: START FEED
Charmander: (Sneezes; every time Charmander sneezes, she shoots fire)
Squirtle: Sixteen.
Charmander: (sneezes)
Squirtle: Seventeen.
Charmander: My nose is stopped up.
Squirtle: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: (walks in) Walk in... (Walks out) Walk out... (Walks in) Walk in... There, seems okay now.
Charmander: (sneezes, flames Bulbasaur)
Bulbasaur: Ahhh! Crimony! What's the ruckus, Squirtle?
Squirtle: What ruckus? (Charmander sneezes again, flames Bulbasaur again)
Bulbasaur: (crisped) That ruckus.
Squirtle: Oh. Charmander's sick. (Charmander sneezes again)
Bulbasaur: Bless you, Charmander.
(Opening theme music & titles; part way through, Charmander sneezes again, and music & credits start fast-forwarding & rewinding, and playing at various speeds. Bulbasaur walks in)
Bulbasaur: (laughs) (aside) That was odd. (aloud) Greetings! I am Bulbasaur. (smiles, light glints off his teeth) My guests tonight are recording artist and former "Tonight Show" band leader Branford Marsalis, and former "Digimon" member Matt Is-, Is-, Islada.
Squirtle: Hida! (Charmander sneezes)
Bulbasaur: Gesundheit!
Charmander: (snort) Thanks. (Squirtle plays Bulbasaur to his desk)
Bulbasaur: Squirtle, that... (final drum beat) was less than satisfactory. Explain yourself.
Squirtle: I... don't know. Don't look at me!
Bulbasaur: I am looking at you.
Squirtle: Well, don't. (Squirtle & Bulbasaur stare at each other; Squirtle blinks)
Bulbasaur: (Ding!) Hah! I win, Squirtle!
Squirtle: Grrrr...
Bulbasaur: Okey-dokey! My first guest, unlike Squirtle, is a talented musician. Please welcome Branford Marsalis. (Monitor lowers, but bounces repeatedly) Charmander! Bad director!
Charmander: I can't control it.
Bulbasaur: Have to use Vine Whip. (Fires his vines at monitor, it finally stops bouncing) Okay now. No more slip-ups. Remember, this is a professional talk show. (Someone drops a microphone, feedback ensues; Charmander coughs in background) (pause) Branford!
Branford Marsalis: Hey, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Hey right back at you, Branford. So how was the "Tonight Show"?
Branford Marsalis: It's was pretty good, sir.
Bulbasaur: That's terrific. Mazel tov!
Branford Marsalis: Thank you very much, Mr. Saur.
Bulbasaur: I see you're chewing gum.
Squirtle: Gum?
Charmander: Gum?
Squirtle: Gum!
Bulbasaur: Did you bring enough for everyone?
Branford Marsalis: No, but I'll have some shortly.
Squirtle: No gum?
Bulbasaur: So, did you enjoy being the "Tonight Show" band leader?
Branford Marsalis: Yeah.
Bulbasaur: Was it fun? Did you enjoy working with Jay Leno?
Branford Marsalis: Yes, yes.
Bulbasaur: In a way, you're like Ricky Ricardo, except without all that other stuff.
Branford Marsalis: Absolutely, absolutely.
Bulbasaur: So, what evil crime have you committed against Jay Leno to become his band leader?
Branford Marsalis: I don't, I don't know. I would, I... I really don't think I've done anything wrong.
Bulbasaur: (sound of gavel falling) Guilty! (crowd murmuring in background) So, what does Jay Leno do to help defend the universe?
Branford Marsalis: He doesn't do anything to help the universe. (Laughs)
Bulbasaur: This concerns me. So, what is he like, then?
Branford Marsalis: He has all the money, all the babes, all the cars. He's the host. He's just like you.
Bulbasaur: Hardly! I keep Pokemon safe; he doesn't! And, I have more trophies. (smiles, light glints off his teeth again)
Branford Marsalis: Oh, I'll tell his you said that, and I'll tell his wife too. (glare from Bulbasaur's teeth starts overloading the cameras)
Squirtle: Bulbasaur! Shut your big mouth!
Charmander: Aaaah!
(Quick! Turn off your monitor for 15 seconds!)
Announcer: (voiceover) We now join Pokemon Coast to Coast, already in progress.
Bulbasaur: ... something crawling on the table... (Looks up) Who was that?
