Rainbow's End: 'No More' 8/11
NO MORE
14th November
Mrs. Bartlet returned Sam to Toby's office once he had calmed down. The crying session had spent all his energy and he welcomed the prospect of curling up on Toby's couch, sinking deep into the cushions and submitting himself to the demands of his exhausted body.
X X X
"What happened Toby?" The President was keen to know why his Senior Staff had essentially stormed his office and at least four of the people in the room, filled with Leo, Toby, Josh, C.J. and himself, had no idea what was going on. The President's finely honed intuitiveness took his attention to Toby, who had not stopped fidgeting and fiddling. At present he was obsessively straightening the line of his tie by running his hand up and down it; then he would adjust the knot and fiddle with that. The President's intuition being of such a high calibre, and boy did he like to remind people about that, suspected it was at the Communications Director's bidding that they were all there, waiting in anticipation.
"I just got a phone call. About the thing."
"What about it Toby?" The President was a little displeased at having to drag out all the information from Toby, usually the most forthright member of his Staff; it meant something that Toby was less erudite than usual.
"He knew."
"I'm sorry, who did?" Josh asked. Everybody seemed to be talking in riddles and he was left hoping that he was not the only one who was not successfully following the conversation.
"Delacroix. He knew all about it."
"He said he didn't, Toby. I don't see how you can state anything to the contrary. We may not like him that much but he is the President of France," Leo said.
"I know, Leo. The call I had. The guy was in the room when the President gave the 'go' order."
"You're kidding me?" The President asked. "Toby, you have absolutely got to be kidding me?"
"I am not, Mr. President."
"Perhaps you should get Toby recruiting for the CIA," suggested Josh.
"Perhaps you ought to go see him for a job," Leo suggested back.
"I already have a job...wait! This is one of those things where I won't have a job if I don't let Toby talk, right?"
"You got it." Leo said.
"Who told you Toby? Are they reliable?"
"Yes Sir. I'd stake my life on it." The President nodded sagely. He trusted Toby's judgement; it was second only to his own.
"This is definite?"
"It is."
"Well, this is...this is quite something. Good work, Toby."
"The guy came to me, Sir."
"Does he need protection?"
"I don't know. I don't think he does nor does he."
"You can contact him?"
"I have a cell number."
"Good. You know what this means? This means I have a solid case." The President was beginning to get excited.
"Yes Sir."
"C.J., retract what you've already released to the Press. You'll look stupid but I don't mind that so much. Toby, I want a memo from you covering everything you've just told me and I want it yesterday!" A question flicked through the President's mind. "Did Sam go see my wife?"
"C.J. took him, Sir."
"Good. Thank you Claudia Jean." The President turned his attention to his Chief of Staff. "Leo, can you tell Charlie that I'm ready to make the call."
"Yes Sir." Leo went and the others were set to follow, having been dismissed.
"That was a good catch, Toby. I think that you were right to want to be aggressive; especially now we have this new information."
"Thank you, Sir." The Senior Staff left the Oval Office.
"How did you find that out, Toby?" asked Josh. "Who told you?"
"Not here. Come back to my office." Toby said and the other two, keen to know about Toby's field trip, followed, a million questions in each of their heads. He saw Ginger as they entered the Bullpen. "Is he back?"
"Mrs. Bartlet delivered him safe and sound about five minutes ago. He looked as if he'd been crying."
"Crap." Toby said quietly.
"He was very tired. I think that he's asleep now."
"Okay, thank you, Ginger." He turned to C.J. and Josh. "We'll do this in Sam's office." He opened the door to his Deputy's office and led the others in.
"Who was it, Toby? Who told you? Why'd they call you?"
"It was my friend that called."
"Your friend?" C.J. looked confused.
"Your French friend?" Josh asked confused.
"No Josh, my friend from Outer Mongolia, because I've always found that the French never mind him sitting through their weapons briefings."
"Is this the guy that was in jail in Indonesia."
"It is."
"The one we tried to bust out."
"Yes, the one who's release we negotiated with no success."
"When the guy was pissed 'cos he didn't like the toast you'd written and Sam told me he told you that you should be nicer."
"Guys? You do know that I have no idea what you're talking about and Joshua over here, talking gibberish is doing nothing to help my comprehension of the situation." C.J. said.
"Okay at the State Dinner last year with Indonesia..."
"During hurricane Sarah?"
"Yes, well..."
"And the truckers?"
"Yes, but anyway..."
"And the thing in Idaho."
"C.J.!" Toby growled.
"Sorry, I just like to be clear."
"You're clear now though, right?" Asked Toby, the tone of his voice almost daring C.J. to say something to the contrary, she bit the bullet and remained quiet.
"I am."
"At the State Dinner we met with a guy from Indonesia, Rahmadi Sumahidji Bambang, about releasing my friend. He had been put into prison for teaching the students in Indonesia how to protest. Anyway, the guy was less than helpful and in the end I had to petition through the French, who in actual fact couldn't give a damn. Anyway, he was eventually released and now works alongside the French government."
"And he heard the order?"
"C.J., it was his job to hear the order. I mean, he didn't have to carry it out at all, he just heard it in the course of his day at work. Anyway, he felt that he owed me a favour."
"For busting him out?"
"For helping along his release, yes. Anyway, he wanted to help and he knew...he wanted to help."
"And this guy's straight up? There's gonna be no come back?"
"There can't be. Delacroix can't deny it, there were other people in the room who could testify to the same thing and if he does take direct action it's as good as an admission of guilt."
"That really is great, Toby." Said Josh, grinning a broadly. There was something else that was playing on his mind, though and Toby could see the question that was on his lips as he tried to restrain himself from asking it.
"Do you want to go see Sam?" Toby asked, his usually brusque manner now sympathetic.
C.J. smiled to herself. She had noticed changes in their once prickly Communications Director, she could see that the thaw had started and the people alongside whom he was working had begun to penetrate. His tone had become increasingly warm, his manner a little more open and now he was more ready to listen and if at all possible to help and to understand more readily. He would now make time for things; for people. He may employ a façade of disdain and pretence that he really could care less about most things but the growing feelings inside of him were genuine.
