Rainbow's End: 'There's Always Tomorrow' 5/11
THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW
"Go ahead. Do it."
"Oui, Mr. President. Merci."
Why can't we stay as little children?
Why must we put away our toys?
Our parents don't have the adventures
That we do as girls and boys.
Those grown-ups look so solemn
I know that grown-ups have to work and worry
I s'pose one day I'll have to grow up
But I'm not in any hurry
No I'm not in any hurry
All the while I can say:
There's always tomorrow
There's probably soon
There's maybe or sometime
Someday or some year
Or in a blue moon
And wait for that moment
So full of perhapses
As each day elapses
There's always tomorrow
Why should I ever give up flying?
Who says I have to be a man?
That may be fine for other children
But it's not for Peter Pan
As long as there are stars to guide me
And while the sun still shines like gold
Away in Never Land you'll find me
And I won't be growing old
There's always tomorrow
There's probably soon
There's maybe or sometime
Someday or some year
Or in a blue moon
I'll wait for that moment
So full of surprises
As each new dawn rises
There's always tomorrow
As each new dawn rises
There's always tomorrow
('There's Always Tomorrow' from Peter Pan the musical by Anthony Drewe & George Stiles. Transcribed from JoJo de la Cerna: Trust The Wind).
But there isn't always tomorrow. Sam had to face reality, he had to leave Never Land; he had to give up flying.
The happiness he knew had come crashing down around him.
X X X
4th September
Sam dropped Alexandra off at her apartment so she could pack up a few things to take round to Sam's when she moved in that evening. The plan was that as soon as Sam was done at the White House, he would go back to Lexa's place, pick up her and the things she needed and take them over to his apartment. They would deal with the rest of the stuff over the weekend.
Sam walked into the White House looking older than his years. He was tired; he was hungry but didn't want to risk eating as his stomach still felt unsettled from the previous night; his eyelids were heavy and the red rims around his eyes showed how tired he really was.
The White House however, is a solemn place where solemn work is done and where personal problems need to stay at the water's edge. He walked through the halls to his office and flopped down onto his desk chair, swinging his briefcase up onto the desk in front of him. He had been sitting there a moment when he heard the familiar thump, thump of Toby's stress ball on the partition between their offices.
He hoisted himself to his feet and forced one leg in front of the other to get himself into his boss's office.
"Toby?"
"Well you don't look any better than you did last night." Toby said plaintively fiddling with the small, pink ball that he was now holding securely in his hand.
"What did you want?" Sam asked wearily.
"I wanted to see how you were. Now I have my answer." Toby threw the ball against the wall a couple more times for good measure.
"What are we working on?"
"Not a lot. I spent the morning pushing pieces of paper from one side of my desk to the other." Toby's attempt at humour were lost on Sam. He stood with his hands folded, rather defensively, Toby thought, not the usual posture associated with Sam Seaborn.
"Did Josh get home O.K. last night?"
"He ended up in his office. Donna found him asleep in there first thing this morning." Sam smiled. That did not surprise him. "I offered to take him home but the wine with the fish course really seemed to be too much for him and he decided to stay in his office." Josh and his delicate system! "Never mind Josh. Did you get home O.K. last night?"
"Yeah."
"And you slept? Actually, don't even answer that, I can see for myself. What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong with me." Toby looked sceptical, leaning back in his seat to further appraise his Deputy.
"Is everything all right at home, then?"
"Yeah. Lexa's moving in."
"That's nice. What made the two of you suddenly decide to seize the opportu..."
"Fellas, Oval, now." Ginger threw at the two men through the open door, almost with the velocity of one of Toby's stress balls.
Toby and Sam exchanged glances and rose to their feet immediately. They set off at a brisk pace, Sam stumbling over Toby's coffee table on the way. Toby wanted to say something but decided that it would be more prudent to save the conversation for later.
They filled the seats in the Oval Office.
