribe.
The song which Orochimaru sung was something like "give the dope out aj jaj jaj ja ja jaj"
Please review. Or else… comments welcome… every.