(Caption: "SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC", with sonar "ping" sound in background. Fade in to darkened set; Bulbasaur is looking out the window.)
Bulbasaur: Charmander, what's our depth?
Charmander: (reading a book) Twenty thousand leagues, sir.
Bulbasaur: Take her to twenty-one.
Charmander: Twenty-one?! But, why?
Bulbasaur: Because it's more fantastical. (We hear the sound of someone banging on the bulkhead with a pipe) Don't answer it. It's evil Doctor Reef.
Squirtle: I'm answering it.
Bulbasaur: Don't. If you open that door, we'll drown.
Squirtle: Oh, yeah? Good. (He punches a big red button on the wall next to his keyboard. A door opens, and a driver-less forklift slowly drives in with a stack of lumber. It lowers the lumber by Bulbasaur's desk and slowly backs out, complete with "backup" beep sound. There is a long pause, then suddenly…)
Bulbasaur: My god! Wooden eels! Surface! Surface! (Charmander throws a switch in the control room) Speed up! No, not that fast! (Pile of lumber slides across the stage) Slow down! (Charmander throws lever again.) I'm blacking out! (Bulbasaur's voice echoes, as his image becomes a flashing black and white outline, which fades away to be replaced by background of stars)
(Return to lighted set. Squirtle is lying on the floor with eyes closed, next to the lumber pile)
Bulbasaur: Squirtle is dead! Murdered! (sound of crashing and mayhem) Charmander, serve the first course!
Charmander: Aye aye, Cap'n! Cole slaw, comin' up!
Bulbasaur: The only thing we can do now is eat. And bring out my first suspect.
(50 Cent appears on the studio monitor)
50 Cent: Thank you, Mr. Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Mr. 50, Squirtle's skull has been fractured. With what appears to be... (looks at pipe wrench that he is holding)... a wrench.
Squirtle: (wakes up) This dinner mystery sucks.
Bulbasaur: (jumps on Squirtle's head) Which was last in my hand. In the veranda. Where I was loosening the gas pipe.
50 Cent: (laughs) I see, Bulbasaur. (Bulbasaur and 50 Cent laugh)
Bulbasaur: Is it possible we surfaced too rapidly?
Squirtle: (stands up, holding a script) Rrreah! That's it. I'm not doing this anymore. This whole thing sucks.
Bulbasaur: What are you not doing anymore?
Squirtle: This! The whole thing with the sub. We're not underwater. I knew this was a dumbass idea.
50 Cent: Oh, man, you'd better not play that game with me; Squirtle could get a nice Jackie Chan chop right in the back of his neck.
Bulbasaur: Hang on, y'all. (Pulls out the pipe wrench)
Squirtle: What's that for?
Bulbasaur: Do not (hits Squirtle on the head with the wrench) disturb (hits him again) the judge! (hits him again; each time, Squirtle yells "ow!")
50 Cent: Dang!
Bulbasaur: God, that was violent. I blame... the sea.
50 Cent: You need to give me... a pair of them vine things you be running around the place with.
Bulbasaur: Why?
50 Cent: I'm gonna use 'em.
Bulbasaur: For what?
50 Cent: I might use 'em to hit you with 'em.
Bulbasaur: Okay.
50 Cent: Give 'em to me.
Bulbasaur: I will.
50 Cent: So let me have it.
Bulbasaur: I will.
(Charmander walks onto the set carrying a bowl of cole slaw)
Charmander: Where do you want this (Bulbasaur knocks the bowl to the floor, with a crash) ... Captain?
Bulbasaur: We're in silent running here.
Charmander: (LAUGHS) Okay, fine.
Bulbasaur: (shouting) Charmander! We are in silent running! Do you understand the concept of silent running?
Charmander: Eh, you want another one?
Bulbasaur: (whispering) Silent.
Charmander: Okay, fine.
50 Cent: So what are you giving me such a hard time with giving me the hardware?
Bulbasaur: What are you talking about? Charmander! Make a fire with these eels!
Charmander: Aye aye, Cap'n.
Bulbasaur: (quietly) But be quiet. We're underwater.
Charmander: No, we surfaced.
Bulbasaur: You handle the salads until you get killed!
Charmander: You told me to surface, so... that's, that's what I did.
Bulbasaur: (walking back and forth) Now, wood pile, did you or did you not masquerade as eels and shock Squirtle with that wrench? Answer me! (50 Cent laughs) Now what about these beans?
Charmander: Those must have fallen out of my hair. (Bulbasaur stares back in silence) Well, you're just making all this bullshit up. (Bulbasaur continues to stare) Oh, what, you're the only one that gets to make shit up? (Bulbasaur continues to stare; Charmander sighs) Those are part of the dinner.