"We've just received a report from our Ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia. There have been reports of explosions coming from just outside the Panahpe region. Intelligence has led us to believe that there are nuclear weapons being tested out there. There has also been concern about the area just to the south of Hawaii."
"Whose?" Toby asked. The President looked to Leo for his answer.
"France."
"We didn't see this coming?" Josh asked.
"They were just here for a State Dinner." Said C.J.
"Stop them, Sir." Ziegler said plainly.
"Concerned about the Manta Rays, Toby?"
"No Sir. We played host to these people last night. They were our guests at a State Dinner, now they're biting the hand that feeds them? We should not stand for it."
"Toby, Sam, I want a statement for the Press. C.J. field all questions for the moment; we only have unconfirmed reports, we're looking for accuracy and once established we're looking for source. Josh, I want you to sit in the meeting that Leo and I are about to have with Monsieur Delacroix. Go do it!"
There were choruses of "Yes Sir." and "Yes Mr. President." as the Staff dissipated to see to their assigned duties.
Josh, Leo and President Bartlet spent the afternoon in an intense meeting with the French President which simply brought to the fore denial after denial and pleas of ignorance to boot. They were getting nowhere.
Sam and Toby's statement waited for firm facts, C.J. fielded enquiries from all the reporters she saw, some of whom had made a special trip to her office in the hopes of an exclusive as part of the intense competition to be the first person to be told something substantive.
At 10.00pm Delacroix's defences were finally penetrated. He admitted that France were testing their nuclear arsenal in the South Pacific, but still denied vehemently any knowledge that this was all happening within the direct vicinity of the Federated States of Micronesia or any other populated area.
The statement Sam and Toby was writing was not completed until just after midnight and C.J. decided that she would add the information to an early morning briefing the next day. Neither she nor the Press Corps wanted to spend any more time than they absolutely had to waiting around the White House. In the same vein all of the White House Communications staffers had left, with the exception of Ginger, who had remained to offer secretarial support and more, ensuring that both Sam and Toby had everything they needed, be it copious amounts of caffeine or more legal pads to accommodate Toby's pen, furiously scratching and scribbling
As they had written the statement, Sam had worked his way further and further into his own head. Toby could tell that he was having a difficult time concentrating and he could tell that the young man was worn just by looking at him, leaving Toby to do the lion's share of the work. Now wasn't the time however. Toby had to push the concern he felt for his pale and drawn Deputy out of his head, he had an important statement to write, with which he was getting very little assistance.
X X X
When they were done for the night (or the early morning, as it now was), Sam made his way around to Alex's apartment. He got there to find the lights on and her sitting on the sofa. It was obvious she had been waiting up for him.
"I'm sorry I'm late. We had a thing come up today; we had to write a statement for the President."
"I figured as much. I saw the news, I heard C.J. wouldn't offer any comment. It's O.K. I know that you're busy and I know the hours you work; it's a pretty tough job you do."
"Thank you. That you can understand is...novel, to be sure. Most women...well, you're TV not most women." He noticed that she had been sitting on the sofa watching. He sat down beside her and put his arm around her, pulling her to him. "What are you watching?"
"Just the end of a film."
"What film?" Sam asked as he shifted himself into a position that afforded him a clear view of the television.
"'Death Becomes Her'!" she said, a sardonic smile touching the corners of her lips.
"That's a macabre sense of humour you got. I don't think it becomes you. Straight up, what are you watching?"
"'Kate and Leopold'. I'm wishing that some debonair guy will come along and sweep me off my feet."
"I wouldn't hold your breath." Sam said.
"That's funny, though. I always, pictured you as the Leopold type. But do you know what really is uncanny: the character J.J. He reminds me so much of Josh. I mean the ego, the mouth that gets him into trouble, the way he plays with his food..."
"That really bugged you when he came around for dinner, didn't it?"
"It really did. I wanted to take the fork from him and just stuff it in his mouth." J.J. came up on the screen again.
