16. Smack.
Sing like no-one is listening; dance like no-one is watching; order like someone else is paying.

"Insane," Kensuke whispered. "Insane, insane, insane, insane, insane."

Toji was less diplomatic. "Dude, that's fucked up."

"All fair descriptors," I agreed, and dropped my t-shirt back down over my torso, from where it had been hiked up to show the padded dressing over my injury.

(Conveniently, the bandage around my ribs holding it in place covered up the older scar from Third Impact.)

"I can't believe a whole Japanese NERV division went rogue," said Kensuke. "And a two-star general at that!"

Much of the events at Matsushiro were classified, of course, but there was no point pretending Kensuke had not been committing paternal espionage, and it meant Shinji and I could find a middle ground of explaining my injuries without getting ourselves arrested.

(During my hospital stay, Shinji had not managed to visit unaccompanied by one or more of our friends; I tried to be pleased that people cared about and were concerned for me, but the lack of time alone with him chafed worse than did the bandage.)

"She always seemed the type," Toji declared. "And that Shimada guy, too."

"Really?" Shinji said. "I never would've guessed."

"Nah, me neither." Toji waved a hand. "I was bullshitting – I don't even remember her, the other lady was Commander back then."

Shinji rolled his eyes, and returned to unpacking clothes from Toji's overnight bag. Some items went into drawers, others into the laundry hamper; when he got to the toiletries case, however, Toji unexpectedly cut in.

"Not that!"

"Huh? Why – not…" It was too late – the zip was half-open, and a small glass bottle fell out onto the rug. "Oh, sorry."

"Just hand it here—"

But Kensuke got there first, and cackled. "Is that 'Sakura-ai' cologne? You in a boy band Toj'?"

I did not understand the reason for the mocking comment, but when Kensuke unscrewed the lid I could smell the sweet floral fragrance, and thought it pleasant – if an unlikely choice for a boy inclined to perform a particular variety of masculinity.

"Shaddup!" Toji grumbled. "It was a present from my sis on my last birthday, 'cause her name's Sakura."

Shinji smiled. "Aw, that's sweet."

"You are a considerate elder brother," I told him, "to retain her gift with such care."

He folded his arms. "Hell yeah I am."

"Complex," Kensuke whispered, and Toji threw a pillow at him.

"Not everyone's as messed-up as you, otaku!"

At that point Toji's grandfather stuck his head around the bedroom door. "Toji, don' assault yer guests."

"Sorry, Gramps," – but with a mutinous scowl.

"Thanks, Grandpa," said Kensuke. "He's being extra ornery today."

"Y'ain't wrong," he said. "I'd've reckoned being home at last'd put him in a better mood. Must be missin' all that deelish hospital grub."

Toji made gagging noises. "Nuh-uh! C'mon Gramps, y'know I've been dyin' for your omurice!"

"Behave yerself then, y' young brat," said Mr Suzuhara sternly, the warmth of his grandpaternal affection nonetheless shining through, and returned to the kitchen.

"I ain't promisin' nuthin'," Toji muttered.

Shinji was giggling, and it made my heart light to see how relieved he was that Toji was finally discharged from the rehabilitation facility. He had been busily assisting with the logistics of the move, but in a manner that suggested only caretaking and friendship, not atonement.

Kensuke had also been helping, though less efficiently, and I was resigned to sitting out after being scolded for exerting myself (and honestly, was not yet really in a condition to contribute much physically, having only been discharged that morning myself). Instead I worked on completing Toji's homework for him – not for the first time in our acquaintance.

However, whereas normally I would be operating under instructions to include enough deliberate errors that the content would pass for his own submission (his evaluation, not mine), today I had been asked to work to my own ability, and explain my answers and processes to him afterwards. I was not given an explanation for this change other than "keepin' my options open," but inferred that the aftermath and recovery he had endured had affected his priorities; compounded by Third Impact, even to the point of reshaping his perceptions of – and ambitions for – his future.

After packing away Toji's belongings, and rearranging furniture to better suit his mobility needs (NERV, at Misato's insistence, had funded the installation of accessibility aids throughout the apartment), followed by a dinner of omurice delicious enough to justify Toji's cravings, we settled in to play video games.

