A/N: This idea came to me in the middle of dinner. Heh. It's amazing what oven-roasted vegetables can do to one's mind.

Disclaimer: Yep, I don't own anything except my ideas and my eyelashes. All earlier disclaimers apply, plus 1) "The Lumberjack Song" belongs to Monty Python. Everyone should buy a copy of Monty Python Sings for a good laugh, and 2) I recommend you all visit Squeaky's Crudely Drawn Stick Figure Comic Strip versions of the Harry Potter books. I'm putting the link up on my info page. It's highly entertaining, and that's where a certain phrase in this episode comes from. I'll tell you later, don't want to spoil anything.

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Chapter Two

Confessions of a Teenage Bully

"Oiy, vermin! Yeah, you firsties! Move!" a certain platinum-blonde Slytherin prefect snarled out of the corner of his mouth. The small group of Hufflepuff first years squeaked in terror and scampered away at lightning speed. Draco smirked with satisfaction.

"No remorse, that one. Honestly, sometimes it's hard to believe he's human. I mean, I know Slytherins are supposed to be evil, but-" the 6th year Hufflepuff was suddenly cut off by a loud shout.

"We're ALTERNATIVE!" declared a green-clad student.

"Alright whatever. Damn, how do they pop up all over the place like that? Anyway, as I was saying, I know Slytherins are supposed to be ev…alternative, but I say, he carries it quite far. Why, if I wasn't afraid of getting my brains hexed out by the slimy git, I'd smack him with a Beater's club…"

Draco froze. Had he heard what he thought he'd heard? Turning slowly on his heel to face the Hufflepuff, he gave the deadliest of glares, drew his wand, and prepared to hex the no-good sissy of a wizard. But then…something rather odd happened inside Draco's mind. Before he knew it, he had returned his wand to its resting place in his pocket. The Hufflepuff gave a barely audible sigh of relief, thanking whatever forces had been at work at that moment.

"Oh sod it all," the Slytherin sighed exasperatedly. "I never wanted to be a school bully. I…I wanted to be…A LUMBERJACK!" Every student in the corridor stopped dead in his tracks to listen, awestruck, as Draco continued his speech. From somewhere in the distance a piano began to play, and a chorus of Slytherin students hummed a lively tune.

"Leaping form tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The Giant Redwood! The Larch! The Fir! The mighty Scott's Pine! The Sequoia! The lofty Flowering Cherry! The plucky little Aspen! The Limping Rule Tree of Nigeria. The flatulent Elm! With my best girl by my side! We'd sing, sing, sing!" And Draco did just that.

Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,

I sleep all night and I work all day.

The troupe of caterwauling Slytherins suddenly jigged into view and belted out the chorus.

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Draco continued, swinging his arms in a lively fashion.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea.

The Slytherins followed suit.

He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,

He goes to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'

And has buttered scones for tea.

Draco and his troupe of Slytherins were now serenading anyone who would listen with sincere enthusiasm.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,

I sleep all night and I work all day.

(He's a lumberjack and he's okay,

He sleeps all night and he works all day.)

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing,

And hang around in bars.

He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around...in bars???

There followed a soft murmer of uncertainty, but the Slytherins nonetheless proceeded with the song.

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,

I sleep all night and I work all day.

(He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,

He sleeps all night and he works all day.)

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,

Suspendies and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa.

He cuts down trees, he wears high heels

Suspendies?? And a…a bra???

What's this?  Wants to be a *girlie*?  Oh, My!

And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

An akward silence fell upon the singers. Draco and his house-mates stared at one another, shrugged, and resumed the performance.

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,

I sleep all night and I work all day.

(He's a lumberjack and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…

He sleeps all night and he works all day!)

The entire school seemed to be gathered in that one small corridor. For nearly a full minute, they stood frozen. Draco scowled at all present, began to whistle and skipped off to class.

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A/N: Yep, the phrase "Slytherins are ALTERNATIVE, not evil!!!" came from Squeaky. Squeaky's the coolest!

To Beef McFlurry: Don't worry, I shall! ^_^ There's plenty more to come. "Don't be such a target group!"

To Raney: Wheeeee, thanks! I hope you still like it, and I shall try my best to do my job.

Good night! I'll be here all week!!!!