Before I begin, I need to point out something. If you don't know what "Chance Pop Session" is, you should check out the Anime Channel, or go watch more anime. Special thanks to Time-Warner for giving me the idea for the title!

WAITING

(Bulbasaur walks in on the set; Squirtle stares at Bulbasaur, then the camera, then back to Bulbasaur)

Bulbasaur: (now sitting at his desk) On tonight's show -

William Shatner: (off camera, on the monitor, in very strained voice, without moving his lips) Can you hear me? Can you hear... Can you take me... Can you get my message? Do you hear what I'm saying? (exhales)

Bulbasaur: William Shatner!

William Shatner: That's incorrect.

Bulbasaur: Bill Shatman!

William Shatner: No.

Bulbasaur: (looking at his blue card, squinting)

William Shatner: (gestures toward himself) I'm the space guy. I'm Captain Kirk.

Bulbasaur: Outer space shows are for children and stupid people.

William Shatner: What are you, some -

Bulbasaur: Hang on, Shaq.

William Shatner: How can we -

Bulbasaur: (quietly) Let me just, um, rub my eyes here, for a moment. (Puts his head in his hand. grimacing) Oh, man. (turns his head back and forth several times, and grits his teeth) Oh, do I itch.

William Shatner: I thought, that I was, I was coming here to publicize... some of my projects, I'm...

Bulbasaur: (shakes his head back and forth very rapidly) Ow, I shouldn't be itching like this. Oh, man.

William Shatner: I have the urge to leave.

Bulbasaur: Really.

William Shatner: Yeah.

Bulbasaur: Food court's downstairs if you want to scope out some eye candy, Bill.

William Shatner: (laughs) Funny, funny how those words came out of you, and, (pointing at his temple) and it shows you the mind meld is working.

Bulbasaur: Bang a left past the four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal. Here, I'll open it for ya. I forgot how primitive you are. (presses a button)

(A four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal is on the set, next to the monitor. A door opens on the front, with the same sound effect as an original Star Trek door. The interior is a swirling light pattern, with ethereal music in the background. Suddenly, a leprechaun pops out.)

Bulbasaur: You should really get one of these on your show. Oh wait, you don't have a show. (Scoots his chair closer to the monitor) You don't have a show. (laughs) (Multiple images of Bulbasaur appear on Bill's monitor, all chanting "You don't have a show!")

(Squirtle is playing the keyboard, apparently responsible for the ethereal music. He stops playing.)

Bulbasaur: (laughing) Hey, remember that one Space Trek episode where your show got cancelled? Remember that one?

William Shatner: No. I remember nothing about Star -

(Alarm goes off, with red lights flashing. The camera changes in sequence: Charmander in the control room, watching a Cardcaptors cartoon on her monitor; Squirtle in his keyboard pod; Bill on the monitor; The leprechaun; Bulbasaur)

Bulbasaur: Double red alert! That sound means it's time for my death struggle with Squirtle.

Charmander: Uh, Bulbasaur... (throws lever up and down, cancelling the alarm sound and lights) Squirtle had to cancel.

Bulbasaur: What!

Charmander: Says he's got a heating and air conditioning guy comin' over to his house to blow out his ducts.

Bulbasaur: Huh.

Squirtle: (sitting in his keyboard pod, looking at Bulbasaur)

Charmander: Uh, sorry.

Bulbasaur: You mind covering for him?

Charmander: What do you mean?

Bulbasaur: Go by his house and let the guy in. That way, the death struggle happens and the ducts get blown.

Charmander: Yeah, well, I don't have a key.

Bulbasaur: Why don't you get a key then?

Charmander: I don't have a key.

Bulbasaur: Why don't you get a key then?

Charmander: (beat) I don't have a key.

Bulbasaur: (runs from his desk; he walks in behind Charmander, surprising her) Why don't you get a key then?

Charmander: Wha! (Beat) I don't have a -

Bulbasaur: Why don't you get a - (Bill is now on Charmander's monitor)

Charmander: - key.

Bulbasaur: - key then?

Squirtle: (enters the control room) I have a key.

Bulbasaur: Why don't you get -

Squirtle: I have a key.

Bulbasaur: Squirtle, give Charmander your key, and then you and I can go fight that duct guy.

Squirtle: I don't wanna give Charmander my key.

Bulbasaur: (sighs)

Squirtle: They're hard to make!

Bulbasaur: Okay, I'll go fight the guy. Happy!? (flies off)

William Shatner: Why am I on this show?

(Back on the set; Bill is on the monitor, and the doors to the four-dimensional bielectric transfer portal are now closed. Charmander and Squirtle walk over to Bulbasaur's desk; Charmander sits down, and the leprechaun pops into the scene.)

Charmander: (clears her throat) Thank you all for being here. My guest -

Squirtle: (interrupts Charmander) So, uh, Bill... (looking at his notes) You like blue boobs better? Or green ones?

Charmander: (to Squirtle, under his breath) Shut up, idiot!

William Shatner: I don't know, uh, this is very strange. You guys are frightening me a little bit, I gotta tell you.

