BEGIN TRANSMISSION
AN
IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT
CONCERNING
THE FUTURE OF
POKEMON
COAST TO COAST
Bulbasaur: (walks in) Greetings, citizens! I'm Bulbasaur, with an important announcement to make. (clears his throat; talks quietly) We're broke. (violin music begins) That's right, the Pokemon Coast to Coast show is out of cash. So tonight our regular show has been preimmunized for a special Pokemon telethon. If you love me, or have ever loved me, or ever plan to love me in the future, I urge you tonight, to please stay tuned, pledge generously, to help keep Pokemon alive in the U.S.A!
(In the commissary)
Squirtle: So, whattya gonna do if the show gets canned?
Charmander: Oh, I got a few irons in the fire.
Squirtle: Like what?
Charmander: They're remaking "Monster Rancher", only this time... he's a woman!
Squirtle: What're you talking about? There was always a woman!
Charmander: Oh. Uh, I'm gonna get some coffee.
Squirtle: You don't have any leads, do ya?
Charmander: Leave me alone!
Squirtle: YOU LIAR! YOU MADE THAT UP!
Charmander: LEAVE ME ALONE!
(Opening theme & titles; opening graphic sequence shifts to studio monitor as it is displayed)
Bulbasaur: You see, folks, hi-tech computer animation like this costs money. How much? I don't know, but trust me, it's one heck of a lot. And we're wiped out cleaner than a fat man's eatin' hand. (smile sparkles) So I turn to you, the viewers, in my chapter of need. I know you folks will call the numbers flashing on the screen below, and pledge your undying support.
CALL NOW!
(555) 555-CASH
Bulbasaur: Because you have a jug o' love for me, and you're thirsty for what I got! (makes kisses to camera)
PALLET
TOWN
(555) 555-GIVE
Squirtle: (wide-eyed) This is shameful, even to me!
Charmander: It's just so... wrong.
Scyther: Ahem. A-hem!
SUPPORT THE POKEMON
(555) 555-DEBT
Bulbasaur: Why, look, everybody! The Council of Anime is here! They'll be standing by to take your flood of calls.
Scyther: Yes! And every twenty dollar pledge r-r-receives a kissy-kiss, from your truly!
Mihoshi: Really?
BOSTEN
(555) 555-IBEG
Scyther: Yes, come over here, baby! Come a little closer, I want to smell what you've been eating all day!
Mihoshi: (whimpers)
Scyther: Liverwurst! Divine! (sniff sniff) Oh, and thick sliced cross cut of bologna! How fragrant!
HELP!
(555) 555-MOOLAH
Mihoshi: Oh, you...
Squirtle: I'd pay twenty bucks to hear Scyther shut up!
Scyther: And you need to get over yourself, lover!
Bulbasaur: (pause) Our goal tonight is a mere seventeen and a half million dollars!
RUMYUNGYUNSONSON
(555) 555-PAYUP
Scyther: Tell me, Bulbasaur, you oafish lunkheaded clodpate, you tr-r-ruly believe that you can r-r-raise that much wampum in such a paltry amount of time?
Bulbasaur: Yes indeedy! I'm putting my money where my mouth is!
CALL THIS MINUTE
(555) 555-GREEN
Bulbasaur: I'm going to start us off by donating the proceeds from the sale of three pints of my (echo effect) Super Pokemon Blood! (end echo) Charmander, let's go to the big board.
Charmander: (throws lever) (numbers spin on the "DON'T GIVE UP the MON" tote board, with the final total showing :)
$36.10
Bulbasaur: (subdued) Woo whee.
SECTORS R OR N
(555) 555-BROKE
Bulbasaur: (taps his cards) And I'm sure we'll be adding it up with our first performer. So make that pledge now, folks, while we bring on funny man Karen Burton-Haskell! (Band music intro)
Molly Hale: Oooooh! Aaaaah!
DON'T BE CHEAP
(555) 555-BILLS
Karen Burton-Haskell: Thank you! Pokemon Planet, how are ya, Bulbasaur, very good to see you. It's great to be here, ladies and gentlemen, you too, Squirtle.
Squirtle: Don't you even look at me!
Karen Burton-Haskell: But, uh, Pokemon Planet, boy, this is something'. I can't believe I got a flight up here! (rim shot)
Bulbasaur: (laughs)
NEW ISLAND
(555) 555-DOUGH
Karen Burton-Haskell: But, it's great to be anywhere, I tell ya, the club I was workin' at last week? Big Jehovah Witness convention at the hotel I was staying' at.