They were seeing Toby melt; they saw him organise the funeral for the homeless war veteran, he was the one that had found Josh at Rosslyn and had held him in his arms while they waited for help. His wanting to take responsibility and the consequences that went alongside cancelling the canopy at Rosslyn. He talks to C.J. about her father, something she doesn't talk to the others about. He listened to Sam's rants and they became Batman and Robin, even standing up for him when the picture with Laurie was released. The times he had helped Sam get over his writer's block, be it on an important initiative or something so simple as a birthday message. It was small things too, ordering lunch for Sam on Air Force One, not wanting his Deputy to skip a meal. Then there were the things that they would never know about, private moments that Toby would never share with them: how he longed to be a father and had done all manner of things to try to help Andi conceive including the numerous trips to the fertility clinics at the convenience of her reproductive system, the time he had wished the guy at the war memorial a Merry Christmas, the talk he had had with Justice Mendoza in a jail cell in Wesley, Connecticut, the tears he had shed in the Oval Office after the shooting when there was only him and the President.
They had all broken his defences and she knew that would be much to his consternation, particularly because at times he even seemed human.
They quietly went into the office next door so as not to disturb their sleeping young friend. He lay peacefully on the sofa breathing deeply. His face was still red and blotchy from his crying and it was easily recognisable as such but for the first time in a while his face looked relaxed; it was not screwed up with tension or a headache or any of the stresses he faced. They would not begrudge him what he needed the most, though it did not stop the three of them from standing over him, looking at him affectionately.
"Oh. Doesn't he look so sweet?" asked C.J. biting her bottom lip, looking at Sam as a mother would a newborn child.
"You do realise that he's an adult, right, C.J.?" asked Josh.
"That I do, Josh. But wouldn't it be nice if he could just be a kid for a bit longer." Toby nodded his agreement. C.J. was right; they all knew that Sam had been forced to grow up quickly, none more painfully so than Toby, who had been Sam's confidant for that particular discussion.
Sam began to stir in his sleep; he had been disturbed by the presence of the others in the room. He had felt them, sensed them and knew that they were near.
"Hey, Spanky."
"C.J.," Sam croaked. "Damn, I think I'm losing my voice."
"I've been waiting for this day to come for the past...however long we've been working together." Sam smiled ruefully as his eyes made contact with Toby's, then he closed them wearily.
"How're you doing, Sam?" asked Josh.
"Okay, I guess."
"You're still feeling bad?"
"Yeah."
"You need anything?" Josh asked, his brow furrowing in concern. It was very unlike Sam to just lie down while the others were in the room, never mind deigning to hold a conversation with them with his eyes shut.
"No."
"You're stopping with me tonight." Josh instructed. "I'm taking you home now."
"No."
"What?"
"I've been thinking. I've had some time and I've been thinking."
"Sounds dangerous, Spanky."
"Could you do me a favour, please?" Sam asked, having difficulty keeping a firm grip on his voice.
"Name it," Said Josh.
"Do you think you could call Lex for me?"
"Sure. I'll tell her you're not well and you're stopping with me."
"No, Josh. I've sorted out a place to stay. I want you to call her and tell her that I'm away for work. I don't want her to worry."
"Okay," Josh was unsure whether or not he should do this but he did not have the heart to not do what his friend wanted.
"Thank you."
"Can I use your office?"
"Sure. And can you do me another favour?"
"What more could you possibly want, Sam?" asked Josh.
"Can you keep your eye on her for me? I mean, I can't keep going round to check on her if I'm supposed to be somewhere else."
"You think? Of course I will, Sam. Only thing remaining is: where would you like to go?"
"Send me to Florida. I fancy some of the Miami sunshine."
"Bismarck, North Dakota it is," Josh grinned. "I'll go make the call."
"Thank you, Josh. I appreciate you doing this."
"It's fine, Sam." Josh left the room and went into Sam's office to make the call.
"You said you've got somewhere to stay, Sam?"
"Yeah. I made a couple calls when the First Lady bought me back up."
"You need a lift?"
"No. I'm good, Toby."
"Okay," Toby looked down at his pale deputy. "I hope you're going now. You look beat."
"You don't need me?"
"Seriously, Sam, what good are you gonna be like that?"
"Very little?" Sam guessed.
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"You positive you don't need a lift? Josh can take you if you do?"
"Can he?" asked Josh as he came back into the room.
"I have a memo to write, in case you'd forgotten!"
"Yeah. I mean, I can take you," Josh said.
"No. I'll be fine."
"Okay."
"Are you driving yourself?" Josh asked a little worried.
"Yes I am, and I will be fine." Sam replied as indignantly as he could, though his voice was scarcely able to maintain itself throughout.
"I'll walk you to your car." Josh volunteered.
So they left and Toby busied himself with the memo the President wanted later that day. C.J. stayed to help him but the most productive input she gave was thinking of lots of words that all mean the same thing.
Monday 17th November
Sam had had a miserable weekend. He'd had headaches, chills from his fever, he'd been tired and he had been sick. You name every flu-like symptom you could imagine; Sam had it. He was holed up in a hotel and did not intend to check out anytime soon. As he had lain there alone in the bed he had thought. He had thought more than he could ever remember thinking in his life.
When he returned to work on Monday he was quiet and very subdued. Now Toby could concentrate fully, the France thing waiting for the next move from the other side, he could see Sam had become increasingly despondent and had spent the weekend becoming particularly introverted.
Toby walked out into the Bullpen to see if there were any messages for him that needed to be dealt with. He stood and waited by Ginger's desk, waiting for her to finish on the phone.
"I'm afraid I can't tell you when he'll be back...he can't be reached on his cell. I think he's in meetings, right now...O.K. Sorry Alex." Ginger put down the phone.
"What was that?" Toby asked; he was very curious.
"Alexandra, ringing for Sam."
"Sam's in his office." Toby pointed out, stating what the two of them could see.
"I know that."
"Well, why did you say he wasn't here?" This was becoming very technical and confusing, even to the point of Toby resting his hand on his head while he rested the other on a hip.
