Authors Note: I do not own anything associated with the OC (unfortunately). This story is set after "The Ties that Bind"
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He had been gone for exactly thirty-five days. I marked on my calendar the exact day he had left; it was the day after the accident. It had been thirty-five days and I had missed him at first but not lately, the little house was quiet since he had gone, in a good way. Ryan had smoked which irritated my mothers cough, but she was better now. If there was any emotion that I felt for him it was anger. Anger that he had listened to me when I sent him away, because couldn't he see that I needed him? But I had stopped needing him after awhile, stopped needing anything because in those days I mainly felt dead inside. Even Eddie wouldn't come and see me anymore, he told me it was because of work but I knew it was because since the baby died I had been so god damned depressed. A hand slapped the table in front of me and I looked up to see a slightly familiar face that I couldn't place at first, but then it hit me who it was.
"Summer." I nodded my head at her and told her to sit down and order some food or a drink. She waited until the waitress took her order before speaking.
"Your mom told me where to find you." She told me. I nodded and an awkward silence fell over the table until I opened my mouth. I asked her how Seth and the Cohen's were, and how Marissa was holding up, and she filled me in on everything. Apparently Seth had run away, something Ryan never told me, but he had come home after a week. Marissa had taken up drinking again, and Summer said that they barely saw her anymore since she had moved into the new house with Julie and Caleb and Caitlyn.
"How are you doing?" She asked me quietly, and I could tell she knew about the accident, but what do you say to that kind of question? For a moment I wanted to be completely honest and tell her that life had gone to shit and that I didn't know if I wanted to live anymore at all since there was nothing to live for. But instead I smiled and told her that everything was okay, I've gotten good at lying lately. Obviously not good enough, though, because she looked at me with that pitying expression, the one that's sympathetic and patronizing all rolled into one.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her abruptly, although I could tell she was only here because of Ryan, girls like Summer Roberts wouldn't be caught dead in a place like Chino unless it was for a really good reason.
She looked at me for a moment before answering, and when she did speak it was in a quiet and gentle voice. "Ryan wants to see you." I looked down at the table in front of me and instantly a dozen excuses popped into my head as to why I couldn't, and shouldn't, see Ryan again. But my mouth turned dry and my eyes filled with unshed tears and I couldn't speak because I knew I would end up sobbing, so I waited for Summer to say something else. She looked down at the table and suddenly I saw this place through her eyes, it was a little hole-in-the-wall dump that served only half-decent food that had flies crawling on it, and suddenly I was afraid. Afraid that during his time in Newport, Ryan had changed and become like Summer and Seth and Marissa and would be ashamed of this place, ashamed of me.
"He needs to see you." Summer told me, finally speaking.
"I don't want him to come here." I whispered to her.
"What if you went to him?" she asked me, and every part of me was screaming no, I couldn't see him again because it would hurt too much and I didn't want to hurt anymore. But I nodded my head anyway and hurried out of the restaurant before I could change my mind.
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Later that night after my mother had gone to bed I sat on my front porch and lit up a cigarette, the first I had in three months. As I watched the glow of the end and inhaled the smell of the smoke I thought about Ryan. When we first kissed we were thirteen years old and Ryan had tasted like smoke. After we broke the kiss I had shivered, even though it was over ninety degrees outside. And I remember the next summer when we were fourteen and had slept together for the first time, afterwards he had pulled out a cigarette and we sat there for a few hours in a comfortable silence, not really touching, but just being near each other was enough back then.
Suddenly I realized I had lied not just to Summer but also to myself, I did miss him and I did still need him. I missed his arms around me and his hand in mine, I missed the way he smelled without cologne, when it was just him and his guy scent that was earthy and musky and wonderful. I missed how he looked when he just woke up or when he got out of the shower, and I knew that no matter what I said I would always love Ryan Atwood. I flicked the cigarette into the grass and headed to bed because suddenly I couldn't wait for tomorrow to come.
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The next day was scorching hot as I nervously tugged at my shirt and rang the doorbell to the Cohen house, well hell, mansion, and waited for someone to answer the door. That someone turned out to be Kirsten and the second she saw me she pulled me into a hug.
"Honey, I'm so sorry." She whispered into my ear, and I felt myself falling fully into the hug because I knew she understood the pain over losing my child better than anyone else. When we pulled away I saw her wiping tears from her eyes and for the second day in a row I felt like crying. I pushed the tears away and smiled at her
"Is Ryan home?" I asked hesitantly, and she told me he was in the pool house. I crossed the courtyard and walked passed the pool and suddenly I was there, in front of the door, knocking. Ryan opened the door and looked at me, that same look he had given me everyday of our lives since childhood. He led me inside and we both sat down on the bed, neither of us touching, and I wanted to reach over and grab his hand, but I didn't. He looked at me and I looked back and neither of us could think of anything to say, but suddenly that was fine. When he looked at me I didn't feel empty or dead inside anymore, and even though we weren't touching I knew that just being with each other was good enough for now, and I felt a small shiver run down my spine.