Bulbasaur: (laughs)
Karen Burton-Haskell: And you know what I did? I went out after my show... What did I... Ah... sorry. (walks off stage)
PLEASE, PLEASE CALL!
(555) 555-POOR
Bulbasaur: Well, now, wasn't that... Karen Burton-Haskell, every one.
Dynablade: Bulbasaur! Somebody just called, and they wanna donate a billion dollars!
Bulbasaur: What's their name?!
Dynablade: Seymour Hiney.
Bulbasaur: Thank you so much, Seymour. Well, I guess we can wrap things up here.
SOUTH PARK
(555) 555-FUNDS
Squirtle: You idiot!
Charmander: It was a prank call!
Bulbasaur: Uh... Oh. I am now rescinding my thank-you. Council, accept no more calls from the Hiney family. Charmander, next performer! Toot sweety!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
(555) 555-GIFT
(Charmander throws lever, a Dutch test pattern appears for a split second before Leopold "Butters" Stotch from "South Park" is sent to studio monitor)
Bulbasaur: Greetings, citizen Next Performer.
"Butters": G-greetings.
Squirtle: Arrr, 'tis a scurvy pirate!
Molly Hale: O-o-o-o-o!
Dynablade: He's not a pirate, stupid!
"Butters": Actually, I'm dressed out of the Renaissance period...
VERMONT CALL
(555) 555-MONEY
Dynablade: A humanistic revival of art, literature, and learning in Europe which occurred during the 14th through 16th centuries. Tell me something I don't know!
"Butters": Can I show you some juggling while I'm here?
Dynablade: JUGGLING! OH BOY! DO IT! DO SOME JUGGLING!
USE YOUR PHONE!
(555) 555-BREAD
"Butters": (juggles three colored balls, accompanied by cheesy organ music)
Bulbasaur: Look, he's honestly juggling! Come on, folks, isn't this worth at least a few million?
Mihoshi: Ooh, watch him juggle!
(Big board total drops from $36.10 to $31.10)
Bulbasaur: Hey wait a second, the total just went down five dollars!
¿AL SUR DE LA FRONTERA? LLAMA:
(555) 555-PESO
Charmander: Uh, I know, I... just rented "Cabin Fever". I hear it's awesome.
Dynablade: Oh, I wanna see that!
Charmander: It's rated "R", Dynablade!
Dynablade: Aw, poop.
(Dynablade's image on monitor is replaced by Fox McCloud)
Charmander: Oh!
Fox: Greetings, citizens!
Molly Hale: O-o-o-o-o!
Squirtle: Obscene fox call!
CALL, CALL, CALL!
(555) 555-BUSTED
Fox: Are you getting enough oxygen?
Bulbasaur: Look, Fox, I'm in the middle of my telethon right now.
Fox: You know, Tad, don't you think it's ironic that when I ask for money it's called begging, but when you drop to your knees it's called a telethon.
(following text displayed mirrored :)
MUSHROOM
KINGDOM
(555) 555-P3&-$%8
Bulbasaur: Yeah, how about that? Ain't that somethin'?
Fox: I got something' I can do for your telethon. How about I decorate your back window with a little of my lasers?
Bulbasaur: How about if I throw a fish on the floor and you eat it!
WE ACCEPT FOODSTAMPS!
(555) 555-PENNILESS
Dynablade: That's okay, Fox, I'll do it. I like fish!
Fox: (shakes his head) I'm outta here. (image fades from monitor)
Bulbasaur: Um, uh, let's keep things moving. Uh, Charmander, how about another guest?
(Monitor shows a test pattern, followed by Coco the Electronic Monkey Wizard)
Coco: Charmander!
(Charmander throws the lever, which sends Coco away and sends Bob Saget and Robbie to studio monitor)
Bulbasaur: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for...
Molly Hale: O-o-o-o-o!
MIDGAR
(555) 555-SPEND
Bulbasaur: Uh, Bob Saget and Robby!
Ventriloquist Dummy: Hey, how ya doin'?
Bulbasaur: Um, your little friend just, um, talked.
Ventriloquist Dummy: (to Bob) Little friend, who's he talkin' to?
Squirtle: It's a puppet!
Bulbasaur: A puppet! Did you say a puppet?
Bob Saget: Yes, puppet.
COUNTERFEIT BILLS NOT A PROBLEM!
(555) 555-CHANGE
Ventriloquist Dummy: Puppet. P-p-p-p-p-p-p.