Charmander: My guest tonight, the great William Shatner! William Shatner, everybody.

William Shatner: Yes, kudos to me, and congratulations.

Charmander: Mr. Shatner, I gotta tell you (raises her hand, making the "hook 'em horns" gesture): Trek rules, Wars drools!

William Shatner: There was a, there's a great deal of similarity between Star Wars and Star Trek, I've gotta admit.

Charmander: Like what?

William Shatner: Space.

Charmander: (looks left and right) Which leads me to the question on everyone's mind -

Squirtle: (interrupts again) Why is everyone on Star Trek black?

William Shatner: (looks like he is about to answer)

Charmander: Shut up, Squirtle.

Squirtle: (looking at his notes) What've you got against white people?

Charmander: Squirtle, shut up.

Squirtle: Huh?

William Shatner: I guess we're not on the same wavelength.

Charmander: My, my question is: (quietly) can I have your autograph?

William Shatner: I don't sign... my name... anymore.

Charmander: Okay.

William Shatner: Yeah. I have a business manager to do that.

Charmander: (nervous laugh)

William Shatner: Would you like my business manager's signature?

Charmander: What, are you kiddin' me? Great!

William Shatner: (chuckles)

(In Squirtle's house. There are two workers there, one in a blue jumpsuit, one in a red one. The red suited character hits the wall with his hammer six times, but stops and turns toward the door when he hears a noise outside. He hits the wall five more times, then stops again when he hears noise again. He hits the wall seven more times, when Bulbasaur suddenly breaks the door down.)

Bulbasaur: Aha! (in his best superhero voice) Look here, air conditioning and heating guy! It's time for Bulbasaur to blow YOUR ducts. (The red guy starts hammering on the wall again.) En guard! (He attacks the blue guy, who brandishes a hammer. It is revealed that large boulders are scattered around Squirtle's living room. Dramatic music plays, as they hop around the room onto furniture, chasing each other. Bulbasaur knocks over a lamp, breaking it. The blue guy hops onto a rock and jumps down.)

(Camera switches back to the studio. Charmander is sitting at Bulbasaur's desk, reading aloud from a book to Bill)

Charmander: And as the Enterprise began its gentle orbing around the planet Vulcan, uh, It was then Kirk, uh, done to... (flips pages) knew the Federation would survive! (flips pages again) Uh, let's see... The End. So... whattya think?

William Shatner: Well... (sighs)

Charmander: Not bad for fan fiction, huh?

William Shatner: I'm afraid to tell you -

Squirtle: That's not the story you wrote!

Charmander: Yes it is!

Squirtle: Your story had naked men in it.

Charmander: Hmph! The laser clothes were his powers!

Squirtle: Bouncin' around.

Charmander: I had to undress him to... disarm him.

Squirtle: So why didn't he just use lasers?

Charmander: Hmph! It was a time before lasers!

Squirtle: (laughs) (talking in a hick voice) "It was a time before lasers!"

Charmander: You just need to shut up! (Walks off stage)

Squirtle: (to Bill) So, uh, blue boobs or green boobs?

William Shatner: You guys are just making me feel very uncomfortable.

(Back at Squirtle's house. Bulbasaur is hiding behind a large upright boulder)

Bulbasaur: Aha! (Dramatic music starts again. Bulbasaur leaps toward blue guy, and throws a small boulder at him, knocking over the ottoman. They both jump around some more, knocking over lamps and other things. Bulbasaur pauses for a few quick breaths, then jumps back and picks up a large boulder) You're mine, duct guy! (He chases the blue guy across the room, toward the red guy, who is still hitting the wall with his hammer.)

(Back to the studio. Bill stairs as eerie music plays. The camera pans to Squirtle's keyboard pod, where we see Squirtle playing a theremin.)

William Shatner: Squirtle, didn't you and I fight to the death?

Squirtle: (stops playing and looks at Bill) That sounds pretty dumb, man. (Resumes playing the theremin)

William Shatner: I did, I killed him.

(In the control room. The 'Cardcaptors" episode is on Charmander's monitor. Charmander throws the switch back and forth, Bill appears on the screen)

William Shatner: I fought Squirtle to the death, I thought.

Charmander: So, uh, you know what I was wondering... Nichelle Nichols ever hit on you?

William Shatner: (laughing, he touches his mouth and then opens and closes his hand like he is squeezing something.)

Charmander: Boungy boungy. (laughs)

William Shatner: (laughs) I put it on stun quite a bit.

Charmander: All right.

(Back at Squirtle's house. Dramatic music plays, and Bulbasaur is still chasing the blue guy with the boulder, as the red guy looks on. Finally, Bulbasaur grunts and throws the boulder at the blue guy, flattening him. The music stops.)

Bulbasaur: Oh no! OH NO!! I killed my best friend ever! (Sad music swells) Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why, Herve, why? Herve, Herve, HERVE!!!!! (The music stops)

Herve: Hey, his name was Fernando, man.

Bulbasaur: Where's Herve?

Herve: I'm Herve! (Bulbasaur starts to fight Herve; they both lunge for the rock which is on Fernando)

(In the control room.)

