Bulbasaur: (yawns)
Jerry Springer: (yawns) (Charmander throws the switch.)
Charmander: Okay!
Bulbasaur: (waking up) Geez!
Squirtle: Ow!
Charmander: We're outta time.
Bulbasaur: Okay.
(Credits for "Brilliant Number Three - 44c" begin in Charmander's monitor)
Charmander: And...we're clear.
Bulbasaur: Well, that wasn't very good.
Jerry Springer: I'm sorry.
Bulbasaur: Oh no, it's all right. Really. You're just not very good.
Jerry Springer: (looks confused) No. I'm loving...
(The Williams Street bell from the credits can be heard in the background)
Jerry Springer: ...cuddly...
Squirtle: Ha-ha. You really nailed that one in.
Bulbasaur: Huh?
Charmander: Aren't there usually questions and answers, or am I just wrong about that?
Bulbasaur: I just keep thinking about last week's show. It had everything. Action, girls, kung-fu sex...
Squirtle: Eruptions from your mouth...
Bulbasaur: Shut up, turtle!
Squirtle: Pfft!
Bulbasaur: I'll spin your head off so fast it'll travel back in time!! (echoing) To a period when Pokemon wore suits and opened doors while saying "Thank you" and "Yes, please."
Squirtle: Um, I have no response to that.
(In the monitor, Jerry Springer is making a goofy face)
Bulbasaur: It's like working with children, Jerry.
Jerry Springer: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: Blue ones.
Jerry Springer: Well, are we surprised?
Squirtle: (laughs)
Bulbasaur: Now, listen up as I tell the tale of 15 sexy kung-fu minutes.
(As Bulbasaur echoes "Kung Fu," we flashback to him interviewing Giselle Arion from the Pokemon episode "The School of Hard Knocks.)
Giselle Arion: Did you create the show?
Bulbasaur: By "create," you mean write, produce, direct and star in?
Giselle Arion: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: Then, yes. I created it for you. For Christmas.
Giselle Arion: In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show.
Bulbasaur: Mmmmm. WILD fantasies.
Giselle Arion: You have a... I don't know, something about you.
Bulbasaur: Would you like to have some of my sex with me?
Giselle Arion: Oh boy, would I.
Bulbasaur: Let's go.
Squirtle: (voice-over) Okay, this is a complete lie!
Bulbasaur: (voice-over) Shut up, Squirtle! It isn't!
(Flashback ends)
Squirtle: She never woulda...
Bulbasaur: We'll check the tape! We'll check it right after the show, buddy!
Squirtle: Show's over, genius!
Jerry Springer: I wasn't told that this...is this a...?
Squirtle: And that's "jenius" with a "J"!
Jerry Springer: This is an ambush show!
Bulbasaur: Your life's about over!
Squirtle: Yeah, whatever.
Bulbasaur: It's about over unless you shut up!
Jerry Springer: I don't wanna be a guest on a talk show!
Squirtle: All right, but...
Bulbasaur: Say it! Say it again, monster!
Jerry Springer: I never wanted to be on!
Bulbasaur: Say what you just said!
Charmander: Yeah, say it!
Bulbasaur: SAY IT!!! (pounds desk)
Jerry Springer: Whoa!
Bulbasaur: "Whoa!" is what America's gonna be saying' when I spin his head off so fast, it'll travel back in time!
Squirtle: Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Bulbasaur: Oh, you want the time-travel spinning head!
Jerry Springer: Um...
Bulbasaur: Huh? Mister?
Jerry Springer: Wha...?
Bulbasaur: Time?
Jerry Springer: What does that mean?
Squirtle: He doesn't know!
Bulbasaur: It means there was a time when Pokemon was obedient to man. This clearly isn't that time!
Squirtle: Nope.
Bulbasaur: Now, where was I, Jerry?
Jerry Springer: (sighs) I don't know, but we were kind of--
Bulbasaur: Ah, yes. The sex.
Jerry Springer: Of course.
(Flashback resumes)
Bulbasaur: As I moved in to enjoy the sex, terror rained down from the sky...
(A ceiling tile hits Bulbasaur in the head)
Giselle Arion: (laughing) Oh my gosh.
