(Tenacious D appear in the monitor. They both smile and nod at Squirtle.)
Jack Black: 'Sup, Squirtle?
Squirtle: My dinner. (Squirtle vomits a chunky green substance past the monitor where Jack Black looks amazed and also onto his keyboard pod.) Write a song about that!
Kyle Gass: (somewhat agitated) Alright, let's do it, fine.
Squirtle: That's right you'll do it. 'Cause I said it. Squirtle.
(Tenacious D start playing the intro to "Explosivo")
Squirtle: (over Tenacious D's song) Wait. What is this? Heh, this ain't cuttin' it.
Jack Black: What's the name of the song?
Tenacious D: EXPLOSIVO!
Jack Black: Don't know what it's about, but it's good to go
What's the name of my-
Squirtle: (over Jack's singing) No, No, No, No, No, STOP! (Tenacious D stop playing) Explosivo? What's that mean? You're fat?!
Jack Black: It becomes an evil word, if you say it low. (in a low voice) Explosivo.
Squirtle: Naw, man, that ain't gonna make any money.
Kyle Gass: (sounding disappointed) I know.
Squirtle: Check this out. (Squirtle jumps out from inside his pod with what looks like a Purple Colored Gibson Brand Flying V Style guitar) 1 - 2 - 3 – 4 (Squirtle starts playing. Flames erupt from nowhere around the guitar and some lights come from the ceiling)
Squirtle: (while playing) Explosivo! (Squirtle keeps playing. Flames continue to erupt, and grow into small explosions, Charmander comes onto the bandstand from presumably the set) Explosivo! (Jack Black moves his fingers like he's hammering on and pulling off his fingers on the frets of a guitar, and guitar sound effects seem to agree) Explosivo! (A giant goat's head starts to lower from the ceiling. The top of the goat's head is on fire as is its chin, and flames also erupt from its nostrils) Yes! (Squirtle stops playing) YES!
Jack Black: We should get a big evil puppet behind us, in, uh, concert man?
Kyle Gass: (laughs)
Jack Black: Big evil puppet comes down?
Charmander: Shyeah, man, and he's totally allergic to pollen.
Jack Black: (sarcastically) Yeah.
Kyle Gass: (pretending to agree) Yeah, maybe.
Charmander: (obviously making it up as she goes along) And he's got these big... like... oven mitts, or somethin', man.
Jack Black: (looks at Charmander in disappointment and shakes head) That's not evil.
Charmander: (still making it up as she goes along) Yeah it is! 'Cause he's bakin' in, in the kitchen of darkness. A pie of, of lost souls, until it's, it's golden brown.
(Tenacious D look at each other)
Squirtle: Pff. Golden brown?
Charmander: Yeah. But, but, but you can't eat it, even though you want to, you gotta let it cool off on the window. (Tenacious D look at each other again) The, the windowsill to... TO HELL!
Kyle Gass: Are you goin' off the script?
Squirtle: Look, you guys need to spew more blood. For Satan. He likes that. (Tenacious D look at each other) But you don't want to puke out your own blood, you understand, 'cause your gonna need those nutrients to perform the encore.
Kyle Gass: Of course. (gives a confused look)
Squirtle: So you're gonna need the blood of another. Somebody else. Now check this out. Hand me the goat.
Charmander: (holding a goat) This goat?
Squirtle: Thanks, I appreciate it.
(Bulbasaur drops into his desk. The upper right corner is on fire.)
Bulbasaur: Sorry I'm late, have I missed anything?
Squirtle: (holding the goat, which baas constantly) Uh, no.
Jack Black: Nah!
Kyle Gass: Heh!
Bulbasaur: Well what are you doing with that goat?
Squirtle: Heh, I don't know? Milkin' it?
Bulbasaur: Charmander?
(Charmander looks at Squirtle and then looks back at Bulbasaur)
Charmander: Looks like he's milkin' it.
