Won't Let You Fall

And I swallow

I hate it when you look at me like that. Your eyes, usually so placid, so beautiful, become over ruled by that empty sadness in those dark swirls of chocolate brown. I can't bear to see that look from you, it makes me want to reach out and hold you. Never let you go, but I know I can't, for I was the one who brought that sadness upon you.

So fragile. So fragile that I'm afraid to touch you, with these hands that have been stained with blood too many times. Your porcelain face is turned to me. I want to reach out and touch that soft pale skin of yours, but I can't. What gives me the right?

Fear comes in many forms. It is one of them feelings that can control us. It can come from both physical and emotional elements of life. My biggest fear is you. I don't want to go near you; I don't want to get to know you any better. I can't, in case I lose you, or ruin your life.

The lone wolf: Squall Leonhart. I used to hate people who would try to get to know me. They would try to understand why I had no friends, or even worse, try to be my friend. I pushed them all away, withdrew myself from everyone. People soon grew to accept who I was, they learned to keep their distance and leave me alone. Keep me in my private solitude.

There was only ever one person in Garden who I became friends with for a short time. After Ellone left me, I never did rely on other people. However, when I was a young cadet I did befriend one more person. My last mistake. Her name was Rachel, over time I've forgotten her surname, but I will always remember her. She was only ten at the time, the same age as me. I only met her three or four times, but it was enough to form some sort of bond with her. She was quiet and shy. I never quite understood why she even was at Balamb Garden, she hated to fight. I can remember when we first started learning basic skills with our weapons, she wouldn't want to even train. Her Instructor would have to stand over her and force her to practice. She would fight, but with reluctance.

I swallow my pride

It was a cold day, the day I saw her stood outside the training centre. Snow had fallen for the first time that year; lots of the young cadets had played in the snow earlier on. It was getting dark and I can't remember why, but I had seen Rachel stood looking nervous. She had looked at me with her watery blue eyes and red curly locks of hair that made their way loosely down her back. She asked me if I thought she could ever become a SeeD, she explained how Garden had told her they didn't think that being here was right for her. I remember looking at the sad look in those watery eyes of hers. I told her that if she really wanted to be a SeeD she should stay. I can't remember exactly what was said, but I know the words "prove them wrong" had escaped past my lips. She smiled at me, maybe even said Thank you, and then she left. I wasn't sure where she was going; I guess I thought she was going back to her dorm as it was getting late. Sometimes, I wish I had stayed with her a little longer.

It wasn't until morning, when I saw two SeeD cadets running with the doctor to the Training Centre, that I realised something was wrong. I stood there frozen in the hallway, and watched as they dragged out a body. I didn't even have to look at her face, as soon as I saw the red curly locks of hair I knew who it was. Her clothes were stained in dark crimson. I never got to see how badly injured she was, as one of the SeeD's had pulled me away. It was later that day, I found out she had gone into the training centre the night before, and been attacked by a T-rexaur. I knew it was my fault. I wished I had said something different to her, anything than what I had said that night. Rachel's death was my fault.

I withdrew myself away from everyone, that was until after the sorceress war. I found five people that I'm learning to call friends. Four of them grew up with me in the Orphanage, although my memories of them are very limited. Still, all of them tried to help me act upon my emotions, helped me learn to live. Devoting myself to SeeD was simple; you're supposed to put all your emotions behind you and follow the orders you're given. No questions. No emotions. Simple.

Entwined together now

It started to become harder to put my feelings behind me when you were in a coma. My focussed mind became plagued with thoughts of you. Questions concerning you entered my mind. I tried to push them away, and focus on SeeD again, believe me I tried. Yet I couldn't. What if I never hear your voice again? What happens if you're not around anymore, and I can't see your carefree face again?

I couldn't understand it, before I found you annoying. A burden. You're my complete opposite. I couldn't just forget about my duty in SeeD for you, could I? Carrying you on my to Esthar showed me I could. When you were in space, it scared me thinking you could die. I saved you. Every time you were in danger of leaving me alone, I brought you back. I wouldn't let you go. Had I already fallen for you even back then?

I always thought SeeD required no emotions. I thought it was simple, that was until Laguna spoke to us in Ragnarok about time compression. To get back after defeating Ultimecia, we had to think of those close to us. Have faith in each other. For the first time in SeeD, we had to use emotions. Somehow I made it back. I proved to myself that even after all I've told myself over the years, I couldn't do this by myself. I had to trust those close to me. Somehow I made it back. I reached out to you by making my way to the flower field, and you came too.

