I glanced up from the kitchen table as Yugi came in, pulling a heavy book
bag behind him. I went back to my work, tapping a pencil absent-mindedly
on a pile of paper.
Thud, thud, thud...
"Kaiba-chan?" he whispered.
"Nani?" I murmured.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm working on some paperwork. I'm going to retire early. Very early," I murmured.
"Retire? But Kaiba, you--"
"I can afford it, don't worry about that. Financially...emotionally...I need to. I tried to go back to work yesterday. Not *to* work, but to get my orders together. Being in the world again was...upsetting. And when I was actually there, I realized how much I was losing." I said all this matter-of-factly. "I'll keep a few patens and I'll dig out mine and--" unintentional sob-- "Mokuba's...pensions..." I shook my head, trying to clear it. "I'll be fine," I whispered. "I have enough money set aside... I can even leave, if you want."
"You're not staying here because of money, Kaiba-chan."
"Then why am I?" I quietly muse.
"Because you'll never be the same, Kaiba."
I turned to him suddenly. "What do you mean by that?" I demanded.
"You're broken. And I'm the only one who's bothering to try to pick up the pieces."
"You can't fix me, Yugi," I turned away from him, muttering.
"I never said I was trying. I'm only picking the pieces up," he repeated.
"Why?!" I demanded, standing up. The chair I had been sitting in scraped across the floor then fell over. "Who do you think you are?! You think you can just come here and--"
"And what, Kaiba? *Care*?"
I stepped back, stricken. "You don't care," I said numbly. "You *can't* care!"
"Why not, Kaiba?" Yugi asked, his voice full of concern and sounding on the edge of tears, much like my own.
"Because no one's suppose to care," I whispered. I fell to my knees and began to cry. "No..."
I felt Yugi's arms go around me, holding me close. "Don't kill yourself, Kaiba-chan. Don't kill yourself with your own hate."
"I don't hate anyone!"
"You hate yourself, Kaiba! You blame yourself. It's not your fault. Your brother died. I'm sorry, but there was nothing you could do."
"I could have protected him better!"
"How? How would you have known he was going to die? How would you have known someone was going to drink and drive?!"
"Because that's what people *do*!"
"Then you would have locked Mokuba in a room and never let him out. Would you want that? Really, Kaiba?"
"No..."
"Then there was nothing you could have done. Stop blaming yourself. You're not a god, Kaiba. You're a living, breathing person."
"But it hurts so much..."
"Of course it does. Mokuba's all you've ever had. You locked yourself away from the world because you had Mokuba. Would you have if you hadn't?"
"I would have died a long time ago if I didn't have Mokuba. I would have let him kill me."
"Who?"
"No one," I muttered darkly. "So now what?" I whispered.
"You have to open yourself up. You have to learn to trust people again."
"You? Trust you? What happens when you die, huh?" I asked angrily.
"You open yourself up to other people, Kaiba. You have more than one friend. That's what friendship is."
"I'm suppose to have back-ups, spares? What kind of system is that?"
"It's not a system, Kaiba. It's something else all together."
"Then what then?"
"It's what separates us from God's other creatures. Love, friendship, lust, hate...animals don't know that. It's something that can't be explained in any language, no matter how perfect God created it."
"Perfect?" I asked angrily. "If God's plan is so perfect, why does He hurt me like this? How could he have taken someone like Mokuba?"
"To protect him, Kaiba," he said softly. "God tests us." He trembled gently. "He tests us and then He awards us. We get what we deserve."
"Mokuba didn't deserve this!"
"Define 'this,' Kaiba."
"Dying!"
"I doubt you believe in an afterlife, Kaiba. Neither do I. But Mokuba is somewhere else."
"He's a bunch of ashes in an ugly vase!"
"No he's not, Kaiba. Just like you're not a moving pile of flesh and bone. We have something else in us. Soul, spirit, Inner Light...essence. Our essence can't be burned away or buried under the ground. He is somewhere else, Kaiba," he insisted gently. "God felt he belonged somewhere else."
I stare at him, trembling. "Y-you don't know what you're talking about. Mokuba...Mokuba was-- was taken away from me."
"You know I'm telling the truth, Kaiba. You know it. You just don't want to believe it because then you want to know why God made you live through all of it."
"All of what?" I asked sharply.
"Your pain. Whatever made you be this way. You want to know why God couldn't rescue you."
"He WOULDN'T! He could have!"
"No He couldn't. You wouldn't let Him. You wouldn't let Him. You had to be there for Mokuba."
I burst into tears, sobbing into my hands. "Why are you doing this?" I sobbed.
"Because someone has to. You've become nothing but an animal, Kaiba. You live only by instinct."
"I am NOT an ANIMAL!" I screamed.
"Then what are you, Kaiba? You certainly aren't human."
"I am a genius--!"
"A smart animal is still an animal. Or else, what would you call a dolphin?"
"Shut up!"
"Being human means opening yourself up for pain."
"Why?! Why would anyone do that?"
"Because that's the only way we find happiness. If you just lock yourself up until happiness comes, it won't be able to get in. And you won't recognize it."
"So what am I suppose to do?"
