It's the 9th of July, 2004.
Welcome to the biggest hangover any of us has had. At some point the 4th of July party went horribly wrong.
But enough about me. Back to the show.
: WAITING
Bulbasaur: (stomach growls) Oh, the hunger...
(Opening theme music & titles)
Bulbasaur: Welcome to the show! Tonight my guests are pork roast and fishwich... (stomach growls) I mean Michael Stipe and Lassie. So, how was your weekend, Squirtle?
Squirtle: (with British accent) Hey hey hey!
Bulbasaur: Mine was good too. Eh, say, what's with the action figure?
Squirtle: There is no weekend.
Raymond: (In Squirtle's pod; he is a miniature Squirtle) Hello.
Bulbasaur: Yeah, yeah. What's with the action figure?
Squirtle: We exist in a boundless time continuum. There is no weekend!
Raymond: (while Squirtle is talking) Hello... Hello... Hello.
Squirtle: Eh, this is my nephew, Raymond.
Raymond: Hello!
Bulbasaur: Hi, Ray!
Raymond: Heh heh...
Bulbasaur: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Raymond: Uh... Pokemon of 'nown.
Bulbasaur: Isn't that cute? He can't say Unown! Watch this... Hey kid, say "spaghetti".
Raymond: Pasghetti.
Bulbasaur: (laughs) Mmmm, pasghetti.
Raymond: Pasghetti!
Charmander: (in control room, reading the Pokedex) Nown. Nown…
Bulbasaur: Hey, you turtles must have millions of relatives, what with all the eggs you lay.
Squirtle: (shouting) I am the Lone Turtle of the Unown!
Raymond: 'Nown?
Squirtle: Think of me when you look...
Bulbasaur: Oh, now you're a turtle again! Well silly me, I thought you were a Pokemon!
Squirtle: Uh, I am!
Bulbasaur: "I am the Lone Pokemon of the Unown." (Raymond starts giggling) Wait, better yet: "I am the Lone Fill-in-the-blank of the Unown." How's about that, Squirtle, leave enough room for you there, hmm?
Squirtle: But... (Raymond is now giggling uncontrollably) Say, Ray...
Raymond: (stops giggling) Yes?
Squirtle: Shut up!
Raymond: Okay.
Bulbasaur: Are you guys as hungry as I am?
Squirtle: (with western accent) Mmmmmm! Hungry, like Hungry Jack hungry?
Bulbasaur: No, hungry like a muscled-up GI Joe after a tough day in the chopper.
Squirtle: No, uh uh.
Raymond: Yes!
Squirtle: No, Raymond.
Raymond: Yes!
Squirtle: Nooo, Raymond.
Raymond: Yes, Squirtmander!
Squirtle: (shouting) I am Squirtle! SQUIRT-LE! (Raymond starts crying)
Bulbasaur: (to himself) Oooh, action figure with life-like tears. (aloud) You want a pizza, Raymond?
Squirtle: Pizza!
Bulbasaur: Pizza pizza, wittle Waymond.
Raymond: (stops crying) Pizza!
Squirtle: Pizza!
Raymond: Peyoni pizza?
Bulbasaur: Heh heh... Charmander, establish contact with a pizza parlor! (Squirtle & Raymond keep shouting "Pizza!" in the background)
Charmander: Yes, hang on... all right... okay, let me, uh... (Throws lever, we see Siegfried and Roy)
Siegfried & Roy: (on monitor, waving) Hi, Linda, hi Linda...
Charmander: Huh? Linda?
Siegfried: Nice to see you, Linda.
Charmander: Earthlings! (Throws lever again; now we see Sal from "Mega Man Network Transmission")
Sal: (on monitor) Sal's Pizza Emporium, we bake it, you buy it.
Charmander: Ah hah... (Zaps her to Bulbasaur's monitor)
Sal: Hello, sir. What'll ya have?
Bulbasaur: Greetings, pizza merchant. We wish to order a pie with...