Jack Black: That was, uh, a lie.
Bulbasaur: How many times have I told you not to hang that giant beast head from the light grid? Take it home. Put it in your own house. It smells horrible.
Squirtle: Okay. I promise.
(beat)
Bulbasaur: No you don't!
Squirtle: Look, Satan is supposed to come pick it up.
Charmander: Shyeah, man, we're doin' it for Satan.
Bulbasaur: Satan? Did I meet him? At, at the open house?
Charmander: Yeah, he was the guy, that was tryin' to get you to- kill that girl.
Squirtle: Yeah, you know, with the necktie. And, uh, crown made of femurs.
Bulbasaur: Uh, I don't remember him.
Squirtle: Maybe you didn't see him. Your eyes were all rolled back in your head.
Charmander: Yeah, man, and you kept sayin' "Satan, daddy, satan!"
Bulbasaur: Femurs?
Charmander: Uh, Bulbasaur, come in here, let me show you. (Bulbasaur goes into the control room.) All right, look at this.
(Charmander pulls the lever and the monitor switches from Tenacious D to a red-painted handpuppet, with fake eyes [ala Cookie Monster], horns, and teeth. "Evil" music starts playing, and there are flames in the monitor as well. Handpuppet starts chomping teeth with chomping sound effects.)
Charmander: Whoa! Oh, okay, see, there he is, that's Damien. (The fake teeth fall out of the hand puppet's mouth. The handpuppet looks down at the teeth and then back up at the monitor.) Uh, as a baby.
(Back on the set)
Squirtle: (still holding the goat, which is still baahing) I'll show ya! I'll show all o' ya!
Jack Black: Show us.
(Squirtle starts to swallow the goat whole, very much like a snake, only much faster)
Kyle Gass: Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Okay!
(Bulbasaur drops into his desk, which is no longer on fire)
Bulbasaur: Look Squirtle, I just watched all four "Omen" movies, including the crappy third one where he was president. (pounds foot)
(beat)
(Squirtle spits out the goat. His eyes roll back into his head. He starts talking backwards with the same "evil" music playing as was in the control room with the handpuppet. Squirtle starts saying something that sounds thoroughly demonic, although when played backward, reveals something to the effect of "Watch for the new South Park Series by storyteller51, coming next month." During this period Bulbasaur looks shocked and Tenacious D look at each other and smile)
Bulbasaur: What's that mean?
Kyle Gass: Uh, it means "Up your ass!"
(Jack looks at Kyle)
Jack Black: (disapprovingly) Dude! (Bulbasaur laughs)
Bulbasaur: That old wive's tale? Kyle, asses don't exist. Everyone knows that.
Squirtle: Yeah, where'd ya learn that? Batman Fantasy Camp?
Bulbasaur: I never went there!
Charmander: Hey Squirtle, get out the diary! (laughs)
Squirtle: (reading from the diary) "Dear Bat-diary-
Bulbasaur: (embarassed) Squirtle...
Squirtle: -another Bat-tacular day at Camp Batman."
Bulbasaur: (embarassed and agitated) Put it away.
Squirtle: "Today we looked after Alfred's older sister and made sure she didn't swallow her own tongue." (Tenacious D both laugh hysterically) "Haven't gotten to meet Batman yet. So far everyone seems old and in need of care." (Squirtle and Charmander crack up)
Bulbasaur: You stole that out of my Bat-locker! (pounds foot on desk)
Kyle Gass: Is that why you look like Batman?
Bulbasaur: I never went there, Kyle.
Kyle Gass: 'Cause you look like Batman, dude.
Bulbasaur: (annoyed) I have big ears, Batman doesn't.
Squirtle: No you don't!
Charmander: Batman has big ears!
(beat)
Bulbasaur: Yeah. Batman does, but Bulbasaur doesn't, and there's the key difference.
Squirtle: Because you're deformed.
Bulbasaur: Because I was bitten by a radioactive spider, Squirtle! The kind that didn't care for ears.