In this area, Toji's aptitude far outmatched my own, of course – though even in cooperative mode, he was far less likely to offer assistance to me in turn.

And anyway, it was not long before conversation returned to more pertinent matters.

"Show us the damage again!" Kensuke demanded.

"So morbid," I sighed, but obliged. Shinji looked away, but Toji made an impressed noise and apparently only just managed to stop himself from poking at it – for which I was grateful.

"Nasty," was the verdict. "But hey, it's cool to not be the only scarred mess around here – though you gotta admit, mine's more badass. It was from an Angel, an' all."

"That is true," I acknowledged, with private relief at his clear blaming of Bardiel, not Shinji.

Kensuke shuddered. "Speaking of fucked-up things! An Angel invading an Eva – I don't think I'll ever not be freaked out by that. Must've been beyond terrifying!"

I tried to allow only concern for Toji to show, and not guilt at the horror perpetrated by my sibling.

Toji shrugged, a casualness at odds with his strained expression. "Honest, I don't remember all that much," he admitted. "Prob a good thing, aye! Though..." a furrow between his brows; "...it's kind of weird, but ... I have this image, right? Of someone else there in the Eva, but they looked like me."

"Like you?" Shinji echoed. My face felt suddenly hot and cold at once.

"Yeah, like a mirror – but actually more, 'cause of not bein' flipped. He was even wearin' a plugsuit an' that. Just stood there, starin' at me. I wonder ... was it...?"

"The Angel." I seemed to hear my voice emerge from a long way off. "They had no physical form of their own, so they mimicked yours."

"...Huh?" The only thing I could see was Toji's face – the other visage borrowed by Bardiel. "How'd you figure?"

Blood roared vertiginous in my ears. "Because they did the same to me, when they invaded Evangelion Unit 04 at the Nevada NERV branch."

There was a moment of silence. Then—

"WHAT?" yelled Kensuke. "You were at Nevada?!"

"You got attacked by it too?" Toji was shaking.

I couldn't bring myself to look directly at Shinji, but he had gone very still.

"I'm sorry," I stammered, as long-held regret bubbled to the surface. "If I'd stopped them then, they wouldn't have been able to hurt you. I tried – I tried..."

Kensuke's hands were digging into the rug. "Nevada NERV was completely destroyed – wiped off the map. More than an explosion, it just totally vanished. What the hell happened, Kaworu? How did you survive?"

"I have no idea." My pulse raced, but had never felt fainter. What on earth had possessed me to disclose this? To risk this? "I saw the Angel inside the Eva – I tried to make them leave – then everything went white ... and I woke up in the ocean."

"Huh? The ocean?"

"The Sea of Japan. I don't know how I got there, or how long I was gone, or where... I don't know what I could have done, how I might have stopped them – I just wish I had." Tears prickled heat behind my eyes.

Toji was still looking dumbfounded. "But – you weren' even a pilot then, right? You got picked after that, didn'tcha?"

"My late uncle worked for NERV." Apparently I had just enough presence of mind remaining to limit the amount of incriminating detail shared. "I was always expected to be a pilot candidate, and when Unit 04 was completed they didn't yet have an official nomination. So my uncle sent me."

"Bet he regretted that," said Toji darkly. He took a shuddering breath. "Geez, Kaworu..."

Then his arm flashed out and pain exploded in my cheekbone. I crumpled sideways.

"Toji!" Kensuke shouted, and "Kaworu!" gasped Shinji.

Toji struggled to push himself upright – the motion had overbalanced him, without two legs for bracing support – and wrung his knuckles in the opposite hand. "Sorry, Kaworu, but I had to clobber you. Said it yourself – if you'd stopped the Angel, I wouldn't'a been hurt, and Shinji and the others wouldn't'a had to fight it. So you owe me."

"I won't dispute that," I said, rubbing my face. Kensuke took my shoulders and helped me sit up; I tried to conceal the screech of pain in my chest. At least he had struck with his hand, rather than one of his metal crutches.

"You okay, man?" Kensuke asked me.

"Never better."

Toji barked out a laugh. "You're so full of shit."

There was a long moment of silence; the three of us waited, knowing that it was on Toji's initiative, his choice, where and how to proceed from this point. I had no right to press him, no entitlement to his response – whatever it may be.