"He really is like Josh, isn't he?" Alex nodded. "I mean they even look a little bit alike. It's late, or early, depending on how you want to look at it, maybe I could take your stuff over to my place first thing in the morning before I go to work."
"We could go now if you wanted to. Well, after the film. If you're not too tired." Sam was tired but he was not going admit that.
"That sounds great." Sam smiled. "Have I got time to grab a quick shower and something to eat?"
"Sure. What did you want to eat?"
"Some potato chips will be fine."
"Are you sure that you don't want anything more? That's really not very much and if you've been busy at work I know you won't have got anything there."
"Potato chips will be fine." Sam reiterated. "That and a cup of coffee, who could ask for anything more?"
"I'll get them while you take your shower."
"You sit there and watch the end of your film."
Sam took himself off to the bathroom and when he was safely out of the way, Lexa went into the kitchen and put on the coffee maker and also opened the fridge and rummaged out the ingredients for a chicken salad sandwich. She filled thick slices of bread with a variety of salad leaves, tomato, cucumber, watercress and of course chicken then she sliced it into more manageable pieces and put them onto a plate with a selection of potato chips arranged around the edge. When she was done she took them through to the sitting room and put them on the coffee table where they waited for Sam to finish his shower.
He emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, freshly showered and dressed in a pair of grey sweatpants and the Princeton sweatshirt he had worn when they had been out for their picnic. He was about to walk to the kitchen when he caught sight of the plate on the table.
"I made you a sandwich."
"You didn't have to do that, Lex. I told you, just some chips would've been fine."
"And I didn't believe you so I made you a sandwich."
"Thank you."
Sam ate the sandwich as the pair of them kept an eye on the television. The programme that was on disturbed Sam.
"You know, they showed like fifteen episodes of this last night and all that guy did was moan that he had a mild concussion."
"He's going up in the world, then. Today he has small pox."
"Well that doesn't sound good."
Although they would not confess to it under torture, they actually both got quite into the programme, so much so that they stayed to watch the next episode but the little blond buy being abducted by aliens really pushed them over the edge and they decided that the big move would begin then and there.
What first appeared to be a simple job actually took three trips to move all the cartons of stuff from one place to the other, finally finishing at 6.30 in the morning, just in time for Sam to shower again and get dressed for work.
"You going to be O.K. here by yourself all day?"
"I'll be fine, Sam. I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy. I've got all these cartons to unpack for a start."
"You should take it easy. Get some sleep."
"I may do that, too."
"You just make sure you do."
"You make sure you take it easy today." She could see that Sam looked tired. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you move the stuff last night."
"You didn't make me move all the stuff last night. I said we'd do it when I got in from work, and we did."
"Yeah. But you weren't counting on being so late home."
"I wasn't, but it's done now. You're here."
"I am." She took a quick glance at the clock on Sam's wall. "You really should be going Sam, you'll be late."
"Yeah." He bent down and kissed her on the top of her head. She snagged his hand as he was about to leave.
"Sam?"
"Yeah."
"If you want to talk to Josh or Toby or C.J., that's O.K. If you can't talk to me."
"Er yeah." This made Sam feel very uncomfortable and he headed for the door at a pace near to a sprint. He was not comfortable even thinking to himself about his girlfriend dying nor talking about it to her, let alone mentioning it to any of the others.
5th September
All the sleepless nights Sam had had lately looked to have taken their toll on him. He had not had a full night's sleep since Alexandra had started to feel ill. He had been playing nursemaid through the night while juggling it with his very demanding day job.
He was a few minutes late in that morning and had to go straight to staff. He got accosted on the way by Josh, who insisted Sam left his coat and briefcase in his office and that he go straight to Staff with him.
"So, we didn't get the chance to talk yesterday."
"We did not." Sam headed off quickly but Josh took long strides to keep up with him as they traversed the hallways of the West Wing.
"You were sick the other night?"
"I was a little off colour, that's all."
"Perhaps you have what Lex has. How's she doing now? Is whatever it is starting to clear up yet?"