Bulbasaur: No they're not. They're part of the plot.
Charmander: They were on the menu.
Bulbasaur: Murder is on the menu. Look, bean prints on the wrench. But what is the wrench for?
Charmander: That's where you were trying to fix the, uh, gas leak, and you made it leak.
Bulbasaur: Is that where I got all these ideas? 'Cause they're brilliant! Hey! Break all the pipes in the sub for more good ideas! (Bulbasaur breaks three more pipes with his wrench; gas fumes fill the "sub") Dive! Dive! Suck on the pipes! (klaxons sound)
50 Cent: I think Pokemon is still with it.
(Bulbasaur puts his head inside a broken pipe; his voice, and everyone else's, becomes high-pitched)
Bulbasaur: Hang on, 50! We're going underwater.
50 Cent: All right, Bulby.
Bulbasaur: Okay.
50 Cent: You little freaky...
Squirtle: (stands up, groggy) Uhh, ahhh... what happened?
50 Cent: Doing that little funny thing, you'd better watch that, man. (Bulbasaur hits Squirtle with the wrench 5 more times) You don't play no games from the year 2000 and change.
(Bulbasaur walks up and hits Squirtle three more times)
Bulbasaur: Look, I pieced it together. (50 Cent laughs) Squirtle wasn't dead, but now he is.
50 Cent: Crazy Squirtle, man.
Bulbasaur: And then you showed up.
50 Cent: Yeah, I know man, but, you know, you seem like a cool cat. You need to come and hang out with us so you can learn what that twitchin' is all about.
Charmander: (Jumps up on Bulbasaur's desk) Hey, don't stand on the floor. The floor is spoiled. Like milk.
Bulbasaur: (Hiding behind desk) This is so weird, isn't it? (50 Cent laughs hysterically) Hey... hey, 50. 50?
50 Cent: Yes?
Bulbasaur: (From behind Charmander) Remember when I licked the back of Jack's skull?
50 Cent: Jack? Who's Jack? Where... where did Jack come from?
Bulbasaur: I mean Squirtle. Squirtle was who I licked. No, wait, no, it was Dynablade. Ah, nobody cares.
(A second Bulbasaur appears behind Charmander, followed by many more)
Bulbasaur 2: Hey, let's go outside and do the show in the woods.
Bulbasaur 1: Okay.
(Cut to campfire in the woods)
50 Cent: I just think that this is, this... this, you know, this, the way the events have occurred in the last year has been really disastrous for, not just people, but, you know, entertainment and, you know, many other things on the whole, and...
Bulbasaur: (normal voice) I'm not getting one good idea.
50 Cent: I think that if we don't start...
Bulbasaur: Let's go back inside where the gas is.
(Cut to set. 50 Cent continues laughing hysterically in the background. Bulbasaur takes a deep breath)
Bulbasaur: Get up, Squirtle. (Throws Squirtle across set) The gas is giving me an idea. (Everyone's voices become high pitched again) Everything I do and say should be recorded by cameras. Do you think that Walt would be interested in that?
Charmander: (high pitched) Uh, Walt Disney's dead.
Bulbasaur: Who killed Walt Disney? With a wrench?
Charmander: No one.
Bulbasaur: Walt Disney makes me sweat. Is he gonna sue us?
Charmander: Walt Disney is dead!!
Bulbasaur: I know! My God, how many times do I have to tell you that? Hey, wood! (beat) We should build something.
Announcer: Seven hours later.
(Cut to set. Two boards are nailed together in an upside-down v shape. An extension cord is taped to one board.)
Charmander: Wow. What's it do?
Bulbasaur: It's symbolic, Charmander. Things don't always have to do things. Now, help me plug it into the wall.
Charmander: Look, uh, maybe we should just revive Squirtle and talk to the guest or something.
Bulbasaur: What? And just leave the eels here? That's insane. (Squirtle wakes up again) What happened to you?
Squirtle: I was hit with a wrench.
Bulbasaur: (hits Squirtle with wrench again) We have to get you to the hospital.
(Cut to a rave atmosphere. Psychedelic lights flash in the background, silhouetting Bulbasaur, Charmander and Squirtle. Spotlights pan across the set. "Ready to Go" by Republica plays)
Bulbasaur: What kind of hospital is this? (Three fireballs rise in front of them)
(Cut to Fearow)
Bulbasaur: What kind of a hospital was that?
Charmander: You just missed the turn.
Bulbasaur: Hold on, watch this.
