: START FEED

(Opening theme and titles)

Bulbasaur: (walks in to set) Hello! I am Bulbasaur. Welcome to my show. (waves) Joining us on this program will be motivational speaker and talk show host, Susan Powter, and return guest Kyle Broflouski. Please say hello to the band, Squirtle and the Original Way Outs! (The Way Outs play Bulbasaur to his desk)

(The Pokemon Planet is small in the distance and grows larger as it approaches the windows behind Bulbasaur.)

Bulbasaur: Aaah! Sorry. Before we begin, I'd just like to point out to our viewers that although it may seem like the Pokemon Planet behind me is really close, it's actually millions and millions of miles away. So, don't worry, we're not going to run into it or anything.

CRASH!

(The set shakes as the Pokemon Planet hits the studio. A siren begins to wail, the shaking continues)

Bulbasaur: Charmander! Damage report?

Charmander: (as Star Trek's Scotty) She's breaking up! She's gonna blow, Bulbasaur!

Squirtle: (as the "Lost in Space" robot) Danger! Danger!

Bulbasaur: Got... to do... something...

Squirtle: (as Ren) Bulbasaur, you idiot!

Bulbasaur: (as Homer Simpson) D'oh!

(Picture dissolves into a series of static and test patterns, including a hand-written sign that says "Carom", finally ending up on a clip from the Squirtle & Charmander nursery rhymes, from later in the fic. The camera pulls back to reveal Dynablade and Escargoon from "Kirby: Right Back at Ya" watching on a monitor.)

Dynablade: Aagh! Change it! Aagh! Aagh! This sucks!

Escargoon: (changes channel) Uh huh, uh huh huh, this is cool. Uh huh, uh huh huh.

Dynablade: Yeah, heh heh heh, they're gonna die, heh heh, heh heh. Fire! Fire! (pause) Aagh! (changes channel again)

(Back in the studio)

Bulbasaur: My first guest is on a mission to stop the insanity, please welcome Susan Powter.

(Monitor lowers; Susan appears, eating a bowl of pasta salad)

Susan Powter: (to person off-camera) Yup... a little salt would be good. (stands up and walks off camera)

Bulbasaur: Hello Susan. Susan? Charmander, what's she doing?

(Cut to control room. Monitor shows Susan getting out of her seat :)

Charmander: (in control room) She's eating pasta salad.

Squirtle: Perhaps she saw your face and decided to split, Bulbasaur.

Bulbasaur: Squirtle, just remember who has Pikachu on their speed dial!

Squirtle: Oh yeah?

Charmander: Enough! Susan's back!

(Susan is back on the monitor)

Bulbasaur: Susan, welcome to the show. I take much pleasure in knowing you.

Spanish Translator: (with subtitles) Mucho gusto en conocerte.

Bulbasaur: Tell us, who are you really? What's your secret identity?

Susan Powter: My secret identity? Um, well, I may as well, I may as well tell you here, sitting here with you, Bulbasaur. I'm really a transsexual, actually. I'm not a woman at all.

Bulbasaur: (blinks) Really?

Susan Powter: The real identity is me. It's, uh, about as much me as you can get, when I'm up on the stage.

Bulbasaur: So, do you have any super powers that you use to stop the insanity?

Susan Powter: Yeah, female intuition, the most powerful thing in the universe.

Bulbasaur: Yeah, right. You talk about women taking over the world. Is this something that I'll be forced to stop in the near future?

Susan Powter: (Laughs) Yeah, we're going to take over the world, so you're gonna have to battle us.

Bulbasaur: (slouch position, nodding) Susan, you have some food in your teeth...

Susan Powter: (cleans her teeth with her finger)

Bulbasaur: That's better. You were born in Australia, have you ever been snatched away by a pack of wild dingoes? (wild dingo howling sound)

Susan Powter: No, I, I, I escaped the bush narrowly. Narrowly escaped the bush.

Bulbasaur: I think we have some footage of you escaping the bush. Roll that clip, Charmander!

(Film clip rolls, from "Sakura Wars: The Movie"; silhouettes of Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur in movie theatre seats at bottom of screen, a la MST3000. Squirtle coughs throughout the clip)

Narrator: People are afraid to leave their homes. They cringe behind locked doors, trembling with fear! Wondering who the deadly 'bush' will strike next! Meantime, the hideous creatures are multiplying fast!

Squirtle: This actually isn't too bad. (clip ends)

Bulbasaur: My, that's frightening. What do your arch enemies look like, Susan? What scares you?

Susan Powter: Any freeze-dried yogurty, malty lookin' thing. Anything white and creamy freeze-dried, stay away from it.

Bulbasaur: Yes! I certainly will. You must be in awe of my super colossal strength!

Susan Powter: I'm in awe of any man that wears wristbands like yours.

Bulbasaur: Can you see every painful detail of my muscular physique?

