Rainbow's End: 'Unworthy Of Your Love' 3/11
UNWORTHY OF YOUR LOVE
2nd September
"Good morning to you, Donnatella!" White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Joshua Lyman chirruped as he bounded past his assistant, who was working at her desk, on the way through the bullpen to his office.
It was 6.30 on a clear September morning and Josh was in a startlingly good mood for such an early hour, usually he was not a morning person. He had found it odd that his aide, Donna Moss, had not been by the door to meet him but he shook the thought off. He put it down to any of a million different reasons, perhaps the most likely being that she was mad at him. Josh concluded that if Donna was mad at him she would soon get over it. The 'healing' process would be accelerated if there was something she deemed imperative that he should know. This sort of detail, however, was usually one for which Josh actually had very little concern. That was just the way their relationship worked.
Josh sat down in his desk chair and began to thumb through the files and the papers that were on the desk in front on him. On top of a blue file, located in a pile all of its own sat a luminescent post-it note, a radio- active green colour. On it, scrawled in the illegible hieroglyphics of Donna's hand were the words, or what Josh perceived the words to be, 'jam for Stef's tea'.
Who the hell is Stef? Unless the President's going to challenge Toby and C.J. to another game of mixed doubles. And she tries to kid me that this is distinctive penmanship. Josh mused. Well, not by any definition I'd choose to give the term, it sure as hell isn't!
There was a light knocking on the door; Josh looked up to see who was there. Part of him anticipated seeing Donna, even though the fact there was a knock provided the subtle hint that it most certainly was not. Even so, in the back of his mind Josh had kind of expected to see his assistant, so when he saw lofty, leggy Press Secretary, C.J. Cregg he got a shock.
"Claudia Jean, good morning! You aren't going to play mixed doubles with the President are you?" Josh probed, trying to establish the meaning behind his note.
"No. Besides, I don't think Toby's recovered from last time. That ball must've hurt hitting him at that speed."
"A-Kay." Josh put that thought out of his mind for the moment. "And what is it that brings you to the dark and dingy depths of my office? You fancy some adventure in your sad little life?" Josh teased.
"The only thing that could be construed as adventurous here, Joshua, is hoping to find a way out of this mess alive!" Josh flashed her his biggest and brightest grin.
"Can't make it too easy for people to leave my lair, C.J. I might go hungry." C.J. flashed him a smile back then studied him carefully from top to toe, the unkempt hair, the inane grin. Something seemed wrong to C.J.
"Josh, you feeling O.K.?"
"I feel fine, C.J." Josh answered perplexed. "Why?"
"It's just that it's 6.35 in the morning and not only are you both awake and alert but you're also in a good mood!"
"That's very good, C.J. Very funny. Now, whaddaya want?"
"I can't come in here for a social visit? It hurts me to think that you think that I would only come down here because I wanted something."
"Well, didn't you?"
"Well...Yeah."
"And there's my point!" Josh smirked triumphantly as C.J. glowered.
"I wanted you to look this through for me before Senior Staff."
"When is Senior Staff?"
"You don't know?"
"No. I think that someone's assistant is perhaps a little mad, today. I'll give you a clue, it's Donna."
"Whatcha do to her, Josh?"
"As far as I know?" C.J. nodded an affirmation, the movement of her head barely perceptible, it was more done through the tone of her eyebrows. "Nothing." C.J.'s right eyebrow arched further. "Honest to God, C.J. I can't think of one thing that I've done lately that could possibly make Donna mad. Well, not that mad anyway." Josh amended.
"How long's it been?"
"What?"
"Since she got mad at you."
"Since this morning?" Josh sounded a little doubtful.
"You say something to her last night before she went home that could have made her mad?"
"No. I even let her out early. She had a date last night."
"That was very 'not-you', Josh."
"Yeah, well, I only let her go early because of the fact that she had that date last night and I wanted to be spared the incessant ranting that Donna seems to find compulsory on the subject."
"How selfless!" C.J.'s response to the tale was particularly sardonic.
"You think that it could have been the date?"
"I dunno. It may have been..."
"Yeah, especially considering some of the total gomers she dated in the past. Maybe he did something that made her mad and now she's on an inverted misogynistic conquest and is mad at every man she comes into contact with." C.J. tutted.