(Bulbasaur blasts Fearow with Solarbeam, causing Fearow to crash in a ditch. Cut to view from Charmander's viewpoint; we see Bulbasaur with flames behind him)
Bulbasaur: Charmander, talk to me, are you okay?
Charmander: No, ugh, I'm hurt.
Bulbasaur: Oh, don't worry, I'll fix that.
Charmander: Ugh, I'm passin' out.
Bulbasaur: We have to get you to the hospital. (Echo and fade to black.)
(Cut to the produce section of a grocery store. Charmander and Squirtle are lying on the floor)
Charmander: Ugh. What's all this? Ugh...
Bulbasaur: You can pick anything. Pick anything you like.
Squirtle: I need toilet paper.
Charmander: Ugh, I need some flavor ice.
Squirtle: And pudding.
Bulbasaur: Did you see the lights flicker?
Charmander: (looks) No.
Bulbasaur: Look at it but don't blink.
Squirtle: (coughs)
Charmander: What are we doing?
Bulbasaur: Wait, did it just do it again?
Squirtle: I'm gonna go.
Bulbasaur: It did it again.
Squirtle: Don't follow me.
Charmander: Hang on, I'm going with ya. (Walks after Squirtle)
Bulbasaur: Not so fast. Roll call. Charmander.
Charmander: Dead.
Bulbasaur: Squirtle.
Squirtle: Eat me.
Bulbasaur: 50? Where's 50 Cent?
(Cut back to rave scene. 50 Cent is still laughing wildly.)
(Cut back to supermarket.)
Bulbasaur: This seems like as good a time as any to welcome our first new sponsor. (A second Bulbasaur walks in)
Bulbasaur 2: Natural gas. (A third Bulbasaur is hiding behind melons, laughing. A fourth pops up behind the produce section.)
Bulbasaur 4: It gives you some ideas. (More Bulbasaurs appear, including one in a tennis skirt. All of them laugh)
Squirtle: Shut up!
(Cut to set; we are looking at a heating duct)
Squirtle: (sounding far away) Shut up!
Bulbasaur: Where's Squirtle?
Charmander: He crawled into the heating duct.
Squirtle: You snitch!
Bulbasaur: Why? Turn up the heat.
Charmander: (Pulls lever; ventilation fans spin up)
Bulbasaur: (staring at duct) Good. (walks over to opening in the duct) Squirtle, get out here before I hit you.
Squirtle: No.
Bulbasaur: Charmander and I are out here doing my damnedest to put on the best talk show possible. And you're balled up in here like a big blue tarantula.
Squirtle: I ain't coming out, man.
Bulbasaur: How'd you fit in here? (beat) Squirtle?
Squirtle: I need to be alone.
Bulbasaur: Did you speak with the orb?
Squirtle: No.
Bulbasaur: Let me just touch your skin. (pulls out his pipe wrench)
Squirtle: No.
Bulbasaur: (knocks off the vent cover with the wrench and laughs) But now, it's time for you to come down and make America happy. (leaps up into the vent opening)
Squirtle: Just get away!
Bulbasaur: God, it's hot in here.
Squirtle: Get out of here!
Bulbasaur: I'm stuck.
Squirtle: Get out!
Bulbasaur: I'm stuck!
Squirtle: Get out!
Bulbasaur: Look at me, Squirtle, now I'm stuck.
Squirtle: (his eyes peering back from the darkness) Get out of here!
Bulbasaur: Are you happy?
Squirtle: GET OUT!
Bulbasaur: Charmander, grab my legs and pull.
Charmander: (pulls on Bulbasaur's legs) Just let go.
Bulbasaur: Come on, Charmander. Squirtle needs to be alone.
Charmander: You have to let go!
Squirtle: GET OUT!!!!!!!
Bulbasaur: Come over here.
Squirtle: Back off!
Bulbasaur: I'm gonna bite your head off.
Squirtle: Get out!
Bulbasaur: Charmander, grab my legs and pull!
Charmander: I wonder if that's drinkable.
Squirtle: (starts speaking nonsense sounds, then his voice goes into a tight loop)
(Cut to the Ketchem's living room. He and Charmander are watching the show on the television screen)
Charmander: This goes on for a while. Like an hour.
Bulbasaur: But I got out, right?
Charmander: Yeah... but then you got back in.
Bulbasaur: Did you get the part where I was Bulbasaur, a Graduation Special?
Charmander: No, we recorded over that.
Bulbasaur: What?
Charmander: I mean, I couldn't find it.
Bulbasaur: (with sanded off face) Then what was the point of sanding my face off?
("Ready to Go" starts up and plays out as the credits roll)