Welcome back, friend! Did you miss me? storyteller51 missed you.

Just saw my friend Kirby the other day.

Didn't look too bad. Put on a little weight, but hey, who hasn't?

Sooooo….. When are you going to come up for some money for Kirby? He looked a little…shabby.

But enough about him. The good news is, I'm through my shaky period of writing. And now, the daring comedy classic…

Eat a Peach

WAITING

(In the commissary, Squirtle and Charmander sit at a table)

Charmander: Yeah, not that that's doin' anything for my bank account, but... (Clears her throat)

Squirtle: Figures.

Bulbasaur: (off camera) Squirtle? Charmander? (walks on camera, looking like he just shaved) Let me tell you the story of the birds and the bees.

(Charmander and Squirtle look at each other, and start laughing)

Squirtle: Wow.

Bulbasaur: Now, don't be like that. It's beautiful.

(Opening theme and titles)

(Bulbasaur walks to the set, looking normal)

Bulbasaur: Greetings, universe and beyond. I'm NHL goalie Martin Brodeur. On tonight's show: Bulbasaur! Now say hello to Squirtle and the Original Way-Outs.

(The band plays intro music as Bulbasaur walks to his desk)

Charmander: Bulbasaur, let me ask you something. How come you never introduce me?

Bulbasaur: Do what now?

Charmander: At the beginning of each show, you introduce yourself, you introduce Squirtle, I just thought it would be nice, one time, if you introduced me too.     (Bulbasaur and Squirtle laugh) What's so funny?

Bulbasaur: Charmander, Charmander, Charmander. You're only the director. No one sees or cares about you. Squirtle and I are the talent. (Squirtle sips from his mug)

Charmander: I thought you hated Squirtle.

Bulbasaur: I do hate you.

Squirtle: Hey Bulbasaur! Wanna hear a funny joke?

Bulbasaur: See, Charmander, this is what I'm talking about. (Charmander sighs in disgust) Quiet, Charmander, your heat will throw off his timing, and that's why you suck.

Squirtle: Alright, here we go. Er, uh, um... Knock knock?

Bulbasaur: Um, who's there?

Squirtle: (beat) Fuck you.

Bulbasaur: (beat) (Laughs) Well done, Squirtle. So anyway, Charmander, I'm always open to ideas which might make the show better.

Charmander: How about I come out at the beginning of every show and hit you upside the head with a hammer?

Squirtle: I'd watch that show.

Charmander: And light your teeth on fire and puncture your eardrums with golf tees until your spinal fluid leaks out.

Bulbasaur: Thank you, Charmander, but...

Squirtle: Can I do the hammer part? You can do the lighting his teeth on fire part.

Charmander: No, I do the hammer.

Squirtle: I do the hammer!

Charmander: (shouting) You ALWAYS do the hammer!

Squirtle: (shouting) I'm the hammer! Me! Squirtle is the hammer! Squirtle is the hammer! (starts to spaz out)

Bulbasaur: Alright, it's settled. Squirtle is the hammer, Charmander, you suck.

Charmander: (disgusted sigh)

Bulbasaur: Now, get off your ass and bring in my first guest... (The monitor starts to lower from ceiling) but not right now. (Monitor stops, halfway down) Hmmm. (Bulbasaur ducks behind desk, making rustling noises)

Squirtle: Where'd he go?

Bulbasaur: (more rustling noises) Charmander, the louder, the funnier.

Charmander: (disgusted) What?

Bulbasaur: Just do it. (Charmander throws lever. More rustling and crackling noises from Bulbasaur as he begins to hum to himself) I'm mumbling...

Charmander: What an ass.

Bulbasaur: (more rustling and mumbling; Squirtle looks on and glances at the camera momentarily; Charmander reads a book. Bulbasaur finally stands up) Turn it off, Charmander, there's nothing in it.

