: WAITING
Bulbasaur: (sitting at desk, reading a speech) ... but most of all, I'd like to take a moment to thank the one person who's made all of this possible... (close up) me, Bulbasaur! Thank you, me!
Charmander: Ten seconds, Space Ghost.
Bulbasaur: Okay, everyone, on your toes, let's be really great tonight. I can see it now... first, the Fanfiction Awards. Then the Emmy, Tony, Oscar, Lulu, Dean Martin roast, Secret Squares, Star Search, spokesmodel...
Dynablade: Hey!
Bulbasaur: Aaugh!
Dynablade: All hail Dynablade!
Bulbasaur: No!
Dynablade: Let Dynablade do the intro! Live from Pokemon Planet, it's Dynablade!
Bulbasaur: No!
Dynablade: Let Dynablade sing the theme!
Bulbasaur: No, no, no, no!
Dynablade: La la la la la la la la la!
Charmander: You're on!
(Opening theme & titles; Dynablade sings along)
Bulbasaur: (Runs in to set) Who let that little creep on? Didn't anyone listen to what I said? Didn't I just get through telling you, I want this show to be as smooth as a baby's...
Squirtle: Bulbasaur!
Bulbasaur: What?
Charmander: Like, we're on the air, man!
Bulbasaur: Er, uh, what? But, but I'm not ready! That, that little creep threw me off! Quick, start over!
Charmander: What?
Squirtle: You jerk, Bulbasaur, we're live! You can't start over!
Bulbasaur: Er, er, um, uh, well then, uh, everyone close your eyes!
Squirtle: What?
Bulbasaur: Close them!
Squirtle: Oy gevalt! (closes eyes)
Bulbasaur: (to you) You too, home Citizens!
(Quick! Turn off your monitor for 10 seconds!)
Squirtle: Bulbasaur!
Bulbasaur: Okay now, open them!
Squirtle: (eyes still closed) Aaagh! Ayee! My eyelids are encrusted shut! Help me! Help meeeee!
Bulbasaur: (in low voice) Ten seconds and already this one's in the toilet. (normal voice) Oh, er, um, Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! (laughs) Woopsie daisy! As you can see, things are a little bit zany tonight, a little wacky, a little kooky (ripping sound)
Squirtle: Wacky?
Charmander: Kooky?
Bulbasaur: And that's because tonight's show's a real doozy! My guests are sassy comedic chanteuse, Sandra Bernhard, and... wait a second... Charmander, is this right? A mere hardware store owner, on tonight's award-winnable doozy?
Charmander: His name is Palmer Mills... nice guy.
Bulbasaur: An average citizen? On my doozy? Charmander, what gives?
Charmander: Eh, we got him dirt cheap.
Bulbasaur: (sighs) Uh, well, besides that star-studded line-up, we've added oodles of exciting new features to our show.
Squirtle: What a load of...
Bulbasaur: What's that, Squirtle? What are these loads of excitement? Well, for starters, we have a live studio audience here in the studio! Completely live! (applause) We'll also be taking your live calls and questions, here at the Pokemon Planet, live! (phone rings) Not now!
(Subtitles:)
do not call in...
this is a fan fiction series
what are you, stupid?
Bulbasaur: And finally, we'll have a human sacrifice! (does double take) What?
Squirtle: (evil laugh) Live!
Bulbasaur: Not happening, funny boy.
Squirtle: Rats!
Audience: (boos)
Bulbasaur: Before we start tonight's incredible show, let's say hello to our live studio audience. (shows audience full of Squirtles) Baba ghanoush, it's the lone audience of the Unown! Squirtle, do you know these people?
Squirtle: Nein! Nein! What are you inferring, Bulbasaur?
Uncle Judy: (in Southern accent) Squirt-le! Squirt-le! Ovah heah!
Aunt Lars: Hi, Squir-tle!
Squirtle: Oh, uh, hi, Uncle Judy, Aunt Lars. Uh, sorry about Raymond.