Sal: Sorry. Outta anchovies.
Bulbasaur: ... you guys like anchovies?
Squirtle: How about seal?
Bulbasaur: Too chewy.
Squirtle: Mmm, yeah. Carp?
Bulbasaur: You have carp?
Sal: Nope.
Bulbasaur: Awwww...
Charmander: Haddock.
Raymond: Waffles. Carp waffles!
Sal: Sorry, we're fresh outta carp waffles already.
Charmander: Hey, hey, haddock.
Bulbasaur: We could get grouper...
Charmander: No, no, haddock!
Bulbasaur: I've got it... Orange roughy!
Squirtle: Yeah, get it bloated!
Charmander: Hey, how about haddock!?
Bulbasaur: We'd like a pizza with bloated orange roughy, please.
Squirtle: No, wait! Sun-bloated, yeah, get it sun-bloated!
Bulbasaur: Sorry. Sun-bloated, okay?
Sal: No problem. Hey, Wood Man! Gimme one large pie, with sun-bloated orange roughy.
Bulbasaur: Pronto, with bells on, PDQ!
Squirtle: Make sure it's bloated.
Sal: Alright already! (screen zaps off)
Bulbasaur: Mmmmm, orange groupie.
Raymond: Roughy!
Bulbasaur: Whatever. My first guest is one of several thousand collies who have gone by the name of Lassie. But this is the real one!
Squirtle: Objection!
Raymond: Yeah, the Jetsons!
Bulbasaur: Order! (screen lowers)
Raymond: Oooh, puppy!
Bulbasaur: Order!
Raymond: Doggy!
Bulbasaur: Shh! Don't startle the dog guest.
Raymond: (quietly) Sorry.
Bulbasaur: Gee, you're a nice doggy, Lassie.
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: So, what you been up to?
Lassie: Bark! Bark!
Bulbasaur: Yeah, I know! Does it ever itch right here?
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: You could get some salve. (No response) Okay. Now here's a high-pitch sound only you can hear. AAAAAAAAAEEEEEAAAAAEEEAAAAHHHH!! Uh! (Lassie tilts her head to one side)
Squirtle: You idiot! We can all hear that!
Bulbasaur: No you can't. You're bluffing.
Squirtle: Am not! You're saying, "AAAAAEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!"
Bulbasaur: Well, how 'bout this? Meemeemeemeemeemeemeemeemeemee...
Raymond: (in unison, at higher pitch) Meemeemeemeemeemeemee...
Squirtle: (interrupting) No!
Lassie: Bark! Bark!
Bulbasaur: What is it, girl?
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: There's trouble at the ranch?
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: Hmmm... trouble at the farm.
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: You say Ash was bitten by a Seviper?
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: Where is he, girl?
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: He's at old man Tibby's farm?
Lassie: Bark!
Bulbasaur: Farms have chickens. Corn! Let's ride! (Runs off. Lassie waits a while, then walks off. Bulbasaur soon returns) Uh, where's that farm again? (monitor screen is just static) (in low voice) Oh, she's gone. (normal voice) Say, is that pizza here yet?
Raymond: Uh uh.
Bulbasaur: What say we enjoy the aroma of food with my smell powder? Stand back! (Sprays powder)
Squirtle: (sniff!) Bacon!
Raymond: Ah! Horsy!
Bulbasaur: Okay, guess this one! (Sprays powder again)
Squirtle: Mmmm, pancreas!
Raymond: Donkey?
Squirtle: No, pancreas.
Bulbasaur: And this one? (Sprays powder yet again)
Squirtle: Chlorine!
Raymond: Pony!
Squirtle: No, Ray. Chlorine!
Raymond: No, look! Pretty pony!
Jumbles: (A Ponyta) Neigh!
Bulbasaur: (monitor shows words "INSERT HORSE") Oh, yeah, that's Jumbles.
Raymond: Pretty Jumbles!
(Cut to control room. Sal is on the monitor)
Sal: Look, for the last time, I can't send you a raw pizza.