"Read this." She threw the file she had wanted him to look at onto his desk right under his nose. She turned around and walked to the doorway. When she got there, she paused momentarily; then carried on, saying over her shoulder as she went that Senior Staff was at 7.00.
Josh picked up the file and began to flick through it, all the while wondering what he could do to bring his indefatigable, acerbic and somewhat controlling assistant back.
I could speak to Sam, see if Donna's told any of the girls in Communications what's wrong. She talks to them and then they report back to Sam. I'll call him. No. Wait. I can't call him, Donna'll find out. I'll go see him. Maybe I'll find some unsuspecting aide I can interrogate on the way. Oh yes. Hold on to your seats guys and girls, Joshua 'Rambo' Lyman is in the building!
Josh stood up and began to walk to the door to his office; halfway however, he decided that he perhaps ought to take the file C.J. had thrown at him. Who knew, maybe Sam had already read what was in the file and would relay that information to him.
Two birds with one stone. I really am da man!
Josh left his office and ventured through the Bullpen, calling to Donna on the way.
"Donna, I'm just going to go see Sam, I should be back after Senior Staff." There was no reply from Donna. "Wow. She really must be mad." Josh murmured to himself.
He walked through the hallways of the West Wing until he reached the Communications Bullpen. None of the department's aides were anywhere about.
Dammit! I was gonna talk to them.
Instead, he proceeded straight toward Sam's office and stood, craning his neck to see if the Deputy Communications Director looked to be free to speak. Unable to see clearly, Josh decided that he would risk entering. He knocked on the door.
It was dark inside Sam's office; Sam's figure slumped over his desk, his head resting on his arms. The pose of the silhouette was very telling, clearly expressing the exhaustion of Sam Seaborn. Josh kicked something on the office floor on the way in, unable to see for the gloom. The noise caused Sam to sit up with a start. Josh wondered if Sam had a migraine with having all the lights off but Sam stopped Josh from wondering why he was sitting in total darkness when he answered an unasked question with a loaded response.
"I wasn't asleep."
"Uh huh."
"I was just, well, I was..."
"Looking very closely at something on your desk?" Josh suggested.
"Oh screw it. So I was asleep." Sam took a moment to come to his senses. "Take a seat, Josh. You want I should turn the overhead light on?"
"Yeah." Josh sat down in the chair opposite Sam's, while Sam walked round his desk toward the light switch. Josh heard the light snap on but he was unprepared for the sudden surge of brightness that hit him. He blinked involuntarily until his eyes had grown accustomed to the light. Sam walked wearily back to the far side of his desk. He wore a mussed charcoal grey suit and white shirt, the top buttons of his shirt were undone and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He was in need of a shave and looked over to Josh with bleary eyes.
"My God, Sam. You look like hell! You get any sleep last night?"
"Nope."
"You really should you know."
"Yeah. What can I do for you, Josh?"
"Well..."
"And please bear in mind that we have Staff in twenty minutes and I think I'd kind of like to tidy myself up a little beforehand."
"Er, sure. It's just that...well, I just...O.K. So I was just wondering if you'd heard anything about Donna."
"She's your assistant." Sam said quite simply.
"Yeah. She is Sam. So, have you heard anything?"
"I just told you what I heard."
"You heard that Donna is my assistant?"
"Yeah. Well, actually some of the rumours do actually say that it's more the other way round..."
"Funny Sam. So, you heard anything?"
"About Donna?"
"Yes."
"No. Like what?"
"She's mad with me."
"What did you do to her, Josh?"
"Noth...wait! Why does everyone assume that it's my fault?"
"You really want to know?"
"Not really."
"It's cos it usually is."
"Yeah. Thanks Sam."
"Why's she mad?"
"I was hoping you might know. Have you actually been following this conversation or not?"
"Honestly? Not really; I'm clinically asleep right now. Anyway, why would I know? She's your assistant."
"I didn't know whether any of the aides over here had said anything to you. You know, without their little gossip network I swear to God that I would never find anything out."
"I've not heard a thing."
"What were you doing last night that made you look so bad?"
"I was round at Alex's."
"Everything O.K. with you two?"
"Yeah. She's just...you know she's not been very well lately; she was throwing up again all last night." Josh screwed up his nose.
"This is probably gonna seem like a silly question under the circumstances."
