Voldie Has a Very Special Meeting with Lucius and Severus

Author's Note: I wrote this at 2 in the morning, which should hopefully begin to explain some of this.  It take place in the First War……as if that matters.

Setting: Voldemort's Evil Loft of Doooooom!!!!

Voldemort is sitting on a cardboard box in his Evil Loft of Doooom.  Severus and Lucius enter.  Lucius is sucking on a lollipop.

SEVERUS: No offense, Dark Lord, but this place is a real dump.

VOLDEMORT: You'll be eating your words later, Severus.

SEVERUS: And it isn't particularly evil.  Sure, it's claustrophobic, but……

VOLDEMORT: I'm going to get a few blacklight posters.  Now shut up and find some cardboard boxes. 

Severus and Lucius pull up boxes and sit down.

VOLDEMORT: You!  Malfoy!  What's that you're sucking?

LUCIUS: Lollipop.

VOLDEMORT: And where did you get it?

LUCIUS: Baby.

VOLDEMORT: Excellent.  Now, try not to drool on my boxes.

Severus rolls his eyes.

VOLDEMORT: Hey!  Nobody rolls their eyes at Voldemort's Evil Cardboard Boxes of Doooom!!!!!

SEVERUS: Can't you just go to Pottery Barn?

VOLDEMORT: Shut up, Severus.  Now, I called you here for a very special reason.

LUCIUS: Oooooohhh!  Are we having another orgy?

Voldemort sighs.

VOLDEMORT: No, Lucius, we are not having another orgy anytime soon.  After the last one….

LUCIUS: Yeah, sorry about that.  I really didn't think the nifflers would trash your castle like that.  We can have it ay Malfoy Manor, if you want.  And I'll make sure nobody brings nifflers….

VOLDEMORT: No, Lucius.  No more orgies.  Not until I get those blacklight posters, at least.

SEVERUS: Lord Voldemort, I doubt you could even fit all the Death Eaters into this hellhole.  And Malfoy Manor isn't a manor, it's a split-level ranch that's slowly sinking into the ground.

LUCIUS: Since when did Severus become Mr. Expert on Architecture and Interior Decorating?

SEVERUS: Since MacNair got me that subscription to Architectural Digest for my birthday.

VOLDEMORT:  Okay, okay, settle down here.  It's come to my attention that there is…a spy among us.

LUCIUS: That SUCKS!

VOLDEMORT: It more than sucks, Lucius.  It blows.

SEVERUS: Why are you telling us this?

VOLDEMORT: Well, Lucius is my most ardent supporter…and Severus, you're just brimming with potential for pure, unbridled evil.

Severus starts picking at a zit on his nose.

VOLDEMORT: Severus!  Stop that!

SEVERUS: Yes, Lord Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: What did I tell you, Severus?

SEVERUS: Magical scars might be cool, but acne scars are just ugly.

VOLDEMORT: Good boy.

LUCIUS: But, Dark Lord, we're not supposed to be good!  We're supposed to be eeeeeeevil!!!!"

VOLDEMORT: Uh….Lucius, shut up.

LUCIUS: Yes, Lord Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: So, who do you boys think it is?

LUCIUS: Uh…….

SEVERUS: Karkaroff?

VOLDEMORT: Nah, he's too busy trying to get through Anna Karenina.

LUCIUS: Uh……………

SEVERUS: Bellatrix?

VOLDEMORT: No, she's too busy having sex with anything that walks.

LUCIUS: Uhhhhhhh……….uhhh………………………..

VOLDEMORT: Any bright ideas, Lucius?

LUCIUS: Uhhh…..what about Karkaroff?

Voldemort sighs.

VOLDEMORT: Lucius, were you even thinking about the spy?

LUCIUS: I'm sorry.  I was thinking about…..

VOLDEMORT: Come on, Lucius, spit it out.

LUCIUS: Could God make a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean so big that he himself could not eat it?

VOLDEMORT: Focus, Lucius, focus.  This is very serious.

LUCIUS: Maybe it's Sirius!

SEVERUS: What?

VOLDEMORT: He's not a Death Eater, Lucius.

LUCIUS: I know.  I was just trying to be funny…..you know, Sirius, serious….I'm sorry.

Severus pats Lucius on the back.

SEVERUS: It's all right, Lucius.  You might not be funny, but you throw damn good orgies.  Well, when you don't bring animals.

LUCIUS: Thanks.

VOLDEMORT: So, it appears that none of us know who the spy is.  How can we uncover him?

SEVERUS: Dark Lord, you're being sexist.  I won't tolerate a sexist workplace.

VOLDEMORT: Okay, okay…how can we uncover him or her?

SEVERUS: Thank you.

VOLDEMORT: So, any ideas?

SEVERUS: Hmmm…..we can use Legilimency or something.

VOLDEMORT: Nah.  That makes too much sense.

LUCIUS: Uhhhhhhh…….uhhhh……

VOLDEMORT: What is it now, Lucius?

LUCIUS: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Chocolate Frog, o Dark Lord?

VOLDEMORT: You don't lick Chocolate Frogs, Lucius.

LUCIUS: I do!

VOLDEMORT: Back to the spy thing here, people!  Come on!

SEVERUS: Just curious…how did you find out about the spy?

VOLDEMORT: None of your damn business, Snape!

SEVERUS: I was just wondering…..please don't yell at me, I might start crying…

VOLDEMORT: Okay, if you really want to know, I've been spying on Minerva McGonagall.

SEVERUS: Spying?

VOLDEMORT: Okay, I usually just watch her undress.  But I heard her talking to Dumbledore once.

SEVERUS: You know, it's really dangerous to go doing that yourself.

VOLDEMORT: I know, but she's got this gorgeous mole on her right thigh.  I'm kind of a thigh man myself.

SEVERUS: I really think we should let the whole spy thing slide.  It was probably just a rumor spread around to…uh, throw you off the track.

VOLDEMORT: Hmmm….

LUCIUS:  Uhhhhh….hey, what if Severus is the spy?

VOLDEMORT: Don't be stupid, Lucius.  Just finish your candy and try not to talk.

LUCIUS: Mmmm….

VOLDEMORT: You're right, Severus.  You're such a good boy.

SEVERUS: My daddy never told me that…

VOLDEMORT: What was that?

SEVERUS: Never mind, Dark Lord.

VOLDEMORT: All right.  That's about it.  I got the hot water in my sink working this morning…anybody want some Maruchan Instant Noodles?

SEVERUS: Are they shrimp?

VOLDEMORT: No, chicken.

SEVERUS: Aw, damn.

LUCIUS:  Yes!  Maruchan!