Susan Powter: (laughs) You are a specimen! (laughs) In more ways than one.

Escargoon: She said 'specimen', huh, huh...

Dynablade: Yeah, heh, heh... heh, heh. I'll get it.

Bulbasaur: Thank you. Say, I was thinking of coming out with my own diet plan, do you have any advice for me to follow?

Susan Powter: Run fast, and uh, whatever it is ya eat, make sure it's high volume, low fat. (laughs) What do you eat, anyway?

Bulbasaur: Chemicals, tacos, fajitas, chimichangas, quesadillas, burritos, refried beans, flan, sopapillas, cheese dip, the speedy with beans, hot tamales...

Susan Powter: Well, that's what we eat too. Hey, it's the same thing. We're all eating chemicals.

Bulbasaur: Yes, they help me do my job.

Susan Powter: And what do you do?

Bulbasaur: I run and save Pokemon from peril.

Susan Powter: Why doncha come on down and help us here, 'cause we're dying! (camera zooms in at end of sentence)

Bulbasaur: Will do, Citizen. Thanks for being on the show, Susan, and good luck stopping the insanity.

Susan Powter: Well, good luck saving the planets, and please help us here, 'cause we really do need your help.

Bulbasaur: Okay! Don't go away, we'll be right back.

: INTERRUPT FEED

Greetings, folks. The storyteller is back with a whole new segment. It's…

Ask the Big Banana

Bulbasaur: (as the Big Banana) Welcome, folks. Our guest today is Patrick Star from "Spongebob Squarepants." (Enter Patrick) So, Patrick. What's your question?

Patrick Star: (As he talks, he starts foaming at the mouth) Well Bulbasaur, I want to say something. I think your show is killing real entertainment. Back in the old days, I used to drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on, not letting anyone else say anything until I start foaming at the mouth and falling backwards. (Does so) Ohhhhh…..

Bulbasaur: Well…… Alrighty! Now, back to the show!

: START FEED

(Charmander watches Squirtle on monitor; various satellite coordinates are displayed on the screen)

Bulbasaur: Alrighty! My next guest is from South Park, he is a comedian, please welcome back Kyle Broflouski.

(Kyle appears on the monitor; Squirtle and the Way Outs play, Kyle stares in disbelief)

Kyle: (to Squirtle) Dude, what is wrong with you?

Squirtle: Does my music frighten you?

Kyle: No!

Squirtle: (laughs, a la Beavis and Butthead)

Bulbasaur: I'm terribly sorry. Welcome Kyle, I trust the particle transformation was comfy, do you have enough oxygen?

Kyle: Absolutely, Bulbasaur, I'm just fine, thank you for asking.

Bulbasaur: You're welcome. Tell us, are you keeping busy?

Kyle: I certainly am, uh, I travel all throughout the world, uh, you know, doing my comedy. (laughs)

Charmander: (laughs)

Squirtle: (laughs)

Bulbasaur: (laughs) Say Kyle, what would your mother think of you being on my show?

Kyle: (imitating his mom) Oh my God, we turned on the TV this afternoon and guess who we saw? Bulbasaur! Interviewing my bubby! It was crazy! I don't get it. Are you involved with the FBI or something? Mmm-mm-mm!

Bulbasaur: Kevin, I have many powers and a colossal bulk that frightens villains, what do you have that will impress us?

Kyle: Well, Bulbasaur, I have an incredible head of hair. (Takes his hat off, exposing his hair)

Spanish Translator: (with subtitles) Tengo un peinado increible.

Squirtle: (not impressed) Astonishing. (laughs)

Bulbasaur: (Grits his teeth, aims a ray at Squirtle)

Kyle: Holy crap! Bulbasaur! Don't do that!

(Bulbasaur blasts Squirtle with his Solarbeam)

Squirtle: Ouch!

Bulbasaur: Already done!

Kyle: I... think you've crossed the line here.

Bulbasaur: Yeah, whatever.

Kyle: Bulbasaur!

Bulbasaur: Kyle, I wear nothing but a cape.

Spanish Translator: (with subtitles) Me visto con ma yas y capa.

Bulbasaur: I wear nothing but a cape. So what do you think of tight pants?

Kyle: Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Tight-Pants-wearing Bulbasaur! (Imitates his mother) I don't like them one bit! Walking around the universe with tight pants on, it's not right! You're like a crazy person! What's wrong with you? What if President Kennedy finds out about this? He'll think the school has been infiltrated by Communist spies. And the Monsignor will be black-listed, and the Pope...

Bulbasaur: It's been a thrill having you on. Come back and see us again. (: INTERRUPT FEED)

Kyle: What do you mean, (: INTERRUPT FEED) you can't hear, I (: INTERRUPT FEED) Bulbasaur.