Charmander: Just gimme the dough, I can cook it in twenty seconds.
Sal: Twenty seconds? What you got over there, a nuclear reactor?
Charmander: Sal, Sal, listen... Gimme the dough.
Bulbasaur: Charmander, where's that pizza? It's been over five minutes.
Charmander: Pizza lady on line 2.
Bulbasaur: Ah, the pizza lady. Greetings, pizza merchant.
Sal: ... Nobody cooks pizza in only twenty seconds.
Raymond: Hello.
Bulbasaur: Hey...
Squirtle: Hey, Raymond!
Bulbasaur: ... Hey...
Squirtle: Stop!
Bulbasaur: ... Where's my pizza?
Raymond: (chomp!)
Jumbles: Neigh!! (galloping)
Bulbasaur: What happened?
Squirtle: Raymond bit Jumbles.
Bulbasaur: What?
Sal: Who's Jumbles?
Bulbasaur: He's my horse. Is he okay?
Squirtle: I dunno. Maybe.
Sal: So is the horse all right?
Bulbasaur: I don't know. Hey! Where's my pizza?
Sal: Well, it's like this. My navi Wood Man, the guy making your pizza, turns out he's allergic to orange roughy, so he got all hivey, but now we're making you another pie.
Raymond: Is Wood Man okay?
Sal: Whoa! Hey, Wood Man! You gotta check this out! The baby turtle's talking!
Squirtle: Pokemon!
Raymond: Hello.
Wood Man: Freaky!
Squirtle: Freaky? (Jumbles snorts) Freaky.
Sal: Hey, that horse, he doesn't look so good. What's his name? Jingles?
Bulbasaur: Jumbles.
Jumbles: Neigh!
Sal: Yeah, Jumbles. He looks sick. I think you should put him down.
Bulbasaur: Look here, pizza man. I'm Bulbasaur, I'm hungry, I've got a talking voodoo doll taking chunks out of my horse, AND I WANT MY PIZZA! (Pounds so hard he destroys his desk)
Squirtle: Freaky navi!
Sal: Okay, okay. Just trying to help.
Bulbasaur: All right. So we're, we're okay, we're fine?
Jumbles: (snort)
: INTERRUPT FEED
: START FEED
Squirtle: (playing theme music)
Raymond: Quit steppin' on me! Stop it! Stop! (Squirtle stops) Uhh.
Bulbasaur: You better slap a muzzle on that scaled down piece of evil.
Squirtle: You better get that pizza!
Raymond: Yeah!
Jumbles: (Neigh!)
Bulbasaur: Come on, Jumbles, walk it off. (pause) Hallelujah! It's Michael Stipe! (pause)
Michael Stipe: Heh. (pause)
Bulbasaur: What are those things on your face?
Michael Stipe: Those are my intergalactic space glasses.
Bulbasaur: Uh huh. What can you do with those?
Michael Stipe: I can see right through you, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Uh huh.
Squirtle: Freaky.
Bulbasaur: So, Mr. Magno-Specs, your band's best selling album is called "Monster"? What's up with that?
Michael Stipe: That record is, um, it's like, uh, it's a, it's a...
Bulbasaur: (mocking, in unison) Uh, it's a, it's a...
Michael Stipe: ... it's a concept record.
Bulbasaur: A concept record!
Michael Stipe: It's a, it's a, it's like a layman's, it's like a layman's, it's like a layman's, like a layman's, a layman's, uh...
Bulbasaur: It's a, ummmm, it's like a layman's, ummm, there's stuff on your lip, uh, layman's, uh, layman's, uh, layman's, uh...
Michael Stipe: ... a laymen's dissertation on...
Bulbasaur: on, on, tip of my tongue, on...
Michael Stipe: ... the black hole phenomenon.
Bulbasaur: ... on the black hole phenomenon! (pause) Okay, Mike, I'm going to send you a high-pitched message that only you can hear!
Squirtle: (to himself) Why me?
