: WAITING
Mewtwo: (in control room) Hi, I'm Mewtwo. I'm the director for today.
Joyce Brothers: Uh huh.
Mewtwo: And I have an addiction to... fire.
Joyce Brothers: Playing with fire can really be harmful to you, to me, to your studio, to everything that you hold dear.
Mewtwo: Hmmmm, give us a kiss.
Joyce Brothers: All right. (Closes her eyes)
Mewtwo: (leans forward, hits the screen, breaking it)
Joyce Brothers: (laughs)
Mewtwo: Huh?
(Opening theme music & titles)
Bulbasaur: (walks in) ¡Hola! I am Bulbasaur. On this show I've gathered a panel of therapists to help Squirtle. (Lowers voice) He's evil.
Squirtle: I am not!
Bulbasaur: Yes you are!
Squirtle: I am not!
Bulbasaur: Yes you are!
Squirtle: (pause) Yes, I am! (evil laugh)
Bulbasaur: See? (Way Outs play as Bulbasaur walks to his desk) ¡Hola! (laughs) Alrighty! My first guest is Dr. Joyce Brothers. You may have seen her on such shows as "Merv Griffin", "Mike Douglas", "Parker Lewis Can't Lose", "Tic Tac Dough", "Mr. Belvidere", "The X-Men", "The X-Files", "ALF", "The Tonight Show", and "True Stories of the Highway Patrol".
Squirtle: (sighs) Page two. "Bay Watch", "The $5 Pyramid", "The $20 Pyramid", "The $100 Pyramid",...
Bulbasaur: Welcome her! (screen lowers)
Squirtle: ... "Joker's Wild", "Weekend at Bernie's", "The Four Hundred Blows",...
Bulbasaur: Welcome to the show, Dr. Brothers.
Joyce Brothers: Well, I...
Squirtle: ... "Flubber", "Clockwork Orange", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang", "The Man from Snowy River"...
Joyce Brothers: That's wild! (Laughs)
Squirtle: Why are you here? (continues to talk in background)
Bulbasaur: Yeah, why are you here?
Joyce Brothers: Because people need so much help.
Bulbasaur: Correct! So, what's new, Dr. Brothers?
Joyce Brothers: Everything. Uh, I have a new book, called "Positive Plus, The Practical Plan for Liking Yourself Better", and I know, Bulbasaur, there's no way you could like yourself better than you do.
Bulbasaur: Not even for money. Hey, isn't Squirtle handsome and nice?
Joyce Brothers: No he's not.
Squirtle: Yeah! No I'm not!
Bulbasaur: (in low voice) Dr. Brothers, can you work with me here?
Joyce Brothers: Okay!
Squirtle: Paul Harvey...
Bulbasaur: I'm trying to mend his evil ways.
Squirtle: ... Paul Harvey... Paul Harvey!
Bulbasaur: What about him?
Squirtle: Eh, he's good, don't you think?
Bulbasaur: Do you have any aspirin, doc?
Joyce Brothers: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
Squirtle: Hello America, page two, and that man was Walt Disney, and that's the rest of, the story. (keeps talking in background)
Bulbasaur: (in low voice) I said, I'm rehabilitating Squirtle, he's really quite evil. Can you help me?
Joyce Brothers: If he's an evil amphibian, then he's only evil every seven years, so, just enjoy him between the seven years.
Squirtle: I'm a turtle!
Bulbasaur: He's right.
Squirtle: We're mean all the time!
Bulbasaur: Can you shut him up?
Joyce Brothers: No, but I can help them understand their minds, and that's what I'm trying to do with you, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Me? I'm fine! He's got the problem!
Joyce Brothers: Well, I'm not so sure you're okay, but the idea...
Bulbasaur: Of course I'm okay, I'm Bulbasaur!
Joyce Brothers: The idea is that people validate one another,...
Bulbasaur: Psychobabble. (Joyce stops talking) Look, lady, I called you in to help Squirtle, not me! You think I have the problem?
Joyce Brothers: Well, that is a great possibility.
Bulbasaur: (pause) How long have you hated men?
Mewtwo: (in control room) Rich... Rich!
Rich Hall: Yeah.
Mewtwo: You're up in two minutes.
Rich Hall: Mmm hmm.
Mewtwo: Time enough for a kiss!
Joyce Brothers: (in studio) And, your cape makes it really very difficult for people to divine your motivation.
Bulbasaur: (crassly) Do tell!
Joyce Brothers: Your motivation, for all we know, may not be as open as your publicity allows us to think.
Bulbasaur: You get paid for this?
Joyce Brothers: Yes, uh, you know, have you ever seen an ink blot?
Bulbasaur: Once, in Dothan, Alabama.
Joyce Brothers: I think they're fun to watch...