"It's not... yeah. Things are being sorted. Things are fine."
"Good. You look a little tired. You've not had the chance to sleep yet, have you?"
"I've had very little time. Lexie is moving in; we spent last night moving her stuff into my apartment."
"You all finished now?"
"Yeah, Lex is unpacking today."
"She doesn't have to go into work today?"
"No, she doesn't have to work today." Sam neglected to mention that she had handed in her resignation and had opted not to work out her notice period, as inconvenient and irresponsible it may seem to her employers, though who, once they had learned her reasons, became suddenly more understanding.
"Well, that's handy."
"Yeah."
They arrived at the Oval's Outer Office.
"Hey Charlie." Said Josh.
"Josh. Sam; you O.K.?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
"You can't go in there for a minute. He's just finishing up a meeting then you'll be able to go on in."
"Thank you."
C.J. and Toby arrived in the Outer Office together, too, deep in conversation.
"Samuel, Joshua." Said C.J. Toby grumbled some kind of greeting that was met with a similar response from Sam.
"Hey!" Josh said.
"What's wrong, Spanky?"
"Why does everyone assume that there is something wrong?" Sam snapped.
"I wonder, Sam, if your attitude there could be a giveaway."
"That and the fact that you look like death warmed over." Added Toby helpfully, not one to waste time on niceties.
"Really guys, it's not that I don't appreciate your concern, it's just that there's nothing wrong."
Before anyone had a chance to argue with what was a blatant lie, there was a mass exodus from the Oval Office consisting of Lord John Marbury, who had somehow become an overall authority and advisor to the American President on nuclear weapons, Delacroix and a handpicked selection of his aides.
"You can all go in now." Said Charlie and the Staff complied, filing into the Oval Office and seating themselves around the room.
There was the usual round of greetings then straight into business.
"The French President is still playing dumb, though if you ask me he really doesn't have to try very hard. It is happening, we know that, we have reports, CNN has reports, it's pretty conclusive. You're all going to be hearing a lot about this today, directly or indirectly. Josh, go up to the hill and talk to some senators, they're from the Hawaii and a couple from Pacific coasts and are worried about any subsidiary effects for them should the fall out reach that far. Sam, we've arranged for you to take meetings with some environmental groups, they're screaming blue murder, we just thought it may calm them down a little if someone listens to their concerns; you never know, you may even be able to do something to allay them. Toby, if you could co-ordinate the updates from the meetings between your office and C.J.'s office. C.J., there'll be a slow leak to the press. Nothing gets confirmed to them until you get the nod from Toby and he has the heads up from Leo and me. Are we clear?"
Everyone nodded.
"Good. Let's move on."
Thus they were dismissed from the Oval Office.
"Sam, Ginger told me that she put the schedule of the meetings on your desk." Toby said as he walked alongside Sam. "You've got some time to go do some prep. and if there's anything you need to talk to me about before you start, then I'm in my office." The hint did not escape Sam's notice. He walked on ahead of the others to call into Josh's office to pick up his stuff, before going to his own office and beginning his work for the day. Josh and C.J. followed Toby back to his office, where they hoped they would be able to have a brief word before Sam arrived.
"Do you know what's wrong with him, Josh?"
"I think he's just tired. Lexa's moving in with him and they spent last night moving stuff from her place to his, so I doubt he got any sleep then, given the time we all got away. I also know she's been sick lately with a thing that seems to have stuck in for the long haul, it's kept him busy playing nursemaid, but he told me this morning that that's all sorted now." C.J. turned to Toby.
"Has he said anything to you, Toby?" They had now made it to Toby's office. Toby placed himself so he was leaning against his desk while the Press Secretary and the Deputy Chief of Staff stood facing him.
"He has not." Toby averted his eyes from C.J.'s steady gaze but the only thing it did was heighten the woman's suspicion.
"Toby?"
"He hasn't said anything to me...as such."
"Tobias." C.J. raised an eyebrow in Toby's direction.