: INTERRUPT FEED

(Battle scenes from old "Pokemon" cartoons)

Male Announcer: You've seen 'em outwit Bulbasaur in horrendous Pokemon battles, now, hear 'em sing your favorite nursery rhymes and lullabies! It's Squirtle and Charmander! (picture of record album flies up on screen) Just listen...

(Inset of Squirtle singing, with song titles scrolling)

Squirtle: (sings, sort of)
Rock a bye Bulbasaur
Say your prayers,
My Squirtle Squad is arriving
and I will conquer you!
And the universe will be
MINE! MINE! MINE! (evil laugh)

(Song titles)

BA BA BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY
ROCK A BYE BULBASAUR
ROCKET-BYE BABY
CHARMANDER HAD A LITTLE LASER
GOODNITE, SLEEP TIGHT, TURTLE BITE
ANTENNA LOVE

Male Announcer: Like angels! Never before has such scum recorded such a masterpiece, one the whole family can enjoy! Here's another favorite...

(Inset of Squirtle and Charmander singing, with song titles scrolling)

Squirtle: Twinkle, twinkle, little...

Charmander: Star!

Squirtle: We know exactly where you...

Charmander: Are!

Squirtle: You can't run and you can't...

Charmander: Hide!

Squirtle: Because we'll find you, Bulbasaur, and the universe will be...

Squirtle & Charmander: OURS! OURS! OURS! (evil laugh)

(Song titles)

LITTLE BOY BLUE COME CONQUER THE WORLD
TWINKLE TWINKLE
WE'RE COMING 2 GET U
ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI
B-I-N-G-(OW!)
LA LA LA LA SQUIRTLE
SHARING MEANS GIMME!
GET TO BED NOW!
EENIE MEENIE MINEY CHARMANDER
DISGRUNTLED TURTLE
IT'S NOT EASY BEING MEAN
IF YOU SEE KAY TELL HER I CALLED

Male Announcer: Yes, just imagine... You'll be the envy of all your friends when you order this collector's item and play it really loud! Just send ninety-four dollars to the address on your screen.

(Screen graphic during voice-over)

JUST SEND $94.00
(PLUS $39.95 S & H TO)
SQUIRTLE & CHARMANDER
Sing the Nursery Rhymes and Favorite Lullabies
P.O. BOX 18748765122009
SPACE, THE UNIVERSE
668000112
Satisfaction Guaranteed or nearly all of your money back. Please
allow 3 to 4 millennia for delivery. Sharrock Records is a division of
Cogswell Cogs, Inc. Offer not available after curfew in sectors R or N.

Male Announcer: (reading really fast) Squirtle & Charmander sing the Nursery Rhymes and Favorite Lullabies, P.O. box one eight seven four eight seven six five one two two zero zero nine, space, the universe, six six eight zero zero zero one one two. Order now! That's right, only ninety-four dollars!

Female Announcer: Available at Murray's.

Bulbasaur: (at desk, watching commercial) Hmmmmm. That's expensive.

Charmander: How could this be? There are three of them!

Bulbasaur: Charmander! What is it?

Charmander: It's the blasted Bee Gees! (More satellite data is displayed on the monitor)

Bulbasaur: What? How can this be?

Charmander: They say you called them to be on the show!

Bulbasaur: Why, I never called... Squirtle!

Squirtle: Uh, I must go to the store to get butter and cheese.

Spanish Translator: (with subtitles) Tengo que ir a la tienda a comprar mantequilla y queso.

Squirtle: I must go to the store to get butter and cheese.

Charmander: Standby, Bulbasaur!

Bulbasaur: Hello, Bee Ghees, are you in good spirits?

Bee Gees: It depends on what we've been eating, Bulbasaur, it depends on the food. Come on, Bulbasaur, come on! (they all talk & laugh continuously)

Bulbasaur: (to himself) This is the Bee Gees, boy, if only we could really, just, fry them.

Bee Gees: (continue to laugh)

Bulbasaur: (zaps the Bee Gees) Hey fellas, I know a great Polynesian restaurant up the street.

Squirtle: I could go for a pu pu platter.

(Credits roll)

Well, that's it for my fan fic, unless anyone else have anything to say. Does anyone else have anything to say?

Bulbasaur: No.

Charmander: No.

Squirtle: (burned to a crisp) No.

Susan Powter: (shakes her head no)

Liane Cartman: (singing) No.

Escargoon: (In a deep voice) No.

Kyle: No.

Clefable: No.

Bebe: No.

Mr. Garrison: Stanky bitch.

Ike Broflouski: I pooped my pants!

Dynablade: No.

Scyther: No.

Butters: Uhhhh…………………………. No.

Fox: No.

Molly Hale: No.

Donald Duck: No.

Wigglytuff: No.

Satan: No.

Kirby: Yes. Uh, I mean, No.

Gyarados: No.

Patrick Star: No, no, no, no, no…..

Finished! Please R&R!