Bulbasaur: AAAA! THE PUPPET TALKS! SQUIRTLE! THE PUPPET TALKS!
Ventriloquist Dummy: P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p. P-p-p-p-p-p-p.
Bulbasaur: (blasts Bob and Robby from the monitor; "Butters" reappears, holding three knives)
Molly Hale: O-o-o-o-o!
"Butters": One, two, three, here we go. (starts juggling the knives)
Molly Hale: (screams)
TOPEKA
(555) 555-BUCK
Bulbasaur: Bless you, Santa, it's the Juggler!
Molly Hale: (continues screaming)
Scyther: Oh, Molly Hale, please continue that shrieking, because it can't possibly be more annoying!
"Butters": (still juggling knives) Now, I have a confession to make here, I have never really figured out a way to stop this. So, uh, any ideas?
REMEMBER, NO $$$, NO POC2C
(555) 555-STRAPPED
Charmander: Uh, let it fall on your head.
Squirtle: Yeah, do that.
Charmander: Mmm, that might be dangerous.
MARS
(555) 555-ROCK
Squirtle: Hey, throw 'em up really high, and catch 'em in your mouth.
Charmander: But be careful.
"Butters": (still juggling knives) There we go.
Bulbasaur: (blasts Russ on monitor)
"Butters": Oh! (drops the knives) I missed that.
Bulbasaur: Council of Anime! Any calls?
Council of Anime: No!
YOUR GIFTS ARE TAX DEDUCTABLE
(555) 555-LOOPHOLE
Bulbasaur: Well, then, I guess we can take a break for some commercial messages.
Squirtle: Telethons don't have commercials!
Bulbasaur: And Pokemon can't talk, Squirtle, (switches to Squirtle voice) SO WELCOME TO THE ASYLUM!
Squirtle: (stares back wide-eyed)
INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION
RESUME TRANSMISSION
MTV
(555) 555-JACK
Bulbasaur: And we're back. Charmander, how are the phones?
Charmander: (whispering) Silent, like crabs.
Squirtle: Yes, like crabs.
Bulbasaur: (This is worse than the time you had to battle Team Rocket bare-bottom to the thumbtack factory.)
MOM! PLEASE CALL!
(555) 555-ALLOWANCE
Bulbasaur: (What can I do to save this series?) Council of Anime? (charges Solarbeam) Give me your money!
Scyther: No! I shan't give you a penny.
Molly Hale: O-o-o-oh no!
Dynablade: Okay, here's my allowance.
Donald Duck: (squawks and slams fist)
HALE BOPP
(555) 555-HELP
Mihoshi: You still owe me money!
Scyther: (mocking) You still owe me money! You still owe me money! Ah, there it is again, the acrid putridity of Mihoshi's chronic halitosis!
Mihoshi: (whimpers)
Scyther: SHUT THAT STENCH-HOLE OR I SHELL GAG!
Bulbasaur: (None of this is real.)
UNDERTAKER
PLEASE DO NOT CALL
Karen Burton-Haskell: (back on stage) Pokemon Planet, how are ya? Bulbasaur, very good to see you. (band music plays)
Bulbasaur: Karen Burton-Haskell, everybody.
Karen Burton-Haskell: Ladies and gentlemen, it's great to be here, good to see ya. You too, Squirtle.
Squirtle: Feh.
Karen Burton-Haskell: But, man, Pokemon Planet, finally, finally get to be on Pokemon Planet.
MISSINGNO
(555) 555-CREDIT
Bulbasaur: Phones are open, folks.
Karen Burton-Haskell: I can't believe I got a flight up here. (rim shot)
Bulbasaur: (laughs)
Karen Burton-Haskell: But, uh, gol, I keep forgetting about that Jehovah Witness thing.
THINK OF THE CHILDREN
(555) 555-SAUR
Squirtle: Nice try, freak.
Karen Burton-Haskell: I'm sorry; I was off my mark anyway. (Walks off stage, in front of Bulbasaur's desk)
(Bob Saget reappears on studio monitor, with an Elvis dummy)
Ventriloquist Dummy: (sings) Goodnight, oh-h-h-h!
Bulbasaur: Phones are open, folks.
LITTLE ARTHUR
(555) 555-KWACHA
Charmander: (looking at weather map on control room monitor) You see, these drops are falling in between these lines here, and you might want to keep an eye out for this big "H", 'cause that's where heaven is.
Bob Saget: Well, we can do "Viva Las Vegas", but we, uh, I have it on cassette.