"He didn't say anything so much as I found him throwing up in the men's room."
"When?"
"Night of the State Dinner."
"Toby!" both Josh and C.J. exclaimed simultaneously.
"Why the hell didn't you say anything?" demanded Josh.
"He didn't want me to."
"You should have told us!"
"I wanted to respect what Sam wanted."
"Since when do you care whether you're popular or not. It would've killed you to tell us?"
"Sam didn't want you to know." Toby defended himself, wholly convinced that his decision had been the right one at the time, under the current circumstances, however, the shift in climate opened the door for him to tell them.
"Why was he sick?" C.J. asked.
"I don't know, C.J., do I look like a doctor?" C.J. fixed him with a glare and his obvious discomfort meant that he altered his answer: "I couldn't get him to tell me." His honest reply and the worry he felt were evident from his face, C.J. softened her glare.
"When you said he was sick I didn't actually think you meant that he was sick." Josh said with his not uncommon form of illogical logic.
"That's why he went home early?"
"Yes. I sent him home, also why he was late in the next day. I told him there was no need to rush in first thing."
"And very benevolent of you it was too, Toby." Came Sam's voice from the doorway.
C.J. and Josh turned around quickly.
"How long have you been there?" asked Josh.
"Long enough." Sam was leaning on the door frame with his arms folded in front of his chest, half-amused, half-annoyed that his colleagues felt so able to openly discuss his private business.
"You do know, Spanky, that if there's something wrong you can tell us."
"We're your friends." Added Josh. "We'd like to help if we can."
"Guys, there's really nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do or say that will make things better. There is nothing anyone can do at all."
"Try us. We can be very resourceful when we put our minds to it." Josh said as C.J. nodded confirmation, the pair of them latching onto Sam's forthright admittance that there was a problem.
"Really, it's nothing." Sam turned to walk away.
"Sam!" Toby bellowed. Sam froze and turned around to face the assembled group.
"Yes." He said quietly.
"Sit down on the couch." Sam obeyed the instruction.
"Talk." Toby ordered hoping that it would have the same effect as his other instruction to his Deputy.
"It's not me, I'm fine. Really." Sam affirmed, though the look on his face was particularly recalcitrant and to the other three members of the Senior Staff present, he looked for all the world like a petulant child.
"Oh come on Sam! Pull the other one, it plays 'The Internet Is For Porn'" Toby shot Josh a sideways glance, "What?" he defended his hands out in front of him, "It's a song, it comes from Avenue Q..."
"If it's not you, who?" asked C.J. gently, diverting the attention of the two men back to Sam.
"It's Alex."
"I knew it!" Josh exclaimed triumphantly, only shutting up when he received a glare from C.J. and Toby.
"She's sick."
"We know, Spanky. Josh said."
"No. I mean she's really sick."
"With what?" Toby was the only one who could ask the question, the other two seemed stunned; too busy running possible scenarios through their heads.
"She has Acute Lymphocytic Leukaemia. ALL."
"Oh Sam, I'm so sorry." Said C.J.
"It's not me that's sick."
"What therapy's she having?" asked Josh. "My Dad hated his."
"She's not."
"What?" Josh asked, not sure whether he'd grasped the right end of the stick.
"She's not having treatment." C.J.'s mouth fell open.
"Why?" Josh asked. "Excuse me for saying Sam, but that's really dumb. I mean, cancers are so curable these days." Toby guessed there was something more.
"The prognosis is very poor Josh, it's a consequence of radiotherapy she received when she was younger, she's had cancer before and she knows what the treatment is, she knows what it means and she doesn't want to go through that again, she hasn't got long left and she doesn't want to waste the time she does have by having treatment and not feeling up to enjoying her little remaining time. I don't think that sentence was anywhere near making sense." Sam groaned.
"Can't you change her mind? There's always hope. New treatment..."
