Disclaimer: Seeprevious chapter
Rant of the day: Spider on the desk, spider on the desk, HELP! Yes, I'm insane. No, I'm not Ron Weasley
December 22nd
Curse you Granger, you sick, sick cow! For your information, I was NOT snogging that slimy, smelly piece of hippogriff's ass! What those Ravenclaw imbeciles dabbed 'a passionate embrace' was me wringing Zabini's neck! Passionate? Sure, I was pretty passionate - ABOUT BEATING THE BUFFOON TO A BLOODY PULP! And yes, I did have a leg, NOT TWO, around Zabini's waist - but that was to flip him over so I could properly pound his stupid face flat!
So there, cross me off the list of Potty's potential love interests, will you? He should just set up house officially with the weasel king, because I sure as hell don't bend that way!
Malfoy
Howler, from Head Boy to the Chief Editor of Hogwarts Enquirer
YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER BASTARD! I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR INTESTINES OUT, HANG BLUDGERS ON THEM UNTIL THEY SNAP, AND FEED THEM TO THE GAINT SQUID! I'M GOING TO TEAR YOUR BALLS OFF, GRILL THEM, AND STUFF THEM DOWN YOUR BLOODY THROAT! AND THEN I'M GOING TO SATISFY YOUR GAY LOVE FETISH - OH YES, YOU MALICIOUS LYING BASTARD, I'M GOING TO SET CRABBE ON YOU UNTIL YOU BEND, AND TIE YOU SPREAD EAGLE ON LONGBOTTOM'S BED! I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN YOU RAVENCLAWS ARE A BUNCH OF CUNNING, DEMENTED, LIE-TELLING, ANIMAL-TORTURING FREAKS! YOU JUST WATCH - I'M GOING TO TAKE SO MANY SODDING POINTS OFF YOUR SODDING HOUSE, THAT YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO BE BEATEN BY HUFFLEPUFF IN 23 YEARS! AND I WILL HAVE NO HESITATION IN DOING SO - CUS YOURS IS THE ROTTEN HOUSE OF EVIL! EVIL! EVIL YOU HEAR ME? SCREW YOU!
Second howler, from Head Boy to the Chief Editor of Hogwarts Enquirer
AND I DON'T MEAN THE SCREW YOU PART LITERALLY, SO DON'T BE GETTING ANY MORE IDEAS YOU SICK BASTARD!
My dearest, handsomest Dragon,
What is it I hear with you and Blaise? You poor, poor baby, staying at that damp, depressing dungeon all along with only the likes of Zabini to keep you company... Don't worry! It's Sexy Pansy to the rescue, and I will make you forget Zabini faster than you can say orgasm!
Your delicate flower, forever and ever,
Pansy
Parkinson,
I have three little magic words for you:
SOD OFF, FREAK!
Malfoy
Oh, you shy, sneaky hunky sex god you! I know you want me! Guess what? I talked daddy into letting me come for a visit - an overnight visit! Our family carriage should arrive there at about 12, we will have an entire afternoon for fun and relaxation, and then the whole night to fulfill your every fantasy, be it rough shagging or slow loving! (wink wink)
Granger,
I know I just owled you, but this is an emergency. Parkinson is coming tomorrow and she sounds sex deprived. Do something!
Malfoy
Malfoy,
Hm, hate to break it to you, but this is totally not my problem? Besides, the way I see it, you two are perfect for each other. She's sexually frustrated, and you need to get over your obsession with Harry's sex life. Honestly, whenever you make a crack about him, it always has to do with him shagging somebody. Are you sure the thing with Zabini was just a misunderstanding? Hmmm...
Seriously though, what do you expect me to do about Parkinson? Unless you get yourself a girlfriend within the next 24 hours, I don't see how anyone has the right to lecture her to death on any moral issues.
Granger
Granger, You may have the singing talent of a castrated hippogriff, but your mind sure is bloody brilliant! Listen, this is it - I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend!
I need you to owl me tomorrow, at exactly a quarter to 12:00. Give yourself a bimbo name and pretend you are my girlfriend, inviting me to stay over for Christmas. I will then go to Hogsmeade for some fire whiskey. Knowing Parkinson, she will be shagging Zabini by the time I get back. I just hope the black eye he's currently sporting won't damper the mood too much.
So what do you say, Granger? Do this, and I just might forgive you for the jab on my sexuality. Remember, you have to live with me for another 5 months.
Malfoy
First page
Malfoy,
You might forgive ME? Ha! Now who's the one with all those bottles of hair and skin care products in the bathroom? I know so many hexes that would give the word 'ferret-face' a whole new meaning. Want to find out what I mean?
But, unlike you Slytherins, we Gryffindors are a forgiving, generous, and compassionate bunch. So here, do you think this would do the trick?
Granger
Second page
My sweet, sweet Dray-cocoa-poo,
How are you doing, my sugary darling love? I find myself bereft these days, without your gelled shiny head, your cocky smile, your pouty lips and your smart-ass insults. So please, come over and spend Christmas with me? I'll bake you cookies.
Love forever,
Britney
You will bake me cookies? Merlin's robes you stupid bint! Are you completely daft? I asked you to pretend to be my girlfriend, not my molest-happy grandaunt Patricia, who loves to stretch my cheeks and pinch my ass whenever she sees me!
And I don't have pouty lips!
First page
Malfoy,
You are just in denial about the pouty lips, but that's okay. I mean, we all have our days. Here, I hope this suits your taste better? Just hope Parkinson won't do a trace signature spell on it.
Granger
Second page
Dearest Draco,
How are you doing, my love? I'm feeling bereft and utterly despondent without your presence. Will you come to spend Christmas with me? Please say yes, I've missed you very much.
Forever yours,
Britney
Granger,
This is more like it. Please send it tomorrow, a quarter before 12. Thanks.
Malfoy
PS: No worries about tracing spells. I mean, this is PARKINSON we are talking about here. The bint is likely to know such an advanced charm as Longbottom beating you in potions.
Malfoy,
Will do. And while I know I'm going to regret it and bash my head repeatedly against the wall later, I feel bad giving you a fake invitation and then leave you to spend Christmas all by yourself. So, do you want to come to my house for a few days? You can even stay the rest of the holidays if you want. I okayed it with my parents.
Granger
A/N: Hmm, wonder what Draco will say to that:P
A hearty thank you to all my wonderful readers for the reviews. Please stay tuned for the next chapter, where the other 2/3 of the golden trio finally makes an appearance. Oh and, if you are wondering what exactly happened in the dungeons with Blaise and Draco, these two will exchange posts fairly soon. After all, they failed to strike a bargain when they started talking with fists.
Farangis