Bulbasaur: Are...there...any bones...sticking out?
Giselle Arion: Um, I can't tell. You're hidden by a desk.
Bulbasaur: (voice-over) I was pinned. To the earth.
Squirtle: (voice-over) Pfft! By a freakin' ceiling tile.
(Flashback ends)
Bulbasaur: Don't! Don't, Don't, Don't!
Squirtle: (laughs)
Bulbasaur: This was no ordinary ceiling tile, Jerry.
Jerry Springer: Okay.
Bulbasaur: This was The C. Ling Tile!
(Flashback resumes. A ceiling tile with two sprinklers and an air vent walks up to Bulbasaur, who is still lying on the floor.)
C. Ling Tile: So, Saur. We meet again.
Bulbasaur: C. Ling!
C. Ling Tile: That's right. I'm back.
Bulbasaur: The pleasure is mine.
C. Ling Tile: No, no, no. Correction: The pleasure is all for me! (He starts spraying water on Bulbasaur's head) Sprinkler! Sprinkler!
Bulbasaur: No!
C. Ling Tile: Ho-HO!
Bulbasaur: Tap water!
C. Ling Tile: (laughs) Now I will freeze you! At 60 degrees! Cool air vent! Go! (starts blowing air on Bulbasaur)
Bulbasaur: Agh!
C. Ling Tile: Go together!
Bulbasaur: He's lowering the temperature of my body!
C. Ling Tile: Oh-ho-ho!
Bulbasaur: Squirtle! Contact Facilities!
C. Ling Tile: You... (bangs Bulbasaur on the head)...deal with it!
Bulbasaur: Son of a...
C. Ling Tile: Ha ha ha!
Bulbasaur: Time to hang, Tile!
C. Ling Tile: Asbestos powder! (Start spraying powder in Bulbasaur's face)
Bulbasaur: Agh!
C. Ling Tile: Get up! Get up and face the powder!
Bulbasaur: No!
C. Ling Tile: (sniffs) Mmmm! Mmmmm! Suck it in, Saur! And prepare to die!
Bulbasaur: Not while I'm alive! Medical school! (Bulbasaur summons a glowing ball of energy)
C. Ling Tile: Hey! Stop!
Charmander: Bulbasaur has mastered the five magic's!
Bulbasaur: May cause drowsiness!
C. Ling Tile: No!
Bulbasaur: From your coffin!
C. Ling Tile: You don't have to throw that!
Bulbasaur: Because you're dead! (Bulbasaur throws the ball, causing C. Ling Tile to burst into flames)
C. Ling Tile: Hey! That hurts! No!
Bulbasaur: Well, it looks like C. Ling will fit in perfectly...on the roof...in jail!
Squirtle: He sure will, Bulbasaur!
Bulbasaur: Charmander, that's one tile that needs to be replaced!
Squirtle: It sure does, Bulbasaur!
Bulbasaur: Shut up, Squirtle!
Squirtle: (blink) (blink)
Bulbasaur: You make me sick.
Squirtle: I do, don't I?
(All laugh)
Bulbasaur: Now, don't we have some sex to take care of?
Giselle Arion: (laughing) Yes.
(All laugh again as the flashback ends)
Bulbasaur: That's how I defeated C. Ling and then, of course, did sex. (pause) It was all action, Jerry. Magic and action.
Jerry Springer: Unbelievable.
Bulbasaur: And yet, very true. And yet, very true.
Charmander: You're insane! You never even took your clothes off!
Bulbasaur: Of course I didn't! It was sex!
Charmander: That's some kind of sex!
Bulbasaur: Charmander, I will spin your head so fast it'll collect its own atmosphere...with gravity.
Charmander: What?
Bulbasaur: And you'll be dead!
Charmander: Why?
Bulbasaur: Because you weren't alive back then.
Squirtle: Well, that ain't how I remember it - AT ALL!
Bulbasaur: What was that? Oh, the lying machine just turned on!
Jerry Springer: Uh, tell me your story.
Squirtle: First off, I was lookin' real good.
Bulbasaur: Oh, here we go.
