Before I begin this, I just want to say I'm sorry I didn't update any earlier. I just forgot. By next week I'll make up for lost time. And now…
(Credits roll at start of show, accompanied by Björk's singing)
(Control room; Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 is on Charmander's monitor)
Mark Hoppus: They were old people's sunglasses.
Charmander: Really?
Mark Hoppus: Yeah, you can buy them; you can buy them in Dallas airport.
Charmander: Cool.
Mark Hoppus: Yeah, and you put them over normal sunglasses. (Bulbasaur enters, holding a CD)
Bulbasaur: Charmander, can you make me a hundred copies of this?
Charmander: What is it?
Bulbasaur: It's the new Blink-182 CD. (Mark stares at Bulbasaur from Charmander's monitor) That the guy from Blink-182?
Charmander: Yes.
Mark Hoppus: Hello, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Hey, how's it goin'? (Mark gives him a "thumbs up" sign) Good. Charmander, we'll talk about it later. Hey! What's that? (walks over to a CD player in the control room)
Charmander: Oh, that's a, uh... what is that? (Loud noise off camera) What!
(Bulbasaur is holding Charmander in a head lock)
Bulbasaur: (talking quietly to Charmander) Now you listen to me. I could go to jail in Canada if Mark were to hear that I'm copying his CD. (glances over at Mark, who is watching them) Don't look at me! We're talkin' about dragons. (To Charmander) So you take Mark out to the set while I burn and verify these... (To Mark) these... dragons. (another loud noise as he releases Charmander)
Charmander: You don't know how to work it.
Bulbasaur: Charmander, I have a giant brain, which is able to reduce any complex machine into a simple yes or no answer.
Charmander: Okay, but that's not the CD burner...
Bulbasaur: (interrupting) Charmander... Yes.
Charmander: (pause) Alright. (Walks away)
Mark Hoppus: Thank you very very much, Bulbasaur, for having me on your show.
Bulbasaur: Sure, sure... wanna, wanna see how this works? (Bulbasaur presses a button; the CD player fires a brief ray, then falls over, explodes and catches fire.)
Mark Hoppus: (watches, slack-jawed)
Bulbasaur: Twenty. Yes.
(On the set, Charmander walks up to Bulbasaur's desk, talking in a lively DJ voice, with funky background music)
Charmander: Oh, yeah! Welcome to the Charmander Show!
Mark Hoppus: Thank you very much, Charmander.
Charmander: Thank you very much, Mark Hoppus, for sitting next to the lady! Of the century! Oh yeah!
Mark Hoppus: You're very self-assured; you're very much a new-age girl.
Bulbasaur: (off screen) Come on! (off screen explosion; music stops. Cut to control room. The CD player is still burning, flames are engulfing Bulbasaur) No! No! (Cut back to set) No!
Charmander: That is fascinating! (music starts again) Mark Hoppus, you are very very interesting, and very very perceptive!
Mark Hoppus: Really...
Charmander: So interesting and so perceptive that I think we will now fight with knives. (A large medieval looking knife pops into her hand; the music changes to a hard rock electric guitar beat)
Squirtle: (off camera) Yeah! To the death!
(The flaming CD player flies by Bulbasaur's desk, and crashes)
Bulbasaur: (runs onto set) That thing wasn't a CD burner to begin with. (Staring at Charmander holding a knife) What are you doing?
Charmander: (still doing DJ voice) I'm hosting the show!
Bulbasaur: With that knife.
Charmander: (in normal voice) Uh... yes.
Bulbasaur: Oh really.
Charmander: (clears her throat; knife is now gone. She resumes her DJ voice) Well hey, Mark asked me if he could see my knife, and Mark's doing a song about a knife, and he wanted to see what one looked like. Isn't that right, Mark? (Knife reappears in her hand).
Bulbasaur: (to Mark) Is that right?
Mark Hoppus: No.
Bulbasaur: 'Cause it sounds like a good idea. So do it.