Jack Black: You see, he looks for the sensitive spot, and then he- (motions with his hand like somebody poking at something with a fork)
Kyle Gass: Why would that be a sensitive spot?
Jack Black: Uh, it just seemed like a sensitive spot, there was a shifting and a...
Kyle Gass: Alright!
Bulbasaur: But that is how I got my superpowers (Tenacious D look at each other and then at Bulbasaur) It is.
Jack Black: Where's Paul?
Kyle Gass: Where's Polly?
Bulbasaur: Oh, you talkin' about Molly? Don't. She's dead to me.
Tenacious D: (collectively) Oooh!
Bulbasaur: And so's her movie, which apparently is extremely popular.
Kyle Gass: Phew, ouch.
Jack Black: Touchy subject.
Bulbasaur: People are stupid. (Kyle clears his throat)
Jack Black: Was that a spinoff?
Bulbasaur: More like runoff. From a waste pump.
Squirtle: It's actually quite successful.
Jack Black: Sweet for Molly.
Kyle Gass: Mmm hmm.
Squirtle: Yeah, I'm hopin' she'll cast me in the sequel. Then I can pitch my own show. My show's not a comedy, it's a horredy. It's called Blood Dumpster.
Bulbasaur: Your pilot gave me nightmares! This is 22 minutes of a guy running down a tunnel.
Jack Black: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: This is a show?!
Squirtle: Yes.
Bulbasaur: And what's with your character, the guy with the blades? What's that?
Squirtle: The dumpster-keeper.
Bulbasaur: Who's gonna identify with the "dumpster-keeper"? I mean, maybe if he were in a motorized wheelchair you'd have some sense of sympathy for him.
Squirtle: Well, it tested well. (beat) I mean really well.
Bulbasaur: Molly is nothing without me. If it weren't for me she'd still be doing her movie which she's doing now without me.
Kyle Gass: Can we meet her, is she here?
Bulbasaur: Why do you want to meet her? She's probably drunk.
Jack Black: (looks surprise) Really?
Bulbasaur: Oh sure, everyone thinks she's cute on the outside. But on the inside, heh, her organs are buoys, bouncing around on a sea of gin.
Jack Black: Is that true?
Bulbasaur: Oh yeah.
(We now go to Bulbasaur as seen on Molly's TV)
Bulbasaur: Whadda ya think of that, children?
Molly: What?
(We now go back to the set. Tenacious D are playing with some props)
Bulbasaur: You know, my feelings are so much deeper and more complex than Molly. I mean, I love more than Papa and Mama, let's just say that. I love... bicycles. And there's, there's way more that goes into that.
Kyle Gass: Well, is, is your bicycle special? I don't understand. (Bulbasaur pounds foot on desk)
Bulbasaur: Well yeah, it's special. My dad shot it at me every chance he got. (Tenacious D collectively groan) That's why I started sleepin' in the trees. He couldn't shoot it that high.
Jack Black: Where you goin', Rich?
Kyle Gass: I just, I just had to get some coffee.
Bulbasaur: Hey! Sing a song about my bicycle! But... none of that stuff about my dad, and sleeping in trees, and having to eat walnuts and bark for nourishment... and of course being called Tree Wizard in Pokemon school.
Jack Black: Do you have some chords?
Kyle Gass: (annoyed) Yes, I've got some chords. (starts playing his guitar)
Jack Black: (singing) Bulbasaur and his bicycle. Much better than just a tricycle. Why doesn't he have rocketcycle? Heyyyyyyy! Argggh!!!!
Kyle Gass: (stops playing)
Bulbasaur: Rocketcycle? Well I'll tell you why I don't have a rocketcycle. They don't exist. Now keep going.
Jack Black: That's it.
Kyle Gass: That's it.
Bulbasaur: No, that's NOT it. Sing something about how my thighs, and, uh, how they've developed from riding the bicycle.