William Shatner: I love a good donkey.

Charmander: Yeah.

William Shatner: You can take a donkey by the ear (makes grabbing gesture with his fists) and hold on tight,

Charmander: Uh, okay...

William Shatner: ... and ride across the range, and look really rather romantic.

Charmander: (chuckles)

William Shatner: While you hold onto the ear, and you're riding bareback.

Charmander: (excited) You ever been to a donkey show, Bill?!

Bulbasaur: (off camera) Charmander! (Charmander throws her switch; her monitor now shows Bulbasaur sitting at his desk, with some scars and a hook stuck in the top of his head) I'm... backner?

Squirtle: Hey, you finish blowing' my ducts?

Bulbasaur: Sure, they're finished. I have scars.

Charmander: Big deal, Bulbasaur. Mr. Shatner here was wounded three times in the Tek Wars.

Bulbasaur: Yeah, right.

Charmander: It's true!

William Shatner: That's correct. I'm -

Bulbasaur: Let's see some scars.

William Shatner: I beg your pardon?

Bulbasaur: Prove it, tough guy, let's see some scars.

William Shatner: I, I did...

Bulbasaur: Prove it!

William Shatner: I did, uh...

Bulbasaur: Prove it!

William Shatner: I don't think...

Bulbasaur: PROVE IT!!

William Shatner: (beat) I'll have to take my pants off.

Charmander: Bill!! It's a trap!

Bulbasaur: Charmander, knock it off.

Charmander: But his pants are lasers, and he'll be defenseless!

Bulbasaur: (beat) You and I need to have a talk. (Blood runs into Bulbasaur's left eye; a droning sound swells in the background)

Charmander: Uh...

Bulbasaur: In private. (Bulbasaur walks to the control room) (In a gruff voice) What do you want?

Charmander: Pfft! You called me.

Bulbasaur: Charmander...

Charmander: Hey, uh, you got a giant metal hook stickin' outta your head.

Bulbasaur: Enough of your lies! Charmander, I'm worried about this supercomputer situation.

Charmander: You know you're, you're bleeding' there.

Bulbasaur: It's computing things that I don't like, quite frankly.

Charmander: That's a TV monitor!

Bulbasaur: (beat) What's that you're wearing?

Charmander: I, uh...

Bulbasaur: It's so sexy and skin-tight, Charmander.

Charmander: B-Bulbasaur, I, I don't even want...

Bulbasaur: This supercomputer needs to be destroyed. (Bulbasaur pulls out a large rock, and starts bashing Charmander's console)

Charmander: No-no-no-no-no, what are you doing, what are you doing, what are you doing!?

Bulbasaur: Confound it, I'm left with but one choice.

Charmander: Great Scott, Bulbasaur, not another rock!

Bulbasaur: Even better! (Pulls out a rock) This is the first rock! (bashes the console some more; Bill grimaces on the monitor)

Charmander: No! Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!

Bulbasaur: I am confusing the supercomputer with logic! When it thinks I'm going to hit it with a rock,

William Shatner: It's in my hands...

(Bulbasaur bashes the console some more; finally the screen cracks. Then, two slices of toast pop up. Bulbasaur walks back to his desk. the monitor is blank, showing occasional static)

Bulbasaur: That - (The leprechaun pops out from behind Bulbasaur's desk, then flies off camera) That supercomputer was no match... for my... patented... hmm, something.

William Shatner: (off camera) Bulbasaur... (static) Bulbasaur... (static) Bulbasaur...

(Pan to Squirtle, who has large green Vulcan-like ears.)

Squirtle: (speaking with Bill's voice) I've noticed you really don't have the intelligence to be a really big star. (Bulbasaur looks at Squirtle, at the camera, and back at Squirtle) Bulbasaur...

Bulbasaur: Something feels... (blood runs from his eye, he wipes it off) different.

Squirtle: (with Bill's voice) I'm beginning to enjoy being on your show, more than Jay Leno.

Bulbasaur: (starts yanking on the hook which is stuck in his head. He pulls himself over onto the floor.) Ow. Squirtle, give me a hand here, would ya?

(Squirtle walks over to Bulbasaur's desk; his Vulcan ears are gone now. Bulbasaur is back sitting in his desk. Squirtle grunts and pulls on the hook; he finally yanks it out.

Bulbasaur: Ow! (A geyser of blood squirts out of Bulbasaur's head from where the hook was.)

Squirtle: Wow!

Bulbasaur: Okay, put it back in!

Squirtle: Jackpot!

Bulbasaur: Put it back in! (Squirtle jams the hook back in, the blood geyser stops) What is that thing on my head?

Squirtle: It's a crown? You're the king.

(Bill Shatner is back in the monitor)

Bulbasaur: That's right. I'm the king. (Bulbasaur stands up, hobbles toward Squirtle, then falls over in front of the desk.) Hey, rocket man, one more thing.

William Shatner: Yes.

Bulbasaur: I'd like to name my own price for your big sweet ass. (laughs)

(Credits roll.)

William Shatner: (metallic echo) It's in my hands...