(In control room, a blonde youth waves in on Charmander's monitor)

Charmander: Turning off in 20 (throws her lever) 19... 18... 17... 16... 15 (Bulbasaur starts tapping his blue card each time Charmander counts)... 14... 13... 12... 11... 10... 9... 8... 7 (Bulbasaur taps his card twice, throwing off Charmander's counting) 6... 5'er (Bulbasaur starts tapping faster)... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0 (Throws her lever again: screen goes white, then returns) (Laughs) Alright, uh, let's see. (Throws her lever again)

Bulbasaur: (taps his card) I can't believe you said "ass", Charmander.

Squirtle: Bulbasaur, you're an ass.

Bulbasaur: (laughs) Mercy!

Squirtle: (stares angrily)

Bulbasaur: Love that line. Love that line. Now, what are we doing?

Charmander: (throws his lever, the control room monitor changes from Bulbasaur to a test pattern, then to Martin Brodeur) Uh, I've got Martin Brodeur.

Bulbasaur: Oh. (Looks at his blue card) Who's this guy, I've ne-. I've never seen him. Has he been on Regis?

Squirtle: Uh... I don't know.

Bulbasaur: Eh... Why don't we get him on the show? Screw Brodeur. (Monitor lowers with Martin Brodeur on the screen) We sure we need this guy?

Squirtle: Quit lookin' at me!

Bulbasaur: I've never even heard of this guy.

Martin Brodeur: (laughs) Um...

Bulbasaur: Hey, Brodeur! Good to see ya!

Martin Brodeur: Thank you.

Bulbasaur: (beat) (looks at his card) It says here you've got a car.

Martin Brodeur: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

Bulbasaur: Oh, you do. And it's nice. (whispers to camera) I washed it!

Martin Brodeur: Oh, gosh, thank you.

Bulbasaur: Thank YOU. (A Murkrow flies across the stage and lands on Bulbasaur's head and caws in the background) So, tell me about your private life.

Martin Brodeur: Uh...

Bulbasaur: I wanna, I wanna find out personal details.

Martin Brodeur: I don't know.

Bulbasaur: Answer me!

Martin Brodeur: Uh, I don't even know what I just said.

Bulbasaur: Yeah, I wanna call you later at home, you'll have to give me your home number, because I'm gonna ask you how much the Devils pay you. (Murkrow hops onto Bulbasaur's shoulder)

Martin Brodeur: 4.4 million.

Bulbasaur: You're kidding me. (Murkrow hops back onto Bulbasaur's head) That's weird.

Martin Brodeur: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you?

Squirtle: Uh, he said, "Screw you, you ass." (evil laugh)

Charmander: (laughs) Yeah, you're an ass!

Martin Brodeur: How'd you know my middle name? (Murkrow hops down from Bulbasaur's head, onto the desk)

Bulbasaur: Ah yes. (Murkrow caws; Bulbasaur caws back; Murkrow caws back) Brodeur, this crow is trying to tell us something. (Murkrow runs across desk and off camera)

Martin Brodeur: No. (Murkrow stands by curtains, cawing) Is that the cops coming'?

Bulbasaur: No, it's something about your car. (Runs over to Murkrow, caws at it, the Murkrow caws back) It's in danger.

Martin Brodeur: Are you serious?

Bulbasaur: Murkrows aren't interested in you, they like cars.

Martin Brodeur: Hey, who doesn't?

Bulbasaur: Shh! Hey, this is important. (Murkrow and Bulbasaur caw back and forth at each other for a while) Hmm, I better check on your car. (Runs off the set)

Squirtle: Hey, buddy! (throws a bottle at the monitor; it breaks on impact)

Martin Brodeur: Heckling's uncool. (Another bottle breaks on the monitor) Do you want people heckling you, while you're playing your keyboard... guitar? (Squirtle throws another bottle)

(Outside, Bulbasaur lands next to Martin's car)

Bulbasaur: Oh, that Murkrow was full of shit, this car's perfectly safe. Hey! A grocery store. (walks off camera)

(Back on the set, Squirtle throws another bottle, while Murkrow caws)

Martin Brodeur: That's not very funny. (Squirtle throws another bottle) I'm very tired, Charmander, Squirtle, you know what I'm talking about. (Squirtle throws another bottle) Squirtle, you know what I'm talking about.