Kyle Gass: (clears his throat) Alright, verse two. (starts playing again)
Jack Black: (singing) He rides it all around. Inside his ship. He doesn't go outside his freakin' ship, oh!
Bulbasaur: (singing) With the Mankey Kid.
Jack Black: (no longer singing) Stop.
Kyle Gass: (stops playing)
Bulbasaur: (singing) Doin' lots of flips. Then I start to strip. (Jack and Kyle look at each other and then at Bulbasaur) Hold on. Wait a minute!
Jack Black: Whoops.
Bulbasaur: Your song made me sing horrible things! Do another song and do it right.
Kyle Gass: Which one would you like to hear?
Bulbasaur: Anything by Jim Croce.
Jack Black: Well, it's kind of a short one.
Bulbasaur: You give me the long one!
Jack Black: Naw, do the long one.
Bulbasaur: Squirtle, get the candles. Set the mood.
Jack Black: This isn't gonna be allowed on.
Bulbasaur: Oh yes it is!
Charmander: No, it's not, man. Some lawyer just called from the label. We can't clear the song.
Bulbasaur: What?! No lawyer's gonna tell Bulbasaur what to do. Kyle, Jack? You do your most famous song and make SURE it's from your latest album.
(Kyle starts playing)
Jack Black: (singing) You don't always have to...
(Tenacious D's song, "F*** Her Gently", is replaced by someone playing guitar and singing "Good King Wenceslas" badly. Video cuts to slow motion action scenes from the original "Pokemon" cartoon. It cuts back to the set, with Tenacious D still playing.)
Bulbasaur: (singing over the song) Time in a bottle!
(The song resumes, and video continues to go back and forth from the set to slow motion action scenes from the original Pokemon cartoon)
All: (singing collectively) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrd!
(Kyle plays one final chord and Jack exhales)
Squirtle: That was very pretty.
Kyle Gass: Thank you, Squirtle.
Bulbasaur: Yes it was pretty. I've never heard it live. That totally rocked.
Charmander: Hey, uh, Bulbasaur? Some guy up here wants to see ya. (Bulbasaur walks into control room) Bulbasaur, say "hey" to Satan.
(We now see Satan from "South Park" in the corner with a crown of bones [femurs] on his head. Aforementioned "evil" music starts playing.)
Charmander: Satan, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Hello.
Satan: Come closer to me.
Charmander: Go on, man.
Satan: Closer.
(Bulbasaur inches closer to Satan nervously as Satan breathes heavily)
Charmander: Go on, go on.
Bulbasaur: You here to kill me?
Satan: (looking angry) Now you listen to me. I'm here to get you on a sitcom. You want to get on a sitcom, right?
Bulbasaur: Can you get me on the new Pokemon?
Satan: (now smiling) They have already cast that one. But I've got some connections with this other show. It'll cost you. Dearly.
Bulbasaur: How much?
Satan: You'll see. (evil laughter)
(We now go to a live action shot of a dumpster, with "I Dream of Genie" type music playing. The title "Blood Dumpster" appears. Squirtle's head pops out of the dumpster to canned laughter. To another dumpster, where Squirtle's head also pops up, with the word "Starring" replacing "Blood Dumpster. Now on to another dumpster, where Squirtle's head pops out of yet again, and the word "Starring" is replaced with "Squirtle". Now we cut to Bulbasaur at the entrance of a large drainage pipe with a dumpster at the end.)
Bulbasaur: Wait, what's my motivation?
(Squirtle pops out of the dumpster in a motorized wheelchair with a scythe in hand and with several blades spinning rapidly on his shell, knees, elbows, and hands.)
Squirtle: Gabba gabba go, neighbor!
Bulbasaur: (running away) Oh no!
(Credits roll)
Another chapter complete! By the way, did you notice the thing about my South Park series? It'll be out next month, but I'm not giving you anything about it yet. In the meantime, Read and Review about this! Please…