"Well..." Toji folded his hands behind his head. "...It's all NERV's fault anyway – them an' the Angels. They're the ones who caused this whole bullshit – Evas, fighting, all a' that. They told me t' be pilot. Not much any of the rest a' us can do.

"So I reckon … I reckon we'll be okay, you an' me."

I smiled tentatively. "It's your call, Toji."

"Too right it is. And I call ... Ken to be my minion, until you're better enough to do it."

"Me!" Kensuke groused. "Why me, huh?"

"Viewing fee for the cripple fight," Toji said blandly, and the two of them cracked up laughing.

With an effort I forced myself to relax, and sneaked a glance at Shinji.

He was staring at me, face almost blank, but beneath the shock there was a shade – more than a shade – of the hurt I feared. When my eyes met his he looked away sharply, and a pain in my chest flared that had nothing to do with General Watanabe's attack.

It was late that night, and I was home. Kensuke's father had collected the three guests and dropped Shinji and I at our respective homes, and I was tired enough that Kaji had helped me shower and change into pyjamas (since the events at Matsushiro his care had been attentive almost to the point of smothering. I did not exactly mind).

Now I sat at the kitchen table as he made tea, and contemplated pills.

Dr Akagi had prescribed medications for me, claiming they would help support my metabolism and energy levels while healing, but I had not yet taken them. It was likely they would have a similar effect to the intravenous doses she had been giving me, and I loathed the idea – but on the other hand, if I did not cooperate with her regimen would she invoke medical authority and have me rehospitalised against my will? It would be impossible to escape her or mitigate her impact then.

"Something on your mind, Kaworu?" Kaji asked, setting a cup in front of me.

"Observant as ever, Mister Spy."

He smirked. "Takes no skill to read you right now."

I sighed. "What is that saying? 'It's been a day'. Well, it has also been a week, a month, and I think we can round up to a year."

Kaji winced sympathetically as he took the seat beside me, a supportive arm along the back of my chair. "You more than most. Who knew choosing your own path in life would get so damn messy, huh, Mister Free Will?"

"Exactly." I blew steam away from my tea and sipped. "If I had been the Angel of Fish I wouldn't have to put up with this."

Kaji laughed. "Which one was Fish?"

"Gaghiel, the Sixth. They attacked the Pacific fleet en route to Tokyo-3."

"Right! I missed the conclusion to that – unfortunately, protecting my package took priority."

"When you were escorting Adam's body to Japan, you mean." He looked awkward, and I couldn't resist teasing, "Transporting my paralysed parent from one prison to another is not what I would deem 'protection'."

He was saved from answering by the buzz of the intercom, and a familiar face in the screen. "Oh look, it's Shinji! Huh, it's late for a social call..."

I blinked in surprise, and as Kaji headed down the hall slowly got to my feet, with an unsettled feeling.

"Hey, Shin—"

"Is Kaworu awake?" But he barged into the apartment without awaiting an answer – or even taking off his shoes – and when he reached the kitchen I saw that he was dripping wet, evidently from travelling through rain without the shelter of an umbrella. His face was twisted in distress.

"Shinji? Are you all right?" I reached to him, but his hands clenched into fists and I froze. Behind him I saw Kaji retreat to the bathroom and close the door to give us privacy.

"Could you have stopped it?" Shinji demanded.

"Stopped...?"

"That Angel in Unit 04 – could you have defeated it, using your powers? Like in the fight before Third Impact, you protected me with your AT field. Could you have stopped the other Angel before it got to Toji's Eva?" By the last word his voice was serrated, and his hands clenched and unclenched compulsively.

I had to swallow heavily before I could speak. "I don't know. It all happened so quickly – by the time Bardiel and I each realised the other was present, the S2 engine was already collapsing. I tried to expel them, and to extract myself, but we were caught in the implosion."

"Could you have done something?" he begged. "Anything?"

"I – I don't know." My impulse at seeing him upset was to embrace and comfort, but I held myself back with difficulty – I was the cause of his pain. "I can only promise that I tried. I'm … I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry, Shinji."

His eyes dropped from mine at last, and I sagged back into my chair as though I were a puppet on cut strings.

He drew a shaky breath. "Were you scared?"

"Terrified."

"...You never said anything."

"I am so, so sorry."