(Flashback to Squirtle with a big black Gene Simmons-like wig and sideburns)
Squirtle: (voice-over) Anyway, Bulbasaur was droning on and on about he packs for trips...
Bulbasaur: ...pairs of underwear. And I always bring one entire knapsack full of soap.
Giselle Arion: Um, and you are?
Bulbasaur: Bulbasaur.
Giselle Arion: (laughing) Right. Uh, is the show's name "Pokemon Coast to Coast" or is it just "Pokemon"?
Bulbasaur: Uh, I don't know. Hey! Want to see how high I can jump?
Giselle Arion: Hmm...
Bulbasaur: I can jump high! I can go real high!
Giselle Arion: (laughing) No, I thought maybe you were joking.
Bulbasaur: Okay! Here goes! (takes off) Weeeeeeeee!!! (Giselle hides her face in her hands as Bulbasaur bounces around the studio)
Squirtle: (voice-over) That went on for....EVER! Luckily, Boston came by and picked me up.
(We cut to outside PPI, where a spaceship with the Boston logo hovers to beam Squirtle up. "Cool the Engines" starts playing in the background)
Bulbasaur: (voice-over) Oh bull!
Squirtle: They said they needed a keyboardist and I said, "I'm your man…or something!"
(Squirtle gets beamed up to Boston's space ship)
Bulbasaur: Aggh...
Squirtle: So long, suckers! (The Boston ship blasts off going at least Mach 4 in a blast of stars) And off we went!
Bulbasaur: (singing) That's a lie!
Squirtle: They had this really cool ship! There was this whole freakin' city on a flying' UFO guitar, powered by rock 'n' roll!
Bulbasaur: LIE!
Squirtle: Boston rocks!
Bulbasaur: And where did your friends, Boston, take you?
Squirtle: They were on their way to populate a new world where everyone would just rock forever!
Bulbasaur: That a LIE!!!
Squirtle: All right! Who wants to ROCK?! There was not a life form we didn't rock. (The Boston ship streaks across the horizons of several planets where various creatures "rock out" to their irresistible heavy Boston sound) Is everybody ready to rock?! Yeah! Play some guitar!! Catch it! Man and mantis, rocking side-by-side. (They fly over more terrine.) We're gonna rock your face! Ow! Who's ready to ROCK 'N' ROLL?!? Me and Boston: just like that. We rocked everyone we met. Oh god, it was beautiful. And when they were all rocked out, they dropped me off at home. THANKS, BOSTON! THAT ROCKED!! HEY BOSTON! KEEP ON ROCKIN'!! (The Boston ship departs after dropping Squirtle off) Those guys know how to rock.
(Bulbasaur is still bouncing around the studio)
Bulbasaur: Like G.I. Joe! With his pants blown off! In the war! Aggh! Incoming! (Bulbasaur lands head-first behind his desk)
Giselle Arion: (laughing)
Bulbasaur: See that? I touched the ceiling!
(A ceiling tile hits Bulbasaur in the head)
Squirtle: And that's when you started cryin' for Momma!
Bulbasaur: (crying) Mom-maaaaaa!!! (voice-over) I wasn't saying "Momma," I was saying, "Trauma." Like the kind I was about to dish out. (Flashback ends) I was announcing it. Before-hand.
Squirtle: To your Momma.
Bulbasaur: Besides, if I cried, it was because of kung-fu lasers...and starvation. (Pause)
Jerry Springer: Why don't you explain that?
Squirtle: Yeah, explain it.
Bulbasaur: THIS IS ALL A DAMN LIE!
Jerry Springer: Um...
Bulbasaur: Don't listen to him, Jerry! I'll blow your brains clear into that river bank, Squirtle.
Squirtle: Yeah, sure you will. (drinks from his coffee mug)
Jerry Springer: But you were friends. Why would you do that?
Bulbasaur: Why are you always trying to get ahead of me, turtle?
Charmander: You're all lying'!
Jerry Springer: Oh. Charmander!
Bulbasaur: That's right, Jerry. Charmander.
(Flashback starts)
Charmander: First of all, I had the beautiful rock hair. (Charmander has the long, Gene Simmons hair with a black-and-white striped loverboy head-band. She reads a book) Bulbasaur was in the thing, talking to... someone.