"Let go of the past," Yugi said softly. "The past can't be changed, Kaiba."
"But the past is who I am. How can I just forget it?"
"No. You are what you are right now. The past may have molded you, but you're the one who decides it in the end."
~~~
I sat up with a start. I had fallen asleep at the table, over my paperwork. "Hrmph...?"
"Kaiba?" Jounochi asked softly, waving his hand over my eyes.
"What?" I said a bit too sharply.
He stepped back like I had burned him. "Um, hey, is Yugi here?"
"I dunno," I mumbled, looking for my pen.
"Not going to school today?" he asked for the sake of conversation.
"Don't plan on it," I said, bending over and looking on the ground.
"What are you looking for?"
"My pen," I sighed. "I can't find it."
Jounochi bent over, then straighten himself. He held his hand out. "Here, your pen." He smiled gently, but not mockingly.
"Th-tha...thank you," I said awkwardly.
He shrugged. "No prob." He pulled up a chair. "What's all this?"
"Mokuba's...estate, so to speak. I had a lot of it in his name, in case...I died..." I tried to keep my voice even.
"Are you the benefactor?"
"Kind of. Since he was underage, he had to have an adult, which was me. So it's just a bunch of paperwork. I'll loose a bit with taxes, but it's no real lose."
"Not like..." he trailed off. "I'm really sorry, Kaiba."
I shrugged. "I don't want your pity."
"It's not pity, Kaiba." He slipped his hand in mine and gave it a squeeze. I whirled around, staring at him. "Mokuba meant something to me, too. It was kind of like having my sister around, you know? Someone who looks up to you?"
I nodded dumbly. Since when was the mutt...?
He folded me into a hug. I stiffened, startled. "I know you don't like me, Kaiba. And most times, I don't like you. But I just... If we could...start over or something."
I knocked him away from me, standing up. I regarded him with little interest, pulling on my mask of indifference and coldness. It hurt this time, pulling it on... "Just because he's dead does not mean things change."
"You know that's not true, Kaiba."
"Even if it was, why would I ever want to be 'friends,'" I said the word with a mix of disgust and un-understanding of the word, "with some loser like you?"
I excepted--no, wanted--him to respond with a jib. I needed...some routine in my life again. But all he did was shake his head like he pitied me. Sighing, he stood up and stared me in the eyes. "You know what Kaiba?"
"What?" I asked bitterly.
"You think you're something that you're not."
"Oh yeah? And what's that?"
"A god." Then he leaned in really close and whispered, "And you have some of us believing your illusion." He stepped back, arms crossed.
"What the hell do you mean--?"
He knocked past me in the direction of the living room, leaving me pondering what the hell he had meant.
~~~
Thud, thud, thud...
"Kaiba-chan?" he whispered.
"Nani?" I murmured.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm working on some paperwork. I'm going to retire early. Very early," I murmured.
"Retire? But Kaiba, you--"
"I can afford it, don't worry about that. Financially...emotionally...I need to. I tried to go back to work yesterday. Not *to* work, but to get my orders together. Being in the world again was...upsetting. And when I was actually there, I realized how much I was losing." I said all this matter-of-factly. "I'll keep a few patens and I'll dig out mine and--" unintentional sob-- "Mokuba's...pensions..." I shook my head, trying to clear it. "I'll be fine," I whispered. "I have enough money set aside... I can even leave, if you want."
"You're not staying here because of money, Kaiba-chan."
"Then why am I?" I quietly muse.
"Because you'll never be the same, Kaiba."
I turned to him suddenly. "What do you mean by that?" I demanded.
"You're broken. And I'm the only one who's bothering to try to pick up the pieces."
"You can't fix me, Yugi," I turned away from him, muttering.
"I never said I was trying. I'm only picking the pieces up," he repeated.
"Why?!" I demanded, standing up. The chair I had been sitting in scraped across the floor then fell over. "Who do you think you are?! You think you can just come here and--"
"And what, Kaiba? *Care*?"
I stepped back, stricken. "You don't care," I said numbly. "You *can't* care!"
"Why not, Kaiba?" Yugi asked, his voice full of concern and sounding on the edge of tears, much like my own.
"Because no one's suppose to care," I whispered. I fell to my knees and began to cry. "No..."
I felt Yugi's arms go around me, holding me close. "Don't kill yourself, Kaiba-chan. Don't kill yourself with your own hate."
"I don't hate anyone!"
"You hate yourself, Kaiba! You blame yourself. It's not your fault. Your brother died. I'm sorry, but there was nothing you could do."
"I could have protected him better!"
"How? How would you have known he was going to die? How would you have known someone was going to drink and drive?!"
"Because that's what people *do*!"
"Then you would have locked Mokuba in a room and never let him out. Would you want that? Really, Kaiba?"
"No..."
"Then there was nothing you could have done. Stop blaming yourself. You're not a god, Kaiba. You're a living, breathing person."
"But it hurts so much..."
"Of course it does. Mokuba's all you've ever had. You locked yourself away from the world because you had Mokuba. Would you have if you hadn't?"
"I would have died a long time ago if I didn't have Mokuba. I would have let him kill me."
"Who?"