"Because he asked me to say that if she called."
"Why?"
"I don't know. He just asked me to block calls from her. Perhaps he's still sick and doesn't want to go home until whatever it is he has, has totally cleared." Sam's weekend away was common knowledge amongst the Communications Staff.
"Hmmm, maybe," Toby said but he sounded unconvinced crossing both of his hands behind his head. He would leave it for now and go have a word with Josh.
Toby walked to Josh's Bullpen and as the door was open he went straight into the Deputy Chief of Staff's office. Josh was sitting sideways on to the door, working away on the computer.
"Josh, can I have a word?"
"Sure," Josh turned away from his computer and swivelled his chair to his place behind the desk.
"It's about Sam."
"Is he O.K.?" Josh leaned forward, his arms resting on the desk and his hands laced together.
"I was hoping you could tell me." Toby slipped into one of Josh's desk chairs, leaning back, legs crossed.
"What's wrong, Toby?"
"He's got the assistants intercepting his calls from Alex. He won't take them."
"Maybe he doesn't feel well enough to go home yet."
"That's what Ginger said."
"Well there you go." There was a pause in the conversation as Josh studied Toby's face. "You think there's something else?"
"Yeah, it's just a feeling."
"Give him time, Toby."
Monday 24th November
Sam had fully recovered from his bout of flu and seemed to have caught up on a lot of sleep as he was zapping about the West Wing as if nothing had ever happened. He had gone down for lunch in the Mess with Josh and Toby was enjoying the peace and quiet in the Bullpen, as it seemed all the assistants had decided to take the same opportunity to go to lunch at the same time, seeing as things were quiet. He heard a phone ringing, interrupting his concentration for writing the speech a President was going to give on the coming Thursday. He sighed, it was clear that there was no one out there to answer it so he went into the Bullpen to deal with it as quickly as possible.
He snatched it up quickly, annoyed at the inconvenience. He had just gotten into his flow and if he was honest, he was reluctant to stop.
"Hello?...Alexandra? It's Toby...What can I do for you?...Sam? What do you mean is he back yet?...From California?...he nev...Wait. Can I get back to you?...O.K. Bye." Toby slammed the phone down, "I'll kill him," he muttered, "I am absolutely going to kill him." Toby balled and slammed his fist down on Ginger's desk causing the objects that were on there to jump from their places.
He marched down to the Mess. He was going to have this conversation with Sam and he was going to have it now, whether Sam wanted it or not.
He walked down the stairs and as he got into the Mess proper he saw Sam and Josh sitting at a table together laughing quietly. C.J. was sitting at a table with her deputies, having an informal briefing-cum-pep talk.
Toby stalked up to Sam and Josh's table.
"I don't believe you Sam. I honest to God do not believe you!" Toby was seething.
"Toby?" Josh stood up with his hands out passively, trying to placate thr irate man.
"Sit down Josh," Toby instructed turning his attention to Sam. "How could you do that? I mean, how could you do that, Sam?"
"Sam?" Josh cocked his eyebrow at Sam who remained quiet despite the barrage that was coming at him from Toby, "What did he do?"
"He's not gone home."
"Of course he's not gone home. He's meant to be working." Josh was beginning to think that Toby was beginning to burn out from working too hard.
"No, Josh. He hasn't gone home, hasn't gone home to his partner, since he moved out the other week. You can't tell me that he's still sick. He's fine, he is perfectly fine. You can see it, I can see it, everybody in this damn room can see it." Toby's voice had peaked now and everyone in the room was looking at the three men. Josh looked amazed. Toby was glaring down at Sam, who was watching something on the table very closely. C.J. heard the furore; seeing the very public scene that Toby was creating, she went over to try and control the situation.
"Toby?" she asked as she approached the group of men. Toby either didn't hear or chose to ignore the Press Secretary as he continued berating Sam.
"I cannot believe that you actually did that."
"Shall we go talk about this somewhere a little more quiet?" C.J. suggested.
"Right here is good," Toby said, disregarding her totally. Toby did concede some however and sat down at the table, C.J. joining him. "Sam, how could you?" He asked more quietly.
"You don't know Toby. You can't understand. Everything that I've been through. Everything I've had to put up with. The long hours here, having to stay awake to play nurse at home. I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it."
"She still thinks you're in California, Sam. If you're gonna ditch her at least have the grace to tell her, don't just let her keep calling and then fobbing her off." This came out a little more bluntly than Toby had intended.
"I can't take this anymore, Toby. I want my life to be normal again. When you thought something was wrong with Andi don't tell me you didn't want to run, ever. Tell me that you weren't overwhelmed, that you never wanted to call it a day if the worst was going to happen." Toby was angry now but neither Josh nor C.J. knew why; Sam mentioning his relationship with Andi pushed buttons in Toby that was provoking an extreme reaction. "You would have found the fastest way out of the situation that was humanly possible."
"I would have stood by her Sam. I WOULD have been there for her. I would have stood by her." Toby bit back any further remarks he wanted to make and quickly exited the room, "Fix this Josh!" he spat back over his shoulder.
"I'll go after him," C.J. said drawing herself up, leaving Josh and Sam alone once more as she went after Toby.
She had never seen Toby react like that about anything before and that made her more than a little worried. As such, she left the Mess nearly as rapidly as the Communications Director.
"What are you doing Sam?" Josh asked, sadly shaking his head.
"It's reached the point where I just couldn't handle it any more. I'm sorry Josh."
"It's okay, man." Josh got up from his seat and moved to the empty chair on the other side of the table, next to Sam and put his hand on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't have done it, I know, but it seemed like such an easiest way...for me I mean. I was confused and scared and I didn't think about what she was feeling."
"You didn't think she wouldn't notice when you didn't come home?"
"I was stupid." Sam ducked his head down from the combination of shame and embarrassment, Josh tightened the grip he had on Sam's shoulder in response to the despondency of the younger man.
"You were, but Sam, what were you thinking?"
"I guess, it was...well it was like:
No more questions,
Please.
No more tests.
Comes the day you say
"What for?"
Please – no more. ...