(Cut to the set, where the guest monitor shows a toy monkey playing the cymbals. The ceiling tile falls in slow motion.)
Bulbasaur: (in slow motion) Oh no!
(Charmander switches the screen to various static-filled screens and test patterns)
Charmander: I had everything under control, as usual. When all of the sudden...
Voice: (whispering) Psst! Hey buddy!
Charmander: Who said that?
Voice: Me.
(A red sports car pulls up to Charmander and crashed into the control console)
Charmander: Where's the driver?
Car: I'm a talking car.
Charmander: Why are you here?
Car: Why is anyone here?
(The car backs out of the control room)
Charmander: Whoa. (Flashback ends) And that was when I decided I just need to spend a lot more time in church.
(The group stares silently)
Bulbasaur: A talking car. Really.
Charmander: No, you know what? I told it wrong. I had hurted my lungs, that's what it was. And I was in the process of gluing them back together. So there I am... (Flashback resumes) ...and I start hearing this scary piano music. (scary piano music in background) So I turn around and there's this guy standing there. (A clown is standing behind Charmander. He's holding a sharp object.) And he's wearing this mask, and I'm like, "What's up with that?" And he's got this knife, and he just starts coming at me, and the knife's like going, "Drrrvvv! Drrrvvvv! Drrrrvv!"
(Flashback ends)
Squirtle: You mean, uh, Michael Myers?
Charmander: Oh, you know him? 'Cause he was coming right at me.
Squirtle: Yeah. He's in this movie - "HALLOWEEN!" The one I loaned to you A YEAR AGO! MY movie, remember?!
Charmander: Okay, all right, okay. So maybe it was a movie. I guess I was watching it with some of my friends.
Squirtle: Pfft!
Charmander: I don't know if you know 'em. They're the rock band Boston?
Bulbasaur: I don't know them.
Squirtle: She doesn't know 'em. Look at her face! She's lying'!
Charmander: I'm not lying'!
Jerry Springer: Oh gosh.
Charmander: Truth is relative, Squirtle!
Squirtle: Especially when you're lying'!
Jerry Springer: Um...
Charmander: The trueness of one's truth, Squirtle, is clearly based on their vernacular inaccuracies.
Squirtle: What?
Jerry Springer: Um...
Bulbasaur: Yes, Squirtle. Everyone knows that to be true. And you're dumb for not knowing that.
Squirtle: What?
Jerry Springer: I have to be going soon.
Bulbasaur: (chuckles) As Charmander clearly said, the vascular...
Squirtle: Say it.
Bulbasaur: You know if you couldn't understand the first time, I shouldn't have to waste my mouth saying it again.
Jerry Springer: It's not like I have another job or...
Squirtle: Saying what again?
Charmander: Yeah, what are you saying?
Bulbasaur: What I'm saying...
Charmander: That's not what I said.
Bulbasaur: What I'm saying...
Charmander: Bee-otch!
Bulbasaur: What I'm saying is... saying things are not relative.
Jerry Springer: This can't be during your sweeps.
Bulbasaur: And that, my friends, is the only truth.
Jerry Springer: Is there an end to any of this?
Bulbasaur: The other truth... is that I totally did sex with that girl.
Jerry Springer: Okay.
Bulbasaur: Because I did.
Jerry Springer: Good.
Bulbasaur: I completely dodily-did.
Jerry Springer: Yes!
Bulbasaur: Yes, I think you can say the two of us did that activity.
Charmander: Oh, and Squirtle?
Bulbasaur: There was a performance...
Charmander: I totally hung out with Boston.
(In the guest monitor, Jerry Springer has gotten out of his chair)
Bulbasaur: ...at the theater, if you catch my drift.
Jerry Springer: (into his lapel mic) Hey thanks, guys!
(Bulbasaur continues under the credits)
Bulbasaur: And we worked it from the balcony to below.
Jerry Springer: Nice talking with you. Bye-bye.
C. Ling Tile: Ho-HO!
Thanks for reading! If I get 8 or more reviews, I'll spill the beans for the Weird Answer Kommard, plus several ideas I have, so R&R!