Mark Hoppus: (shaking his head) No. (laughs)
Bulbasaur: Then I'll do it. (sings in low voice) I'm a kni-i-i-fe. Knifin' aro-o-o-und. Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-cut... (walks back and forth on stage, making "cut" sounds)
Mark Hoppus: Do you take those, those (motions with his hand)... intelligence pills?
Bulbasaur: (stops) I don't need intelligent drugs, Mark. Because I don't know what they are. Okay, Mark?
Mark Hoppus: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: But I will put anything into my mouth that is given to me. Whether it's supposed to go there or not. (sits down at his desk) Because... I'm different. (Mark stifles his laughter) Is that clear with everyone?
Mark Hoppus: Very.
Bulbasaur: Just different.
Mark Hoppus: That's because you're weird. (laughs)
Squirtle: (off camera) Whatch y'all doin'?
Bulbasaur: "Y'all"?
Squirtle: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: Where'd you learn to talk like that?
Squirtle: Hattiesburg.
Bulbasaur: What were you doing in Hattiesburg?
Squirtle: Kickin' it.
Bulbasaur: Oh really.
Squirtle: Yep.
Bulbasaur: Well, that's interesting.
Squirtle: It is interesting.
Bulbasaur: Mark, is that interesting?
Mark Hoppus: No.
Bulbasaur: See, Squirtle? We're not interested.
Charmander: (from control room, in her DJ voice, with funky background music) Well, I happen to think that it's very very interesting!
Bulbasaur: Charmander... it's over.
Charmander: Really?
Bulbasaur: Yeah.
Charmander: Okay, oh, and your wife's on the phone.
Squirtle: Your wife?! (laughs)
Bulbasaur: I don't have a wife.
Charmander: She says she's your wife.
Bulbasaur: Look, just tell this woman that she's crazy. Just because I'm famous and sexy doesn't mean that someone can just go and marry me the second I leave the room.
Squirtle: What room?
Bulbasaur: Look, listen everybody... (Stands up) please? Listen to me. I have a hit song about a knife... and yes, I'm married. And that is why I want you to hang up right now. (Mark is zapped off the monitor and replaced with Bulbasaur's wife, played by Björk) Thank you, Charmander. (to his wife) Hey, honey, how are you?
Björk: Do you like Iron?
Bulbasaur: Iron? Iron's my favorite food, you know that. Is that why you called me?
Björk: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: Oh great.
Björk: Can I sing in Icelandic?
Bulbasaur: Uh, not right now, honey, please, I'm, I'm right in the middle of a, um... giant Pokemon war.
Björk: I, I enjoy talking to you.
Bulbasaur: Yes, you do, but like I said, this space war, what can I do? Team Magma.
Björk: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: (waving) Yeah, so, you have to go now.
Björk: Okay.
Bulbasaur: Okay. So, I'll talk to you when there's peace. In Hoenn.
Björk: (pause) Yeah, and you like salmon or you like trout?
Bulbasaur: (pounds his desk) You know what, it doesn't matter. Because I love you so much...
Björk: Yeah?
Bulbasaur: ... that it's time for you to go to sleep.
Björk: Okay.
Bulbasaur: Because that's what it means to love a woman so much.
Björk: Okay, do you -
Bulbasaur: So, you believe what I'm telling you, right?
Björk: Shall I sing to you, or sing to -
Bulbasaur: Charmander...
(Charmander switches Mark back to the monitor)
Charmander: You got married?
Bulbasaur: Yeah, okay? Everything gets married. Even animals and spiders. And, just because they don't have cakes and suits and wedding parties and expensive rings, doesn't mean that they're not legally, ahem... married.
Charmander: (beat)
Bulbasaur: C'mon, fight me.
Squirtle: Doesn't seem like you love her. (Bulbasaur stares at Squirtle, who blinks)
Bulbasaur: Well, love is about compromises, Squirtle.
Mark Hoppus: That's right.
Bulbasaur: Compromising your future to the city council of Bethesda, Maryland. (beat) Cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut (scissor noise in background)
Mark Hoppus: (nods while Bulbasaur "cuts") But...