No more riddles.
No more jests.
No more curses you can't undo,
Left by fathers you never knew.
No more quests.
No more feelings.
Time to shut the door.
Just – no more. ...
No more giants
Waging war.
Can't we just pursue our lives
With our children and our wives?
Till that happy day arrives,
How do you ignore
All the witches,
All the curses,
All the wolves, all the lies,
The false hopes, the goodbyes
The reverses,
All the wondering what even worse is
Still in store?
All the children...
All the giants...
No more.
[Excerpts from 'No More' from 'Into The Woods' by Stephen Sondheim, 1987].
"Do you understand?"
"I do. So does Toby, really. I don't know what it was you said that made him go like that," Josh waved his hands about expansively, "but something really got to him. I think you really upset him. I mean, what were you talking about anyway?"
"It doesn't matter. I should go apologise to him."
"Give him and C.J. a little while, O.K.? I can think of someone else you maybe ought to apologise to, though."
"Lex?" Sam suggested.
"Good guess."
"Okay. You'll cover me while I go round there?"
"I've covered for you when you've not been round there; I think I can manage this." Josh grinned. "Go put it right, Sam."
"Thanks, man." Sam rushed off while Josh finished his coffee.
X X X
C.J. found Toby back in his office. As she was entering the Bullpen she heard the door slam and knew she was taking her life into her hands yet she knew she ought to go to Toby, he would be there for her after all.
She knocked gently on the door and walked through. Toby was standing looking out the window, his hands crossed behind his head. She walked into the office and quietly closed the door behind her. She stood near the door and spoke tentatively to her friend, breaking the echoing silence in the small office.
"Toby?" Toby didn't turn around, though he moved his hands. He wrapped one tightly around him and put the other over his face. "Toby?" C.J. tried again, she walked up to him and turned him around to face her. She saw the look of heartbreak in his eyes; he had been betrayed. She guided him around the room to the sofa and sat him down taking a seat next to him. C.J. had known Toby for a long time but never had she seen him this hurt. What Sam had said to him had cut him to the core.
"I can't believe he said that, C.J." Toby said quietly and simply.
"I know." She really didn't but she needed Toby to trust her, to feel able to talk to her.
"I mean, I know I'm not the warmest person but I had hoped that he thought more of me than that, that he thought I was capable of such a thing...that I could be that cold...It cut me, you know. What he said hurt me; it really hurt."
"I know, Toby, but he didn't mean it."
"He thought it though. There must be some thing that planted the thought."
"He's under a lot of pressure Toby. It's too much for anyone to take in and deal with. I'm sure he didn't mean it."
"I know, but at that moment, he hurt me and he did it on purpose; it's not like Sam, I know...I love that kid, C.J., I mean I love you all and I know I don't show it, but I do. I love you and Josh and I love Sam and I love you all more than I ever thought I could love or trust anyone, and C.J., if you tell the others that I swear to God that I am going to deny all knowledge of this conversation." She smiled warmly.
She knew how much that admission had cost Toby and she could see that he too had been under pressure of late. He had been shouldering a lot of Sam's work as well as his own, not to mention he had been the main fielder on the France issue. She also knew that he had been worried about Sam; about how he was handling the whole thing, whether he got enough rest, whether he was taking proper care of himself, making sure that Sam could come and go if he needed time and he always made sure he was free if Sam ever wanted to talk, no matter how deep or inconsequential the topic.
They had all tried to help Sam and had all been concerned about him but it was always Toby who ended up staying after hours, living on coffee; sometimes even sleeping on the couch in his office. When he had gotten home it had been late and he had always been in for a very early start the next morning, leaving him little time to draw breath, let alone sleep.
It was now Toby's turn to be pushing the bounds of exhaustion, something he had successfully managed to keep at bay for so long; but Sam's betrayal had been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, so C.J. decided that she would do some counselling of her own.
He thought the others didn't know about his extra hours, the extra worry; he always looked harried and he assumed that they would just think it was normal. While it is true that Leo and Josh hadn't noticed, their minds both elsewhere, C.J. had. Though she knew Toby best of all them, she was afraid to talk to him, afraid to comfort him and help him; afraid that Toby wasn't as strong and impenetrable as they all relied on him to be.
"What was he talking about Toby, about you and Andi?" Toby sighed. He figured C.J. had heard one half of the story; she wasn't stupid and she could put two and two together to make four, so he told her. He told her about the lump Andi had found on her breast, the wait for the tests and the wait for the results. He told her about how lonely he felt, how he had been unable to talk to anybody about it and how he had cried when he had been alone in his office or shut in their bathroom. C.J. was shocked; she could never imagine Toby being so completely affected, so deeply immersed that he would shut himself away and cry. She knew he got frustrated at times but she had never expected to hear a story like that coming from their Toby Ziegler. "I'm sorry Toby. I never knew."
"Of course you didn't," he shrugged. "I told him because I thought it might make Sam feel less alone than I did; that there are people here who care for him and that we do understand." C.J. smiled, "What?" Toby was glaring a bit now.
"You really are very sweet sometimes, you know. That was just about the saddest story I ever heard," she drawled. "Come here and give me a hug." To her surprise, he did. As friends do, C.J. offered Toby all the support she could give and for once Toby accepted it gratefully.
Neither heard the soft knock and the door opening. Nor did they know that anyone else was in the room until the new arrival cleared his throat.
C.J. and Toby pulled away from their hug but C.J kept a firm grip of Toby's hand so that he knew that she was there for him and that she understood, as they turned their attention to Josh.
"Sorry," Josh looked embarrassed, "Sam's going round to see Lex."
"Good," said Toby, quietly.
"He didn't mean what he said, you know. Everything's got a bit too much for him."
Josh stayed hovering near the door. He did not want not cross any invisible line of demarcation and he was plainly uncomfortable. Perhaps even more so, C.J. thought, than when he was being grilled in the Press Room about the President's secret plan to fight inflation.
"I understand, Josh. Hard as it is to believe, I really do. Now if you're gonna stay in here sit your ass down somewhere, 'cos your hovering's really starting to bother me."