Aunt Lars: That's okay, we was gonna eat him up anyway.
Audience: (laughter)
Bulbasaur: I don't find that funny.
Squirtle: Don't be such a jerk, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: That's the second time you called me a jerk tonight!
Squirtle: Oh, my, Bulba Jerk can count!
Audience: (laughter)
Bulbasaur: Don't call me a jerk, Squirtle! You... you... you jerk!
Squirtle: I'm not a jerk! You're the jerk!
Bulbasaur: No, you are!
Squirtle: You are!
Bulbasaur: You are!
Squirtle: You are!
Bulbasaur: Jerk!
Squirtle: Jerk!
Bulbasaur: Jerk!
Squirtle: Jerk! (Bulbasaur and Squirtle repeat "Jerk!" faster and faster until…)
Bulbasaur: Enough... We've wasted too much award-winning time! Charmander, first guest! Get Sandra on!
Charmander: Yeah, whatever. Jerk!
Bulbasaur: My first guest is that wild and crazy girl of the minute, former star of her own multi-something extravaganza, Sandra Bernhard!
Audience: (applause)
Charmander: Sorry, man, she, she's not ready.
Bulbasaur: Oh, this is great! Just dandy! Now I'll have to talk to that ordinary guest guy!
Salesman: (appears on monitor) For your free copy...
Bulbasaur: (monitor changes again, shows Palmer Mills) Who's that?
Charmander: It's your guest.
Bulbasaur: Oh, terrific! Whoopee! Welcome to the show, plain old average garden variety non-celebrity citizen whoever.
Palmer Mills: Glad to be with you today.
Bulbasaur: Yeah, I bet you are, Joe Plainfolks. (condescending) So, you own a hardware store! How nice! Any interesting stories to tell?
Palmer Mills: I thought you'd ask that...
Bulbasaur: Nope, didn't think so. You know, I could bench press you from now 'til doomsday. What do you think of that, average citizen?
Palmer Mills: (stunned silence) Well...
Bulbasaur: Think it'll rain today? How about those New England Patriots? Better yet, how about those Detroit Tigers? Boxers or briefs?
Palmer Mills: Well, that's a rather pointed question...
Bulbasaur: Well, isn't that what you average citizens talk about, hmmmm, huh, hmmmm? Answer me!
Squirtle: Bulbasaur! He's a guest!
Bulbasaur: Some guest he is! Look at him; he's mundaning up my whole show! How can I win any awards with material like this? This show needs oomph, pizzazz, joy d'vivre! Charmander! Is Sandra ready yet?!
Charmander: Well, um... no.
Bulbasaur: Plan B! Take some calls! (phone rings, he answers) Welcome to my shoe, caller, what would you like to talk to me about?
Caller 1: Actually, I wanted to ask Mr. Mills what he thinks of Tim Allen.
Palmer Mills: Tim Allen... let's see, he doesn't, he doesn't have a store in our, our town.
Audience: (laughter)
Charmander: (laughs)
Squirtle: (laughs)
Bulbasaur: Hey! I do the jokes here! Next caller! Hello? You're on the air with Bulbasaur!
Caller 2: (actually Scyther) Hello? Hello?
Bulbasaur: (recognizing that it's Scyther) Okay, I see how it is.
Caller 2: Uh, hello, Mr. Mills? What would you suggest using for eradicating giant turtles?
Squirtle: What! Is that you, Scyther?
Palmer Mills: Sevin dust. Malathion. Either one of those would be great for it.
Bulbasaur: Hmmm! Sevin dust in metal can. I'll have to remember that. Hey, you know something, Joe? That reminds me, maybe I should come to your store. I need to replace my... Orgone... Zargon... Zargonite...
Squirtle: (laughs)
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Bulbasaur: I know how to say it, earthling! I am a talk show host, y'know. I know how to say things! I can say lots of things! Tuna fish! Parentheses! Coochie-coochie girl Molly Hale! Zingnut Ranch!