(Shot of the Big Board, total is still at $31.10)
GIVE UNTIL IT HURTS
(555) 555-PENCE
Bulbasaur: I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to kill you, because we're not getting any calls, and you're the nearest scapegoat.
Bob Saget: Oh, okay.
Bulbasaur: (blasts them off the monitor) (subdued) Well, what else can I say, except... (looks at his blue card) Ladies and gentlemen... (band music plays)
NEW CHICAGO
(555) 555-KYAT
Squirtle: Oh, no!
Bulbasaur: Karen Burton-Haskell.
Karen Burton-Haskell: (walking onto stage) Thank you.
Dynablade: Oh, you're welcome!
Karen Burton-Haskell: Thank you, Pokemon Planet; it's great to see everyone. Even you, Squirtle.
COMEDY AIN'T FREE, YOU KNOW
(555) 555-HAHA
Squirtle: Shine on, you crazy diamond. (rim shot; Karen looks around)
Bulbasaur: Phones are open, folks.
Karen Burton-Haskell: Guys, we cannot pick up women in fast food restaurants. There is only one person who can pick up a girl at the salad bar at Burger King. That person, of course, is... (turns around, puts on wig)
PARADISE
ISLAND
(555) 555-SHEKEL
Dynablade: Karen Burton! Karen Burton! You, Karen Burton! Karen Burton!
Karen Burton-Haskell: (turns around, wearing Kramer wig) Kramer, from "Seinfeld".
Bulbasaur: Kramer!?
Dynablade: Oh boy, an impression!
Mihoshi: You see, he's gonna act like Kramer from "Seinfeld", but he's really not.
NO MORE I.O.U.'s PLEASE
(555) 555-ZLOTY
Dynablade: Aw, what a gyp.
Karen Burton-Haskell: (doing Kramer gestures and voice) Cucumbers. Roughage. Cool! So, can I buy you a pie? Aaaaa!
HYRULE
(555) 555-RUPEE
Bulbasaur: (In my head, where it's safe a warm, I'm making lots of money.)
Karen Burton-Haskell: ... Oh, yes. (phone rings in background) (normal voice) I've never done anything where absolutely nobody laughs.
Charmander: Welcome to Pokemon Coast to Coast.
Bulbasaur: Oh, they're laughing' alright.
Dynablade: Bulbasaur! There's a call!
Bulbasaur: Is it one of those Hineys?
Dynablade: Um... yes.
METROPOLIS
(555) 555-JANE
Bulbasaur: ARGH! THAT'S IT! (pounds desk) I've had it with you people! I do this Hindenburg of a talk show each week, and where does it get me? Humiliation City, population one. LISTEN UP READERS: IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY, I'M... gonna... uh, SHOOT DYNABLADE!
DO WE HAVE TO THREATEN YOU?
(555) 555-PAIN
Dynablade: I didn't do anything bad! (sobbing) I don't wanna be shot!
Bulbasaur: What am I doing? Dynablade, I, I am sorry.
Dynablade: It's okay, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: It is? Well then... (blasts Dynablade)
COPPERSTONE ISLAND
(555) 555-GIVEIT
Dynablade: Aaaaa! (blam!) Yeow, that smarts.
Bulbasaur: There! See? See what you people made me do? (Dramatic drum roll, Big Board counts down)
All: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!
CHECK UNDER THE CUSHIONS
(555) 555-NICKELS
Molly Hale: O-o-o-o-o!
Squirtle: Happy New Year!
Bulbasaur: Whoa, mama! Come on, come on, come on, c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! Yes! (digits start to reveal themselves, total is larger than $31.10)
$814,375.76
Bulbasaur: Yes! (pounds his desk)
$-814,375.76
Bulbasaur: Wh- wha, whu, but th-th-th-that's impossible, Charmander, because we...
PARIS (NO HARD FEELINGS?)
(555) 555-FRANC
Charmander: Well, the big board cost fifteen thousand, and there's the added phone lines, teamsters, catering from KFC. The blue screen for Karen Burton, that cost ten grand, plus she took a cab. The weather graphics, "Cabin Fever" rental, the Council's fees, and, oh yeah, the eighty thousand dollar Ming dynasty vase that Dynablade is about to knock over.
Dynablade: Dig this, Ming, I'm sick of your dynasty! (sound of vase breaking)
(Lights go black)
Bulbasaur: Charmander, what's going on?
Charmander: Um, they cut the power.
(Credits roll)
Mihoshi: (whispers) Hey! Let's all take off our skins! (laughs)
(Cash register sound)