Josh obliged.
NO MORE
14th November
Mrs. Bartlet returned Sam to Toby's office once he had calmed down. The crying session had spent all his energy and he welcomed the prospect of curling up on Toby's couch, sinking deep into the cushions and submitting himself to the demands of his exhausted body.
X X X
"What happened Toby?" The President was keen to know why his Senior Staff had essentially stormed his office and at least four of the people in the room, filled with Leo, Toby, Josh, C.J. and himself, had no idea what was going on. The President's finely honed intuitiveness took his attention to Toby, who had not stopped fidgeting and fiddling. At present he was obsessively straightening the line of his tie by running his hand up and down it; then he would adjust the knot and fiddle with that. The President's intuition being of such a high calibre, and boy did he like to remind people about that, suspected it was at the Communications Director's bidding that they were all there, waiting in anticipation.
"I just got a phone call. About the thing."
"What about it Toby?" The President was a little displeased at having to drag out all the information from Toby, usually the most forthright member of his Staff; it meant something that Toby was less erudite than usual.
"He knew."
"I'm sorry, who did?" Josh asked. Everybody seemed to be talking in riddles and he was left hoping that he was not the only one who was not successfully following the conversation.
"Delacroix. He knew all about it."
"He said he didn't, Toby. I don't see how you can state anything to the contrary. We may not like him that much but he is the President of France," Leo said.
"I know, Leo. The call I had. The guy was in the room when the President gave the 'go' order."
"You're kidding me?" The President asked. "Toby, you have absolutely got to be kidding me?"
"I am not, Mr. President."
"Perhaps you should get Toby recruiting for the CIA," suggested Josh.
"Perhaps you ought to go see him for a job," Leo suggested back.
"I already have a job...wait! This is one of those things where I won't have a job if I don't let Toby talk, right?"
"You got it." Leo said.
"Who told you Toby? Are they reliable?"
"Yes Sir. I'd stake my life on it." The President nodded sagely. He trusted Toby's judgement; it was second only to his own.
"This is definite?"
"It is."
"Well, this is...this is quite something. Good work, Toby."
"The guy came to me, Sir."
"Does he need protection?"
"I don't know. I don't think he does nor does he."
"You can contact him?"
"I have a cell number."
"Good. You know what this means? This means I have a solid case." The President was beginning to get excited.
"Yes Sir."
"C.J., retract what you've already released to the Press. You'll look stupid but I don't mind that so much. Toby, I want a memo from you covering everything you've just told me and I want it yesterday!" A question flicked through the President's mind. "Did Sam go see my wife?"
"C.J. took him, Sir."
"Good. Thank you Claudia Jean." The President turned his attention to his Chief of Staff. "Leo, can you tell Charlie that I'm ready to make the call."
"Yes Sir." Leo went and the others were set to follow, having been dismissed.
"That was a good catch, Toby. I think that you were right to want to be aggressive; especially now we have this new information."
"Thank you, Sir." The Senior Staff left the Oval Office.
"How did you find that out, Toby?" asked Josh. "Who told you?"
"Not here. Come back to my office." Toby said and the other two, keen to know about Toby's field trip, followed, a million questions in each of their heads. He saw Ginger as they entered the Bullpen. "Is he back?"
"Mrs. Bartlet delivered him safe and sound about five minutes ago. He looked as if he'd been crying."
"Crap." Toby said quietly.
"He was very tired. I think that he's asleep now."
"Okay, thank you, Ginger." He turned to C.J. and Josh. "We'll do this in Sam's office." He opened the door to his Deputy's office and led the others in.
"Who was it, Toby? Who told you? Why'd they call you?"
"It was my friend that called."
"Your friend?" C.J. looked confused.
"Your French friend?" Josh asked confused.
"No Josh, my friend from Outer Mongolia, because I've always found that the French never mind him sitting through their weapons briefings."
"Is this the guy that was in jail in Indonesia."
"It is."
"The one we tried to bust out."
"Yes, the one who's release we negotiated with no success."
"When the guy was pissed 'cos he didn't like the toast you'd written and Sam told me he told you that you should be nicer."
"Guys? You do know that I have no idea what you're talking about and Joshua over here, talking gibberish is doing nothing to help my comprehension of the situation." C.J. said.
"Okay at the State Dinner last year with Indonesia..."
"During hurricane Sarah?"
"Yes, well..."
"And the truckers?"
"Yes, but anyway..."
"And the thing in Idaho."
"C.J.!" Toby growled.
"Sorry, I just like to be clear."
"You're clear now though, right?" Asked Toby, the tone of his voice almost daring C.J. to say something to the contrary, she bit the bullet and remained quiet.
"I am."
"At the State Dinner we met with a guy from Indonesia, Rahmadi Sumahidji Bambang, about releasing my friend. He had been put into prison for teaching the students in Indonesia how to protest. Anyway, the guy was less than helpful and in the end I had to petition through the French, who in actual fact couldn't give a damn. Anyway, he was eventually released and now works alongside the French government."
"And he heard the order?"
"C.J., it was his job to hear the order. I mean, he didn't have to carry it out at all, he just heard it in the course of his day at work. Anyway, he felt that he owed me a favour."
"For busting him out?"
"For helping along his release, yes. Anyway, he wanted to help and he knew...he wanted to help."
"And this guy's straight up? There's gonna be no come back?"
"There can't be. Delacroix can't deny it, there were other people in the room who could testify to the same thing and if he does take direct action it's as good as an admission of guilt."
"That really is great, Toby." Said Josh, grinning a broadly. There was something else that was playing on his mind, though and Toby could see the question that was on his lips as he tried to restrain himself from asking it.
"Do you want to go see Sam?" Toby asked, his usually brusque manner now sympathetic.
C.J. smiled to herself. She had noticed changes in their once prickly Communications Director, she could see that the thaw had started and the people alongside whom he was working had begun to penetrate. His tone had become increasingly warm, his manner a little more open and now he was more ready to listen and if at all possible to help and to understand more readily. He would now make time for things; for people. He may employ a façade of disdain and pretence that he really could care less about most things but the growing feelings inside of him were genuine.