"What?"
"So, did you read that report C.J.'s been going around with?"
"I did."
"What's it about?"
"I'm not telling you; you should read it yourself."
"Well, let's work on the principle that I now don't have time 'cos I've wasted my time here talking to you."
"You could try saying that, Josh but I do not think C.J. would appreciate an excuse like that."
"You're probably right there."
"Yeah! So, you read the report while I go clean myself up a bit."
"O.K."
"I'll meet you back here in five?"
"Yeah, sure thing." Sam opened the bottom drawer of his desk and saw the letter he had written all that time before. He forced his eyes to leave the paper and set themselves on what he was looking for, a small bag that contained a razor and a few bits and pieces; all staples should an individual chance to do an all-nighter, also handy should a person leave home in an unfit state for work for whatever reason.
Josh had parked himself in one of Sam's guest chairs and flicked open the file. As he was leaving Sam had to pass Josh, who snagged his arm.
"Seriously Sam, is Alex O.K.? She's been sick for a little while now."
"Yeah. She's going to go see the doctor again later, the antibiotics he gave her last week don't seem to be doing any good. Hopefully they'll find out what's wrong this time."
"She's O.K.?"
"Yeah." Sam nodded adamantly and left to make himself presentable for the imminent Staff meeting.
17th August
The phone rang while Sam was lying in bed. It was his first Sunday off in a long while and he was looking forward to having a lie in and then spending the rest of the day with Alex. If this was Josh having fun at Sam's expense, he was not impressed, nor was he impressed if it was Toby telling him that there was a speech that needed writing now.
He snatched the phone from the cradle where it sat on his nightstand, glancing at the alarm clock, 7.30.
"Josh, if that's you, so help me..."
"Sam, it's not Josh, it's me." Sam recognised the voice immediately as Alexandra's, worrying him instantly.
"What's up?"
"I'm not sure I can make our date today."
"Why not? Is everything O.K.? Are you all right?" Sam's mind was going into overload. It really was amazing how quickly this girl had managed to penetrate his existence.
"I'm sure everything's fine, I've probably been working too hard lately and I'm feeling a little off colour." This did little to relieve Sam's concern so he decided to take some affirmative action.
"Yeah. I'll come over."
"Sam, I'll be fine. I think I just need to spend the day in bed. I really am sorry."
"Why? You can't help getting sick. I'll be over in a little while."
"You really don't need to..."
"Lex, you're sick. You'll get better much more quickly if you have someone who can take care of you." He made it sound like the only logical conclusion.
"Thanks Sam."
"Do you need me to bring anything over?" Eager to do anything he could to help.
"I think we should be fine."
"Right. I'll see you in a little while. Now, you stay in bed, keep warm and the TLC will be coming in a little while."
"Thank you." Sam put down the phone and began to get dressed frantically as he made a mental list of everything he would need to do.
He quickly pulled on a pair of blue jeans a t-shirt and his favourite black, round-necked jumper and ran from his apartment down to his car, grabbing some work on the way, hopped in and set off.
Sam arrived at Alex's apartment about an hour later after a trip to a supermarket that opened early, buying out its supplies of anything he felt they could possibly need: tissues in case it was a cold; several large cartons of orange juice, good for the vitamin C; cod liver oil capsules because he had heard that they're good for lots of things even if they did taste more like poison; herbal teas in several varieties, some of which he had never even heard; cans of soup (several varieties) – sick people always want soup; Tylenol; Maalox and a whole array of other bits and pieces, half of which Sam had never, ever bought before in his entire life.
He let himself in the front door, laden with his bags of supplies, with the key Alex had given him in case of emergencies. Well, Sam figured, this seems like an emergency to me!
"Lexie?" He called. Sam walked into Alex's sitting room with its comfy sofa where many a happy evening had been spent over the past couple of months; having a quiet time in together watching movies, eating take-out and enjoying each other's company. The room was light and airy, helped by the large windows at the end and the light cream paint on the wall. The décor was simple but very contemporary; very Alex, he thought.
He walked through the sitting room, popped the bags of supplies on the countertop in the kitchen and then he went down the short hallway that led to the bedroom. When he reached the door that led to the bedroom he knocked lightly on it, so as not to catch her unawares.