Bulbasaur: Look, marriage is about hiding in the kudzu behind your apartment, and not going in until the lights are completely out.
Charmander: Your wife's on the phone again.
Bulbasaur: Uh, tell her I exploded, and tell her it was very sad, and the last thing I said was "make sure my wife moves out of my condo."
Charmander: She says it's an emergency.
Bulbasaur: Emergency... patch her through
(Björk replaces Mark on the monitor)
Björk: I have to go to the toilet.
Bulbasaur: Okay. Now, you remember the difference between the toilet and the sofa, right?
Björk: I think so.
Bulbasaur: And remember how angry I got.
Björk: It smells like... bad eggs.
Bulbasaur: Because that's what happens when you boil the cushions of the couch you'd been urinating on.
Björk: Yeah'm?
Bulbasaur: Oh oh, and, as long as I've got you here, (does his power band move) tell that French DJ Tricky to move out.
Björk: What's his name again?
Bulbasaur: I don't know, he's your damned friend.
Björk: And I would love to introduce you to him.
Bulbasaur: I've met him. He's living on our couch, with the urine. And tell him to stop letting in strangers to listen to his new beats.
Björk: It makes all the children happy.
Bulbasaur: (in low voice) Honey, those aren't children; they're packets of cream cheese.
Björk: Sometimes I can't separate between the two, do you know that?
Bulbasaur: Yeah. I... wish I'd known that when we were just dating.
Björk: You have a mask, has anyone told you?
Bulbasaur: Uh, honey? I buried a present for you out in the yard.
Björk: Yeah'm?
Bulbasaur: Yeah. Why don't you go dig it up? (Mark replaces Björk on the monitor)
Squirtle: Hey, um... what'd you bury?
Bulbasaur: Her mother.
Squirtle: Cool.
Bulbasaur: No, Squirtle, it's just a bagel, she started calling "mother".
Mark Hoppus: (motions with mug, as in making a toast) Here's to getting hitched, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: (raises his mug) Yeah. Let's drink until our hearts stop.
(Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Mark drink from their mugs. Bulbasaur drinks for a long time, leaning backward. He takes a breath, then continues drinking)
Squirtle: Cool... well look, Totodile's coming' by in about five minutes, so, uh... I gotta skate.
Bulbasaur: What are y'all gonna do?
Squirtle: I think we're gonna smash light bulbs out by the dumpster.
Bulbasaur: Really? I'm gonna go with you.
Squirtle: Well... (sighs) You can't. You're not my friend.
Bulbasaur: We have things in common. Er, your girlfriend's still big into those trains, for instance?
Squirtle: No.
Bulbasaur: Well... what's she big into now?
Squirtle: Look, when Totodile gets here, why don't you just go run around or, hide or something'? I don't know, go to the kitchen.
Bulbasaur: I'm coming with you.
Squirtle: No you're not!
Bulbasaur: Then you're not going anywhere!
Mark Hoppus: You've got a, you've got a... (makes a oval motion around his nose and mouth)
Bulbasaur: What, Mark?
Mark Hoppus: (makes motion again) What's that? (Bulbasaur sighs; Mark motions again) This thing here.
Bulbasaur: (impatiently) It's a mouth, Mark.
Mark Hoppus: Well, anyway...
Squirtle: Totodile's here, see you later!
Bulbasaur: (shouting) What did I just tell you earlier?
Squirtle: (quietly) He's here!
Bulbasaur: (quietly) Oh, sorry man. (ducks down behind his desk)
Charmander: Hey, your wife's on the phone again.
(Björk replaces Mark on the monitor)
Bulbasaur: (quietly) Are they gone?
Björk: Yeah, do you get along with them?
Bulbasaur: (sits up again) What, are you kidding, they're my best friends! That's why I married you, so I wouldn't have them anymore.
Björk: Yeah, thanks for inviting me.
Bulbasaur: You're welcome, I didn't. Hey honey, I really wanna go outside and smash glass with my turtle friend Squirtle, okay?