"She made up her mind herself while I was out. When she said that it came as a big surprise to me too. I wanted her to take it back, I wanted her to have the treatment. I didn't know that she's already been through this once. Now I see she wants to be pragmatic. I'm supporting her decision, God knows it can't have been an easy one to make." There was silence for a moment.
"I'm sorry. I have a meeting. I've gotta go." Josh was the first to bail. He couldn't stay in the room any longer. It made him think of his father, how a good man suffered with a disease over which he had no control, at least he was older, Josh conceded. He had lived his life, had the chance to have children...Children! The thought of people dying young also reminded him of his sister and then there was his own near death experience. So much wasted potential. It wasn't fair. Bad things happed to good people and nothing could be done about that.
C.J. thought it would be best if she left too, giving Sam some space to talk to Toby and if that succeeded in releasing even the smallest modicum of the pressure that she knew must be inside of him, then it was a good thing.
"Excuse me. I really ought to go brief the press." She excused herself and followed Josh out of the door closing it behind her quietly with a soft click.
"Why do you think he was sick at the State Dinner, seen as he is insisting so adamantly that he is all right?"
"I think it was probably a combination of shock and pressure, if he knew by then."
"He must've done, C.J. Crap! All I could think about was that he give me a lift home."
"You think that was why his driving was off too?"
"It's the only reason I can think of."
X X X
"Sam, stay here a minute." Toby instructed quietly, as he saw Sam was about to vacate his spot on Toby's couch.
"Toby?"
"When did you hear the diagnosis?"
"The day of the State Dinner."
"Why the hell did you come? We would have understood; especially if you'd told us all. Dammit! I didn't even know that Alex hadn't been well."
"It's not the sort of thing you actually feel that comfortable talking about, Toby."
"I know. I'm sorry. I don't expect this is easy for you."
"Not so much, no."
"Why were you sick the other night?"
"I was worried, I guess. I had just heard the news that the woman I love is going to die. I think the pressure and the fact that I've not been sleeping too well lately and everything just suddenly got to me. There was such a strong pressure in my chest the only way I could get rid of it was being sick." Sam looked embarrassed. "I really am sorry that you had to see that, you know."
"I know that, and you really needn't apologise. I understand."
"How could you possibly...?"
"Not long after we got married, Andi found a lump." Toby cleared his throat and ran his hand over his bald head nervously. "On her breast. Waiting for the test results was hellish. It turned out to be nothing but it could have been something. I'd expected the worst, as I would. I have never known such intense worry and emotion as I felt then." Sam nodded quietly.
"She went through all the tests by herself. She didn't call me to go with her. I should have been there."
"Do you want some time today, Sam?"
"No. We're busy and I have some green meetings, remember?"
"Yeah. You know, if you want any time, come talk to me and I'll see what we can arrange."
"Thank you Toby, that's very generous, but..."
"I mean it Sam. If you need time off to take her to a doctor's appointment, to do anything, come talk to me."
"Thanks."
"Anything you feel you need to get off your chest before we move on?"
"Nah, I think we're good."
"O.K. Go get ready for your meeting with the little green men!" Sam left Toby's office. It did actually feel good to have told someone and Toby had been scarily nice about the whole thing, which was weird, but Sam wasn't going to argue.
X X X
Josh decided that he would call back and see Sam alone before he went off to his meetings on the hill. He tapped on Sam's open door and walked in but not before he had raised his hand to Toby to let him know he was going in. Josh also figured that knowing Toby's astute mind he would be able to work out why. Toby nodded at Josh.
Sam was sitting at his desk writing frantic notes on a bit of paper that was in front of him.
"Josh. What can I do for you?"
"Just came by to see how you are."
"You can see I'm fine."
"Yeah." Josh put himself in the chair across from Sam. "You see, thing is, I need a little more detail than that." Sam could see that this had the potential to go on, so he stood up from his desk chair, walked across the room and pushed his office door to, then he returned to his seat.
"What Josh?"
"How're you doing?"
"I'm doing fine."
"You're looking after her?"