The other night we were on the balcony together, we watched a shooting star go by. I smiled as you pointed to the sky, just as you did the first night we met. It was then I lost all control of myself, or perhaps I didn't, perhaps I had taken complete control. Whichever it was, I had kissed you. The feeling of our lips dancing against mine, making me feel safe and comfort, and at the same time, began to torment me.

It's time to pass it over

The torment progressed after I left you that night at the SeeD party, celebrating our victory. I left early, these celebrations were never my idea of fun anyway. You pleaded with me to stay, but I was too tired and didn't want to be surrounded by unfamiliar faces. You tried so hard to keep me in there, but I left. So I made my way through the halls of Balamb Garden, which led to my dorm. Along the way, I had stopped outside the path, which led to the training centre. That had been when the memory of Rachel had come back. Before that night, I had forgotten about her, perhaps the guardian forces had taken the memory away, but it came back that night. It came back and haunted me all that night.

The memory had caused me to avoid you since that night on the balcony. That was until I was in the training centre, fighting battles with any creature that I could see, mainly to waste some time. Wiping the sweat from my brow I stopped temporarily to catch my breath.

"Squall?"

I heard your soft voice call my name. Slowly I turned around to face you. You smile slightly as you get closer, "Hey..." I speak, unsure of what I can say.

"Hi," you reply "I thought you had forgotten me, so I figured you would be here. Just thought I'd show my face." You smile, but I can see there is no happiness in he simple motion. Your eyes show an emotion far from happiness, it pains me to see that look from you. I hate that look.

Entwined together now

My head tells me to turn away from you; I fear that if I look at you any longer I'll reach out to you. Embrace you; try to make that visible pain go away. That is what my heart is screaming at me to do. No, I'm a SeeD. Nothing more than a soldier going into battle when needed. There should be no sentimental feelings.

So I obey what my head tells me to do, and ignore my screaming heart. I turn my back to you.

"I've been busy," I lie. I haven't been busy at all, Garden is still celebrating. From behind me, I hear you move a few steps and a sigh escapes your lips. You probably know I lied as well, but I don't care. You're the one who disturbed me from training. I don't care, I tell myself again. Then why do I feel so guilty?

Before I met you, it was so simple to let my head come before my heart. Now I find this strange comfort when I hear your name, or think of your face. Sometimes I even have a yearning for that comfort, for the same feelings I felt that night on the balcony. My head is starting to lose control.

Entwined forever

I dare myself to turn back to you and face that hurtful look that I don't like to see in your features. You are sat on a rock nearby, still looking at me. "I just want to know if you're okay," you say with another emotion visible. What is that emotion? Concern? "You left me in such a hurry at the party that night, I didn't know what to think."

Your eyes drop from my face to the ground. "I thought you left that night because of me," I watch as you scuff your foot across the grass from your sitting position. "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable or anything because of the kiss. I-"

"No" I cut you off through your sentence, the word slipping out of my mouth so easily. "You have no reason to apologise," I stop for a moment thinking of what else to say, maybe there is no more I can say. Either way, I don't want you to apologise over the kiss. Why, I ask myself, because I know I don't regret it. I stay silent for a few moments before you speak again.

"Why have you been avoiding me?"

And you take me over,

I freeze as I hear your words reach me. Why? I'm afraid; scared I'll hurt you, like I hurt Rachel. She died, and it was my fault. You're not Rachel though. I look deep into your eyes. I gave up everything to save you in space, all because of what? Love?

I never thought of that word much before. Love. I repeat the word over and over in my mind. Could it be? She's looking at me expectantly, yet she should know I can't answer. I'm avoiding you because I love you. It's something I wouldn't be able to say. I open my mouth to speak, to say something. Anything.

Over again

My body stiffens as I feel the warm contact of your skin against mine. Please don't do this. I feel so weak, unable to hurt you, just a little bit. Hurt you enough so maybe you would stay away and let me love you silently. Your fingers entwine in mine and I look at you with pleading eyes. Pleading for you to save me. You can see I'm trying, can't you? You have the door open for me; I just need to step out of the shadows I made.

Entwined together

You're not making me weak, and I'm not losing control of myself. I'm taking complete control. You're making me complete, and not just a mindless soldier. One day maybe I'll leave this dark place completely. I step as far out of the shadows as I can for today.

I embrace you.

Entwined forever

Authors note: Lyrics used in this story are from the Lacuna Coil song, 'Entwined'. I'm not sure if I will continue with this, some day I may go back and write a second chapter from Rinoa's point of view.