"I mean..." He took a step towards me. "You went through all that, alone, and couldn't talk about it with anyone."

The realisation that, in the midst of his anger, his horror and guilt, Shinji still felt compassion for me... My head swam. How was he so wonderful? How could I not adore him?

"And then..." Another step forward. "As soon as you got back, I tried to run away."

Memory: the sense of abyssal loss when he had said he would leave Tokyo-3. "Nobody could blame you for that." Somehow my voice succeeded in sounding gentle, rather than hollow.

He stood in front of me now, his feet between mine. "I'm not running away anymore."

His eyes met my own again, and then Shinji Ikari blessed my life with another surprise, when he took my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine.

"Mmph?!" A world of understanding crashed over me – that's why love songs...! thence poetry! – but I was most conscious of the warmth and strength of his mouth, his hands, his jaw – which apparently I was touching, I had not decided that – and then somehow there were tongues? his and mine? was that normal? Not that I was complaining, far from—oh, yes, we can keep tongues. Mmph indeed.

When after a dreaming eon – or a heartbreath instant – Shinji drew back (so gentle! like the tide! and at least as inexorable), and his eyelashes were wet on his cheeks, and my thumbs – which had been caressing his face of their own volition, don't ask me, I'm clearly not in charge – wiped away the dampness … oh, I wanted nothing so much in the world as to kiss him again. A lot.

So I did.

It was an extremely popular decision amongst every relevant constituency, namely Shinji and myself – we were, after all, the only two people in the world, as far as I was able to tell. Or possibly the world itself was reduced to Shinji's kisses; this seemed to me both satisfactory and sufficient. Certainly nothing else could ever be required or desired, than to be as one with his arms and heart.

And tongue, of course.

At length there was space between us again, though not much – Shinji leant down to rest his forehead against mine, and my fingers kept tracing up and down his forearms as though mapping the skin of them was the only goal of life. He drew a soft breath.

"...Oh my god, I've been wanting to do that for months," he blurted, and I found myself laughing with limitless affection.

"My apologies for taking so long to understand."

He shook his head. "Forget it. I was confused too – I'd never been such close friends with someone before, or liked a guy like that, and then you turned out to be an Angel, and everything was so messed up I didn't even know what I was feeling…"

My nose bumped lightly against his, once and then again. "We have that in common. Many things that the human heart finds intuitive I yet struggle to recognise, even though I have learned much – and so much of that, thanks to you."

"Me?"

"My feelings for you – how they have changed and deepened over time, even their existence at all – have so often been my first experience with such things. Concern for another. Friendship. The pain of absence. The wish to be acknowledged and recognised. It seems only fitting that I learn attraction and desire through you."

To my vision, he seemed to glow as though illuminated by his own AT field. "Kaworu…" He leaned in again – then suddenly jerked away as a sneeze burst out.

"Gesundheit. –Oh! you were caught in the rain."

"Oh yeah..." It seemed neither of us had noticed, or remembered, that his hair and clothes were still wet.

"You should get changed," I said firmly, and with an effort and Shinji's support got to my feet. "I have spare pyjamas, if you would like to stay over? It is very late, and—" (a glance out to the balcony) "—the weather has not improved."

Shinji had spent the night at my home, and I at his, on many prior occasions, so his blush surprised me, but his firm nod diverted me from confusion as I set about providing for his stay ... then was promptly sidelined by Shinji's own caring nature, sparing me the exertion of domestic tasks.

Instead I was relegated to sitting on the bed and pointing in the appropriate directions for him to collect clothing and a towel. But before I could resign myself to the critical hosting failure of making Shinji set up his own futon mattress, he joined me on the bed, and the reason for his blush became apparent.

"...Is this what is called 'cuddling'?" I asked, as we settled down in each other's arms.

"Mm-hm." I had not thought that my shirt was actually covering his face to muffle words to such a degree...

"Ah." He could not see my smile – the room was dark, and his nose was tucked beneath my chin – but it bloomed on my face of its own accord. "Another thing learned thanks to Shinji. –I like it."

"I like you," he muttered into my collarbone, and his arm tightened gently around my waist.

"And I you," I said, and kissed the top of his head.

We fell asleep like that, and for one precious night the world was at bay, and we were together, and happy.