"Yeah. She gets tired and she often doesn't feel well. She's putting a very brave face on things."
"So are you."
"I'm not doing anything."
"Come on Sam. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? The strain of your face is plain for all to see. I know you're feeling the pressure and I know you looked fit to burst until you'd actually told someone about it." Josh now attempted to seek reaction. The idea being that it would help Sam vent everything he was feeling and Josh knew Sam well enough to tell, just by looking at him that he had yet to have the chance to do that. Josh figured that he needed to get Sam to face things, to clear his head out some and focus him. He knew that if Sam did not get some sort of relief or release soon he would go nuts. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
"We've only just found out ourselves, Josh. It's quite a lot to adjust to in such a short space of time."
"How do you feel about the fact that she made her decision without talking to you first?" Josh knew that this would hit home.
"She had her reasons. It's her life, Josh, or what's left of it. I think it's only her right to choose how she lives it." The tone of Sam's voice stepped up a notch.
"Still, she wants to share her last...well, she wants to share her last days with you. You must have thought you were owed some say, even if it was only so you could get your head around everything too." Josh was on a roll now. He could see that he was taking Sam nearer and nearer the edge of the precipice. "It was selfish not to include you. She didn't even tell you about her previous dealings with cancer."
"She has a right to be selfish, Josh. She's going to DIE!!!" At this point Sam exploded. The lull after the blast only seemed to exacerbate the effects of the explosion. It suddenly hit home. She was going to die. His Alexandra was going to die! He felt the tears coming and the same constricting feeling he had felt after the diagnosis on the evening of the State Dinner when Toby had found him in the men's room. The tears started slowly at first, gently rolling down Sam's cheeks, then they seemed to increase in number until his face was almost awash. His breathing grew more and more ragged too. Josh stood up from his chair and walked around Sam's desk. He pulled the younger man into a tight hug.
"Have you actually cried yet Sam?" Josh felt Sam shake his head as it burrowed into his shoulder. That's why there's so much pressure. So much tension etched into the lines of his face. Josh held Sam to him as the younger man cried. Hey, this is like good cop, bad cop, but this time Toby's the good cop and I'm the bad cop, making Sam cry and all. Weird! Josh felt Sam grip him tighter for support, he didn't complain, he held Sam tighter too. He rubbed his hand up and down Sam's back to comfort him.
At this point he didn't care that he was going to run late. Sam needed him so he would face the consequences of Leo's wrath, whatever they may be, gladly. He would stay there with Sam locked in his arms, using him for solace, for as long as Sam wanted to stay like that. Forever if he had to.
They didn't notice C.J. and Toby quietly open the door, look in and leave them to it; they were torn between smiling at the two friends and wanting to go in there and comfort the Deputy Communications Director themselves. He really did have the knack of bringing out the protective streak in even the most unlikely people.
Josh shifted his weight a little but still Sam did not move; he needed something (or someone) to cling to more than anything else at the moment.
X X X
"Poor Sam." C.J. said. "I think he needs to cry about it though. I think his little session in there with Josh is doing him good."
"It's also assuaging some of Josh's guilt."
"Guilt. Why?"
"Because when Sam left the State Dinner early Josh was a little more concerned about the fact that he had lost his lift home, rather than being concerned about why."
"Ah."
"Do you think Leo should know?"
"I think Sam should tell him when he's good and ready." C.J. said firmly, surprised at the uncertainty in the usually brusque and decisive Communications Director's voice.
"I think that too, but I think that Leo needs to know. I'm not even sure that Sam should be here now. You saw him a minute ago."
"I did."
"That's not like Sam, C.J. and if we don't keep an eye on him he's just going to keep going and going until he can possibly go no more. He won't admit if he can't cope and God knows with his stubborn thing and his idiotic pride that he won't ask for help. I think Leo needs to know even if we tell him to pretend he doesn't."
"Call him." C.J. said decisively, she had decided for the two of them.
"You think?"
