Meeting 2: The Even Specialer Meeting

Author's Note: With 60% more idiocy!

Setting: Voldemort's Evil Loft of Doooooooooooooooooom!!!!!!!

Voldemort is lying on a ratty orange couch in his Evil Loft of Dooooooom.  The only changes to the room are the addition of the couch and three blacklight posters.  Severus and Lucius enter.

VOLDEMORT: What the hell are you two doing here?

SEVERUS: You said we had a meeting…..

VOLDEMORT: Oh.  Right.  Juuuuuuust testing you.  Good thing you're so smart, Severus.

LUCIUS: Hmmph.  I'm smart too, you know.  Well, maybe not, but I'm rich, and that's good enough.  And I have nice hair.  It's silky.

SEVERUS: I don't need money and looks!  I'm an intellectual!  I stand in the face of this shallow money-driven modern society!  I'm ostracized because I don't fit society's image of what's "attractive!"

LUCIUS: Well, and maybe because you go around killing people.

SEVERUS: Oh shut up, you blond bimbo.

VOLDEMORT: Oh, stop bickering.  Here, boys, sit down on the couch.

Severus and Lucius sit on the couch next to Voldemort.

SEVERUS: Dark Lord, you still aren't done unpacking?

VOLDEMORT: I don't having enough time!  I'm busy!

SEVERUS: Yeah, busy stalking Minerva McGonagall…

VOLDEMORT: Insolence!  I'm simply gathering intelligence!

LUCIUS:  Whoa…..blacklight posters…….psychedelic……..

VOLDEMORT: Which one do you boys like best?

LUCIUS: I like the Cher one.  She looks good in fringe.

VOLDEMORT: And Severus?

SEVERUS: Ugh…..the Elvis one…….I suppose……..

VOLDEMORT: See, I'm personally partial to the Pink Floyd one.  However, all blacklight posters are beautiful…..just like all of God's children.

SEVERUS: What the hell?

VOLDEMORT: Uhhhh……too much acid…….so, Lucius, how's the little woman?

LUCIUS: She's a bitch.

SEVERUS: Lucius!  Be more respectful of womyn!

LUCIUS: Hey, Severus, if you're so into respecting women, why haven't you got a girlfriend?

SEVERUS:  Because…..because…….because all chicks are shallow money-driven bitches!

LUCIUS: Yeah, that's exactly—hey, wait, didn't you just say…..

SEVERUS: I said nothing!

LUCIUS: Oh, okay.

VOLDEMORT: So, I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here today.

SEVERUS: Well, not really.

VOLDEMORT: And why would that be?

LUCIUS: Because you told us what we're here for about three hours ago.

VOLDEMORT: Oh.  Sorry.  I was just having a senior moment.

SEVERUS: More like a druggie moment.

VOLDEMORT: Insolence!  Insolence!  My use of Muggle drugs helps me expand my horizons and get in touch with the universe.

LUCIUS: And you get cravings for HoHos.

VOLDEMORT: Well, then, I'll assume that you two know that this is about the orgies.  As we all know, the last one didn't turn out that well.

LUCIUS: It wasn't my fault that the house-elves were incompetent!  And I swear that I didn't bring any animals.  That was MacNair, dammit!

VOLDEMORT: To put it bluntly, Lucius, the last one was as boring as hell.  I mean, come on!  You didn't have enough chains for everybody, the spikes on the whips were dull, the nooses broke like that, and you ran out of tequila and vodka!

LUCIUS: Hey, you try putting together an orgy!  It's hard!  There's just so much planning involved!

VOLDEMORT: I'm well aware of that, Lucius.  You can't handle the challenge of running a good orgy.  That's why I'm putting all future Death Eater orgies into the bony little hands of Severus.

SEVERUS: I'm so flattered that I'm going to disregard that bony little hands comment!

LUCIUS: What?  What would we do at one of his orgies, have a wine tasting and play charades?

SEVERUS: Erotic charades.

LUCIUS: This is an insult to me, this is an insult to the entire Malfoy family, and this is an insult to the art of orgying itself!

SEVERUS: First order of business—more women.  Even Bella was getting tired at the last one, and that woman can—

LUCIUS: We're not discussing Bellatrix Lestrange's famed sexual prowess, we're discussing the future of the Death Eaters!

VOLDEMORT: Hey!  Being a Death Eater isn't about kinky sex parties, it's about killing people!

LUCIUS: Really?  I always thought that all of the striking fear into the heart of the wizarding community stuff was just an afterthought.

SEVERUS: Lucius, you're a moron.

LUCIUS: At least I don't have bacne!

VOLDEMORT: Bacne?

LUCIUS: He has zits on his back! 

SEVERUS: It's not that bad!

LUCIUS: Bacne!  Bacne!  Bacne!

SEVERUS: You're so mean!  Dark Lord, make him stop!

VOLDEMORT: Stop teasing Severus!  He may have kind of a pimple problem, but he'll grow out of it!

SEVERUS: Yeah!  Someday I'll be a total sex bomb!  Just you wait and see, Malfoy!

LUCIUS: Okay.  I'm sorry.  Will you forgive me?

SEVERUS: I suppose…

VOLDEMORT: Group hug, everybody, group hug.

They all hug.

SEVERUS: You know, Lucius, you may be as dumb as a stick, but you're a good friend.

LUCIUS: And I have nice hair.

SEVERUS: That too.

VOLDEMORT: Okay, okay.  Now that we're all happy now, let's move on to the next order of business.  We've got a raid coming up.  Do either of you know if there have been any leaks?

SEVERUS: Well, you'd know better than us, since you've been spying on McGonagall.

VOLDEMORT: Well…..about that…let's just say that I'm not always paying attention to what she's saying.  We've been through this.

SEVERUS: I don't believe there have been any.

LUCIUS: Uh, yeah, what he said.

VOLDEMORT: Hmm…..because Pettigrew said that he heard something…..

LUCIUS: Then he's probably the spy!

SEVERUS: Oh, sweet Merlin, not this again…..

VOLDEMORT: Lucius, for the last time, there is no spy.

SEVERUS: Well, Pettigrew probably doesn't know what he's talking about.

VOLDEMORT: Right…..he is just my lackey…….lackeys usually don't know a whole hell of a lot…..

SEVERUS: Right.

VOLDEMORT: Right.  And the final order of business…..I command you two to listen to The White Album  with me.

LUCIUS: Again?

VOLDEMORT: Well, this time we're going to play it backwards in order to find hidden messages.

SEVERUS: You mean like, "Voldemort is a hippie loser?"

VOLDEMORT: Insolence!  Insolence!  INSOLENCE!!!!

LUCIUS: Wow, three insolences.  And one's in all caps.  That's not something you see every day.

VOLDEMORT: Well, Severus, I guess you're just not…..smart enough for The White Album!

SEVERUS: Not smart enough?  I'm so hurt!

LUCIUS: I like Sgt. Pepper's better.

VOLDEMORT: That's it!  Out of the Evil Loft of Dooooom!  Both of you!  Go!

Lucius and Severus run out the door.

VOLDEMORT: Ahhh…..now to enjoy the sonic glories of The White Album.  But first…..Maruchan!