"Sam?" Came a quiet voice from inside. Sam pushed the door open and saw Alex tucked up in her bed, looking thoroughly miserable. "Hey."
"Hi Sweetie, how are you feeling?" Alex pulled a face. Sam didn't need to hear (or see) anymore. "I bought some stuff you might need."
Sam walked up to the bed and perched on the edge. He rested his hand on Alex's forehead to brush away a stray bit of hair and to try to determine whether her temperature was up.
"Woah, you're warm. I think that you have a fever. Do you have a thermometer?" Sam sounded efficient and 'doctor-like'; very much in control of the situation.
"In the bathroom cabinet."
"O.K. I'll go find it. Do you want anything bringing?"
"I'd kill for a cup of coffee!"
"A glass of OJ it is then." Sam grinned as Alex harrumphed, trying to figure out how Sam had gotten from coffee to orange juice in one swift step. He bent down and kissed her gently on the forehead and straightened the comforter she had wrapped around her. She had obviously been fidgeting so much it had started to work its way off the bed. "I'll be back in a minute." Sam closed the door quietly behind him as he left the room, heading for the kitchen first to get out some orange juice.
He found the glasses where they were usually kept, in the cupboard above the washing machine and filled it about three-quarters full with the orange juice that he had just bought, putting the open carton into the fridge to cool the rest of its contents. He picked up the glass and put it on the occasional table in the hall and opened up the door to the bathroom. The bathroom was a soft mint in colour, very pretty with its chrome fixtures and fittings. He saw what he was looking for, the small cupboard to the left of the sink that housed everything a girl could possibly want, including, lurking at the back, a small thermometer.
"Aha." Said Sam triumphantly as he snagged it from its hiding place. He replaced everything he had removed and shut the cupboard door, leaving the bathroom as he had found it and closing the door. He picked up the glass on his way past the table, the takeover as smooth as a relay runner accepting the baton.
He re-entered Alex's room to see her trying to sit up in bed.
"What do you think you're doing?" He asked her. After he put the glass of OJ and the thermometer down on the nightstand, he set about organising some pillows behind her to prop her up. When she was settled Sam popped the thermometer in her mouth and left it there for a minute. When the time was up, he took it from her mouth and looked at it. "Well, you know I thought you had a fever? Turns out I was right."
"How high?"
"Pretty high. 102.5. I should call and make an appointment for you with your doctor."
"There's no need, Sam. I'm sure I can just sleep it off."
"All right, then. You drink your juice and then lie down and sleep for a bit. I'm telling you though, if your temperature hasn't gone down and you don't feel any better when you wake up, I'm calling your doctor."
"Fine, Mom!"
"What symptoms do you have, anyway?"
"I feel tired; I have a fever, at least, you say that I do; when I got out of bed to use the bathroom everything hurt, it was like I'd run a marathon or something. I have a bit of a headache too but it only gets really bad when I move."
"O.K. Drink the juice and go to sleep. I'll be outside if you want anything."
"Sam?"
"Yeah."
"Will you stay in here with me?"
"Of course I will, honey. I'll just go and get a couple reports I need to read for some statements we've got to do. I'll sit in here and do some work while you rest. That O.K. with you?"
"Yeah."
X X X
Alexandra stirred as she started to wake up. Sam was sitting on a chair by the window, a file open on his knee and a pen in his hand underlining key passages which actually turned out to be the majority of the documents; there was more covered with neon yellow highlighter than wasn't.
"Lexie, honey, how are you feeling?" Sam asked quietly as he stepped over to the bed, perching himself on the edge.
"No better. What time is it?"
"4.30."
"4.30? In the afternoon?"
"Yeah."
"I don't think that I've ever slept that long in my life."
"And it did no good at all?"
"I don't think so."
"I'll take your temperature again, get you another glass of juice and then I'm calling your doctor. Where do you keep the number?"
"It's in the book by the telephone in the sitting room."
"O.K. If I pop this in now..." Sam said as he reached for the thermometer from the nightstand and shoved it into Alex's mouth before she even realised what was going on, "...it should just about be cooked by the time I get back."
Sam left to refill the glass with orange juice, now cool from having been in the refrigerator. He returned to the bedroom and removed the thermometer, handing over the glass as an exchange.
"Hmmm."
"What? Has it gone down?"
"No, no. 102.7."
"It's gone up?"