Charmander: (sniffle) Some lady.
Bulbasaur: (quietly) Alrighty. (normal voice) So, Branford, you have a new album! Tell us about it!
Squirtle: Yeah, give us some gum!
Branford Marsalis: Yeah, it's a, it's a really nice album; it's a very dramatic departure from what I usually do. It's more like a, a pop album.
Bulbasaur: Uh huh.
Branford Marsalis: There's a lot of strange mixes on there...
Bulbasaur: Speaking of strange mixes, you know what I had for breakfast this morning?
Branford Marsalis: No, I don't.
Bulbasaur: A sausage and mayonnaise soup, with a cream of corn omelet. (Groans and grumbling voices in background)
Charmander: Oh, no, stop, don't!
Bulbasaur: Some milk I left out in the sun for a week...
Charmander: (sounding nauseous)
Branford Marsalis: Oh, come on, don't do that, man!
Bulbasaur: And some fuzzy bread.
Charmander: I'm gonna be sick! ("hurling" sounds)
Bulbasaur: Charmander! Damage report!
Charmander: I just hurled!
Branford Marsalis: Oh, man!
Squirtle: Gross.
Bulbasaur: I... think it's time to take a break. Charmander! Not in the control room!
: INTERRUPT FEED
: START FEED
Bulbasaur: (playing "Sonic Heroes" on monitor; exits game) Okay, we're back with Branford the Branford.
Branford Marsalis: Kick it.
Bulbasaur: Branford, I wonder, did Doc Severinson ever showed up and offer useless advice and mess with your horn section?
Branford Marsalis: Well, Doc gave me some really good advice right before, uh, the show started...
Bulbasaur: (laughs) That Doc! You've gotta love him.
Branford Marsalis: Yeah, he's, he's, he's hype, he's dope, he's, he's crazy.
Squirtle: (in "rapper" outfit, with "scratch" noises) Mrrrrr, stick 'em!
Bulbasaur: (stares at Squirtle) So, Branford, do you have musical knowledge to share with Squirtle?
Branford Marsalis: Well, not the kind of knowledge you're referring to, but... (laughs)
Bulbasaur: What's so funny?
Branford Marsalis: Oh, sorry, were you... nothing, were you saying something, Mr. Saur?
Squirtle: He was asking you, where's Squirtle's gum? For me! Mine! My gum! Mine, not yours!
Branford Marsalis: Squirtle, never eat anything larger than your head. (to Bulbasaur) How's that?
Bulbasaur: Not so good.
Branford Marsalis: (surprised) What do you mean?
Bulbasaur: Would you care to join us for dinner after the show, Branford?
Branford Marsalis: Absolutely, what do we have, rabbit?
Squirtle: I will eat your liver, with some fava beans and a fine Chianti.
Bulbasaur: Er, right, right. (pause) Branford, I mean, Branford, before you go, will you scat?
Branford Marsalis: Well, it's gonna cost you, bro, you know I won two Grammies.
Squirtle: Make with the scatting!
Branford Marsalis: A one, a two, a one two three... (scats for 4 bars) (to Bulbasaur) Go!
Bulbasaur: (scats for 4 bars)
Squirtle: (scats for 4 bars) Take it, Charmander!
Charmander: (tries to scat for a couple bars) Take it, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: (scats again; Charmander sneezes, and Branford's image is replaced by Matt Ishida from Digimon)
Charmander: Bulbasaur... (Bulbasaur keeps scatting) Bulbasaur!
Bulbasaur: (stops) Hey, that's not Branford! It's that Ishida kid!
Charmander: (sniffle) We lost Branford.
Squirtle: And the gum? (pause, then screams)
Bulbasaur: Okay, everyone remain calm.
Matt Ishida: Hello?
Squirtle: (finishes screaming) (to Charmander) You idiot!
Charmander: Sorry.
Squirtle: Shut up!
Matt Ishida: Hello?
Bulbasaur: Hello, citizen Matt!
Squirtle: (in background) Shut up!
Charmander: (in background) Sorry.
Bulbasaur: So, what have you been up to lately?
Matt Ishida: Hi, Bulbasaur. Well, I, I've been very busy, but before I even say what I've been doing, let me just say I have been on with some of the biggest talk show hosts in the world...
Squirtle: (to Charmander) What?
Matt Ishida: ... and this is an honor for me.
Bulbasaur: Okay.