Palmer Mills: Zorgonute Branch.
Bulbasaur: That cuts it, Hardware Boy! No skinny pink boy's gonna tell me how to say things on my show! CHARMANDER! GET HIM OFF!
Audience: (boos)
Squirtle: Sheesh! What a jerk!
Bulbasaur: EVERYONE BE QUIET OR I'LL CLEAR THE STUDIO! CHARMANDER! SANDRA BERNHARD! NOW!
Charmander: She went out for... knishes.
Bulbasaur: (pause) Okay, okay, I think we should take a break. Now, let's go to break.
Dynablade: (appears on monitor) Hail, Dynablade!
Charmander: Hail, Dynablade!
Audience: Hail, Dynablade!
Bulbasaur: Not Dynablade, break! Break!
Audience: Hail Dynablade! Hail Dynablade! Hail Dynablade! ...
Bulbasaur: (sighs) I'm an unhappy Togepi...
: INTERRUPT FEED
: START FEED
Charmander: (in control room) Sorry about Bulbasaur, man, he's, he's being' a real jerk today.
Palmer Mills: I was a little bit blundersome on some of them, wasn't I?
Charmander: Oh, no, no, you were great, you were great. Are we still on for going fishing'? Is this weekend good for you?
Palmer Mills: Any time, any time.
Audience: (applause)
Bulbasaur: Squirtle! I'm warning you!
Squirtle: (makes raspberry sound)
Charmander: Ix-nay, Ost-ghay.
Bulbasaur: Oh, hi! Heh heh, we're back to the show, where any day now my guest will be the lovely Sandra Bernhard. In the meantime, let's take some more calls, from you, the viewers. Hello, you're on the air.
Caller 3: Hello, can I, can I speak to Mr. Mills?
Bulbasaur: Sorry, he's off the show. Next!
Caller 4: Uh, yes, I have a question for Miss Bernhard.
Bulbasaur: Sorry, she's not in yet. Do you have a question or comment for me?
Caller 4: (hangs up, off-hook busy signal)
Bulbasaur: (sullen) Doesn't anyone want to speak to me? I'm the host... (angry) NEXT CALLER!
Caller 5: (sexy female voice) Hello, Squirtle?
Squirtle: Yes?
Caller 5: Play "Misty's Song" for me.
Squirtle: Aaaagghhhh!
Bulbasaur: Next caller!
Caller 6: Is your refrigerator running?
Bulbasaur: What a stupid question! Of course it is!
Caller 6: Better go catch it!
Audience: (laughter)
Charmander: (laughs)
Squirtle: (laughs)
Bulbasaur: I don't get it. What's so darn funny?
Squirtle: What a jerk!
Bulbasaur: Hello!
Caller 7: Paging Bulbasaur!
Bulbasaur: YOU! Haven't I told you never to call me here? CHARMANDER! HANG UP! (Charmander throws switch) Next caller.
Caller 8: (actually Ash and Misty) (off-hook busy signal) Jerk!
Bulbasaur: Next call!
Caller 9: Hello? Mr. Bulbasaur?
Bulbasaur: Heh! It's for me! Yes, Citizen?
Caller 9: Mr. Saur, I'm calling about your long distance service.
Bulbasaur: Ack! Not interested!
Caller 9: If I could just have a moment of your time...
Bulbasaur: Blow off, wage slave.
Caller 9: (shocked) Jerk! (slams receiver)
Squirtle: Why are you such a jerk tonight, Bulbasaur? Is it the loneliness?
Bulbasaur: Well...
Audience: (laughter)
Bulbasaur: Hey! I'm not lonely! And I'm not a jerk!
Squirtle: Yes, yes! You're the loneliest jerkiest jerk! You're King Jerk!
Bulbasaur: Squirtle!