"Yeah."
"I'm gonna go call the doctor and see if I can get you a consultation."
"K."
Sam wasn't an expert in illness; seldom ill himself he remembered how debilitating the flu could be, that was all it was, he thought. Or some viral thing, there's often something like that going about.
Sam got on well with making a doctor's appointment. If he hurried he figured he could get Alex there for an emergency appointment at 5.00; the surgery was just around the corner.
"Lex," he said as he once again walked the familiar hall to the bedroom. "I've got you an appointment for 5.00, we need to get you dressed and into my car, stat. Do you need a hand or can you manage?"
"I'll be fine."
"I'll wait out here for you."
A few minutes later, Alex walked slowly to where Sam was waiting, now in an old pair of khaki cargo pants and a beige T-shirt.
"You look terrific." Sam grinned at her, his eyes twinkling.
"Shut up, Sam." She grinned back but it was a mere shadow of its former self and her eyes lacked the sparkle they usually had.
"My car's outside, come on." He led her out.
X X X
"Straight back into bed with you, miss." Sam instructed. He had put himself in charge and the large chemist's bag in his hand only reinforced his own opinion of his importance.
"Yes Doctor. But Sam, you do realise that this is just a viral thing and that the medicine in that little bag you're holding is going to make it all better."
"Into bed, have your medicine and go to sleep."
"Will you stay with me tonight?"
"Sure."
Sam sorted out her medication and gave it to her then he sat himself on the bed next to Alexandra and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back into them and closed her eyes. There she slept in his embrace. Sam stayed awake most of the night and for the next couple of weeks as Alex got no better. He kept her close but still whatever had its grips on her would not shift. Sam worked in the White House during the day and then went home to play nurse.
2nd September
"Have you read the report, Josh?" a now cleanly shaven Sam asked.
"I have. It's about painting the White House. My thing is, why would they think that I would care enough to read a memo, let alone object in anyway. I mean, it's not as if they're going to paint it pink or anything, is it?"
"If they did, we wouldn't work in the White House anymore, would we. They'd have to change the name. Think of all those D.C. guidebooks that would need to be changed."
"Yeah. Whatever." Josh shrugged, "I really don't care."
"To Staff?"
"To Staff. It is in Leo's office, right?"
"You don't know?"
"I did tell you that Donna's pissed at me, leaving hostile post-it notes that I can't actually understand, didn't I?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"Well, Sam, she's so mad she didn't even tell me where Staff was."
"Oh."
"So where is it?"
"Leo's."
"O.K."
The two set off, talking on the way.
"What exactly is wrong with Alex?"
"She's almost always got a fever, but it does sometimes clear and when we think that it's gone, it comes back with a vengeance. She's had headaches and she's been sick. She's got really sore bones and joints and things seem to be achy..."
27th August
"What's that, Lex?" Sam asked catching sight of something on Alex's arm, as she walked up to sit next to him on the sofa.
"It's just a bruise. I must have caught it on the nightstand, I'm always doing that."
"O.K."
2nd September
"Are you going to the doctor's with her? Do you need time?"
"No. She says she'll manage by herself. I think she just wants a little independence for once."
"O.K. You know, though, if you want time, I'm sure I can arrange something. You never take any sick days; I think you're entitled to a little personal time. Especially as Alex is as good as family." Sam was about to object, then he remembered their summer.
4th July
"You managed to get away early!" Alex squealed as she opened the front door and saw Sam Seaborn in front of her. She flung her arms around him and looked straight up into those clear eyes, deeper and bluer than the ocean.
"I did." He beamed proudly. "I thought it would be nice. I thought we could take a picnic and go for a drive to Chesapeake Bay, get out my boat and take it for a sail. We can sit and watch the stars come out and watch the fireworks from out on the ocean blue. Then, we can come back to shore and have a steady drive back here to D.C. How does that sound to you?"
"That sounds like heaven. There's just one thing, though."
"What's that?"
"I don't think that I have anything in any of my cupboards that is suitable for a picnic."
"It's just as well I planned ahead then. There's a picnic all packed up in the trunk of my car, a very nice bottle of wine and also..." he reached around the door and picked something up from the hallway outside, "some flowers for you."
"Sam, they're beautiful, thank you." It was the most beautiful bunch of blue irises, white lilies and red roses with a plethora of other flowers; all red, white and blue. Ideal for the holiday.