Squirtle: Excuse me...
Joyce Brothers: ...but I don't think they're psychic at all. I think some people...
Squirtle: Excuse me...
Joyce Brothers: ...are willing to look at all the information...
Squirtle: Excuse me... over here...
Bulbasaur: What!
Squirtle: Eh, where's Dothan?
Bulbasaur: On the way to Panama City!
Squirtle: Oh. Okay, thanks.
Bulbasaur: I'm sorry, so what about these ink stains you were blathering about?
Joyce Brothers: Well, you know, you project all your emotions onto that ink blot...
Squirtle: Excuse me...
Joyce Brothers: ...then therapist could read...
Squirtle: Um, excuse me...
Joyce Brothers: ...how you really feel.
Bulbasaur: (to Squirtle) What!
Squirtle: Is that in Florida?
Bulbasaur: Yes!
Squirtle: The panhandle?
Bulbasaur: Yes!
Squirtle: Okay, thanks.
Joyce Brothers: You know, we really are trained in every culture to look at people...
Squirtle: Uh, Bulbasaur...
Bulbasaur: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Squirtle: Paul Harvey.
Bulbasaur: (Grrrrr)
Joyce Brothers: So if you ask a little child who hasn't had...
Bulbasaur: You're... not gonna charge me for this, are you?
Joyce Brothers: Well, umm, actually, it would, I would send you a double bill because you have a split personality.
Bulbasaur: Ohhhh! So now I'm a schizo?
Joyce Brothers: (pause) It's very possible, um, you would know better than anyone else.
Bulbasaur: (chuckles) That's preposterous. I am not, nor have I ever been, a schizophrenic. (British voice) That's not true. (Regular voice) You be quiet. (British voice) Who's the lady? (Regular voice) Shut up! (British voice) Aren't you gonna introduce me?
Joyce Brothers: (laughs)
Squirtle: Mewtwo! Call the police!
Bulbasaur: I heard that! (British voice) No, you didn't!
: INTERRUPT FEED
: START FEED
Bulbasaur: (laughs) Alrighty! We're back! (pause) Hey Squirtle, that Dr. Brothers sure was a nut!
Squirtle: I thought she was incredibly informative and had many insightful observations about your behavior.
Bulbasaur: What!? Oh, I see. You think I'm crazy, don't you?
Squirtle: Er...
Bulbasaur: Go ahead Squirtle, say it.
Squirtle: Well, um, heh...
Bulbasaur: Say it!
Squirtle: Mewtwo?
Mewtwo: (in control room) You're up, Rich.
Rich Hall: Okay.
Mewtwo: Last chance for a kiss.
Rich Hall: That's enough, really, let's, uh, let's, let's draw the line there.
Mewtwo: Your loss.
Rich Hall: Thank you. (Mewtwo pulls the lever, sending Rich to the studio)
Bulbasaur: (at desk) Say it!
Rich Hall: Hiya Bulb, how's it goin'?
Bulbasaur: (in Clint Eastwood voice) Buckle up for safety.
Rich Hall: Alright.
Bulbasaur: Tell us about your book.
Rich Hall: Uh, it's a hundred and twenty eight pages of, uh, of all the major dysfunctions on our planet...
Bulbasaur: Say it!
Squirtle: Eh...
Rich Hall: ... uh, I'm trying to kinda, you know, put the fun back into dysfunction.
Squirtle: (pause) Heh heh.
Bulbasaur: Oh, I get it! Fun into dysfunction!
Rich Hall: A sense of humor's very important, Bulbasaur, and I can see that you're desperately trying to develop one, and that's good.
Bulbasaur: Hey, thanks!
Rich Hall: And, and you look very, very stylish in your cape, by the way.
Bulbasaur: What's that supposed to mean?
Rich Hall: Oh, no, I'm sorry; I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. No, really, I mean, I'm just saying' that from uh, one guy to another, you know.
Bulbasaur: No, I don't know.
Rich Hall: Well, Bulbasaur, you have to become a little more comfortable with your sexuality, and a little more confident in it, you know. I'm just giving you a compliment, it's not like I'm comin' on to you or anything, you know. I mean, you're a hero, I think you need some heroism confidence, in your, uh, sexuality.
Bulbasaur: (crassly) Oh, really, anything else?
Rich Hall: You need to, uh, you need to watch some more TV.
Bulbasaur: More TV, you don't say? Any certain way I should watch TV?
Rich Hall: Oh, Bulbasaur, ah...
Bulbasaur: Would you like to wear the cape, Rich?
Rich Hall: Uh...
Bulbasaur: (Long pause) Rich.
Rich Hall: Yeah?
Bulbasaur: Do a sniglet.