Audience: (laughter throughout)
Squirtle: Lord Jerk! Emperor Jerk! Pope of the Jerks!!
Bulbasaur: SQUIRTLE!
Squirtle: Jerk-meister, jerk-arino, jerk-enstein, jerk-o, beef-jerky, jerky beefaghetti boy, jerk-a-mundo!
Bulbasaur: I am rubber, Squirtle, and you are glue!
Squirtle: Only the Grand King Jerk would say that!
Bulbasaur: (phone rings) Charmander! The phone!
Charmander: (laughs)
Bulbasaur: Charmander!
Charmander: (still laughing) What?
Bulbasaur: The phone!
Charmander: Oh, yeah, can you get that?
Bulbasaur: Oh, okay (answers the phone) Hello? (no response) Hello!
???: Hello, Bulby!
Bulbasaur: That, that voice!
???: Do you know who this is, Bulby-kins?
Bulbasaur: Good Lord! I know that voice! But it can't be! You're...
???: In the mental hospital? Oh no, Bulby boy, not anymore! I escaped last night!
Bulbasaur: Eh, uh, now look, Belle...
Squirtle: Belle? Who's Belle?
Bulbasaur: Ohhh, just evil, pure and simple, that's all. Let's not discuss it.
Squirtle: Evil Belle?
Bulbasaur: No, she's my... (dramatic sting music) ex-girlfriend!
Squirtle: Evil twin?
Bulbasaur: Yes, my ex-girlfriend! Bellossom! Doesn't everyone have an ex-girlfriend?
Charmander: No.
Squirtle: Not me, brother.
Palmer Mills: No, no, no.
Bulbasaur: (pause) Ah, we walk alike, we talk alike...
Squirtle: (sings) What a crazy pair!
Bulbasaur: Then, one day, Sakura and Li made her lose control.
Bellossom: (still on phone) Bulby, do you remember when we were dating, how I would make you cry. The ropes, Tad, remember the ropes? How I'd twist them and twist them, and keep twisting them until...
Bulbasaur: (nervous laughter) Can't talk now, Belle, got a talk show to do, you know. (hides under desk)
Bellossom: Wait for me, Bulby, wait for me, I'll be right over! (evil laugh; then hangs up, off-hook busy signal)
Squirtle: (long pause while everyone looks in shock at the empty studio) Uh, Bulbasaur,
Bulbasaur: (still under desk) Uh, yeah?
Squirtle: Is your ex-girlfriend a jerk too?
Audience: (laughter)
Bulbasaur: (sits back down in his chair) I've had it with you, Mr. Funny Turtle! You don't want me to win any awards, do you, Mr. Funny Turtle?
Squirtle: "Mr. Funny Turtle"?
Audience: (in unison) "Mr. Funny Turtle"?
Sandra Bernhard: (now on screen; she laughs; then exchanges stares with Squirtle)
Bulbasaur: Sandra, can't you see I'm in the middle of something?
Sandra Bernhard: (stares at Squirtle)
Bulbasaur: (pause) Sandra! Charmander, why didn't you tell me she was ready? Uh, hello, Citizen Sandra! It's about time. I mean, welcome to the show!
Audience: (applause)
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Squirtle: Hey Sandra, what do you call Bulbasaur drinking a root beer?
Sandra Bernhard: Um...
Squirtle: A soda jerk!
Audience: (laughter)
Bulbasaur: Hey! I want a big laugh like Squirtle! Charmander! Get me a big laugh!
Charmander: (throws switch, a really feeble single voice laugh comes out)
Bulbasaur: That's a big laugh? Eh, heh, uh, Sandra, tell me about your super-powers.
Sandra Bernhard: My super-power?
Bulbasaur: Yes, yes, your super-powers!
Sandra Bernhard: I can psychically read every thought inside of your mind right now, if you have any... wait, I have to take a moment to see if you're actually thinking.