"And the plan? What do you think of the plan?"
"It's a good plan."
"You think."
"Yeah."
Alex ran into her room to get changed into something more appropriate. She threw on a pair of linen pants and a cotton shirt with thin stripes in different tones of blue and the odd hint of green. Sam was in stone-washed blue jeans with a black polo shirt and a Princeton sweatshirt tied around his middle.
X X X
I am nothing,
You are wind and water and sky Darlin'
Tell me darlin',
How I can earn your love.
I would swim oceans,
I would move mountains,
I would do anything for you.
What do you want me to do?
I am unworthy of your love,
Darlin', darlin'
Let me prove worthy of your love.
Tell me how I can earn your love,
Set me free.
How can I turn your love to me?
I am nothing,
You are wind and devil and God, Darlin',
Take my blood and my body
For your love.
Let me feel fire,
Let me drink poison,
Tell me to tear my heart in two,
If that's what you want me to do...
I am unworthy of your love,
Darlin', darlin'
I have done nothing for your love.
Let me be worthy of your love,
Set me free –
I would come take you from your life...
I would come take you from your cell...
You would be queen to me, not wife...
I would crawl belly-deep through hell...
Baby, I'd die for you...
Even though –
I will always know:
I am unworthy of your love,
Darlin', darlin'.
Let me be worthy of your love.
I'll find a way to earn your love,
Wait and see.
Then you will turn your love to me,
Your love to me...
('Unworthy Of Your Love' from 'Assassins' by Stephen Sondheim and transcribed from 'Putting It Together', new recording (1999)).
X X X
"This was a wonderful idea of yours." Alex said as she lay down on the deck of Sam's boat. She was looking up at the sky and looking out at all the stars. There was a bang and a shower of stars overhead.
"Looks like the fireworks are starting." Sam said moving in beside Alex, she snuggled up to him. She shivered a little as the breeze caught them. "Are you cold?"
"It was just the wind, it was a little chilly."
"Have my jumper." Sam reached for the sweater that was tied around his waist and wrapped it around Alex's shoulders. "Call it a compromise." She smiled and settled back contentedly in his arms. That night was when the fireworks really started.
"Sam, are you even paying attention to what I'm saying?" The Chief of Staff asked in his usual acerbic tone.
"Yeah. Sorry, Leo."
"You're O.K. to start writing the thing for the State Dinner with Toby today?"
"Yeah. Sure."
"Something on your mind, Sam?" C.J. asked. "You look as if something is bothering you."
"Everything's fine, Ceej, thanks." C.J. looked doubtful but decided to leave it alone.
"Anyone got anything else."
"Me." Said C.J.
"What's that?"
"Has everyone read the report I gave them this morning?" No one answered. "Let me put it another way; does anyone object to the report, memo, 'thing' I gave you earlier?"
"Can I ask one question before I decide on an answer to that question?"
"What, Joshua?" C.J. dreaded to think.
"They're not going to paint it pink or anything are they?"
"What?"
"The White House, 'cos then it wouldn't be the White House anymore." C.J. opened her mouth to allow some biting remark to come out but nothing came.
"No." she said. "Josh, I am not going to let you take me there. Does anyone have any sensible objections?"
"C.J., like anybody could care less." Grumbled Toby.
"Is that it?" asked Leo, keen to get the meeting over with and get back to testing his missile shield that still wasn't working, Josh guessed this and decided to have some fun.
"How much is it missing by now, Leo?"
"We got it down to 63 miles on the last go."
"Well that's an improvement." C.J. nodded her approval.
"Not if you consider that to get it down that low the distance it missed by went via 186 miles."
"Ah. That's not so good." C.J. conceded.
"C.J., there is no way that makes a difference." Toby pointed out, "It still missed!"
"Get out!" said Leo. "C.J., go brief the Press about...something, Toby and Sam go write the speech for the State Dinner, I want a draft by close of play today and a finalised copy by lunchtime tomorrow. Oh, and Toby, try not to upset too many people this time and Josh, Josh...Josh, you go do whatever it is that you do."
They dispersed and got to work, Josh hovering around Sam all day to make sure that he was doing O.K. If Sam decided he needed to take some time, Josh would be there to facilitate it.