They were seeing Toby melt; they saw him organise the funeral for the homeless war veteran, he was the one that had found Josh at Rosslyn and had held him in his arms while they waited for help. His wanting to take responsibility and the consequences that went alongside cancelling the canopy at Rosslyn. He talks to C.J. about her father, something she doesn't talk to the others about. He listened to Sam's rants and they became Batman and Robin, even standing up for him when the picture with Laurie was released. The times he had helped Sam get over his writer's block, be it on an important initiative or something so simple as a birthday message. It was small things too, ordering lunch for Sam on Air Force One, not wanting his Deputy to skip a meal. Then there were the things that they would never know about, private moments that Toby would never share with them: how he longed to be a father and had done all manner of things to try to help Andi conceive including the numerous trips to the fertility clinics at the convenience of her reproductive system, the time he had wished the guy at the war memorial a Merry Christmas, the talk he had had with Justice Mendoza in a jail cell in Wesley, Connecticut, the tears he had shed in the Oval Office after the shooting when there was only him and the President.
They had all broken his defences and she knew that would be much to his consternation, particularly because at times he even seemed human.
They quietly went into the office next door so as not to disturb their sleeping young friend. He lay peacefully on the sofa breathing deeply. His face was still red and blotchy from his crying and it was easily recognisable as such but for the first time in a while his face looked relaxed; it was not screwed up with tension or a headache or any of the stresses he faced. They would not begrudge him what he needed the most, though it did not stop the three of them from standing over him, looking at him affectionately.
"Oh. Doesn't he look so sweet?" asked C.J. biting her bottom lip, looking at Sam as a mother would a newborn child.
"You do realise that he's an adult, right, C.J.?" asked Josh.
"That I do, Josh. But wouldn't it be nice if he could just be a kid for a bit longer." Toby nodded his agreement. C.J. was right; they all knew that Sam had been forced to grow up quickly, none more painfully so than Toby, who had been Sam's confidant for that particular discussion.
Sam began to stir in his sleep; he had been disturbed by the presence of the others in the room. He had felt them, sensed them and knew that they were near.
"Hey, Spanky."
"C.J.," Sam croaked. "Damn, I think I'm losing my voice."
"I've been waiting for this day to come for the past...however long we've been working together." Sam smiled ruefully as his eyes made contact with Toby's, then he closed them wearily.
"How're you doing, Sam?" asked Josh.
"Okay, I guess."
"You're still feeling bad?"
"Yeah."
"You need anything?" Josh asked, his brow furrowing in concern. It was very unlike Sam to just lie down while the others were in the room, never mind deigning to hold a conversation with them with his eyes shut.
"No."
"You're stopping with me tonight." Josh instructed. "I'm taking you home now."
"No."
"What?"
"I've been thinking. I've had some time and I've been thinking."
"Sounds dangerous, Spanky."
"Could you do me a favour, please?" Sam asked, having difficulty keeping a firm grip on his voice.
"Name it," Said Josh.
"Do you think you could call Lex for me?"
"Sure. I'll tell her you're not well and you're stopping with me."
"No, Josh. I've sorted out a place to stay. I want you to call her and tell her that I'm away for work. I don't want her to worry."
"Okay," Josh was unsure whether or not he should do this but he did not have the heart to not do what his friend wanted.
"Thank you."
"Can I use your office?"
"Sure. And can you do me another favour?"
"What more could you possibly want, Sam?" asked Josh.
"Can you keep your eye on her for me? I mean, I can't keep going round to check on her if I'm supposed to be somewhere else."
"You think? Of course I will, Sam. Only thing remaining is: where would you like to go?"
"Send me to Florida. I fancy some of the Miami sunshine."
"Bismarck, North Dakota it is," Josh grinned. "I'll go make the call."
"Thank you, Josh. I appreciate you doing this."
"It's fine, Sam." Josh left the room and went into Sam's office to make the call.
"You said you've got somewhere to stay, Sam?"
"Yeah. I made a couple calls when the First Lady bought me back up."
"You need a lift?"
"No. I'm good, Toby."
"Okay," Toby looked down at his pale deputy. "I hope you're going now. You look beat."
"You don't need me?"
"Seriously, Sam, what good are you gonna be like that?"
"Very little?" Sam guessed.
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"You positive you don't need a lift? Josh can take you if you do?"
"Can he?" asked Josh as he came back into the room.
"I have a memo to write, in case you'd forgotten!"
"Yeah. I mean, I can take you," Josh said.
"No. I'll be fine."
"Okay."
"Are you driving yourself?" Josh asked a little worried.
"Yes I am, and I will be fine." Sam replied as indignantly as he could, though his voice was scarcely able to maintain itself throughout.
"I'll walk you to your car." Josh volunteered.
So they left and Toby busied himself with the memo the President wanted later that day. C.J. stayed to help him but the most productive input she gave was thinking of lots of words that all mean the same thing.
Monday 17th November
Sam had had a miserable weekend. He'd had headaches, chills from his fever, he'd been tired and he had been sick. You name every flu-like symptom you could imagine; Sam had it. He was holed up in a hotel and did not intend to check out anytime soon. As he had lain there alone in the bed he had thought. He had thought more than he could ever remember thinking in his life.
When he returned to work on Monday he was quiet and very subdued. Now Toby could concentrate fully, the France thing waiting for the next move from the other side, he could see Sam had become increasingly despondent and had spent the weekend becoming particularly introverted.
Toby walked out into the Bullpen to see if there were any messages for him that needed to be dealt with. He stood and waited by Ginger's desk, waiting for her to finish on the phone.
"I'm afraid I can't tell you when he'll be back...he can't be reached on his cell. I think he's in meetings, right now...O.K. Sorry Alex." Ginger put down the phone.
"What was that?" Toby asked; he was very curious.
"Alexandra, ringing for Sam."
"Sam's in his office." Toby pointed out, stating what the two of them could see.
"I know that."
"Well, why did you say he wasn't here?" This was becoming very technical and confusing, even to the point of Toby resting his hand on his head while he rested the other on a hip.