Rich Hall: No, I don't do sniglets anymore, uh, they're dead. Put 'em in the garage.
Bulbasaur: Make up a sniglet for Squirtle.
Rich Hall: (annoyed) I'm gonna let you enjoy your little self referential moment of mirth there, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: How about, Turtle Do Gooder. Is that a swell sniglet or what, Rich?
Rich Hall: (more annoyed) Are there prizes for these questions?
Bulbasaur: This isn't a game show, Mr. Hall
Rich Hall: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Bulbasaur: That's better.
Squirtle: Bite me! (pause) Oh, I'm sorry.
Bulbasaur: Thank you. Rich, tell us about your super powers.
Rich Hall: Uh, I have none, and I'm totally defenseless at this point to whatever, uh, assault Earth decides to commit against me, uh, I'm just a victim.
Bulbasaur: A victim of your own self pity.
Rich Hall: No, I just feel like, uh, I know my place on the planet and it's, it's very tiny, I think that...
Bulbasaur: That's sad.
Rich Hall: (tsk) Yeah.
Bulbasaur: Do a sniglet.
Rich Hall: No.
Bulbasaur: Okay. Why won't women talk to me?
Rich Hall: Well, the first thing that you need to do, is, uh, go all out and lie.
Bulbasaur: Lie?
Rich Hall: Use your imagination; just tell women what they want to hear, you know, you can always cover your tracks later.
Bulbasaur: But Rich, I always tell the truth.
Rich Hall: That's not what women want to hear. They wanna hear you drummed for Good Charlotte. Yeah.
Bulbasaur: That's not a sniglet, Hall.
Rich Hall: Um...
Bulbasaur: Go get me some breakfast!
Rich Hall: I'm sorry?
Bulbasaur: (zaps Rich off screen) Now, let's see, what's next? (looking at his leg) Hey, look at my leg! (covering & uncovering his face) Open, close, open, close, open...
Squirtle: Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Huh?
Squirtle: You have another guest.
Bulbasaur: Squirtle... I don't feel well, you do it.
Squirtle: Me? Honest?
Bulbasaur: Open, close, open...
(Cut to control room. Mimi Tachiwaka from Digimon is on the monitor)
Mimi Tachiwaka: (in control room) Pyro-, Pyromaniacs?
Mewtwo: Yeah!
Mimi Tachiwaka: They're hot.
Mewtwo: Would you kiss one?
Mimi Tachiwaka: Oh yeah, (smooch smooch) can I give you a kiss? (puckers)
Mewtwo: (blissfully) Oooooh!!!
Mimi Tachiwaka: Bye bye. (Waves) Say bye bye!
Mewtwo: Bye bye. (throws lever) I love you.
Mimi Tachiwaka: (Now in studio monitor; she laughs) Whoooooo! Alright!
Squirtle: Umm... er... uh... you are a human.
Mimi Tachiwaka: Yeah.
Squirtle: You are a female human.
Mimi Tachiwaka: Yeah.
Squirtle: You are a pretty female human.
Mimi Tachiwaka: Mm Hmmm.
Squirtle: Mm Hmmm, pretty pretty female human.
Bulbasaur: Mimi, I'm the drummer for Good Charlotte!
Mimi Tachiwaka: Well, I just wrote a song.
Bulbasaur: Well, I drum for a band.
Mimi Tachiwaka: Well, I just wrote a song.
Bulbasaur: Well I can speak French really loud! Je parle français très fort, no?
Mimi Tachiwaka: Oui?
Bulbasaur: Je peux ouvrir une boite d'épinards avec les muscles de mon derrière! (Laughs) (subdued) I used to be so pretty... in Paris. (French cafe music; inset picture of Bulbasaur in a dress)
Squirtle: So, what do you think of me, human?
Mimi Tachiwaka: Um, I think you're masculine but sensitive...
Bulbasaur: (starts singing "Frère Jacques" in background)
Squirtle: You do not know me, human! I am evil, therefore I am lonely. I'm just a lonely... drummer for Good Charlotte.
Mimi Tachiwaka: Alright!
Mewtwo: That's a lie!
Squirtle: Shut up, Mewtwo!
Mewtwo: The female human is mine!
Squirtle: What!
Mewtwo: I see what you're doing! Putting the lonely routine on to get the girl. You're lying!
Squirtle: Turtles don't lie!
Mewtwo: Do so!
Squirtle: Do not!
Mewtwo: Do so!
Squirtle: Do not
Mewtwo: Do so!
Squirtle: Do not!
Bulbasaur: (finishing "Frère Jacques") Dang dong dang! Dang dong dang!
(Credits roll. "La Marseillaise" plays in background)
Mewtwo: You've got a dumb head!
Squirtle: At least I have a head!
Bulbasaur: JUST SHUT UP!