Björk: What's his name again?
Bulbasaur: Squirtle, you know, he, he's my buddy from work?
Björk: Well, maybe you should stay indoors.
Bulbasaur: Look, I need this. For me. I feel like I'm in jail here!
Björk: I seem to, um, get the picture. If you know what I mean.
Bulbasaur: Well, I know what you mean. What exactly do you mean?
Björk: Um... enjoy, uh, refreshing time.
Bulbasaur: Enjoy refreshing what?
Björk: Time.
Bulbasaur: Fine, I will. And don't count on us ever getting married again.
(Mark replaces Björk on the monitor)
Charmander: So, are you going'?
Bulbasaur: No, she'd kill me. (Mark clears his throat, and holds up a black piece of yarn) Whatdya got there, Mark?
Mark Hoppus: It's a worm.
Bulbasaur: (whispering) Oh, god...
Charmander: Your wife's on the phone again.
Bulbasaur: Oh, you can just tell her that I'll be home no later than eight.
(Björk replaces Mark on the monitor, now sporting red hair and a different outfit)
Bulbasaur: Hey, honey!
Björk: (laughs)
Bulbasaur: You're different!
Björk: Yeah, just for a while.
Bulbasaur: Uh huh. Look, honey, craziest thing, heh heh. Another Pokemon war, if you can believe that, and it's... out by the... dumpster, uh...
Björk: Yeah?
Bulbasaur: Hopefully this will mean peace. But there's someone here who would love to listen to your mouth.
Björk: Who's that?
Bulbasaur: Her name is Charmander. (Charmander growls) Get down here, Charmander. (To Björk) She wants to ask you every little thing you know about ice.
Charmander: (walks toward Bulbasaur's desk) No I don't.
Bulbasaur: Yes you do.
Charmander: No, I don't!
Bulbasaur: YES, YOU DO! (Powers his Solarbeam, poised to fire)
Charmander: (pause) Yes I do.
Björk: I know quite a lot about things like that because I come from Iceland, which is a tiny place with only 280,000 people... (Bulbasaur flies off while Björk talks)
Charmander: (disinterested) Oh really.
(Bulbasaur is by the dumpster, Squirtle is sitting nearby)
Bulbasaur: Where's all the glass?
Squirtle: Eh... broke it all. I feel empty.
Bulbasaur: Well, here's some boxes. Let's break those down so that they'll store properly.
Squirtle: That's boring!
Bulbasaur: You don't know from fun. This is responsible!
Squirtle: I need what you have. (quietly) I need a woman.
(Sound of a cell phone ringing. Bulbasaur's cell phone is blinking)
Bulbasaur: Hang, hang on.
Squirtle: Someone that I can sell her organs to Black Sabbath.
Bulbasaur: Squirtle, please.
Squirtle: Make me some money.
Bulbasaur: (to his phone) Bulbasaur's cell phone.
Squirtle: You hear what I said?!
Björk: (over the phone) I have to say I'm a great fan of triangles.
Bulbasaur: Well, I have to say that I am a great fan of Chuck Norris, and he was in the Delta Force, and the delta was a triangle.
Björk: The one that came up when I was eleven.
Bulbasaur: Yeah! You know honey, all this talk about Chuck is making me want to get married all over again.
Björk: Yeah?
Bulbasaur: Because at the Beta Barn, you get 20% off for each marriage.
Björk: (long pause) And what's your name again?
(Bulbasaur is now standing on a hill, overlooking Budapest, Hungary. His monitor is there with Björk on it. Organ music plays)
Minister: In sickness and in health, until death do you part?
Björk: Yeah.
Minister: And do you, Bulbasaur, take this woman...
Bulbasaur: (punches monitor, it flies out of view) Oh no. (pause)
Squirtle: (enters from off screen and punches Bulbasaur, knocking him down. Charmander is standing next to him) Oh no!
Charmander: (chuckles) Oh no! (reaches with her arm)
Squirtle: Don't.