(Squirtle throws another bottle; finally, the monitor goes black. Squirtle throws another bottle, and hits Murkrow; it stops cawing. Then, it leaps at Squirtle as dramatic music plays. Squirtle looks surprised. Murkrow hits Squirtle, and soon the two Pokemon are battling.)

(In the supermarket, Bulbasaur is rubbing melons)

(Back on the set, Squirtle and Murkrow are still battling)

Squirtle: Get your ass over here! (Dramatic music plays as Squirtle and Murkrow exchanges blows)

(In the control room, Charmander talks to Martin Brodeur on her monitor)

Charmander: Hell, even at the comic shop here in town, like the Charmander action figure is marked down fifty percent.

Martin Brodeur: No.

Charmander: It's the only one.

Martin Brodeur: That's more of this exposure thing you were asking me about?

Charmander: Well, they want, like seven bucks for it, so I guess they're selling it for, like, three-fifty or something.

Martin Brodeur: Nah.

Charmander: Sad.

(Back on the set)

Squirtle: Right here, buddy. (Shoots Water Gun at the Murkrow; it flies at Squirtle, knocking him down; and then starts pecking at his eyes)

(Back in the control room)

Charmander: I don't know, the Squirtle one is $7.95, so...

Martin Brodeur: Ah.

Charmander: I mean, they didn't even price Charmanders. (Set rocks from an explosion) I mean, they're all supposed to be priced the same.

(Back on the set, Squirtle laughs, as he chews on the now dead Murkrow's head.)

Martin Brodeur: Do you have some food for me?

Squirtle: (stops chewing) Hmm? Uh uh. (Continues eating the Murkrow)

Martin Brodeur: Hey, come on.

(Bulbasaur walks back to his desk)

Bulbasaur: I, I never shut my refrigerator door. I just ... (looks at Squirtle) Oooh, gimme some of that!

Squirtle: (stops chewing) Hmmm? Nah.

Martin Brodeur: What food are you gonna get? Can you get Thai food? I really like Thai food.

Bulbasaur: Squirtle, Charmander: huddle up.

(Harp music with scene transition; Charmander, Bulbasaur and Squirtle are now holding hands)

Bulbasaur: This guy's obviously hungry, but we shouldn't have to share our food. Squirtle, you tell him. You'll make it funny. On two. Ready? Break! (Squirtle says nothing) Ready... Break! Ready...

Squirtle: Hey, little man! Got a joke for ya.

Martin Brodeur: What would that be, I'm afraid to hear this one.

Squirtle: You're not getting any of our fucking crow. (Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle all laugh)

Bulbasaur: Well, thanks for coming on.

Martin Brodeur: That's it?

Bulbasaur: Yup.

Martin Brodeur: Come on.

Bulbasaur: How about a big hand for the hungry hockey player? (Bulbasaur blasts the monitor; Brodeur is replaced by a giant eye.) Isn't he great? Aw, hell. Damn it.

Charmander: What?

Bulbasaur: The bees; I forgot to tell the bees! (Runs off the set)

Later...

(Next to a dumpster surrounded by a swarm of bees)

Bulbasaur: Thank you, bees. I am looking forward to it. Oh, that's very kind of you, bees. Dicky said I could. What do you mean? I did too pay you back! Look, Jack, that is such BS. What do you want from me?!

(Transition to Martin Brodeur's car, now surrounded by bees)

Bulbasaur: It's got low mileage, and it does pull to the right.

(The car drives off suddenly. Banjo music plays, and we see the view through the windshield as the car roars down the street, through a stop sign, and finally crashing. The screen goes black)

Bulbasaur: (off camera) Okay then.

(Closing credits)

Even more good news for my fans! New episodes of Coast to Coast will be on every week in June! Starring…

50 Cent

Randy Travis

and Ol Kentucky Shark

All finished by July of this year!