Bulbasaur: (opens mouth, extremely high pitch sound)
Michael Stipe: (tilts head to one side) No message, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Okay then, sing that song, sing that, "Shiny Shiny People" song.
Michael Stipe: No.
Bulbasaur: I'll get you started. (sings) "Shiny shiny people, shiny shiny people..."
Michael Stipe: I hate that song, Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur: Oh, me too, Michael, me too. Say, Mike, do think I'm a shiny shiny person?
Michael Stipe: I would say yes.
Bulbasaur: Yes?
Michael Stipe: Yes.
Bulbasaur: You're sure?
Michael Stipe: Yes, absolutely.
Bulbasaur: You don't see some dark, horrible corner inside of me somewhere?
Michael Stipe: No, none.
Bulbasaur: Okay. You're sure?
Michael Stipe: Yep.
Squirtle: I have a question. Is that you in the corner? (Michael looks down under glasses) That way, in the corner! (Picture of Squirtle's pod, with Michael Stipe's face in lower right corner of screen, rubbing front teeth)
Michael Stipe: That's me in the corner, yeah.
Squirtle: Freaky!
Bulbasaur: So what's next for you? What's on your plate? (stomach growls) Ohh!
Michael Stipe: Um, I'm going to drive to dinner.
Squirtle: Take us!
Michael Stipe: No.
Raymond: I wanna go!
Squirtle: Take us, please!
Michael Stipe: No.
Squirtle: C'mon, Stipe! Give us a break! Buy us some dinner!
Raymond: I wanna sit down.
Squirtle: Shut up!
Bulbasaur: Well, how about him, will he take us?
Michael Stipe: (in the corner) Yes, absolutely!
Bulbasaur: Great! See ya! (Zaps Michael off screen of main monitor)
Charmander: (to Michael in control room) Just me, Charmander, outta lines, hangin' out.
Bulbasaur: (to himself) I'm so hungry, I'm lightheaded! (aloud) May I have a hall pass, Miss Steckler? I wanna go home now, Miss Steckler... (passes out & comes to)
Squirtle: (mocking) I wanna go too, Miss Steckler.
Bulbasaur: Squirtle, where's your nephew?
Squirtle: Who? Oh, I ate him.
Bulbasaur: (shouting) That's barbaric! (quietly) Is there any left?
Squirtle: Um... (swallows) No.
Bulbasaur: (quietly) I'm gonna miss the little guy. (screen fades & freezes)
(Quick! Dim your computer monitor as much as you can!)
Bulbasaur: (in foreground) Let's look back at all the fun we had with our special friend, Raymond.
(Melancholy background music plays. Screen title: "Raymond, A Special Friend". Still shots of :)
(Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Raymond at Mt. Rushmore dressed up as tourists. Raymond's T-shirt says "I (heart) Unown")
(Raymond and Charmander in a bathtub in the middle of a busy street)
(Bulbasaur, Squirtle, and Raymond in drag in front of a boarded up theatre)
(Bulbasaur and Raymond flying kites with a tornado behind them)
(Fade out. That means return your monitor to normal)
Bulbasaur: (sounding light-headed) I think I should see the nurse, Miss Steckler. (shouting) CHARMANDER! GET ME THAT PIZZA LADY!
Siegfried & Roy: (waving) Hi, Linda! Hi, Linda!
Bulbasaur: I'm not Linda. I'm a Bulbasaur! Who are you two?
Siegfried: I am Siegfried, and this is Roy.
Roy: Hello, Bulbasaur.
Siegfried: Hmmm, Bulbasaur, that's the name on our pizza. (points to pizza box labeled "To Bulbasaur, Pokemon Planet")
Bulbasaur: That's my pizza!
Roy: Thank you for the gift.
Siegfried: Mmmm! Orange roughy! (He and Roy laugh uncontrollably)
(Credits roll)
Bulbasaur: That's a good Jumbles. Feeling better now?
Jumbles: Yeah.