Bulbasaur: (closes his eyes and thinks) (Need food, I'd love some tacos, mmmmm, chicken tacos! Refried beans!)
Sandra Bernhard: Love some tacos, chicken tacos, refried beans... And a chimichanga!
Bulbasaur: Aaaaah! She's scanning me! (Sandra laughs) Sandra, stop that! Get out of my mind! You're freaking me out!
Sandra Bernhard: I'm the kind of girl you don't bring home to mother. Understand?
Squirtle: She's alright!
Charmander: She is alright!
Squirtle: That girl's al-l-l-right! She's real people!
Bulbasaur: Ehhhh, yeah.
Sandra Bernhard: That's one of my super-powers.
Bulbasaur: Ahem! Let's take a call for Sandra. Hi, you're on the air!
Caller 10: (heavy breathing) Sandra, can you tell what I'm thinking?
Sandra Bernhard: Oh, I know what you're thinking, but the author doesn't want a lemon. Uh, I think.
Bulbasaur: Let's have some serious calls, please! Next caller! Hello?
Caller 11: (actually Dynablade) Do you have Prince Albert in a can? (Sandra laughs)
Bulbasaur: Don't encourage them, Sandra! Next caller! We're speaking with Sandra Bernhard!
Caller 12: Um, yeah, what's, uh, what's on after this? My back button's not working on my computer.
Bulbasaur: Next caller!
Caller 13: (female voice) Yeah, can I see your muscles?
Bulbasaur: Why, of course! Admire my wonderful...
Caller 13: Not yours, hers, you jerk!
Bulbasaur: Oh.
Sandra Bernhard: (rolls up sleeve) Okay, well, I'm not going to show you all of them, but I will show you this one. (flexes bicep) Not bad, huh?
Bulbasaur: (sarcastically) Yeah, great, Sandra. Next!
Squirtle: Jerk!
Caller 14: Mr. Bulbasaur? This is John "Bradshaw" Layfield...
Bulbasaur: Charmander! Next call!
Caller 14: Hello? (feedback increases)
Bulbasaur: Caller, turn down your set!
Caller 14: Hello-o-o?
Bulbasaur: What's wrong with you people? Next caller, now!
Caller 15: The tingler, the tingler is loose in the theatre, scream, scream for your lives!
Squirtle: (screams)
Charmander: (screams)
Audience: (all scream)
Bulbasaur: (screams)
Sandra Bernhard: Wow!
Bulbasaur: Everyone all right?
Squirtle: Yeah, I think so.
Bulbasaur: Sandra, years from now, when you talk about this, and you will, ple-e-ease, be kind!
Salesman: (appears on monitor) Oh, there we are... (zaps off again)
Dynablade: (appears on monitor) All hail Dynablade!
Bulbasaur: All right! That's it! I've had it! CHARMANDER! STOP THE TAPE!
Dynablade: Waaaahhh! You hurt Dynablade's feelings!
Bulbasaur: This isn't a talk show, it's a freak show! GET OUT! GET OUT, ALL OF YOU! THE SHOW'S OVER! OUT WITH YOU!
Audience: (booing and grumbling)
Squirtle: Good luck getting an award for this one, Space Ghost!
Bulbasaur: I DON'T CARE! I DON'T NEED ANY AWARDS! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! I'm Bulbasaur, the rest of you are all cogs, extras, faces in the crowd, 9-to-5 nobodies! You're all cannon fodder, you hear? You're the guys in red shirts on "Star Trek". GET OUT!!!!!!! (sound of everyone leaving the studio) Well, I sure blew it. I'll never get any awards after this fiasco! Never never never! It's so unfair! I feel like such a jerk! (pause) Why, it sure is creepy in here, with no one around. (pause) Hey! If I'm all alone here... then who's behind the camera?
Bellossom: Hello there... Bulby! (evil laugh)
Bulbasaur: (gasps)
(Credits roll)
Squirtle: She's alright
Charmander: She is alright!