"Yes." C.J. said with only a moment's hesitation. "Yes." She said, only more decisively this time. Toby picked up his phone and put through his call to the Chief of Staff's office.
"Margaret, it's Toby. Is he free?" Toby waited a moment and then began speaking again. Leo had obviously picked up the call.
"Whaddaya want, Toby? Don't you have something you should be doing?"
"I just need to tell you something quickly. C.J.'s with me, she agrees you need to know."
"What?"
"Well, we just thought that you should know, just for you information not that there's any problem or anything..."
"Toby, give me the phone." C.J. demanded, taking it from the floundering speechwriter.
"What is it, C.J.?"
"Sam's girlfriend is sick. She has Leukaemia. They found out a couple days ago and he's only just told us. Josh is in with him now. He's trying to get him to, you know, get his head straight."
"He'll be O.K.?"
"I think so."
"Poor kid. When does she start treatment?"
"She doesn't. The prognosis is poor, it's a consequence of a cancer she had when she was younger. She's decided to waive it. She decided without talking to Sam, he didn't know. The whole thing has overwhelmed him, I think."
"O.K. I'm gonna tell the President 'cos I think he needs to know before he opens his mouth and puts his foot in something he'd rather not."
"O.K."
"Thanks for telling me. Seriously, is he gonna be O.K. for the meetings?"
"We'll keep our eye on him." C.J. assured him.
"Good."
"He's in with Josh?"
"Yeah."
"O.K." the phones went down.
"Done?" asked Toby,
"Yeah. He was pleased we told him. He's going to tell the President just to save him from saying something that could, you know..."
"Yeah."
X X X
Sam slackened his grip on Josh, so Josh began to pull away though always ensuring that he maintained physical contact with his friend. He wanted Sam to know he was there for him; whether it was a hand on Sam's shoulder or some other comforting gesture.
"You O.K. Sam?"
"Yeah." He choked out. His face was red and he looked even more tired, while at the same time he looked a little more at peace. Josh reached for the box of Kleenex that was on Sam's desk and offered it to his friend. Sam nodded his gratitude as he took a couple out of the box and used them to blow his nose and wipe his face.
"Do you want a glass of water? It might help."
"No. Thank you. I ought to get to my meeting."
"The little green men?"
"Have you been talking to Toby?" Sam asked.
"Nah." Josh grinned.
"It seemed kind of surreal, you know. Being told that. And we were so happy when we first started seeing each other."
"You want to leave her?"
"No. Definitely not, no. It was just...before we were young and in love, we didn't have to worry about anything and now things have changed. The past couple weeks since Lex got sick, we had to grow up. There was always tomorrow and we had a simple love that had no complications. Now things have changed, I feel older; I feel like my parents and I'm not sure I like it. We had the best summer together; the 4th of July was something I'll never forget; things were so simple then. I thought we'd have time to grow up together when we were ready, not now. Not because we had no other choice...Sorry, Josh. I gotta get on."
"You sure you're gonna be O.K.?"
"I'll be fine Josh. I need to get these meetings done." Sam stood up to leave and Josh made to follow him. Sam thought he would follow him to the Roosevelt room, but was surprised when he turned and saw Josh as he ducked into Toby's office under some pretence or another.
"I've just got to check in with him about a couple of points before I go." Josh said. He put his hand onto Sam's shoulder again and gave it a friendly squeeze; "Go do good, Sam." And Sam left Josh.
Josh entered Toby's office where he and C.J. were sitting talking quietly with one another.
"Is he O.K.?" Toby asked.
"I think it helped." Josh nodded. "He looked like he was going to throw up at one point but mercifully we didn't actually go there."
"We called Leo. We thought he should know." C.J. said.
"Thanks. I was gonna do that later." Josh said. "Hopefully he'll let the President know too. Sam doesn't need the President giving him the third degree on the state of his love life. He can't just answer placidly, not with something like this."
"You think it helped?"
"I do."
"Good." Toby concluded.