"Because he asked me to say that if she called."
"Why?"
"I don't know. He just asked me to block calls from her. Perhaps he's still sick and doesn't want to go home until whatever it is he has, has totally cleared." Sam's weekend away was common knowledge amongst the Communications Staff.
"Hmmm, maybe," Toby said but he sounded unconvinced crossing both of his hands behind his head. He would leave it for now and go have a word with Josh.
Toby walked to Josh's Bullpen and as the door was open he went straight into the Deputy Chief of Staff's office. Josh was sitting sideways on to the door, working away on the computer.
"Josh, can I have a word?"
"Sure," Josh turned away from his computer and swivelled his chair to his place behind the desk.
"It's about Sam."
"Is he O.K.?" Josh leaned forward, his arms resting on the desk and his hands laced together.
"I was hoping you could tell me." Toby slipped into one of Josh's desk chairs, leaning back, legs crossed.
"What's wrong, Toby?"
"He's got the assistants intercepting his calls from Alex. He won't take them."
"Maybe he doesn't feel well enough to go home yet."
"That's what Ginger said."
"Well there you go." There was a pause in the conversation as Josh studied Toby's face. "You think there's something else?"
"Yeah, it's just a feeling."
"Give him time, Toby."
Monday 24th November
Sam had fully recovered from his bout of flu and seemed to have caught up on a lot of sleep as he was zapping about the West Wing as if nothing had ever happened. He had gone down for lunch in the Mess with Josh and Toby was enjoying the peace and quiet in the Bullpen, as it seemed all the assistants had decided to take the same opportunity to go to lunch at the same time, seeing as things were quiet. He heard a phone ringing, interrupting his concentration for writing the speech a President was going to give on the coming Thursday. He sighed, it was clear that there was no one out there to answer it so he went into the Bullpen to deal with it as quickly as possible.
He snatched it up quickly, annoyed at the inconvenience. He had just gotten into his flow and if he was honest, he was reluctant to stop.
"Hello?...Alexandra? It's Toby...What can I do for you?...Sam? What do you mean is he back yet?...From California?...he nev...Wait. Can I get back to you?...O.K. Bye." Toby slammed the phone down, "I'll kill him," he muttered, "I am absolutely going to kill him." Toby balled and slammed his fist down on Ginger's desk causing the objects that were on there to jump from their places.
He marched down to the Mess. He was going to have this conversation with Sam and he was going to have it now, whether Sam wanted it or not.
He walked down the stairs and as he got into the Mess proper he saw Sam and Josh sitting at a table together laughing quietly. C.J. was sitting at a table with her deputies, having an informal briefing-cum-pep talk.
Toby stalked up to Sam and Josh's table.
"I don't believe you Sam. I honest to God do not believe you!" Toby was seething.
"Toby?" Josh stood up with his hands out passively, trying to placate thr irate man.
"Sit down Josh," Toby instructed turning his attention to Sam. "How could you do that? I mean, how could you do that, Sam?"
"Sam?" Josh cocked his eyebrow at Sam who remained quiet despite the barrage that was coming at him from Toby, "What did he do?"
"He's not gone home."
"Of course he's not gone home. He's meant to be working." Josh was beginning to think that Toby was beginning to burn out from working too hard.
"No, Josh. He hasn't gone home, hasn't gone home to his partner, since he moved out the other week. You can't tell me that he's still sick. He's fine, he is perfectly fine. You can see it, I can see it, everybody in this damn room can see it." Toby's voice had peaked now and everyone in the room was looking at the three men. Josh looked amazed. Toby was glaring down at Sam, who was watching something on the table very closely. C.J. heard the furore; seeing the very public scene that Toby was creating, she went over to try and control the situation.
"Toby?" she asked as she approached the group of men. Toby either didn't hear or chose to ignore the Press Secretary as he continued berating Sam.
"I cannot believe that you actually did that."
"Shall we go talk about this somewhere a little more quiet?" C.J. suggested.
"Right here is good," Toby said, disregarding her totally. Toby did concede some however and sat down at the table, C.J. joining him. "Sam, how could you?" He asked more quietly.
"You don't know Toby. You can't understand. Everything that I've been through. Everything I've had to put up with. The long hours here, having to stay awake to play nurse at home. I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it."
"She still thinks you're in California, Sam. If you're gonna ditch her at least have the grace to tell her, don't just let her keep calling and then fobbing her off." This came out a little more bluntly than Toby had intended.
"I can't take this anymore, Toby. I want my life to be normal again. When you thought something was wrong with Andi don't tell me you didn't want to run, ever. Tell me that you weren't overwhelmed, that you never wanted to call it a day if the worst was going to happen." Toby was angry now but neither Josh nor C.J. knew why; Sam mentioning his relationship with Andi pushed buttons in Toby that was provoking an extreme reaction. "You would have found the fastest way out of the situation that was humanly possible."
"I would have stood by her Sam. I WOULD have been there for her. I would have stood by her." Toby bit back any further remarks he wanted to make and quickly exited the room, "Fix this Josh!" he spat back over his shoulder.
"I'll go after him," C.J. said drawing herself up, leaving Josh and Sam alone once more as she went after Toby.
She had never seen Toby react like that about anything before and that made her more than a little worried. As such, she left the Mess nearly as rapidly as the Communications Director.
"What are you doing Sam?" Josh asked, sadly shaking his head.
"It's reached the point where I just couldn't handle it any more. I'm sorry Josh."
"It's okay, man." Josh got up from his seat and moved to the empty chair on the other side of the table, next to Sam and put his hand on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't have done it, I know, but it seemed like such an easiest way...for me I mean. I was confused and scared and I didn't think about what she was feeling."
"You didn't think she wouldn't notice when you didn't come home?"
"I was stupid." Sam ducked his head down from the combination of shame and embarrassment, Josh tightened the grip he had on Sam's shoulder in response to the despondency of the younger man.
"You were, but Sam, what were you thinking?"
"I guess, it was...well it was like:
No more questions,
Please.
No more tests.
Comes the day you say
"What for?"
Please – no more. ...
No more riddles.