Matt Ishida: Just kidding! Ha!
Bulbasaur: Listen, you have been in some trouble, haven't you, young man? In fact, you're very lucky to even be on my show. Don't you think you should thank me?
Matt Ishida: Ha ha ha ha ha... Very funny...
Bulbasaur: I'm serious, Matt. Thank me.
Matt Ishida: That makes me nervous.
Bulbasaur: I'm waiting...
Matt Ishida: Thank you.
Bulbasaur: Thank you, Bulbasaur.
Matt Ishida: Thank you, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: That's more like it. So, Matt, what super-power helped you battle the anime child star syndrome?
Matt Ishida: I used the power of invisibility.
Bulbasaur: I have that.
Matt Ishida: Oh, no kidding!
Bulbasaur: Would you use this super-power to help other child star victims?
Squirtle: (to Charmander) Shut up!
Matt Ishida: No, because I have met other anime child stars, and I've got to say that it's my personal opinion that they pretty much are getting what they deserve.
Squirtle: Like Todd?
Bulbasaur: Who?
Squirtle & Charmander: (laugh)
Bulbasaur: Matt, do you mind my asking how much you made from all those years as a Digi-destined?
Matt Ishida: I've got about two hundred bucks and a lunchbox.
Bulbasaur: That's it? That show made truckloads of cash! Boy, did you get rooked!
Matt Ishida: Tai and Kari, Mimi, Sora, that's where all the money went.
Bulbasaur: It's pathetic how they treat talent in Hollywood.
Matt Ishida: Right, uh, talent, personality, and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee.
Squirtle: [No talent and no personality will get you a talk show]
Bulbasaur: [Uhhhh...] Matt, what was your favorite thing about 2000?
Matt Ishida: The beginning of 2001.
Squirtle: (in "punk" outfit) Whip it, whip it good!
Bulbasaur: [Uhhhh...] Matt, what is your favorite song to perform live?
Matt Ishida: We actually have a couple. "867-5309/Jenny" is one of our favorites. By the way, if you call that, you actually get an old lady in Arizona, it's very cool. (Starts singing it)
Bulbasaur: Ewww! Ewww! Joke's over!
Old Lady: (phone rings, she answers) Hello? Hello? Hello!
Charmander: (laughs, then coughs)
Bulbasaur: I understand you're in music now. Plug your band!
Matt Ishida: Um, let's see, uh...
Bulbasaur: Wait for it... Go!
Matt Ishida: My band's name is -- (screen zaps, replaced by a scene from Chance Pop Session)
Bulbasaur: Now what?
Squirtle: Oh, um, sorry. I was sitting on the remote.
Bulbasaur: (quietly) So, we lost Matt. That's okay. (screen zaps back to Matt)
Matt Ishida: Hello?
Bulbasaur: Oh. You.
Matt Ishida: (laughs)
Bulbasaur: Say, Matt the Matt?
Matt Ishida: Yes sir, Bulbasaur?
Bulbasaur: What did you want to become when you were a kid?
Matt Ishida: When I was 6, I really only wanted two things. I wanted to be a policeman...
Squirtle: [Lousy screw!]
Matt Ishida: ... and, uh, to punch out Tori Avalon, or really any member of the Avalon family.
Squirtle: When I was a baby, I wanted to be the all-powerful Pokemon League Champion! (Crown appears on his head)
Charmander: Me too! (Crown appears on her head also)
Squirtle: And, to have some gum.
Bulbasaur: Do you know what gum is?
Squirtle: Nnnnnnnnnnno... But I want some!
Matt Ishida: Have you ever met Tori Avalon, Bulbasaur?
Bulbasaur: I'd... (crown appears on his head) I'd rather not talk about it. (crown disappears)
Matt Ishida: Got it!
Bulbasaur: Matt, you sound rather hoarse. Perhaps you've got The Sick of Charmander!
Charmander: What?
Bulbasaur: Maybe I should take a look. Say "Ahhhhh!"
Matt Ishida: Ah.
Bulbasaur: Louder, please.
Matt Ishida: AaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (glass breaks all over the studio, alarms go off)
Bulbasaur: Okay, everyone remain calm.
Squirtle: Bulbasaur! (gets pulled out of his seat, flies across room) Wheeeee!!
Matt Ishida: You know, I, sort of after this, Leno sucks.
(Credits roll)