"No one," I muttered darkly. "So now what?" I whispered.
"You have to open yourself up. You have to learn to trust people again."
"You? Trust you? What happens when you die, huh?" I asked angrily.
"You open yourself up to other people, Kaiba. You have more than one friend. That's what friendship is."
"I'm suppose to have back-ups, spares? What kind of system is that?"
"It's not a system, Kaiba. It's something else all together."
"Then what then?"
"It's what separates us from God's other creatures. Love, friendship, lust, hate...animals don't know that. It's something that can't be explained in any language, no matter how perfect God created it."
"Perfect?" I asked angrily. "If God's plan is so perfect, why does He hurt me like this? How could he have taken someone like Mokuba?"
"To protect him, Kaiba," he said softly. "God tests us." He trembled gently. "He tests us and then He awards us. We get what we deserve."
"Mokuba didn't deserve this!"
"Define 'this,' Kaiba."
"Dying!"
"I doubt you believe in an afterlife, Kaiba. Neither do I. But Mokuba is somewhere else."
"He's a bunch of ashes in an ugly vase!"
"No he's not, Kaiba. Just like you're not a moving pile of flesh and bone. We have something else in us. Soul, spirit, Inner Light...essence. Our essence can't be burned away or buried under the ground. He is somewhere else, Kaiba," he insisted gently. "God felt he belonged somewhere else."
I stare at him, trembling. "Y-you don't know what you're talking about. Mokuba...Mokuba was-- was taken away from me."
"You know I'm telling the truth, Kaiba. You know it. You just don't want to believe it because then you want to know why God made you live through all of it."
"All of what?" I asked sharply.
"Your pain. Whatever made you be this way. You want to know why God couldn't rescue you."
"He WOULDN'T! He could have!"
"No He couldn't. You wouldn't let Him. You wouldn't let Him. You had to be there for Mokuba."
I burst into tears, sobbing into my hands. "Why are you doing this?" I sobbed.
"Because someone has to. You've become nothing but an animal, Kaiba. You live only by instinct."
"I am NOT an ANIMAL!" I screamed.
"Then what are you, Kaiba? You certainly aren't human."
"I am a genius--!"
"A smart animal is still an animal. Or else, what would you call a dolphin?"
"Shut up!"
"Being human means opening yourself up for pain."
"Why?! Why would anyone do that?"
"Because that's the only way we find happiness. If you just lock yourself up until happiness comes, it won't be able to get in. And you won't recognize it."
"So what am I suppose to do?"
"Let go of the past," Yugi said softly. "The past can't be changed, Kaiba."
"But the past is who I am. How can I just forget it?"
"No. You are what you are right now. The past may have molded you, but you're the one who decides it in the end."
~~~
I sat up with a start. I had fallen asleep at the table, over my paperwork. "Hrmph...?"
"Kaiba?" Jounochi asked softly, waving his hand over my eyes.
"What?" I said a bit too sharply.
He stepped back like I had burned him. "Um, hey, is Yugi here?"
"I dunno," I mumbled, looking for my pen.
"Not going to school today?" he asked for the sake of conversation.
"Don't plan on it," I said, bending over and looking on the ground.
"What are you looking for?"
"My pen," I sighed. "I can't find it."
Jounochi bent over, then straighten himself. He held his hand out. "Here, your pen." He smiled gently, but not mockingly.
"Th-tha...thank you," I said awkwardly.
He shrugged. "No prob." He pulled up a chair. "What's all this?"
"Mokuba's...estate, so to speak. I had a lot of it in his name, in case...I died..." I tried to keep my voice even.
"Are you the benefactor?"
"Kind of. Since he was underage, he had to have an adult, which was me. So it's just a bunch of paperwork. I'll loose a bit with taxes, but it's no real lose."
"Not like..." he trailed off. "I'm really sorry, Kaiba."
I shrugged. "I don't want your pity."
"It's not pity, Kaiba." He slipped his hand in mine and gave it a squeeze. I whirled around, staring at him. "Mokuba meant something to me, too. It was kind of like having my sister around, you know? Someone who looks up to you?"
I nodded dumbly. Since when was the mutt...?
He folded me into a hug. I stiffened, startled. "I know you don't like me, Kaiba. And most times, I don't like you. But I just... If we could...start over or something."
I knocked him away from me, standing up. I regarded him with little interest, pulling on my mask of indifference and coldness. It hurt this time, pulling it on... "Just because he's dead does not mean things change."
"You know that's not true, Kaiba."
"Even if it was, why would I ever want to be 'friends,'" I said the word with a mix of disgust and un-understanding of the word, "with some loser like you?"
I excepted--no, wanted--him to respond with a jib. I needed...some routine in my life again. But all he did was shake his head like he pitied me. Sighing, he stood up and stared me in the eyes. "You know what Kaiba?"
"What?" I asked bitterly.
"You think you're something that you're not."
"Oh yeah? And what's that?"
"A god." Then he leaned in really close and whispered, "And you have some of us believing your illusion." He stepped back, arms crossed.
"What the hell do you mean--?"
He knocked past me in the direction of the living room, leaving me pondering what the hell he had meant.
~~~