No more jests.
No more curses you can't undo,
Left by fathers you never knew.
No more quests.
No more feelings.
Time to shut the door.
Just – no more. ...
No more giants
Waging war.
Can't we just pursue our lives
With our children and our wives?
Till that happy day arrives,
How do you ignore
All the witches,
All the curses,
All the wolves, all the lies,
The false hopes, the goodbyes
The reverses,
All the wondering what even worse is
Still in store?
All the children...
All the giants...
No more.
[Excerpts from 'No More' from 'Into The Woods' by Stephen Sondheim, 1987].
"Do you understand?"
"I do. So does Toby, really. I don't know what it was you said that made him go like that," Josh waved his hands about expansively, "but something really got to him. I think you really upset him. I mean, what were you talking about anyway?"
"It doesn't matter. I should go apologise to him."
"Give him and C.J. a little while, O.K.? I can think of someone else you maybe ought to apologise to, though."
"Lex?" Sam suggested.
"Good guess."
"Okay. You'll cover me while I go round there?"
"I've covered for you when you've not been round there; I think I can manage this." Josh grinned. "Go put it right, Sam."
"Thanks, man." Sam rushed off while Josh finished his coffee.
X X X
C.J. found Toby back in his office. As she was entering the Bullpen she heard the door slam and knew she was taking her life into her hands yet she knew she ought to go to Toby, he would be there for her after all.
She knocked gently on the door and walked through. Toby was standing looking out the window, his hands crossed behind his head. She walked into the office and quietly closed the door behind her. She stood near the door and spoke tentatively to her friend, breaking the echoing silence in the small office.
"Toby?" Toby didn't turn around, though he moved his hands. He wrapped one tightly around him and put the other over his face. "Toby?" C.J. tried again, she walked up to him and turned him around to face her. She saw the look of heartbreak in his eyes; he had been betrayed. She guided him around the room to the sofa and sat him down taking a seat next to him. C.J. had known Toby for a long time but never had she seen him this hurt. What Sam had said to him had cut him to the core.
"I can't believe he said that, C.J." Toby said quietly and simply.
"I know." She really didn't but she needed Toby to trust her, to feel able to talk to her.
"I mean, I know I'm not the warmest person but I had hoped that he thought more of me than that, that he thought I was capable of such a thing...that I could be that cold...It cut me, you know. What he said hurt me; it really hurt."
"I know, Toby, but he didn't mean it."
"He thought it though. There must be some thing that planted the thought."
"He's under a lot of pressure Toby. It's too much for anyone to take in and deal with. I'm sure he didn't mean it."
"I know, but at that moment, he hurt me and he did it on purpose; it's not like Sam, I know...I love that kid, C.J., I mean I love you all and I know I don't show it, but I do. I love you and Josh and I love Sam and I love you all more than I ever thought I could love or trust anyone, and C.J., if you tell the others that I swear to God that I am going to deny all knowledge of this conversation." She smiled warmly.
She knew how much that admission had cost Toby and she could see that he too had been under pressure of late. He had been shouldering a lot of Sam's work as well as his own, not to mention he had been the main fielder on the France issue. She also knew that he had been worried about Sam; about how he was handling the whole thing, whether he got enough rest, whether he was taking proper care of himself, making sure that Sam could come and go if he needed time and he always made sure he was free if Sam ever wanted to talk, no matter how deep or inconsequential the topic.
They had all tried to help Sam and had all been concerned about him but it was always Toby who ended up staying after hours, living on coffee; sometimes even sleeping on the couch in his office. When he had gotten home it had been late and he had always been in for a very early start the next morning, leaving him little time to draw breath, let alone sleep.
It was now Toby's turn to be pushing the bounds of exhaustion, something he had successfully managed to keep at bay for so long; but Sam's betrayal had been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, so C.J. decided that she would do some counselling of her own.
He thought the others didn't know about his extra hours, the extra worry; he always looked harried and he assumed that they would just think it was normal. While it is true that Leo and Josh hadn't noticed, their minds both elsewhere, C.J. had. Though she knew Toby best of all them, she was afraid to talk to him, afraid to comfort him and help him; afraid that Toby wasn't as strong and impenetrable as they all relied on him to be.
"What was he talking about Toby, about you and Andi?" Toby sighed. He figured C.J. had heard one half of the story; she wasn't stupid and she could put two and two together to make four, so he told her. He told her about the lump Andi had found on her breast, the wait for the tests and the wait for the results. He told her about how lonely he felt, how he had been unable to talk to anybody about it and how he had cried when he had been alone in his office or shut in their bathroom. C.J. was shocked; she could never imagine Toby being so completely affected, so deeply immersed that he would shut himself away and cry. She knew he got frustrated at times but she had never expected to hear a story like that coming from their Toby Ziegler. "I'm sorry Toby. I never knew."
"Of course you didn't," he shrugged. "I told him because I thought it might make Sam feel less alone than I did; that there are people here who care for him and that we do understand." C.J. smiled, "What?" Toby was glaring a bit now.
"You really are very sweet sometimes, you know. That was just about the saddest story I ever heard," she drawled. "Come here and give me a hug." To her surprise, he did. As friends do, C.J. offered Toby all the support she could give and for once Toby accepted it gratefully.
Neither heard the soft knock and the door opening. Nor did they know that anyone else was in the room until the new arrival cleared his throat.
C.J. and Toby pulled away from their hug but C.J kept a firm grip of Toby's hand so that he knew that she was there for him and that she understood, as they turned their attention to Josh.
"Sorry," Josh looked embarrassed, "Sam's going round to see Lex."
"Good," said Toby, quietly.
"He didn't mean what he said, you know. Everything's got a bit too much for him."
Josh stayed hovering near the door. He did not want not cross any invisible line of demarcation and he was plainly uncomfortable. Perhaps even more so, C.J. thought, than when he was being grilled in the Press Room about the President's secret plan to fight inflation.
"I understand, Josh. Hard as it is to believe, I really do. Now if you're gonna stay in here sit your ass down somewhere, 'cos your hovering's really starting to bother me."
Josh obliged.